going_crazy...

No more relationship talks w/ H. No more questions about 'why' he did or said xyz...

H is right about CHANGES... they must be for YOU to really be effective... what you do must be about you and for you...

Listen to Steve. He is the most experienced at this... but mostly... lean on God... give Him YOU... YOUR H and YOUR MARRIAGE...

then just ride the rollercoaster... detach... detach... detach... as you detach... as you quit asking him questions... as you begin to 'hold yourself together' you will create change between you...

You must stop GOING to him... and allow him to GO to you... no more pursuing... 'cause he will run far and hard...

Have you read lostva's story? She plan A'd for a year or more while she and her H had no face-to-face contact and he lived w/ OW.

Good luck,
Cali

can I please cry a river with you, that is what ws say s to me>>>. met me at astros game , spoke 2 words to me and wanted to take OUR children and leave and he did.. NOW i am alone... ok, he wants this... sily man.. oikk, whatever.. I am basd typist , ritht? ok? hlep ... ok bye for now... I care about you, I am sorry you are her in this trech with me. Honey.

going_crazy...

I am new to your story, but I feel for you. I'm so sorry for all your pain.

Cali is right, you must have no more R talks with him. If you read your first post of this thread, and then the last one you wrote, you will see that he's still saying ALL the same things!! Hun, he's still in a major FOG!!!

Ignore his comments, get busy living YOUR life, and let him have what he THINKS he wants!!!

Remember the stats. His future R with "wonderful" OP cannot possibly last!! The stats are against it! I hope this makes you feel better. It always did me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you don't go to church, then at least read His Word, and let Him speak to you that way. He does care for you, and He loves you totally, UNconditionally! Our wonderful Lord wants to fix this. Please wait for His timing and His Miracle in your life.

God Bless,

Dear G_C,

I am so sorry for you. I've even got tears thinking of the pain you are going through. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Let me pat you on the shoulder and give you a hug.
You have gotten so much advice from many others, so much has been said. I guess nothing is really making you feel better. Life can really be a drag a times. But no matter what, we do fall so deep at times only to recover and get up and move on.
There are times in our life when we feel that it can't get worse. But have trust in yourself no matter what happens.
TRUST YOURSELF, you will make it no matter what. Many have written their experiences, many times I have had tears in my eyes when I was reading. At times I felt hopeless, I felt so lonely, misunderstood and mostly I felt unloved.

I know that my story is different and I know that we managed to make things work out. At one time when my H was in the "fog" I remember I told him very calm and I was honestly serious. I told him:
"My dear ....., I have always loved you, I have always looked at you as the man that I wanted to grow old with and I have always wanted you to be happy. "
Yes, no matter what mistakes I made, I truely wanted you to be happy. I still want you to be happy and I want you to live the life that you have wished. If I have to let you go and let you live your life without me, if this is what you want and if this is what it takes to make you happy, then I will let you go. The years that we shared were precious and I have learned alot from you. You will always have a special place within my heart and I'd like to thank you for the wonderful years we shared together. They meant so much to me and they were unique. I wish you to be happy and I wish that your dreams will come true. Forget the years with me and move on. I don't want you to suffer and I don't want you to think bad of our past, I want you to feel your best and I wish that you will be able to move on and become the great man that you once were and that I know you are.

G_C, I told this to my H and I was serious about it. I would of let him go. I wasn't angry, no I meant every word that I told him. I just wanted him to make a decision and I didn't want him to make an decision that he might regret. I wanted to let him know that he could really go if he wanted to and it would be safe for him. These were the most difficult words I have ever said. It really "broke my heart" and yet I knew I would manage, no matter what.
I would of survived even though I truely didn't know how.
I have No Family here, no one that supports me. I am in a foreign country. The only family I have is my H family. I have worked in our own company my whole life, I have never done other than that. And yet I knew I would survive.
I even wanted to go back to the country that I was born. (Canada) All relatives are strangers, I don't know a soul but I would of done it and I know I would of made it!!

