i just got back from a trip and i cheated. i don't know whether to tell my wife or not. should i?

Yes. Why did you cheat?

i'm not sure. i got married young( i am 24, married 2 years) and i guess i just wanted that young, single feeling again. the person was extremely attractive, and it just happened. i had won a trip for one on what was basically a singles trip, and i thought i wouldn't be tempted. i guess i was wrong. now i can't get the other woman out of my head. i don't know what to do; should i bury it and move on? i'm worried that i won't be able to be close with my wife anymore.

i'm not sure if i want to, but i don't know what to do

At Peace, or somebody, please respond!!

The fact that you are here posting this question indicates that you are not totally comfortable with the idea of not telling your W(wife) that you cheated on. If you are not comfortable with the idea of hiding what you did then consider how negatively it's going to affect your relationship with her:

1.You are robbing your W the right to decide whether she wants to be married to you.

2.You are robbing yourself the right to true intimacy with your W by placing a wall of secrecy between the two of you.

3.If you cheated once, what's to stop you from doing it again? After all, you got away with it once, and if and when the opportunity to have another A(affair) again presents itself, the chances are pretty good that you will fall into another one.

4.If the environment of your M(marriage) became so bad because of your unfulfilled EN(emotional needs)not being met by your W that you were vulnerable to having an A, then how is she going to be motivated in trying to fulfill them from now on?

5.Your W is married to a man that does not exist. Her view of you as her H is fictional, a fantasy, a lie. Do you want this to continue to be the case?

6.The truth often tends to come out of nowhere and your W may find out thru somebody else about your A and then the damage will be greater and harder to repair than if you had told her yourself.

Please think about these things before you decide to take the route of non disclosure.

i guess one major reason for not wanting to tell her is that she is not a very emotionally strong person (one of the reasons why i'm unhappy to begin with). i'm not sure if she will be able to take it, i don't know what she'll do. i'm more afraid for her than for what might happen to me. if there were ever a split, i feel like i could move on eventually, but i don't know about her...

I know I don't need to tell you that you screwed up ... in a massive way.

Have you read any of the stuff on this site, or did you come straight to the forum board? You need to read the basic concepts that are found on the main MB site.

First of all, you had NO business being on a singles-type cruise without your wife. Period. How did she feel about your going?

By choosing to be unfaithful, you made a huge life-altering decision that will change your life and that of your wife. No, you cannot just bury what you did and move on like nothing happened. Your wife deserves to know about something that will affect her in so many ways.

You need to deal with the issue of why you made this choice...if you don't, it could very well happen again.

I know other more experienced MBers will be along to go into more detail, so I'll step aside now.

Lori

i don't know what to do...

another problem is that i'm fighting this overwhelming desire to contact the OW.

You are in what it's commonly referred to here as being 'in the fog' which is an infatuation with the OW that you feel that you must maintain contact with her.

Your M(marriage) does not have a chance to recover from your A(affair) until you stop all contact with the OW period. If you do end all contact, you will go thru withdrawl very much like a drug addict that goes thru withdrawl from his favorite drug.

Read everything in this site and the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''His needs Her needs' and 'Love busters'. Also consider getting counseling thru Counseling center

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cancunprob:
<strong>another problem is that i'm fighting this overwhelming desire to contact the OW.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you dare. To be blunt, that would make you a prime slug. That cruise, the OW, and all the crap that went with it is all fantasy. Don't throw your marriage away for a bunch of junk.

You're young and confused, and you have NO idea how close you are to ruining a huge chunk of your future. DO NOT CONTACT THAT WOMAN! Focus instead on improving yourself and your relationship with your wife.

You don't have a problem, you have a decision to make.

You don't know what to do? Call your wife. Tell her how much you love her and why. Then call a marriage councelor and make an appointment.

Lori

Actually, I think you do know what to do, otherwise you wouldn't be here.....

Do as At Peace suggested, and read everything you can on this site. Do not contact the OW, it will only make things much worse for you and your W. Yes, you are very young, and you know what you have done is wrong and foolish. Please don't make it worse by contacting the OW, and not giving your W and your M a chance. At the end of the day, you may not want to do that, but if that is the case, end your M, get DV and go to OW. Is that what you want? I'm sure the answer will be no.

