I'm about to marry a very wonderful man and he is a member of this site. This man looks after me very well and is better than any I have had before. I recently got a divorce and looking forward to make a decent life for myself and my three children. Now my stbh is very patient and has a big heart. He is such a sweetheart to me. he comes over every monday morning and gives me a red rose and a coffee. The rest of the week we meet for coffee before we head out to our jobs. We go out to dinner at least twice a month and is wonderful to my kids. I couldn't be happier but there is an issue that tarnishes all this, my Ex husband. For some reason that I can't understand my man distrusts or hates him.
I don't bar the ex from seeing the kids and my stbh has no problem with that but he does when he feels that my ex is over too often. My stbh bought me a minivan for my use and i've been letting my ex use it once in awhile and my man gets upset about it. My ex does come over frequentily to see the kids, babysits for me and puts them on the bus and yeah he is there quite often maybe 4 to 5 times aweek.
What is really put a daper on our relationship this summer is a trailer of a freind I've was using. Now I spent alot of time up there and my ex was also there alot. I told my man that I would be there occasionally but I didn't tell him that my ex would be there during the day when I was at work. As it turned out that I spent every weekend there without my man but my ex was there too He found out was very mad at me why? It fustrated him to no end to the point that he came to me and told me that I can only have one man in my life not both so either my ex or he has to go. Why? All I want to do is remain freinds with my ex for the kids sake but he feels Quote: I'm playing both ends against the middle and that I can't have my cake and eat it too. I don't sleep with my ex and he does not stay over night but some how he seems to not trust me it this area eventhough he says he does. He says its my life and he not there to run it, he there to be my husband and try to provide a decent life and marriage for all of us. Yet even though he says nothing I know its there. What I'm I doing wrong? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: soon to be wife ]</small>

Hi STBW,

Welcome to MB. From your story, I have to agree quite a bit with your BF. Its is one thing to keep relationship going good with your XH for the sake of the children, but what line is being crossed by your actions?

Ask your BF what it is that is happening that is making him feel uncomfortable. Also if the tables were turned, how would you feel if his XW did the same to him?

Just one point, allowing your XH to use your vehicle especially since it was purchased by someone else would be offensive. Can't really control it, since he did give it to you but it certainly would not make the relationship eaiser. It opens the door to wondering what else of your life you are willing to turn over to your XH.

I am not sure what type of person your XH is yet you are acting as if he was a great guy. So it would make anyone wonder why........ did you even D him? Ya know?!?!?! I am sure you have justified the D to your BF. Ok now your actions need to match it.

A line of safety is crossed that is making him uncomfortable. If he feels that way now what about later after you are M? I think it would be wise to really step back a look at all issues.

Have you read the concepts section above regarding the policy of joint agreement?

JMHO,
L.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi STBW. This is something you too need to get worked out before you get married.

My take? You STBH is being "territorial" and jealous. There's a little "caveman" in all of us, I'm afraid. You have kids w/ your XH so, you STBH needs to find a way to make peace with the fact that XH will be a part of your life forever.

I would really suggest MC for the two of you prior to getting married.

I answered on your other thread but will also answer on this one. Much of what I said before would also fit here.

I've got to agree with the other replies, there are many things here which you and your STBH need to reach agreement on. And while he may be over reacting some, you're crossing some mighty fine lines, too.

You and your exH do need to co-parent, but that does NOT mean that he should be at your home four or five days a week. It does NOT mean that you put yourself in a position where you feel that you must lie to your STBH to keep the peace...whenever you've done this...you've done something that wasn't quite right. I'm not in any way saying that you've done any type of betrayal, I am saying that you've crossed some of the boundaries that most STB married people have.

There is something basically wrong with the relationship you now have with your exH, STBH, and yourself...if it causes you to lie. Whatever it is, rather it is the relationship with exH, or relationship with STBH...it needs to be addressed and discussed and a solution found before you continue on. jmho

STBW,

Let me offer you some thought experiments and you tell us how you would feel.

Let's assume that you have never been married, but your BF has. His exW comes over to see him whenever you are gone. When he travels, she joins him and spends the night. You have some very nice jewelry, and when she comes over he lets her borrow it.

Would any of that set your teeth on edge? It sure would mine.

What is the difference in this scenario than the one you just described. Only one thing, the children, but the children are no excuse for not protecting your relationship with your BF.

Let me ask you a few other questions. Once you and BF marry will ex be over for dinner? Will he help himself to the food in your house. Will he continue to take one of the cars when he needs it? Is you BF married to this man?

Your BF has no reason to expect that he will share you with ex and yet he is sharing his money via the van, his girl friend via your time, and probably your affections. What you are not paying attention but your BF is, is that you loved ex. He is NOT just some other man drifting through you life, he is a man you loved and had children with. Would you expect your BF to be happy if you spent this amount of time with a male friend from work. Someone you have never loved?

STBW, you are not view this thing very rationally. The advice from previous posters is dead on in my mind. You and BF need to establish some boundaries and do it now, or really you shouldn't marry him. You are not ready to be married. You don't know where your loyality lies.

God Bless,

JL