I don't know if this would change anything in your case but try to see the positive. You might have close friends, relatives, sisters and brothers that will support you and comfort you. The best of all, you have support from SH.
Please try to see the positive sides, no matter what. You are living, you are healthy, you are strong!!!!!!!!!!!!You know what you want. You might not be getting what you want now, but you know what is important for your life. Honesty, love, understanding. You have learned not to give up on a person that has lost his prespective in life. You were able to proove that you are a great person.
Even though you H might not realize this now, he will, believe me!!! There will come a time in life when he will truely think about himself differently and ask himself what was going through his mind. It's just a matter of when. Try to let him go and find this out for himself. Do it in a soft and understanding way.
He is weak and must learn alot in life. You might not be in the best position of life, now. I can truely feel the pain and confusion you are going through, but believe me, you are capable of things that you never would of believed. Once you learn to let go without expecting and going on with life, you too might be asking yourself the some questions. "What was going on in my mind?" What was I afraid of? Why did I want this marriage, no matter what??

I think that we BS also go through a stage of "fog". The shock is so big for us and it hurts so bad, how couldn't we also go through a foggy stage??? This really takes time and going through the different stages of emotions is overwhelming, when I think back.
But it does get better just have trust in yourself.

G_C, move on and treat yourself the best. Who knows what this will bring. And remember:
"When one door closes, another will open."

bb

GC just wait a bit and see what happens. Do not do anything to help this dv along, if it happens, and keep getting advice from SH. Do not do anything until you have consulted with him.

your H is in major fog right now. He has got scared and is lashing out at you. Hopefully he will not do anything rash, but this cannot be guaranteed, obviously.

OW is making selfish demands and having angry outburst, you know what these are - love busters, major ones. Things are not rosy in paradise, so bide your time.

Can I make a suggestion? Go and do something that you like to do, it dosen't have to cost much or it can cost a fortune, it could take 10 minutes or all day, but please GC, start doing things that you like to do, this will give you some energy and take your focus off this horrible situation for a while. You will see things a little more clearly.

I know you don't feel like it but force yourself. I have been there, we all have and once you start, you will see what I mean. Look, somedays the last thing I want to do is wake up let alone go horseriding or meet with people, somedays I feel like driving my car into a brick wall, but I force myself on in 5 minute increments when I feel that way. We can all get through five minutes at a time, OK? Fun, gotta force ourself and know we are worth it.

Then sit down and make a list of what you need to do in case he does file for dv. I hope it dosen't happen and I somehow just don't think it will, but you need to be prepared GC, as unpleasant as it all is, you have to protect yourself, the mothership is in control.

Good luck and God bless

G_C,

my thoughts are with you. Please have trust in yourself.
I can feel the "hurt" and the deep pain that you are going through right now. Gosh I wish I could help you through this.
But this might help you a "tiny" bit just knowing that you are not all alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Please take care of yourself..................

hugs
bb

(((((((((gc))))))))))

GC, ditto what Cali said! Your hubby is a classic case...reguardless of what he thinks. All the things he spew from his mouth are moreso to convince HIMSELF than you. Detach!! Don't take it personally!! Do what you can to work on yourself and your life, and let him build his sand castle. The big wave of reality will bring it crashing down before too long.

Going Crazy - Oh my gosh I hadn't checked in all weekend and I cannot believe the pain you are in - I thought you were heading for an upswing - but you know I have been and are where you are now - My husband went to therapy for one session and he didn't want any part of it - he didn't think that there was anything wrong with him - go figure huh??? I know that no one can tell you what to do but you have to get yourself back up - this is not your fault and you cannot change what he is doing - I basically think my husband has lost his mind but to talk to him you would think that he is the victim in all of this - I guess what I am trying to say is that there comes a time when we have to decide do we want to do this anymore - do we want to deal with all of this pain??? Should I just let it go and stop fighting and see what happens??? As you know I am getting a divorce - why I don't know - it is like he wants it and I just finally said you know what ok - I hope someday he sees the light and realizes that he made a mistake but you know what if he doesn't then its ok I am going to be ok... You are a person who does not deserve this pain. You do not deserve this constant roller coaster ride... You sound like you are falling into a deep depression - Have you been to your doctor - are you on antidepressants?? I will tell I was never one for them but I went to therapy for a few months and he told you know you are dealing with something tragic and each day it is something new you need medication to help you process this pain... I cried from October until June when I went on them... I hope you are doing better today I see you haven't posted please give an update - I will be praying for you....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>You must stop GOING to him... and allow him to GO to you... no more pursuing... 'cause he will run far and hard...

Have you read lostva's story? She plan A'd for a year or more while she and her H had no face-to-face contact and he lived w/ OW</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cali, thanks, I realize that I pushed too hard when he came around, I really think I scared him off this time.
I went ahead and found Lostva's story, it is going to be difficult.

