Well I new that one day someone would tell me this but it wasn't what i wanted to hear! & am very upset, shaking & can't eat my dinner...just got home from work & there was a message to ring my son (he's 27) He said dad phoned 2day & said he's coming up here for the weekend but he won't be staying with me, son said he asked his dad why & he said because he was bringing someone with him so he would get a motel!!! Son was very upset & said do you know about this I replied that I thought he was staying with you I'm not sure whats going on but i have my suspicions!son said well he hasn't waited very long to which i replied well my guess is that it's been going on a while & they think that now we are seperated it's ok to come out in the open. Son said well he's not staying here & when we come down we are not staying with him we will stay with you.. I just feel so sick to my stomach I knew i was right all along how could he do this to us all, he has already lost our younger son because of this.. Please someone help me stay on the straight & narrow I can't get an appointment with Steve Harley until 5th August..I'm off outside 4 a smoke to calm my nerves.....

wrungout:

When my H left me, 2 weeks later, he went 2000 mi to visit his family, and took OW with!!!

They do incredibly stupid things while in the fog. They are soooooooo sure everyone will be "happy" for them, for their new-found happiness. You have to just let it happen. There's nothing you can do to change it. You cannot tell your son how to act towards his dad. Let him decide that for himself. He's old enough to be able to confront *dad* if he's uncomfortable, and doesn't want to be around her.

I will be the first one to tell you to "stay the course." Reading on these boards was what saved my sanity going through all this! I read and saw what others had gone through. I saw that my WH wasn't doing such weird stuff after all....others had done the same stupid stuff!! So I saw that if others could "survive" this, I could too!! With help, of course. Prayer helps me a lot.

God Bless you, and stay close, we'll get you through this visit!

Dear wrungout,

Sorry this is happening - deep in your heart, you already knew that he was involved with this OW in a way that was more than "just friends" - everyone else around you in your small community can see that, too - yes, its awful what some people can do to their families, but there's nothing you can do about his decisions right now. Most affairs of this nature do not work out - and he has not lived through his past the fantasy stage and into reality yet - like the poster before me, he thinks everyone will be happy for them in their new-found "happiness". Probably nothing could be further from the truth. Most people around you will be looking at two broken marriages and a whole lot of pain which the two "lovebirds" don't see. Only time is going to tell how things shake down with this one - in the meantime, everyone else can see just how well you are doing - losing weight, getting a job, keeping your old friends and making new ones. Do you have any good friend there that you can confide in?

I know its a sad thing when sons lose their respect for their father - I saw it happen with my brother when my dad left us.

You are a good strong person and you will get through this a winner in the end.

LIR

Hey guys thanks for your encouragement!
As I said I knew this would eventualy surface but didn't expect H to do this to his son! He always stays with him & his partner when he visits that town. My guess is that they are going up there to break the news (of this new relationshp! to her kids & our son of course we all know that there is nothing new about this at all! but thats what they will be trying to get people to think) I think I actually felt a little bit relieved when son told me this news, I realsise i wasn't imagining things after all & giving H the benifit of the doubt...
I wonder if they have decided to bring it out in the open now because I have been so nice to H NO lb at all & told him I missed H (advise of Steve Harley) my guess is that h thinks that this will tip me over the edge & that I will be LB him left right & centre when in fact the opposite is true i will b nice as pie. One question though if son tips up at his dad H will think it's been my influence 4 sure which its not, i just kept saying to son i'm sorry he said u have nothing to be sorry about why do you say that he then said dad has lied! H said to son we will probably stay in a motel (probably a mutual friends motel!! wonder what they will think about that!! when they turn up) my guess is that would be because H knows that would get straight back to me & the whole village, again he's too weak to tell me himself just like he was too weak to come out & tell our son I do wonder tho if his "excuse to come & borrow a bed from me this week was because he was going to tell me but didn't have the guts to cause I was laughing & joking with him & acting happy! Then again this could be a totally different OW he is taking with him time will tell......A question I have if H meets up with son & they have a row I know I will be recieving a text message telling me what a ***** i am do i reoly or just ignore??? I know it will really upset H if son falls out with him cause when we seperated he said Son understood & wouldn't take sides!!! Our other son won't even talk to his dad so he's lost the respect of one already & I don't know what the reaction will be when OW tells her kids OW son is 15yrs old & at boarding school in the town they are going to stay in which is why i think they must be going up there. This kid is a bit of a rascal & I can see this tipping him over the edge big time but then again thats not my problem eh...Thanks again will let ya know what happens next.... I'm off to the gym to hit the punching bag!!

