Well, I'm healthy again, and the weekend was okay.

Today I'm a little confused because on the one hand my H actually answered an email from me today (2nd one I sent to him since early Sept.). I asked him some questions about my car - it needs repairs. He replied, and even phoned his usual mechanic and got me a quote. Positive, right?

But, on the weekend he and my sis-in-law both told a mutual friend that I am using her as a spy, and that I'm always prying and pumping her and one other mutual friend for info. I'm not! I think he may be upset I found out from one of these friends that his dad was ill, but why I don't know. I figure I had a right to know that, after 12 years. It's like he's desperate to have complete privacy. I don't know what he's trying to hide. Juicy wierd stuff he is up to (eg. dating people), or the fact that his life is not very exciting and he isn't dating. Maybe it's all part of punishing me - can't let me know anything about him! You know, I have nothing to hide, and would gladly tell him where I am (was), who I am (was)with, and what I am (was) doing at any time since we've been apart.

Oh well, I guess I shouldn't lose sleep over something I can't do anything about. The old irrational me would've wanted to confront my H and my sis-in-law about this, but who cares. I'd rather frustrate them by not reacting. Sound wise?

Jen

BUMP....any thoughts on my update above?

Still curious, why would my H be so desperate for his privacy? Any thoughts from other BSs?

"Methinks he doth protest too much"

I.e., his apparent need for privacy doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you... just that he's being a bit of a [censored].

Just a guess on my part.

All right Jen since you insist, I'll feed your demons of insecurity and paranoia by saying that I have a 'suspicion' about why your H wants his privacy not 'violated' by you. He is having an A.

He may not want you to find out about it because he then loses his 'moral superiority' over you and which in turn feeds his resentment of you.

Of course I could be way off here but you know that he has had a R with two women prior to his separation from you. Whether you like it or not any one of these could have been taken to the next level, an A. Even if this is not the case it is better to be prepared for the worst than to be emotionally caught off guard when the truth is revealed.

Sorry Jen for not being more positive.

Hi Jen.

I've been reading your thread with interest as I am a WH and I'm also having difficulty re-connecting with my W although she does allow contact. My concern is that you not beat yourself up too terribly much over your statement...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I don’t deserve my H’s love anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know all the guilt your are feeling, but in the darkness remember that Jesus' statement to the women brought to him by the Pharisees: (John 8:1-11)..."'Neither do I condemn you', Jesus declared. 'Go now and leave your life of sin'". When I picture that exchange, I see Christ straightening up, and lifting her head, looking into her eyes and telling her that he knows she fell, but that His grace is sufficient.
Just words, I guess, and I'm certainly no one to hold any one in judgement or to forgive. But I know I am forgiven and loved by God no matter what because I have repented and I'm learning not to hold Him at arm's length anymore.
Blessings to you, and His strength in your difficult road ahead. Hold on to Him, his grace is sufficient.

Hi Jen,
Just re-read my reply...
oops...sorry "women" s/b "woman".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he's being a bit of a [censored] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">J.R., I love that explanation! Simple and to the point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TMCM, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'll feed your demons of insecurity and paranoia ...He is having an A...Even if this is not the case it is better to be prepared for the worst than to be emotionally caught off guard when the truth is revealed.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All in all, I know one of my big foolish weaknesses is my ability to waste time speculating about things that I can't be sure about (which feeds insecurity and paranoia!). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Yeah, I know that a PA on his part is a possibility, although I actually figure the odds are better that he's worried that I will find out that his life without me isn't very exciting, and that his 2 girlfriends aren't getting along. At this point I wouldn't be shocked if he's in a PA with one of them. I don't know how Mr. Needs-Sex-Everyday (my H) is surviving without it, it's been over 8 weeks since he got any from me.

lostinsimi,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I know I am forgiven and loved by God no matter what because I have repented and I'm learning not to hold Him at arm's length anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do feel the same way. I suppose I was just down whenever I typed the statement,"I guess I don’t deserve my H’s love anymore." You sure have been down a long road. Kudos to you for continuing to keep at it and keep trying to save your marriage. I wish you well.

Jen

Yeah he may be acting mysterious and making you wonder he's fooling around with other women when he's most likely sitting alone in his room in his undies (a la Homer Simpson) with a beer in one hand, watching a porno video and furiously spanking his monkey, dreaming of past good times with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's kind of difficult to hold a beer, yourself, and a remote control with only two hands....but indeed TMCM, indeed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Jen,

I agree with TMCM. And I am glad you are hanging in there. It is hard to avoid the speculation about what his motives are. It strokes his ego to tell everybody you are obsessed with knowing about his actions. Honestly if that were the case he would be throwing a fit and telling you to back off. I think this is just one of those center of attention ploys he likes so much. Plus maybe it solidifies that his plan of punishment is working and you are just wasting away without him. If punishment weren't the plan I think he would be making some real move by now to free himself of his marriage. Because of a combination of things he is likely to act magnanimous and take you back after your grounding is over. The combo being: 1. He could justify to everyone a divorce. 2. He could safely move into a sexual relationship with one of his EA without losing his victim status if he announced his intention to divorce. But he doesnt...why...because I dont think he wants it to end between you two. He just never wants to be the patsy again. He has a need to prove to himself and the people around him that he is not taking any more and he means it.

