</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>taking a break from spreadsheet hell... Hey I did page Jim yesterday... and he paged me back but I did not answer.

stay strong......
Honey</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honey, why did you page him? I'm going to use Pepperbands MB whip or whatever she has on you!! LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> you sound as if you are abit better. I wouldn't in your case tell him anything about your doctors appointment.I
wouldn't send him any notes at the moment. Get him thinking!!!!!!!!
Get him questioning!!!!!!! Get him wondering what is going on.
Remember he just told you a little while ago that he wants a divorce ASAP!!!!!!!!!

Just stay silent and kind if he contacts you but I wouldn't do any writtting anymore.

Get him wondering why you are not answering his email. He will be questioning and he is going to find your reaction
different than it used to be, even if it is such a little matter as telling him about your doctors appointment.

Hold back!!!!!!!!

G_C, this is just my opinion, you know your situation much better than I do.

take care
bb </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GC, I totally agree with BB, detach, keep your Plan A/B but detach from him, make him wonder, let go, but don't give up. If you were divorced and he was married to OW, would you be e-mailing him daily, probably not. He thinks he wants a divorce, then start to act like you are (to some degree), continue to PlanA/B, but don't be there to immedately respond to everything. Hang in there, my guess and hope is that he is going to do another 180 down the road, probably sooner than you think. In my experience, when the WS is on the fence like this and goes back in forth, the duration of the cycles tend to get shorter in time but if he knows that you are always there, always waiting for him to come back, he will continue to string things out. He knows you love him and he know you want to work on the marriage, you have shared your most inner thoughts and feelings with him, you have and continue to work on yourself (Plan A). I think the modified PlanA/B -detach advise from SH is great, hang in there, I know it is very hard.

I had to let go before my WS would come back, the more desperate I became, the further it drove her away. When I was finally stong enough to detach and let go, she took notice and came back. The PlanA/B can be very effective..

Take care,
Dave

Thanks Dave, I have been really good, I have not responded to him, detaching like this does help me feel stronger, I don't have to listen to his babble.

However, I am wondering so much how is therapy appt went, he will probably be emailing me with the update (maybe) tomorrow morning

Going Crazy - I wouldn't take offense to him saying he would have kids with her I mean give me a break how well does he know her??? And if they ever were to get together it would never last because their whole situation is based on lies....You know for the life of me I wish I knew what made these people tick - I am talking about WS and OW and OM - I mean really what kind of a person would cheat??? Why does he think he would do it to you again...???? That is just horrible - This is one experience that I never plan on living through again.... I would not wish this upon my worst enemy - well maybe my husband and the other woman getting a dose of their own medicine wouldn't be bad... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !!! How long have you guys been married??? Is he going through a midlife crisis - my husband is 37 and I would definately described his crisis as a typical midllife crisis-- But I will agree you definately feel stronger when you pull away and try to make yourself happy - You know the heck with them theory - though I know from past experience that it really doesn't stay that long but enjoy it while you can... Stay strong....

Maw64, it was 5 years of marriage back in June, we were together 2 years prior to that. He started acting "funny" turning 30. (I'm 29, he's 31 now). A little early for a MLC, I think, but who knows?

WH has been by the house this afternoon (he still pays half the mortgage) to get his mail. He would have had to make a special trip of here to do that, so either he is going back to where he is staying, or he will travel further to see OW, or maybe he came back in town to go file for divorce??

Didn't leave me a note or anything!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

GC -

I take it you were not home when he came by because of how you worded your post?

Honestly, I know it's got you wondering what he was doing..where he was going...but if you weren't home...I'm kinda pleased about that because it still keeps you in no contact...and makes him keep wondering/guessing about you and how you are doing..although I know it's probably driving you nuts... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Would he have been expecting you to be there or not when he came by? Not sure if you work..and what kind of hours...so am unsure if he made the trip intentionally to coincide with a time when you probably would not be there.

Well, try not to think about it too much...I know this is easier said than done.

Here are some hugs for you....

((((( going_crazy )))))

Warmest Regards,

YR

I'm not for sure what time he came by, but I am sure he was trying to avoid me, I didn't get home until about 6pm, he gets off about 2pm, with an hour drive here.

Also, it makes me wonder if he kept his therapist appt, because it is near his work???