I should be thankful that he moved out of the OW's house. But I'm scared it will make their fantasy seem more real, they will most likely being seeing each other on weekends for their stolent moments for each other. I feel like I don't have a chance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lupolady:
<strong> Remember the stats. His future R with "wonderful" OP cannot possibly last!! The stats are against it! I hope this makes you feel better. It always did me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you don't go to church, then at least read His Word, and let Him speak to you that way. He does care for you, and He loves you totally, UNconditionally! Our wonderful Lord wants to fix this. Please wait for His timing and His Miracle in your life.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now, my WH thinks that they are part of the 5% statatistic that affairs due survive, he has done such a 180 on me, just when I though the knife was out of my heart, it got jammed back in there and twisted alot more.
Right now, I am trying my best just to Let Go and Let God take care of the situation. It is hard to faith when you don't know where your life is heading, especially when I have been on this roller coaster for 19 months now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong>I am so sorry for you. I've even got tears thinking of the pain you are going through. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Let me pat you on the shoulder and give you a hug.

And remember:
"When one door closes, another will open."

bb</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blondblossom: As always, your posts touch my hear so much, I thank you for sticking with me and letting me know such vulnerable parts of your life. Thank you for the hug. I'm scared to close the door, I just don't feel ready. Everytime I read something and just yesterday I did, the Bible book of Hosea always shows up, it has from the very beginning. I don't know if you have read it but basically Hosea (the husband) takes back his wife as commanded by God after she commits adultery. It does not feel right for me to give up, I truly feel God is telling me to hang in there. Just when I start to give up, I see his word, and it encourages me to wait.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>GC just wait a bit and see what happens. Do not do anything to help this dv along, if it happens, and keep getting advice from SH. Do not do anything until you have consulted with him.

your H is in major fog right now. He has got scared and is lashing out at you. Hopefully he will not do anything rash, but this cannot be guaranteed, obviously.

OW is making selfish demands and having angry outburst, you know what these are - love busters, major ones. Things are not rosy in paradise, so bide your time.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not going to encourage it, but from the way he is acting, he seems pretty set to do it. I don't know how the OW is acting in this situation, if she did demand it, it doesn't seem to bother him. He has filed in the past, but he did not go through with it, I am pretty sure he will this time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4future:
<strong>All the things he spew from his mouth are moreso to convince HIMSELF than you. Detach!! Don't take it personally!! Do what you can to work on yourself and your life, and let him build his sand castle. The big wave of reality will bring it crashing down before too long.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He thinks that they have lived reality, since had lived together for at least 18 months, even though we spoke almost every day. Any suggestions on detaching and Plan Aing at the same time?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maw64:
<strong>... You sound like you are falling into a deep depression - Have you been to your doctor - are you on antidepressants?? I will tell I was never one for them but I went to therapy for a few months and he told you know you are dealing with something tragic and each day it is something new you need medication to help you process this pain</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was on antidepressants before, I had alot of side effect headaches, I didn't want to stay on them forever, I knew that I had to face reality.

Gosh he's gone through this cycle twice now. His stuff is at your place. He's living alone. He has not moved back with her, by his choice or her demand.

There were about 3-4 false recoveries before I threw in the towel and said no more. We did not have another woman involved - he went back and forth between his parents and me. But each time he went back I was a wreck. Only the Witnesses surrounded me and picked me up. So go to church and surround yourself with friends.

- Relate

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Relate:
<strong>There were about 3-4 false recoveries before I threw in the towel and said no more. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is our 3rd false recovery, I was really hoping the 3rd time would be a charm

I am trying to have faith here, my husband is having his first counseling session with a therapist on Wednesday (she double booked on last Friday and canceled). I am hoping he does not make a rash decision of filing before this. I hope she can bring out his indecision and turmoil inside of him.

I had mentioned to him last week that I would be willing to schedule an appointment with her by myself so she could get a better in depth understanding.

I pray that she can open him up, I really do.

Hi G_C,

I hope you didn't understand me that I was telling you to give up. No, this isn't what I was trying to explain when I wrote " when one door closes another will open."

I meant for you to let go. When I say let go, I don't mean to give up. I mean let things go.
Do good things for yourself and see what time brings. Find abit of inner peace and calmness.
Let go of "wanting" so badly. This is a big inner challenge, I know and I know how much strength and energie one needs to come to this state of letting go and letting things happen.

