I just told my W about my A on the cancun trip (see Should I Tell Her? thread) We spent a long time talking about it, and we have been to one session with a MC and she has made it clear that she loves me, and wants to rebuild our marriage. I am trying to be as honest as possible about everything, and the truth is that i am still confused about a lot of things, like why did i do it, because it seems like my W and I were pretty happy when i left. i have had these desires before, but never acted on them. was it just that i had the opportunity this time? honestly, right now i don't see what will stop it from happening again. also, i guess i am still very deeply in the fog, because i can't seem to get OW out of my mind, i don't have her #, but i know where she works, and over the last two days i have been fantasizing about calling her, i have found out where her workplace is, and how i could get there from where i am (in an adjacent city, 1 hr away). i'm having a hard time not comparing my W to this OW every time i look at her. I do love my W, but i guess part of me wonders whether i love her as much as she loves me, b/c i seem to look for something better. maybe she deserves someone more like her, or how can i trust myself to be more like her? would the pain of a breakup be easier than the potential pain i might inflict in a marriage? we are both young (M24, W25), and have been married 2 years, no kids. what if i have these urges with kids. i thought i would not act on them now, but i did. what will stop me then, when a gorgeous 22 yr old wants me? I am very confused, and my confusion is making my W close up from me.

Ok I am not trying to be harsh, but get a grip. Just because you screwed up once doesn't mean you will do it again. Think about it. People learn from their mistakes all the time. All you have to do is decide (really decide) what you will do the next time you are in that situation. I personally believe you should do like Joseph in the Bible and RUN LIKE HE!!. Don't put yourself in that situation again. If you don't trust yourself, don't put yourself where you can't be trusted. Lots of Hugs young friend,

Advice from those who had the A?

Questions: Who would your thoughts be on if your wife had told you she loved you but was going to be unable to tolerate infidelity in her marriage and walked out or kicked you out?

Would you be thinking about her or loading up to go see the OW?

My H and I discussed OPs last night. And we BOTH reached this conclusion - When we look at OP, we only have to look at the good. As we are not planning a long term relationship, we don't have to consider things like - how they waste money, how many traffic tickets they have, their reputation, their odd habits, their extended family, you get the idea. We only have to look at what we WANT to see. If we're needing an ego trip, we only have to look at whether or not they can feed our ego. If we're needing gifts, we only have to look at "will the OP buy me gifts, etc." When choosing a spouse we look at the ENTIRE package. And we may choose to pass by a perfect 10, settle for an 8, in order to get someone who'll be good mother/father material, someone who holds a steady job, someone with an even temper etc.

Reflect on what I've said. Is your wife the whole package you searched for in a spouse? My guess is that she is. Otherwise you'd never had married her. Don't mean to be ugly, but maybe it's time for you to grow up. You are not in high school anymore, and if you decide to follow the path your lusts are wanting to take you, you will end up an old man on the porch rocking all alone. ----- Now put your wife in the rocking chair next to you on that same porch. Wouldn't that be so much sweeter?

<small>[ October 31, 2002, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>