HI,
Lor mentioned in one of the posts an "Exit Affair". I understand what it is but how do you know if yours fits the picture? GEEZ another thing to worry about! Can you still save your M from an Exit Affair. I am kind of afraid my H's affair might fall under this category. Any way to tell or do you just take your chances?
Thanks
Sharon

UCFW;
This might help:

Types of Affairs
Affairs are loaded with romanticism, morality, mythology, and intense emotions. They're not really about sex, but about pain and fear and the desire to feel alive. They're also about betrayal. Most people enter marriage believing they would never have an affair. A great many of them have one or more affairs. Before you can decide what to do with the affair in your life you need to know what it means. These are the different types of affairs:
Conflict Avoidance Affair
Affair Conflict Avoiders are nice ?? they're terrified to be anything but nice, for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment or losing control. They don't have a way to stand up to each other when there's a problem, so they can't resolve their difference and the marriage erodes. An "equal opportunity" affair.
Intimacy Avoidance Affair
Affair Intimacy Avoiders are frightened of getting too close, so they keep the barriers high between them. Conflict is one barrier, affairs are another. Their emotional connection with each other is through frequent and intense conflict. Often, each spouse becomes involved in an affair. These couples are the mirror opposite of the Conflict Avoiders.
Sexual Addiction Affair
Sexual Addicts use sex over and over again to numb inner pain and emptiness, much like alcoholics use alcohol. Among married people, men are sexual addicts more often than women.
Split Self Affair
The Split Selves have tried to do marriage right. Both spouses have sacrificed their own feelings and needs to take care of others, and the deprivation has caught up with one of them. The affair is serious, long-term and passionate. The spouse who is having the affair focuses on deciding between the marriage and the affair partner and avoids looking at the inner split. Most often this is a man's affair, but that may be changing.
Exit Affair
Affair Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point. Another "equal opportunity" affair.

HI,
Thanks spacecase. I went to the site. Took the determining test. Only ONE PROBLEM. My H's affair fits all but the SEX ADDICT, affair type. Oh well at least he's not a sex addict.

I guess there is really no sure way for me to know. Some of the things he has said lead me to believe he is done. He has said that. That he never wanted to talk about what was wrong because he was afraid I'd start to cry and he would say things he was not sure he meant anymore. Alot of the things he said I've read here from other WS.

I guess the hardest thing is that he ended it with the A and NO attempt to try and work on our M, and also NO mention that he was considering leaving or having trouble in our relationship.

I would still like to try I think we could make it, but now that he is gone and with the OW and living on his own I am afraid my chance is dwindling.

Thanks Spacecase for the info. Hope things are well for you.
S-

Ute, whether or not it is an exit affair is mainly a determination the WS makes in their own mind & behavior. My H's fit exit A pretty well, though he did have the longing for his family too, and that's often what brought him back home...only to leave again.

Your choices remain the same, no matter which kind of affair it might be. As you said in your other thread (paraphrasing here), giving the best effort you can so that you have no regrets for your actions. That's your mission. You can't control his aims or objectives, only yours.

Thanks Lor,

I know what you say is true. It is just so hard to convince myself once and for all to do it. Sometimes I feel like I am full of hot air, just spouting stuff and lying to myself. All I guess in some pathetic attempt to make myself feel better. To believe in something that doesn't seem believable.

Anyway in what ways did your H's A seem like exit? As I said my H's has components of all the types of Affairs (what a complex guy).
Thanks
S-

I think it can be hard to tell sometimes if it is truly an exit affair or not. My WS insisted that 'our marriage was over in his head' before the A took off. That he wanted a divorce, that counseling would never help, that I'd be better off without him etc etc! I felt sure at that time that he WAS in an exit affair. One great book to figure out exactly what type it is is Emily Brown's books- "Affairs' and she also wrote "Patterns of Infidelity and their Treatment' which goes into great depth about types of affairs-especially the emotional ones. What I thought was an exit affair was actually a split-self affair according to her books and in the long run that proved to be the case as we are in recovery now. I really recommend that you read her books as they really helped me sort thru things and figure out what to expect for the long run. Take care! lifeismessy

Thanks LIM,
Yes I kind of think reading the different type that this is also a split-self, it is just hard to pin down with him, I don't think it fits exactly into any category.

Despite what he has said I have been thinking and I really don't believe the exit one. He told me that after I found out about the A he really did try to convince himself that it could work, and apparently he pulled back from the OW a little. Enough that when he finally decided he wanted to go with her, he told me he hoped he hadn't screwed things up too much with her, because he hadn't been in touch with her too much. He said it made him feel like he was cheating on me. I said "You where"

I think if he had really made the decision about the D and our relationship being over that would have been the end of it. I would have found out that would have been his escape valve and he would have been free. But, actually he tried to keep it a secret, from EVERYONE, I don't really think he would have told me if I hadn't caught on. I think he wanted to persue it, try it, see if it worked, then if it didn't he'd know and be back. No one suffered. But when I first found out I told him, "If she is in the picture, I'm out of it" He KNOWS it meant it. I think that is why he is pushing the divorce so hard. He knows me, he knows I am not the type to stand by and watch him have and affair. I also know that deep down inside he is not a man who would blatanly cheat on a KNOWING wife. Me knowing ruined his plans. The guilt of me knowing and him wanting to persue her is KILLING HIM. He tells me the stress of having this "thing hanging out there" is killing him. I feel sorry for him because I think he thinks as soon as the D is done and final everything will be okay. He is so wrong. I don't think, I could be wrong, but I think Vegas would give me pretty good odds, that this thing with the OW is NOT going to work out and he is going to be one sorry guy the morning after.

But this is very typical stuff for my H. He gets an idea in his head "this will be THE THING" that solves all his problems, He persue, and persue and throws all his energy, money, time into it. It falls flat or isn't quite "RIGHT" for him and somebody else is always there to pull his nuts out of the roaster. Unfortunetly he is burning ALOT of bridges here, family and friends, there really isn't going to be anyone to pull him out. I am not even sure if I will be here. I want to be but I am also getting tired.

Anyway I'm WAY OFF subject, guess I just needed to get some stuff out of my mind.

Thanks for your reply, I am glad things are going well for you and your H. I admire anyone who makes it through this, reconciliation or not.
Sharon