ooooppppps double post

<small>[ September 05, 2002, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Hey Going Crazy - Let us know if he replies to the short but sweet email - ?? OK??? I still think that if he is paying for half of the mortgage that also must mean something??? Has he ever asked you to sell the house??? Don't you just wish sometimes you could get inside their brains... You know it is funny about this controlling thing - I don't think that I am controlling but my husband does - totally - he thinks that because I used to make the plans for us, pay the bills, clean the house and basically do everything that I was in control - and you know the funny thing is that I didn't want to do anything - I just knew that if I didn't do it then it wouldn't get done??? It is also funny because most people looking at my situation think that he is the one trying to control me - trying to put the blame on me - trying put the affair on me - etc... He is really the one that controlled me - I used to never make plans outside of the family without discussing it with him first all of the time - There never was a me in the marriage - their was always a wife and a mother - So as far as the controlling thing goes - I don't really know how you define that word - but I know husbands and wifes have completely different interpertations... Let me know what is happening today... Mimi

Email I sent him, short and too the point:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My appt went well, it wasn't painful at all like I've heard. Everything is okay, doctor said the tenderness is normal after the infection and should go away. Thanks for asking.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He just replied:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Talk to you later. Thanks for the update, I had to go by the house yesterday
to get clothes to wear to the City Council meeting last night.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I should not try to read into this email but from his response I gather the following things.

1. He had brought all of his dress clothes here, he only had everyday work clothes with him, he must have had to come up then go right back, its a little over an hour drive to his work, and I know his meeting starts at at around 5:30 or 6:00.

2. Since his meeting starts at that time and usually goes till about 9pm at night, I doubt that he would have made a 2hour drive after that to OW's house, just to get have to leave by 3AM to go back to work. Besides, his friend that he has been staying with is also on the Council.

3. So maybe he didn't have time to go file for divorce or anything like that?

4. Final question, did he or did he not go to his therapist?? I'm not going to ask, I will let him tell me.

MAW64: I just read the book called The Surrendering Wife, totally awesome, it basically to me elaborates on MB concepts. How to recognize disrepctful behavior, and how to treat your husband with admiration and respect. I too, did the same thing, paid the bills, took over the household, this book is awesome, men don't want to be controlled, the want to be the masculine one, they want to take care of their wife, if you got to www.surrenderedwife.com you can download and read the first 2 chapters for free.

Thanks for the info on the book GC....I am going to go to that site today and read the first 2 chapters. I have a huge issue with this...I did all the things you mentioned in your post...plus I support our household financially on my own...which is a huge issue for my H.

Regards,

YR

Going Crazy - Thanks I will go and check out that website tonite probably - but you know I don't feel like I was controlling - what are we to do when they won't pay the bills or do anything else - only because they know we will do it???? It is like when you have a newborn and your husband sleeps straight through the crying and you are up the second you hear a peep - they know that you are gonna do it so they don't even attempt - though I know that not all men are the same some will actually do things... So I don't want anyone mad at me... I am definately gonna check that site out... Now I wonder if he didn't mention it because he didn't go - or is he just expecting you to ask - ??? that is a good question??? I wouldn't ask just see what happens next....

Hi, Have to get back to the doldrums in a moment here... complain complain.. but I am sure you are doing great todya... I liked you short email and that he has not been threatening the big D or anything like that... in any emails , calls or etc. he is busy working and needed clothes for his meeting, makes sense... Do not even worry about him filing D.. he is not going to .. that was angry talk.

Let it go, be someone he can come home to... the submissive wife, right?

Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Plan A with no begging, pleading, chasing, or controlling. My gosh, I am better off just keeping my mouth shut. It's best to be silent sometimes!! Oh, I do hope he was just saying that out of anger. I am hoping OW is LBing and pushing him, telling him to do it.

Maybe she pushed him, he pushed you, then pulled himself back and regained his balance. Seems like he's settling into single living again, which is an improvement of your position.

Wash his clothes and iron and hang up his dress shirts? Will he see that as controlling?

What you've got to do is recreate passion in the marriage.

