NoLongeralone9,

I would really like to talk to you one on one by phone. You having been where my wife is now will give me some true insight. If you call me at 515-832-5502 central time and leave me your number I will call you right back. I have a restaurant and tonight should be fairly slow. I am really curious on how and what you felt being in her situation. I wouls like to tell you kindof what's been going on and what I need to do.

Hi Al-

I think you asked the wrong person for permission to talk on the phone!! I will ask my H and see what he thinks. We have more than 1 phone, so maybe we could all 3 talk. This is definately a boundary for us. I tend to be the "I want to help" kind of person, sometimes to my detriment!

I understand what you are saying about "the fog". I guess I even had my own fog for a while. I did some things to "show" my H that other people find me attractive. I was trying to prove (more to myself I think) that I could get someone else, so he better watch out. This was more of a revenge reaction than anything else. When you feel like you are ignored for a long time, you really start to feel like no one would ever be interested. It is a self-esteem problem. Does this sound like what is going on or is it more serious (dating others etc.)?

I think you are doing well with the "little surprises" in your daughters bag. Maybe you could add some one-liners like with the coffee - Hope you have a great morning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Doing little things like that will keep you on her mind. I bet every time she drank a cup of coffee, she thought of you. That is execellent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Also try to think of little gifts that might relate to a happy time in your marriage. You want her to start thinking of the "good" times so she won't focus on the bad.

Just remember, the most IMPORTANT thing right now is consistancy!!!!!! Show that you are not going to go back to the way you were. That this is not a fear reaction, but a new way of life for you.

I agree that you are too focused on the divorce date. It will make you do desperate things. You need to let that go. I'm betting if you don't mention it until close to the date, and then ask if maybe she will move it back a little to give you more time to prove your changes, you will be surprised by the response. By then she should have some things to look back on and see that you are changing. This might make her willing to see if the changes will last.

Let me stress here that I never had an OM or anything close to that. If that is your situation, the things I am telling you probably won't work. I just wanted my H the way he was before we got married. I wanted us to have a better marriage. I also wanted him to prove we would if I gave it one more try. I wanted him to work to convince me. Basically I wanted to be the center of his universe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Boy, I wasn't asking for much, was I <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hoped this helped some. Will be back later!!

Try to keep smiling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are so right. First of all she is 27. We have been together 7 years, married last 3. We have a daughter almost 3. We startde 2 businesses this last 4 years...hers (photography) mine (restaurant) we built them from the ground up into 2 successful businesses. This last 1 1/2 years have been difficult. I had an EA (about 2 mo.)over a year ago. She knew, but I kept denying until August when all he!! broke loose. I know I hurt her. I feel so bad. We were not spending time together meeting each others needs. We grew apart. I ruined the trust. She feels I never loved her and only married her because she was pregnant. NOT TRUE. Had I known this I very well could have worked on it. I have been going to IC in August right before we split every week, she hasn't gone at all. I do know her needs now and know what to do differently if given this BIG chance.

two weeks before I moved out I found out she put her profile on a dating site. She had been emailing a guy telling him nast things about me......she said she really didn't mean all those things and that when she wrote them she was mad. She continued to eamil when I didn't like it. She said he was a nice guy!!!After 2 weeks she was falling for him??? Then I knew what was coming.....I moved out.....she got a RO
I was served divorce papers 9-25.....only contact since was on 10-18 when she called me and we had a 2 hour GREAT talk. She opened up emotionally to me. Something she hadn't done in a long time. I was very caring and understanding and she said I did sound different. She knew I found out that she went with a different guy to a concert (she met him on diff. dating site.....talking email and phone 3 weeks) She said nothing happened. I did not get mad and told her I understood (old Alan would have been furious). When she got off the phone she was probably wondering where her husband was! She may be dating. The guy she went to concert with is 3 1/2 hours away.......so not worried. NO PERM. OM. She just wants her freedom to find out who she is and I believe to be validated as a viable woman. Her self-esteem has been poor. When I comlimented her she would say...I'm not beautiful I'm fat and ugly". I felt so bad. She said she wasn't happy and didn't want to be like this anymore. She did tell me during phone conversation she was lonely and bitter. She said "Why didn't you reschedule counseling appointment in June like I asked you". Like she was reaching out to me. She did not HAVE to open up emotionally to me and I wasn't expecting it. At first she was crying. Then I got her laughing and we had a great talk. She said at the end that she felt better after talking to me. I felt great!

So, I have to say there is some fog, because my wife is not the type to send emails like those. She used words she hates, but I saw what was going on. She wanted someone to love her and meet her needs. She almost seemed like she was a teenager again.

I understand. I don't have a problem talking to both. I'd like to hear what you both did and felt. What things you wish you hadn't done a did do to bring you back together. Having been there you could be a great deal of help for me as I know no one personally to go through what I am now. My email is yankeebluebbq@hotmail.com if you would like to leave your number and what time is best to call. Thanks

Just when I thought I was making some ground, I checked out a dating site and there is my wife again!!! Is this a sure sign she will not try reconciliation? I am trying so hard, but she wants to go out right away and find someone. Do I go into plan B now or do I still do A?

The following is a copy of how she describes herself and what she is looking for:

What they say about themselves:
I am an outgoing, fun-loving girl. I'm looking for friendship first-maybe more, depending on the person. I need someone to stimulate me mentally as well as physically. I am very busy with work, etc.

What they say about their dream mate:
He must keep me guessing and always interested. I need someone who can be my friend first, before anything else. A good sense of humor and honesty are also important.

I never had a problem stimulating her anyway!lol
I admit I messed up on honesty, but it appears I now have no chance.

Hey Al-

Sorry we didn't get back to you last night. Pretty busy getting Tinker Bell and Spiderman ready for Halloween <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

First of all, take about 20 deep breathes and CALM YOURSELF DOWN!!!!! You still sound frantic and desperate. Not a very attractive combination <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> At this rate you will burn yourself out in about 3 months. Then nothing good can happen!

Your situation is different from ours. If she is dating etc, you probably need to pay more attention to plan A and plan B. How did you find out about the dating sites? Did she use her real name? This is farther than I ever thought about going. O.K., in all honesty I thought about it, but just to make my H jealous. I would NEVER have gone out with someone. He was and is the only one I want.

She may just be "testing the waters". Trying to see what is out there. This is going to be very difficult for you. You are in competition with other people. You have got to make yourself the most attractive and kindest choice. My H was only competing with himself. He had to make himself more attractive than he was. Does that make any sense?

Did you tell your W about this web site? I only ask because although you are obviously trying very hard and love your W very much, if she is reading this she will think you sound desperate still. You need to CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!

When I really started noticing the changes in my H it was because he stopped following me around and started concentrating on himself. I wanted to know that he felt he could make it without me, but didn't want to be without me. Then I felt truely CHOSEN, not just a lifeline to hold on to for dear life. Are you catching my drift?

Will try to check back later!

Keep Smiling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, I understand. She has gone out with one guy already about 3 weeks ago. She called me and said she was lonely. I guess I don't understand why she is looking when we have a foundation and a family to build from. This lasy year and a half has been difficult, but she has noticed the differences in me.