I really think that this time, WH really means he is going to make his decision. He's like a rubber band, I feel him getting closer, and than he snaps back. My tendency is to just keep telling him I love him and want this to work, but sometimes this seems to cause his snap back.

I don't want to push him for a decision, but I am afraid that he will never make one if I don't.

Has anyone else been in this position, where they "feel" like their WS is about to come home, but hasn't.

How should I act? What should I say?

Please, any advice, this is giving me a huge migraine!!!

<small>[ July 19, 2002, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

I highly recommend the gel-cap Advil for your migraine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm also wondering if it's not time for a plan B.... Your WH isn't changing because there isn't a whole lot of incentive for him to do so! It may be time to start focusing on yourself, fixing yourself. You can't make him happy, he has to do that on his own. You can't stop living your life in the hopes he'll get his act together!!

I wish I had something to tell you, but I need the same advice..I was trying Plan B and I slipped back to plan A..he seemed to be coming around for a minute and then all of a sudden he started being mean again..I feel like the times he was being nice was because maybe he and the OW was not on good terms..I guess maybe they have patched things up and now he is back at his old ways again...I am very mad at myself for even trying to reach out to him...I love my WH very much but I am tried..and really wish I could lose the Hope for this marriage..it would be much easier..

going_crazy,

Even though I am raging mad, I will take a stab at this one. Pardon me if I am a little snappy.

I have learned many truths about the A that we all occassionally need to be reminded of:

1) The A will eventually die. Statistics our on our side. You have many times more chances of saving your marriage then your WH has at saving his A.

2) There is nothing you can do to stop the A. You may only make it harder for him to chose the OW by not LB'ing and showing how good a catch you are, but if the A is an EA, Look Out. He is comitted to her heart, mind, and soul.

3) As a result of 1 and 2, TIME is our biggest tool. If you can wait it out, the A will be over, but by then, you will have to be the best women you can be to win him back.

4) It is essential that you become his friend now to help in the progress. Friendships are first before the R, and you have to start from square one. Do not try to jump into the marriage and try to expect that you will bypass the friendship stage of a relationship because it won't happen. You are now two strangers on the street getting ready to court (no not the one with the judge in it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). Time to start dating again!! Have fun with this one, if you have fun dating again, you will be sure to win him back.

5) It is essential that you have time alone together for you to try to fill his EN's.

6) BIG ONE HERE: NO LB's This will ruin whatever progress you are making. This takes a change of heart in order to reach a point where you are not phased by the sh&@ he and life dishes out. You have to own your situation. Stay out of dream land and face reality. He is not yours now. You two are only strangers to each other. etc. If you can accept this, you are on your way to keep from LB'ing. LB'ing is created when you begin to expect certain things that do not occur. It is a defensive mechanism that is autonomous and hence the heart felt change is required.

I hope this helps.

Just a little more info...

WH lost his job in March, so I don't have to worry about them working together. He has been "stressed" about not having a job and blames the indecision on that saying that he wanted to come home for the right reasons and was not in the state of mind to make that decision.

Well, a couple of days ago, he finally got a job, and said he is ready to concentrate on fixing his personal life.

For one thing, I can't see it working with them because it would take 2hours for him to get to work from her house vs. an hour from ours.

By the way, the migraine is still here!!

bump^^^

GC, I think if you feel you have done all you can and he is not committing back to your marriage after a reasonable amount of time (which is defined by YOU!!!); If you find LB's are increasing in no (ie putting pressure, etc) then consider plan B or something similar.

I didn't want to do it, was so scared to do it I thought I was going to die. I just resisted so hard it hurt, hurt, hurt. Then I finally realised I had no other option and now I'm in plan B. Its really hard, its a little scarey, but at least there's no more LB's, and reduced stress for me (may get rid of your migraine). I can really think about me now and where our R is going. I am still in limbo, but its a different kind of limbo now. I have set a boundary on what behaviour I will accept from my H - I think he seriously considered I was condoning the affair because he knew I knew. Well I'm not putting up with it. Its her or me. Simple.