However, I found out the other day that you are just 29 and must have been 27 when this started. You have no kids. Is he worth it? I don't think the question is whether he wants to have children with you. It is whether you want to have children with him.

- relate

<small>[ September 06, 2002, 03:02 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>What you've got to do is recreate passion in the marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it's very difficult to do that when he is not living here!! I haven't seen him for 9 days now, since the "talk"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>However, I found out the other day that you are just 29 and must have been 27 when this started. You have no kids. Is he worth it? I don't think the question is whether he wants to have children with you. It is whether you want to have children with him.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I married him, he is my husband, I made a vow to him that I want to keep, to me, it does not matter if we have children or not. I know the man I married and wanted a family with, however right now he's a completely different person that no, I would not want children with. If we could go back to the beginning, no, actually start over, and rebuild on solid rock, yes, I do want a family with him

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by going_crazy:
<strong>Email I sent him, short and too the point:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My appt went well, it wasn't painful at all like I've heard. Everything is okay, doctor said the tenderness is normal after the infection and should go away. Thanks for asking.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He just replied:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Talk to you later. Thanks for the update, I had to go by the house yesterday
to get clothes to wear to the City Council meeting last night.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I should not try to read into this email but from his response I gather the following things.

1. He had brought all of his dress clothes here, he only had everyday work clothes with him, he must have had to come up then go right back, its a little over an hour drive to his work, and I know his meeting starts at at around 5:30 or 6:00.

2. Since his meeting starts at that time and usually goes till about 9pm at night, I doubt that he would have made a 2hour drive after that to OW's house, just to get have to leave by 3AM to go back to work. Besides, his friend that he has been staying with is also on the Council.

3. So maybe he didn't have time to go file for divorce or anything like that?

4. Final question, did he or did he not go to his therapist?? I'm not going to ask, I will let him tell me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I responded back to his email this morning, he had basically said I will talk to you later, didn't iniate anything, so my response to his email was a simple:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So WH sent me one back, I am not for sure if he was mad or what:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I love your one word answers now. I may come by tomorrow so we can talk, I am
playing golf in the morning in X at 10:00. I am staying at my grandmothers babysitting her dog right now. Joy, Joy </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Soooooo, do you think he's irritated or just wondering. I wonder what he wants to say. He also tells me in that email (without me asking), that he is staying at his grandmothers (close to his job, 2 hrs from OW), is he trying to tell me he's not staying with OW??
The bad thing, though, is that where he will be playing golf in the morning is about halfway between our house and OW's house, yuck!!

So, should I respond, ask him what time he is stopping by??

Hi GC -- I am going out at lunch at buying that book. I certainly had some of these traits and my WH has low self esteem to start with and I probably made it much worse. I've been trying. He keeps saying he's going to come over and mow the lawn and pick up the mower from the repair shop. It's been a month and a portion of my lawn looks like the tall grasses of the Serengeti Plain. In the past, I would have called the repair shop myself and picked it and mowed the lawn after about two weeks. This time, I just let it go and am letting him deal with it. So, I have an unsightly lawn that I'm sure is the subject of gossip with my neighbors and is probably harboring wild animals, but I'm ignoring it.

Hope you're having a better day.

I would tell him, in a nice way, that you had plans for the day, whether you do or not! Make something up if you have to! Ask him to be specific as to what time he was stopping by and you'll let him know if that was convienent for you. Part of the problem is that you've been to available to him, he runs to you and then treats you like a door mat. He does take you for granted and assumes you'll be there when ever he needs you. Show him that this is not the case. you will be there for him if, and only if, he is there for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> actually start over, and rebuild on solid rock, yes, I do want a family with him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand.

- relate

I responded back to his email, I didn't mention anything about talking, just asked where his grandmother went.

He replied back and told me she went to a reunion. So "most likely" this reunion is probably over the weekend, probably tomorrow, so that means he will still have to stay there?

Ugghhh, I'm scared that since I didn't jump on the opportunity to talk to him that he won't do it.

