Someone please help me!!! What do you do when your spouse has told you so many lies that you don't know what is the truth anymore? He lies and gets caught but keeps doing it anyway. It's about big things AND little things. He says that the one thing he's never ever lied about was being faithful to me, but how am I to know?? I want this marriage to work, but I am so hurt and he seems to act like it's no big deal. Any advice would be great!!!

Dear Audra,

Welcome to the forum. As we get past the weekend, there will be more people online, so keep checking back.

I noticed in your first post that your husband lies repeatedly about pornography and related activities. He lies about big things and little things. He does not respect your request to cut back on the pornography even though you ask him often.

One of the main MB principles is that there must be honesty in a marriage, or it won't be successful. So you are right to be concerned. There is also something called Policy of Joint Agreement (see the main website for an explanation). The POJA states that spouses should not do something that does not have enthusiastic agreement from both partners. If your H would respect the POJA, he would stop the porn and he would stop lying. Incidentally, porn addiction IS a big deal that will ruin a marriage.

Something that we learn here at MB is that we cannot control our spouses, nor can we force them to change. You cannot MAKE him stop lying. Only he can so this. Your role is to decide how you will react to his lying and the porn.

Individual and joint marriage counseling is highly recommended. But what if your H will not go? Then another thing we learn here is that we have to get to work improving ourselves and our ability to cope with bad situations that we cannot change. We learn to become strong so that we can make choices that are best for ourseles and our children in the long run.

So start with reading everything on the main website. Post here with specific questions you would like people to respond to. Let us know something about your marriage. How long? Any kids? Are you employed with an income that gives you some individual financial security? What kind of a family support network do you have? Are you willing to leave your M if your H will not change. Things like that.

Your immediate goal is to become stronger emotionally so that you can cope with the challenges you will face as you learn how to work with your H to improve the state of your marriage. Best wishes to you. I am glad that you have found MB.

Estes

Audra,

Here is an article that appears in Dr. Harley's bimonthly newsletter which came today. Perhaps it will be helpful to you.

============================================
11. Independent Behavior – A Love Buster
by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.
============================================

Once you are married, almost everything you decide to do has either
a positive or a negative impact on each other -- you are either
depositing or withdrawing love units with every decision you make.
So if your decisions are not made with each other's interests in
mind, you will risk destroying the love you have for each other.

I define Independent Behavior as the conduct of one spouse that
ignores the feelings and interest of the other spouse. It's
usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, so the
simplest way to overcome this Love Buster is to take it off your
schedule. If it’s your Thursday night bowling, or visiting with a
friend of the opposite sex, or spending five hours chatting on
the internet while your spouse sits alone watching TV, then
schedule something else Thursday night, visit with someone else,
and spend time doing something with your spouse. Whatever it is
you decide to do that replaces independent behavior, be sure that
both you and your spouse enthusiastically agree to it.

My ninth Basic Concept, the Policy of Joint Agreement, (never do
anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your
spouse), helps eliminate independent behavior -- any event or
activity that is not mutually agreed to cannot take place. It
forces you to take your spouse's interests and feelings into
account when you forget that your spouse is an extremely important
part of yourself, and should be considered in every decision you
make.

Independent behavior is a problem in most marriages because we
are all tempted to do whatever makes us happy, even when it makes
our spouse unhappy (the Taker's rule). We don't feel the pain our
spouse feels when we are inconsiderate -- all we feel is the
pleasure gained from activities that are only in our best
interest. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is so important
in marriage. It forces us to behave as if we feel each other's
pain -- it makes us behave as if we were empathetic.

A wise alternative to Independent Behavior is Interdependent
Behavior, which limits your events or activities to those that
benefit both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and
neither of you suffers when you behave interdependently, making
decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind. When
you get to my tenth Basic Concept, Four Guidelines for Successful
Negotiation, I'll show you how to replace Independent Behavior
with Interdependent Behavior.

----------------------

This and other Basic Concepts can be found in the Basic Concepts
section of the Marriage Builders web site:
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=intro

Audra,
I would strongly recommend you read this book:

"Tell Me No Lies" by Ellyn Bader and Peter T Pearson. This one discusses how we lie to each other, and how we promote or stop promoting this behavior. Very useful in understanding the dynamics of our relationships and how to promote more honest Rs.