Going Crazy - OK stop wondering or again your name is gonna come into play - do not try to figure out why he came or when he came or if he was avoiding you because you are not going to know the answer - You know I am going to start taking my own advice - I think everytime I try to give someone my opinion on their situation it helps me see my situation clearer - Anyways back to you - you can't speculate on what he did because you cannot control what he did or what he is doing - Remember it is about you - not him - you cannot help him - you know my lawyer told me that men in their 30's are having their mid life crisis nowadays - I mean she is a divorce lawyer and she has seen it all. So maybe it is a crisis if not midlife then some kind - So he is still paying half of the mortgage so he cares about something - I mean he could have just not paid or he could have made you put the house up for sale right??? I know you are going crazy trying to figure out what is up - but I don't think you are gonna find out - you have to just sit back and see what happens - It is up to you how much you are going to deal with. I have found in my situation that I know he cheated on me, I know he lied to me for over a year, I know that he basically dumped me - but I also know that no one thinks I should give him the time of day. But I know that I still love him, I know that he has lost his mind and is making a huge mistake... So for me it is easier to just talk to him on a friendly basis when he calls to talk to the kids - Everyone has to do what is right for your own situation... But you know my cousin told me I am worthy and I deserved to be loved and someday I hope to be with my husband or maybe with someone else... Who knows??? But just relax and let it run its course.... Keep up your chin... and smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !!

yes, maam maw64!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You are right, worry is the waste of my imagination!!

By the way, how did it go with the IL's ( I think that was your post?)

Hey no the IL's wasn't my post - it tends to get confusing doesn't it - I actually haven't posted in awhile because things are relatively calm - I am going to court in two weeks from today so I will probably be falling apart soon - but right now I am on an upswing - I actually think sometimes the using your real name works better - I am Mimi - because if you think about most of these names they all sort of blend together because they basically are meaning the same thing and very close you know... So I take it your husband hasn't tried to get in touch yet... I am sure you are watching American Idol - I never watched that - I am watching Big Brother - I am really hooked on this one.....

Hey GC -- MaW/mimi is right on with the don't think too much about why he came over. Since what they are saying and doing doesn't make much sense, you definitely shouldn't try and make sense out of it.

I will check in with you tomorrow -- I'm so tired right now I can't post intelligibly right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH has been by the house this afternoon (he still pays half the mortgage) to get his mail. He would have had to make a special trip of here to do that, so either he
is going back to where he is staying, or he will travel further to see OW, or maybe he came back in town to go file for divorce??

Didn't leave me a note or anything!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GC, I think the more you can detach yourself from this situation, the less GC you will do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
In addition, I think it will also give you a better chance at your marriage. I know is it hard, I used to set goals for myself, I would not iniatate any contact for 1 day, then I would try to go 2 days, then 3, etc... the better I got at this the more FWS would come around.... If WS iniatiates contact then Plan A, be nice, polite, respectful, caring, etc but stay calm and a little reserved, make him wonder, show him that you are stong and you will get through this one way or the other and you will be a better, stonger person for the experience, and YOU will be!
Dave

Stay Strong,
Dave

Hi everyone! I don't post much because I don't feel that I have good advice to give. I think I kind of stumble around. I am so happy to hear all the other BS's handling the WS's "fog talk" My WH's conversations are so similar. Doesn't have that passion for me, wonders if we ever had it, afraid we will never get it back, doesn't want to reunite unless he KNOWS he will be happy. Geez! Forget about doing anything, right Nick, a magic spell will just be cast, nothing to do with anything we ourselves do!

I am in Plan B since 8/4 after a failed reconciliation. WH renewed contact and told me it wasn't a big deal since our marriage problems have nothing to do with OW and he wouldn't be with her even if we aren't together. I do find myself trying to "educate" him as G_C says and trying to understand him, even though SH says he isn't using sound logic.

So, thank you for sharing, all of you. I am with you--one of this gang of wonderful people whose wit and intelligence and faith is incredibly inspiring.

Maw64:
I was thinking it was either you or mgm, I will have to do some searching, it was about a month ago. Yep, I was watching American Idol, it was on a 1hour tape delay here, bummer, because Honey called me at 9pm my time, and told me who won!!!

Unsureheart:
I know babble, babble, babble, I need to go see if Orchid has responded to my thread, you stay strong too!!

Davepr:
You know me too well, when I first decided on a screen name going crazy was the first thing that came to mind. Since he has emailed me 3 times since my letter, (first one says he can’t do it, second one thanking me, third asking about my dr appt), I am thinking I am going to send a quick email tomorrow morning, maybe, need your thoughts on that. I was just planning on saying that my tests were normal, not ask how is appt went (if he kept it).

Anne6263:
Have you started a recent post?? I’d like to hear your experiences, does the fog babble sound the same to you?

HEy, I am still up... and it does look like you are getting GREAT advice and GREAT SUPPORT HERE AT MB!!!!

Wish you could go to the astros game with us on the 12th! Hey, I am feeling stronger but weaker.. it is so hard.