Just out of curiosity... what is it thats making you want to rebuild your M with somebody who has said this to you? I am all for saving a marraige worth saving... but im just not understanding this one. I am not trying to flame... sorry if it sounds that way. I just think your happiness should be first and foremost. Id be happy to get some enlightenment here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by joule:
<strong>Just out of curiosity... what is it thats making you want to rebuild your M with somebody who has said this to you? I am all for saving a marraige worth saving... but im just not understanding this one. I am not trying to flame... sorry if it sounds that way. I just think your happiness should be first and foremost. Id be happy to get some enlightenment here.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I noticed this is your first post. This site is called "Marriage Builders", hence I am here for a reason, like everyone else, to save and rebuild a marriage.

I love my husband very much, or I would not have married him. Yes, he has made a mistake, but we all do, I know he did not wake up one day and decide "I'm going to leave my wife for another woman and have an affair".

Additionally, if we only look into our own happiness, we will mostly look at what feels good at the present time, time will pass, and what feels good at the moment will be long gone. I am looking at my future.

I would advise, if you haven't already, to read the MB concepts and post your story

Joule,

Why does she ...? Because she wants to.

Stop pressuring her. She's handling enough pressure at the moment.

Oh god! Is it another one of his famous Saturday talks?! Wear a dagger-proof west.

- relate

<small>[ September 06, 2002, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

g_c... i completely understand. Short story: i was in a long term engagement, caught him in an A - fairly new one... but with a long time friend of his. I too would not have gotten engaged with the intentions of getting married had i not loved him. i had a son though.. and for that reason as well as my love for him i fought for our relationship. I applied the MB concepts (not intentionally - it just so happens my own personal theory coincided with it), and although he knew i knew aboutthe A, it just made him more cautious of how he did things. He changed his attitude towards me yes, but not his actions when he left the house. He truly never felt for me what he felt for this long time friend of his. Of course he loved me, we are good friends till this day... but im glad for my own well being that ive moved on. By no means would i have wanted to live my life married to a man that ever questioned his feelings for me at that level. Mistakes are forgivable, feelings are not erasable, however. As my feelings for him could not be swept under the rug, his feelings for her would never be swept under the rug. It was hard to live with... but 3 years later, it doesnt bother me in the slightest. (Sorry this is so long). I just read your posts though, and see the pain yorue going through with all of this, no matter how well you compose yourself in front of your H, and I cant help but think... is this really working for YOU? Say he did come back home, in 5 years will you really honestly truly be able to believe him? if you cant believe his words when hes in this "fog" of his... can you believe him when he says hes over her? can you believe that it is just a phase? I myself couldnt deal with the questions burning in the back of my mind, living with that. I truly hope things work out for you, wether they are with or without him. But how do you think hed react if you filed the divorce papers yourself? If he wants out so badly, or whatever it is hes claiming today vs. yesterday? I think some A's are a phase, are just a result of an open opportunity or whatever... and there are solutions and fixes... but it really does bother me to read the pain youre in. I felt that, and i tried so hard to fix something that just couldnt be fixed any longer, and that pain, and the pain of covering my own wounds, was harder to bear than just moving on. Even if it was without him. Good luck... you sound like a wonderful person. Im sorry this is so long, but your story really did strike a chord in me, sounded all too familiar. I wish you the best... Joule...

relate - (and g_c) sorry if i sound like im pressuring, i had a question and i didnt know there were restrictions on what could and couldnt be asked here. Ill make a mental note for future reference. I simply asked becuase of my own curiosity. and from the sounds of her posts, she is very caring and understanding, shes put up with alot, and been through alot, probably more than she deserves. And that is my point of it all. He has dragged her through this for how long? And shes still in plan A. Great for her. But... I think she may be capable of more. Hes still undecided for crying out loud. Im all for supporting her. But I support her working through her M as much as I support her being her own self, with or without him. I thought plan A included doing what you have to do with or without the WH. The only pressure is her own H's indecisiveness. Why should his decisions sway her? Shes way more intelligent than that, and Im not sure everybody here (not all) are giving her the credit that shes owed. Sorry if I offended anybody, but I certainly thought I was entitled to an opinion. I support her no matter what decision she makes, but I just hope they are her decisions based on her feelings and most importantly, her happiness. Sorry if that conflicts with anybody else's views. Ill shut up now before I make any more enemies so soon.