Now listen very carefully, I am the WS - I was the one that had the A. My H knew that I was different and something had changed. He just knew, because he knew me so well. Of course I lied to him but I kept thinking deep down I should tell him - he had a right to know he wasn't going crazy, yes something serious was up. In the end, he went looking for clues, and yup he found them. He read e-mail correspondence between myself and two friends. The effect of some of my messages were devastating to him. It would have been better he heard it from me.... I regret that so much.

You will be surprised at the strength your W will draw on to get through. It will be a horrible experience for both of you, but not as horrible as loosing someone you chose to marry and spend your life with.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but read all the material here.

Lisa

Start reading on this site...start really reflecting what marriage means...what it really means to choose another person and make vows to them....

You need to take full responsibility for your own actions...

"it just happened" doesn't quite fly here..you made it happen....
face yourself honestly and you will be able to face her...
You don't know what to do...well the RIGHT thing to do is to tell her....
Get the books to much coffee recomends...
Seek council from professional and or clergy.
ARK

how long does it take for this "in the fog" feeling to go away?

I think part of the reason for the A was passion involved. not only is that passion lacking in my marriage, but i don't think it has ever been there; it has always been a closeness of friendship and comfortable intimacy. even when we dated, there was just not the sexual, sensual passion. that is what i crave, and i'm not sure if i can get it with my W, if it has been lacking in what are supposed to be the "honeymoon" years of our marriage, and even our pre marriage.

any more advice? if i do choose to tell my W, how should i approach it?

Cancunprob,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cancunprob:
<strong>I think part of the reason for the A was passion involved.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That doesn&#8217;t sound like real passion &#8211; it sounds more like lust. Passion, while it can be an sexual desire, is usually something shared with love. Lust is a selfish thing, like infatuation. All you can think about is how it makes YOU feel. Not only that, it certainly isn&#8217;t based on the realities of day-to-day life.

It was really, really, stupid to go on that cruise without your wife. Wise course would have been to let it go, or find a way to take her along.

I wonder if there wasn&#8217;t a part of you that was curious. A part that wanted the ego fed a bit.

You are running a huge risk here. You are losing your own self-respect. I don&#8217;t know how you think this woman you cheated with will ever trust and respect you for anything more than a short term shag arrangement. And your wife, she might forgive one stupid fling, but you are about to put her through the shredder aren&#8217;t you by keeping your feeling for this other woman alive.

This isn&#8217;t healthy passion you feel &#8211; this is something sick. Think!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cancunprob:
<strong> not only is that passion lacking in my marriage, but i don't think it has ever been there; it has always been a closeness of friendship and comfortable intimacy</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now that sounds like something real!!!!! How many people have a chance at what you are throwing away!

You&#8217;ve got to face the music. Read the site. Figure out how to face your wife. Sure there will be an aftermath but she might just surprise you with her strength.

<small>[ November 11, 2002, 04:46 AM: Message edited by: Jamie MacInnis ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cancunprob:
<strong>any more advice? if i do choose to tell my W, how should i approach it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Set up an appointment with an MB oriented counselor for yourself to relate your story to and then set up a follow up appointment with the same counselor for the purpose of revealing the truth to your W about your A. The MB oriented counselor can help you to constructively approach your W to invite her to the meeting. Having a professional that specializes in saving marriages, instead of sinking them, can help you in carrying out a plan of marital recovery. Once again try to contact the Counseling center for a referral.

Sorry, but you can't have that single feeling when you are married. You need to choose. If you don't tell and she finds out, it will be much more harmful to your marriage and more devastating to her. She may find out if you have exposed her to an STD which is a real threat since you don't know anything about this person you had your fling with. She could have anything, including AIDS. And no, there is no 100% effective prevention. Please do the right thing and tell her. Get into counseling and fix your problems, don't take on new ones.

Did this person know you're married? If she did and she cheated with you, she just may cheat ON you someday.