I am not saying the way he is going about this is right but I think it makes sense to him. His manhood has been questioned he can't let that happen without making a huge stand.

And I think PA's are different for men. Ofcourse this is not pollitically correct but it is more often than not true. Even in my marriage my husband says he cannot understand my depth of forgiveness...he could not forgive if the situation would have been reversed. I have only ever been with my husband when we were first married he said he was happy about it but if I had been with other people he would have understood.(He, however, had many notches in his head board) Now years later he says he lied. The idea of thinking of anyone else even holding my hand makes him sick. A while back we saw a guy we both went to highschool with. This guy happened to ask me out right after my husband and I went on our first date. I told him no I only date one person at a time. That was it. Nothing. My husband hates this guy. Walked away from him in the store. Would not speak to him. He says the fact that he knows this guy had mental pictures of me in his mind makes him sick (they played ball together so I am guessing there may have been some locker room comments etc.) Now this is ten years later.
I am not defending your husband but I understand that men derive alot of pride from their wives, especially when they have a satisfying sexual relationship (as you two did and as do we). Now you and I know the affairs werent about sex but a deficit in the EN mixed with poor choices but for him it is not only a loss of who you were to him but who he thought he was to you. I think the He-man in him is trying to heal. What he doesnt know yet is there is alot more work to be done.

I say until he is married to someone else take everything as a positive. What do you have to lose?

Good to hear from you Jen...keep your chin up!

ayslyne

Thanks for your encouragement asylyne.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He just never wants to be the patsy again. He has a need to prove to himself and the people around him that he is not taking any more and he means it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I originally figured his intentions were.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I say until he is married to someone else take everything as a positive. What do you have to lose? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like a good philosophy to me.

The thing is, this week I'm feeling further away from him than ever. I feel like we will be strangers to each other by the time we start talking again. I worry that I am going to have trouble living my life "for" him again, and not "for me" if we get back together.

But, I'll try to stay positive and hopeful. It's how I prefer to be.

I'm going away for another couple of days with friends. I won't be able to post again until Sun. night.

Have a good weekend,

Jen

Jen:

"It's kind of difficult to hold a beer, yourself, and a remote control with only two hands....but indeed TMCM, indeed!"

What? He's got feet, doesn't he? ...DOH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jen:

"I worry that I am going to have trouble living my life "for" him again, and not "for me" if we get back together. "

You shouldn't live your life 4 him no matter what. You both are individuals. True individuals have the least difficulty being in committed relationships (I ripped that off Just Learning!).

Hope you have a good weekend, Jen.

Once again 2Long you have beaten me to the punch line.

BTW how's 'Doc 2Longs happy,happy cannabis salad with dressing' coming along? Don't send some of it to Jen because she's going to be so happy she's going to forget her H for good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TMCM:

We're looking in2 the feasibility of a "brownie salad". Whadayathink?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>TMCM:

We're looking in2 the feasibility of a "brownie salad". Whadayathink?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey you know I'm game. Count me in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh please, you think we women haven't thought up the idea of brownie salad long ago?? I make that atleast once a month...I just adapt the recipe and leave out the dressing and the lettuce and...well, everything but the brownie and occasionaly some frosting.

I'm wondering...would you maybe be able to draw me a picture of how the foot thing works?? Here's a green crayon.... LOL!!!

h4f:

"I'm wondering...would you maybe be able to draw me a picture of how the foot thing works?? Here's a green crayon.... LOL!!!"

I'm not sure I could draw it, and I've NEVER tried it, but there's a song with a verse in it that says:

"Last night, I stayed at home and m********d, it felt so neat, I used my feet!"

DOH!

Well gee, it sounds like you guys had some fun while I was away. Myself, I just want either a brownie or a salad, they don't go so well together!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "I worry that I am going to have trouble living my life "for" him again, and not "for me" if we get back together. "

You shouldn't live your life 4 him no matter what. You both are individuals. True individuals have the least difficulty being in committed relationships (I ripped that off Just Learning!).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah but plan A seems to suggest otherwise.... eg. live your life for the spouse, do everything in your power to show how good you can be to them and for them. Also, I think it was living our lives as individuals, without as much concern for each other any more, that got us into marital troubles in the first place......

So, how the heck can we live happily as two individuals yet as a married couple? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I know I should ask my counselor this question again too - she emphasized that any healthy relationship is made up of two healthy individuals, not two "enmeshed" people.

I wait with baited breath, and nothing in my hands except the mouse and the keyboard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jen