Its a big decision and you need to realise that when you are doing this you are taking an active step towards the end of the M. You have to be ready and reconciled for this.

chameleon also had good advice.

Your H and Ow may be 2 hours apart, but don't for one minute think that will stop the affair. My H followed OW from Australia to Thailand - distance means nothing.

SH

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 02:47 AM: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</small>

Well, here's what I am going to do. For some reason Michelle Weiner-Davis's name has been nagging at me (probably because her webstiebookmark is right under Marriage Builders website).

Anyway, I felt the need to go back into her books, "Divorce Busters, and "Divorce Remedy".

I am not completely ready to go for a full fledge Plan B but I guess you could say its a pre-Plan B, post Plan A. What Weiner-Davis suggests to do is the 180 degree or the last resort technique.
No more calls, no more being available all the time when he wants to do something, no more talk about or future, etc.

It's going to be tough, I haven't talked to him in about 3 days but I am not going to break down.
(Easier said than done!!)

Is this a good approach?

I think this is a great approach and I kind of implemented it before I went to B. Just remember plan A is for you. You learn what went wrong in the R and you learn how to meet the EN's you weren't. You also learn to get a life for yourself and above all HAVE FUN or you won't survive.

FUN FUN FUN, that's what its about. As much FUN as you can handle. Then have some more FUN and it will take your mind off things (and WS).

Take up a new hobby or dust off an old one. It will get you through the low times.

You're doing well, at first little contact is very hard, but it does become easier when you learn to let go (and that's not easy).

Keep posting.

going_crazy,

The 180 thing is actually a full fledged Plan B only without letting your WH know. Right?

I am not a proponent of 180 mainly because it is a big game. IMHO: It seems like manipulation instead of loving. It never seems right to me to cover your intentions and to send mixed signals. After all, is this not what happened to cause the A. It seems like a step back instead of a step foward. If later on in your R you can not tell your WH what you are going to do out of embarasment or whatever, why do it. One thing you need to do is to keep yourself in all of this. Be true to yourself. Take the high moral road. Be a true, kind, and loving person. You may get some response from the 180 thing, but if it is not in your heart, it seems manipulative and controlling.

Whatever you do, it is your decision and I wish you the best.

Update: WH just tried to call me on my cell phone and I ignored it. He didn't leave me a message.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seahorse:
[QB]Take up a new hobby or dust off an old one. It will get you through the low times.
QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am getting back into my old hobbies, I stayed very busy this weekend!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chameleon:
[QB]I am not a proponent of 180 mainly because it is a big game. IMHO: It seems like manipulation instead of loving. It never seems right to me to cover your intentions and to send mixed signals. After all, is this not what happened to cause the A. QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm trying not to be manipulating, he knows how I feel about him and what I want, I am just basically not going to tell him that all the time. I think WH needs to questions his "comfort level", I am always there when he wants me to.

There has been muliple times when he said that he will come over, and then stands me up because he would rather go golfing or something.

I just don't want him to think I am just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There has been muliple times when he said that he will come over, and then stands me up because he would rather go golfing or something.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is typical WS behaviour, get used to it and always have something else planned for yourself. Remember do not expect anything from the WS and you will not be disappointed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just don't want him to think I am just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Its more important that YOU do not think you are sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, because WS don't notice anything other than OP or themselves, sorry, its harsh, but its just the way it is. Right now you are way down on the list of priorities.

You have to care for yourself now, this is not being selfish, it is surviving and growing. Get yourself so busy you don't have time to sit around. THis IS a true 180! 180 should be done for you, as plan A/B is. Its very difficult, but try to start shifting some of your attention back to you. Take back some of your own power and enjoy yourself.

Its true, 180 can be seen as manipulative, but if what you are doing is for yourself first and foremost then do it. Don't just do it to get attention from WS. Let go and live - I say again, its not something thats easy it dosen't just happen, you have to commit to it everyday. Its a shift in attitude.

Why does marriages have to be so hard?????????????

(((((going-crazy)))))