I know I drove my spouse away and then even more in the seperation by my affair lb's.

I reallyh have to be the old me, the one he fell in love with if there is ev er love to be between us again. I dont when I stopped being the wife, and lover, etc.. and started being the fixer and the boss of our life.. his life.

I read tnite that men hate to feel controlled.. it emasculates them... they hate it. THey run from it, it is suffocating... let them be FREE.... let loose the noose... hehe... I am up a little late for my brain. I got sleepy in bed reading a book I grabbed at bedside about what makes men stay forever and what drives them away... Yes, the controlling wife is a true turn off... true many of us controlling woemen think we are doing this out of love or concern... sometimes it is out of FEAR.. that they will leave us if we let go... I had such a mixtyre... the drinking, the thinking J is irresponsible with money... me trying to fix the budget and our lives by taking control of it all.

Oh... I am so unhappy with what my life is now, and I have to fix it.. with or without him... that is what we must do... fix it to be happy alone then the love will come with them or with another... hopefully and surefully with them.

I think hyour ow will lb... just give her the rope to hang herself.... I did hang myself with just my regular thoughts to go on. I have learned a lot and have more to learn... ASD HAV#E you... You are strong.. YOu are the strong woman he has come back to several times.. the one he married.. the one he can't divorce.

Remember that . and act as if things are right... dont talk about your insecurities... tonites reading sd that the insecurities make the man unhappy and make him feel untrusted... trust that he is yours and is returing to you becuaws oh my gosh I cant type... he is returning to you because he cant leave you...

Anyway.. think my sleepiness is definitely here. I am sick ovwer not being able to do more housework... but I guess it's the weekdays. My house!!!! AGH.

I think it is great that this week has gone so well... keep it up GC! You are GEtting Congratulations... on thye restoration of your marriage GC! OK!

Hugs to you and goodnite and good day tomorrow... keep busy and focused on you. Honey

G_C;

you really sound as if you are doing good. It's great when we feel that we are not alone when we are going through such hard times isn't it?

What Honey wrote about men hating to be controlled is very true!!!!!! I agree completely with her!!!

I don't want to get your thoughts too "high". But I think the fact that he came to get his post wasn't just to get his post.
He could of asked you to send it to him, couldn't he???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
You said he had sent you 3 messages. You answered neither. Each message seemed to get "softer".
And when you didn't answer, what did he do???? He came to get his "post!"
It doesn't matter if he wanted to see you or not, it doesn't matter if he wanted to avoid you or not. He was taking the chance to see you because if he wanted to avoid seeing you, he would of just sent you a message.
You have definately gotten him thinking and curious. I still wouldn't contact him!!!!!!!!!
I know this is surely very difficult but if you look at what is happening you will see that he is reacting. You are "pulling back" and he is taking steps forwards, towards you.

Let him figure out himself what is going on. Don't even react to him that he got his post. He will surely be waiting for you now to say something. Believe me, he's waiting for you to say something. He had the urge to come home and get his post, he felt he needed to do this.
He's definately curious because men hardly go out of their way just to get their post or things like that.

By the way, this must of been a very strange "feeling" for him to be in the house alone after such a long time. I'm sure he was really thinking.....................

Keep yourself as busy as possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs and stay strong!!!!!!!!!
bb

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> handling the WS's "fog talk" My WH's conversations are so similar. Doesn't have that passion for me, wonders if we ever had it, afraid we will never get it back,
doesn't want to reunite unless he KNOWS he will be happy. Geez! Forget about doing anything, right Nick, a magic spell will just be cast, nothing to do with anything
we ourselves do! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WS are very predictable.. I think most of us have heard the same thing, it is VERY common and part of the Fog. Don't believe much of what you hear from them, you can't apply logic to a person that is not thinking logically. They will do and say about anything to justify the situation, sometimes I think they are trying to justify it to themselves..
My FWS does even remember saying these things now... so I would try to let these things bounce off you and not take them to heart.

GC, if you do decide to reply, I would just state that everything is fine, thanks for asking. Nothing more, don't leave the door open for an on-going e-mail conversation with him at this point in time..

Good luck,
Dave

Honey: I was up until 1:00am last night, finished my book. Its called the Surrendering Wife, by Laura Doyle

BB: the book above explains how a woman can be less controlling in her marriage, wish I would have seen it before!!
The fact that he came to get his mail doesn't mean anything, that is the way he has always done it, knowing that I would not be home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Davepr: well, I did just reply to his email he sent me yesterday (sorry, BB), but I just said that everything was fine, thanks for asking, and that was it

G_C,

hope you're ok. You know your situation the best so no need to say "sorry". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb