Can a marriage work if it is only being saved for the children? I love my children so much and I can't imagine being an every other weekend dad. I have been having an affair for 1 1/2 years and my wife found out 6 months ago. We have been to a marriage counselor and talked to preachers and attend church every week together. She has given me four chances and every time I have went back to the other woman. I can't live without this other woman, every time I try I get so depressed and I don't even have fun with my kids. I don't love my wife and I have questioned that for years, (even before the affair). I do try to please her though, I just bought her a new minivan. I just can't lose my kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi there...Have you asked yourself this question??
Why do I no longer love my wife? What is missing in my marriage that I get from OW.
There is a reason that you & your wife fell in love in the first place & I believe you need to revisit that time.
Does your W know about the affair? She has a right to know because her & the children hang in the balance here.
My H is having an A we are seperated because h decided that his "friend" meant more to him than a marriage of 27yrs & as expected as soon as i was gone it was an affair. Funny thing is that I know that H friendship was not right BUT there were things I could have been doing to fill his emotional needs IF ONLY H HAD SHARED WITH ME! His wife & not with OW. My life is now in shreds I have lost everything I worked with my man for all those yrs to build up, sure i have money but as a businesswoman have now had to take a job in a supermarket because I am too emotionally vunerable to be making business decisions at this time. We have 2 grown sons & they are devestated by all of this one of them who is 25 won't even talk to his father & h has not even tried to contact son. So I think that you need to look outside the square, I have been having counselling with Steve Harley & he said to me you must plan A & my reply was well H doesnt love me Steves reply to this was plan A his feelings for you will change.....So give her a chance give your kids a chance, staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your kids is not doing them any favours because believe me they will feel the tension Sorry to have rambled on here but it's something I feel very strongly about. BTW is OW married???
Anyway WELCOME to this site hope you get some more replies very soon...

This is what my OM told me "Of course I love you more than my wife, I communicate with you in a way in which I never could with her. You say the right things to me to make me talk to you." Even less than a week ago when he is meant to be making a go of it with his W and I asked does he love her all of a sudden he said "I will stay with my wife and 4 children" (Yes, he's got 4!).
Couldn't even say he loved her.......

But what do I think? Bloody baloney!!!!!!! Sorry, am angry with him and you. Don't fool yourself that it's just for your kids. I wish he could have been more honest with me. It may have been hurtful, but less hurtful than thinking "Oh, he loves ME really".

And stop shilly shallying around - even I have read enough on this website to know that if you have any chance of making a go of it with your marriage you have to stop ALL contact with the OW. If you don't do this, of course you will keep having feelings for her. That's what's hurt me so, that even though we were supposed to be over, there has still been contact until quite recently. At least I feel freer today knowing he will be on holiday with his W and 4 kids for the next 2 weeks (funny enough, yup she's going to be there too, although he's really just doing it for the kids.... yeah right!)

Sorry if this is angry, but don't use your children as an excuse for your behaviour. Your W and children go together as a package - stand up and be counted and stop seeing/communicating with the OW if you want to give it a go. If not, well, that's something else to think about.

By the by, I have posted elsewhere about the fact that I have 2 step-daughters. They are both bright, well rounded, happy individuals - the youngest has just been named Pupil of the Year at school. My H and his XW split up when she was less than a year old. Again, although this situation may not have been ideal and not one that I promote, children can and do survive. My two look to me as a third parent, even though my recent behaviour has let them down badly. They love me and my family and feel lucky to have so many extra people in their lives. Today, they were talking about their families - this included their D's, their M's and mine, and the quirkiness of each set. You will always be their D. but do them and yourself a favour and stop your current self destructive behaviour.

Again, sorry, don't mean to be so angry, but you touched a bit of a raw nerve with me.

Beign 'in love' is NEVER ENOUGH for a relationship to thrive. What makes you truly think that you are better off with OW? What makes you think that you won't cheat on OW if your relationship with her became an open and serious one?

The problem is not your M or your W but in you and how you deal with the disappointments that life throws at you in a relationship. So far you run away with another woman because you beleive that beign 'in love' with her and not with your W justifies the end. Do you think that you can run away from yourself and from your inability to solve your relationship problems? Well I hate to burst your bubble but even if you left your W for OW the stats are against you and OW making your A into a healthy and thrivable relationship with a future because the ultimate saboteur will always be with you and looking back at you in the mirror.

Osmosis,

My husband came back, strictly for the kids. He did not have the feeling of love towards me when he made his decision to leave the OW and return to our marriage. What he did was choose to love me, and then followed up on that choice by acting in a trustworthy and loving manner.

A year later, because he made a decision to love his wife, instead of the woman that he felt love towards, and then consistently made his actions match his choice, he now feels love towards me, and not towards his mistress who once was the woman he wished he had married instead of me.

Now because we both got on the same page from the start, we followed a plan that allowed us to love each other again. Because when he asked to come back, I had given up on him, and had already filed for divorce. So I had to choose to love him also. It wasn't easy. But we had children, and a life, and we decided that we'd rather work on a relationship that involved both of us in our children's every day lives, rather than work at relationships with other people. When one comes to understand that we can each feel 'love' towards many different people, and that our choices and actions affect our emotions, all of a sudden, the term "soulmate" becomes pretty silly.

Because I choose to love my husband, I work at becoming an expert at meeting his emotional needs. And he does the same for me. As a result, a year after we "made a decision" to love each other instead of other people, we are more in love than we have ever been in almost 12 years of marriage.