"When one door closes another will open": try to see what might happen when you close the door. Concentrate on yourself and your happiness. Stay polite and calm towards him and don't build up a negetive additude. This will harm "you" the most. There are no long-term "winners" and "loosers" in this, even if you might think this right now. I know this hurts, it tears us apart and yet if you manage to keep your pride and calmness you will always be able to look back in your life and be prowd of yourself.
Believe me, your H will think about this too. This might be what Plan A is about. Do the right thing for yourself and leave the best impression, give reasons for him to think good about you and feel good about yourself and your reactions.

"another door will open": you will have to find trust within yourself. You will be finding out things about yourself that you probably never knew. Stay open for life and find out what it has to offer. Find happiness is small things in what you have now. Do things that make "you" happy. Don't concentrate only on what "could" be. I know you are probably thinking that this is impossible right now but try it. Go for a walk, listen to musik that makes you feel good. Take a bubble bath and have a glass of wine with yourself. Get your hair done, make yourself look good. Buy something nice and then just go out for a cup of coffee on your own.
You might not think that you can do this right now, but try!!!! I did this and it helped "ME". It made "ME" feel better. It pulled me out of depression and it helped me not to fall into a state of "locking myself" outta life. I hope you understand what I am trying to explain.

When you feel like crying, do it!!! Let out what you are feeling. Then tell yourself that you are a wonderful person and your life is going to be ok. Give yourself a smile and give yourself comfort.
But really try to "let go" and get into life!!!!!!
I was just talking with my H last night and we were discussing something about a girlfriend of mine. She is separating from her H and she is doing this on her own. She isn't having an affair and I told my H that this is what I really look up to.

She has trust within herself and doesn't feel strong because she has someone "giving her strength" or "babbling" in the background. She is listening to what she wants.

I think that when people get into affairs and suddenly think that everything was so wrong in their marriage they feel this way because there is someone there that is "babbling" the same thing. They fall for the temptation and feel as if they have to decide between "heaven" and "hell". They will make the same mistakes unless they learn.

The couple that is having an affair are thinking that their world will never become that way. Who knows? Heaven hardly ever stays this way and if they want this to last they must learn to work on their relationship and not give up and move on and think it's gonna just happen.
This is why an affair hardly turns out to be a long-termed funtional relationship. It has started "tricky" and it was based on "unhonesty" and "lies". It might feel right, it might last for a while but it hardly does as this too becomes "routine" and the bad sides of each participant will smack into their faces one day.

Your H OW does seem to know what she wants. As you wrote he moved out because she pressured him to either divorce or go. So what was your H doing?? He didn't want to be pressured nor did he want to be told what to do. He moved!!!! When things were not working for you and him, what did he do?? He moved!!! He had someone in the background "babbling" and this made him feel strong!!!

When he was on his own, he was seeing you and he was feeling good about this. This made him feel strong!!!
Now OW is "babbling" again and this makes him feel strong to want to divorse. So again he is moving from you!!!! (emotionally as you weren't living together)

What does this tell you????? G_C, think!!!!!!!!!!!! When the next conflict comes up he will again "MOVE!" He will be doing this over and over again as he isn't strong on his own. He seems to always need someone.
Now he has actually told you that if you don't have a smooth "divorce" things will be getting bad for you and he will punish you!!!! (I'm just reading between the lines)
I read from this that OW is "babbling" in the background!!! She is pressuring him and giving him strength. She will probably be doing this to get what she wants.
Your H feels that this is right!!! But it's a "time factor". If you can stay calm and give no pressure he will be seeing this and this will for sure come into his mind.
Think, he thinks he's getting heaven!!!!!!!!! He thinks when this is all over everything is going to be a "dream"!

Again, what will he do when "conflicts" come up???? Who will he run to???? What can he and OW look back to???? I'm pretty sure that OW is very dominent in this case. But what will your H do when they have problems and he feels "weak" again??? He doesn't seem to have the pride to stand through difficult phases, he tends to run when problems come up.

As long as your H doesn't know what "HE" wants it would be better for you to concentrate on yourself. You are swinging with HIS problems as he doesn't know what he wants!

So no matter how sad and how bad you might be feeling, ask yourself if you would want to "switch" with him, no knowing what you want and who you truely are. Live YOUR life and see what will come.
I truely wish that your H will come out of his "fog" and see what is happening instead of living in "confusion" and fantasy.

This will happen, it just will take time.

hugs
bb

sorry double posted

<small>[ September 03, 2002, 02:03 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>