Ok so I go to the gym at 7am H truck is not home (it was dark here then)& back home at 7.30am & H truck is parked outside OW house so it's obvious he spends the nites there (lucky boy!!) Felt sad as the school bus drove by & OW daughter who is 13 would have been on it she must be living with her father at the moment! So yes it's confirmed & yes I do feel like a bag of ****!!!@##
Oh well must go to work & try & concentrate on something else!

(((((((wrungout)))))))

Sorry for you - you have a right to be mad - this sucks - so sad. But hit that punching bag - put his photo on it if it makes you feel better.

In my opinion, I wouldn't respond to any communications from your H if he gets angry with you over son's reaction. You are not obligated to respond to his angry outbursts or comments or abuse or accusations at any time. You played your part in the difficulties you had when you and H were together and you have taken responsibility for that - H gave up on the marriage and found someone else to play with instead of trying to work on his marriage. That was his choice and the consequences of his choice, including the loss of respect of his sons and his community are his responsibility, not yours.

I think its good you recognize that he expects you to LB left right and center once he comes out into the open with his "news" - won't he be surprised when you take it calmly in public and do not LB if you have to talk to him! I am sure that you will gain a lot of respect by this. You can be sad and angry in private and with your closest friends, and on this board - that's what we're all here for.

Sounds like son has his head screwed on straight - in fact, you and H are STILL married, so technically, even though you have separated, he is still committing adultery and everyone knows that. Your sons love you and always will. I have two sons - they are 6 and 9 - my father left us when I was 12 for another woman who was only 10 years older than me - she and I even share the same birthday, so all of my life I have had to share my bday with his OW! - but my dad has been a great source of strength to me in these times - he's 77 now and admits that he screwed up royally - he has helped me negotiate my way through the minefield of my H's erratic emotions - he has helped me see that I have to look after myself and use the situation to my own best advantage as best I can, which is what I am trying to do now - he loves his grandsons and knows what it means to lose a son - my brother descended into schizophrenia after my parent's divorce and never emerged from it - he died last year at age 42 and his death was a blessed relief from a life which was a living hell - the point is, my father said to me - "you stayed home to be with your sons, you have been a good mother, your sons may fight against your authority as they are growing up, which is natural, and it is your job to release them more and more into independence step by step - people say "daughters are for life" - but sons will ALWAYS love their mother, no matter what - unless you cling to them and try to run their lives - but if you raise them right, they will always love and cherish you, you never have to worry about that."

Keep your chin up - you will get through this hard time.

LIR

Hey Wrungout

Thinking of you - keep pouring your heart, it'll make you feel better.

I couldnt care less about my sitch - I went into 'holiday-from-it-all' mode and still there, which is a surprise as I usually cant shake it.

But youre in the thick of it. Its awful when you suspect something (with a hope that it may not be true) and then it becomes real. I hate that!

Hang on for the ride, its probably going to get bumpy, hold on to what youve learnt and know - dont ride with your feelings.

Dancer

Well thanks for everyones input to my post!! Am feeling a bit better 2nite. I just wish that I could get an earlier appt with Steve Harley as I feel that right now I need to talk with him might email & see if they have another appointment available. Came home had a glass of wine with my dinner & sons partner phoned me so I poured my guuts out to her, they make such a neat couple & I'm so sorry for the pain that they are going through because of all of this everybodys world has been turned upside down. Talked to son 2nite & he had been talking to H he told son that they were just friends but now it was something more WHAT UTTER BULL****!! Son said to H I hope you are not lying to me, I'm afraid that my reply to son was well wouldn't you lie you would hardly tell the truth would you because H history shows he's just not capable of that...Well must get to bed & get some rest had a bad sleep last nite (well if you could call it sleep!)