Feelings are not facts, even strong feelings. You can choose to control your feelings, or you can let them control you. Personally, I prefer to make my own choices, thank you very much. I often consult my feelings, but no longer do I allow my feelings to override my conscious choices. My life makes much more sense now than it did when I allowed emotion to make my choices.

Heck, you'll probably feel "love" towards a number of women over the years as feelings come and go, and situations change, and life events happen. Are you planning to dump the woman in your life every time you 'feel' something for another?

If so, I think you will be a lonely man.

"I can't live without this other woman." ...

How did you live before you met her?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I have been very unfair to all involved. My W and children know of the A. They also know that TOW is pregnant. I have been telling TOW for the past few weeks that I'm going to leave my W. She tells me not to say that because it just gets her hopes up. My W thinks it ended 4 weeks ago and I thought I had decided to go home and come clean last Thursday but TOW said I wasn't ready, she was afraid I'd go crazy without the kids, so she asked me to keep lying. Then she decided to step back and let me decide. I want TOW and my kids. If it was a choice between my W and TOW I would already be gone.

Let me get this right-your OW told you to lie to your wife? Sounds like a real winner to me. Just remember, what she does WITH you, she will do TO you. Very sad. I think you just may get what you deserve in the long run?....

If you don't want to save your marriage, why are you here? Hint-buying a mini van won't help.

TOW told me to lie because she would rather have me in an A than lose me altogether. My W and I have been to a MC and he told my W to leave me. I have hurt her so much and I keep hurting her. I told her I want to be with TOW. TOW has a real problem with trust and security so she gets scared easily. I'm just a messed up fool, aren't I? I'm being so unfair. TOW is willing to have an A indefinitely just so she doesn't lose me and my W is willing to believe me even though I'm lying. YES, I'M A JERK, but I'm just not willing to give up either. I guess advice isn't what I need, I need to grow up, huh!?

C-Osmosis;

You don't need to "grow up", you need to face the REALITY that you have a choice to make, and make it VERY soon.

You KNOW you can't have both; Choose! Do it now before you further damage more lives. You'll have to choose eventually; you know this. DO IT NOW! Putting it off won't help, it'll only hurt more.

And if you make the choice for your M and your W, stick around here, we can help you and we're willing to help you.

Osmosis:

"TOW told me to lie because she would rather have me in an A than lose me altogether."

Great relationship. Built on lies.

"My W and I have been to a MC and he told my W to leave me. I have hurt her so much and I keep hurting her. I told her I want to be with TOW."

Your MC should leave that choice up to your W. I think she should leave you, though. That way, you WOULD have to be with the OW, and live a real life with her, without your kids. How long would that last?

"TOW has a real problem with trust and security so she gets scared easily. I'm just a messed up fool, aren't I? I'm being so unfair."

You're both pretty messed up.

"TOW is willing to have an A indefinitely just so she doesn't lose me and my W is willing to believe me even though I'm lying."

Your W wants more than anything to believe what you say is true. She loves you. This makes your continued lies all the more cruel.

"YES, I'M A JERK, but I'm just not willing to give up either."

Yes, you ARE a jerk. But your jerkiness is a function of your behavior, which YOU CAN CHANGE.

"I guess advice isn't what I need, I need to grow up, huh!? "

You need both, and NOW.

osmosis,

Most important question to this whole affair game:

WHAT IS LOVE? Do you think love is simply defined by feelings? Do you think the love that you feel now is permament? Do you not know that marriages which start in affairs only have 5% success rate? Do you know why? Do you think what you were looking for before the A, and now believe you have found, will satisfy you when what you found dies away?

Love your kids sooo much? But your kids know about the affair!!?? WHAT do you think you are doing to THEM? They whom you so adore...what a load of crap..you love YOU.

End your marriage and go to your OW with a clean slate..your kids won't die...they will adapt. And so will you.AND your W,whom you do not love,will hopefully find someone to love her.HOw does THAT sound...like a plan? Is that REALLY what you want?

I'll tell you osmosis, if your OW REALLY loved YOU, she would give you up to your kids and your marriage. You don't like what you are doing,do you?

Osmosis - go back and look at your topic header: "Can my marriage work?"

Answer: NO!

Why? Because you are screwing it up big time. You can't expect your wife to want you if you have someone else on a string. You know what you have to do if you truly want your marriage to work. No one here needs to tell you.

And if you really care about your kids as much as you say you do, BE A MAN, and do the right thing. Do you really want to know that they're crying themselves to sleep every night because daddy left to be with a different mommy? Think about it.

If you haven't alreay, please read "Surviving An Affair" by Harley immediately. I am currently rereading it and you are a textbook example.

Right now you are emotionally tied up between 2 women. You need to make the decision to save your marriage for you, not just to see your kids. Before marriage reconciliation is even possible, you have to absolutely cut off all contact with the OW. It sounds like you have done that and failed. Another textbook example. You go back to square one and keep repeating the same behavior. This book discusses that you will go through a withdrawl period of missing the OW, mostly because she has met needs that your wife has failed to meet.

Have you and your wife taken the Emotional Needs Questionaire together? You can find it on this website or in the back of "His Needs, Her Needs".
For even a chance for this marriage, your wife needs to understand the needs that she could not provide that the OW has provided for you. Also, its a 2 way street, you need to meet your wifes needs as well.

Have you thought about seeing a different counselor, I would be questionable about any counselor flat at saying for someone to leave their marriage (unless there was abuse).

That's just my 2 cents worth.