Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
Elad & Resilient -- I think Elad should take Resilient and I to NYC and help us get makeovers, new underwear, etc. All y'all crack me up. BTW Elad -- these skills will certainly make you attractive. Hopefully to your WW. You know I think she really has been abducted by aliens to give up a guy who is willing to go shopping and thinks it's fun.

Anne -- Thank you for posting to me. It does help to hear from others that have gone down this road before me. I hope I can say that the outcome will be some form of recovery (either the restoration and enhancement of my M or my acceptance and ability to thrive in my next R).

WAT -- As usual, good advice. Thank you.

I tell you what, assuming I get that makeover at Sephora, I'll try and get a digital pic taken while we're there and put it on the MB photo thread. Thank you all for posting to me. It helps me so much.

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
WAT, Resilient, Elad and Anne (and others) -- One last thing I'm not really clear on and would like some advice.

If he calls and says he wants to talk, I think I'm clear that I tell him what resilient and WAT have suggested regarding my plan B. However, if he says in response to that, I want to talk because I want a D, do I say ok? I am assuming in that circumstance the best thing to say if he responds that way is that I do not want a D, but understand I cannot make decisions for another person. Further, that I would be willing to talk, but that I set the date and time? Is this correct?

I want to be prepared, but I don't want to over-think this conversation. So, maybe the best course of action if he does go the route I've described above is to thank him for being honest and that I'll have to think about what he has said and get back to him (and then come post here and seek advice at that time).

I promise I will stop focusing on this after tonight. Tonight I plan to put loud motown music on, drink some good wine and pack all my new me clothes up for my trip.

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unsureheart:
<strong>WAT, Resilient, Elad and Anne (and others) -- One last thing I'm not really clear on and would like some advice.

If he calls and says he wants to talk, I think I'm clear that I tell him what resilient and WAT have suggested regarding my plan B. However, if he says in response to that, I want to talk because I want a D, do I say ok? I am assuming in that circumstance the best thing to say if he responds that way is that I do not want a D, but understand I cannot make decisions for another person. Further, that I would be willing to talk, but that I set the date and time? Is this correct?

I want to be prepared, but I don't want to over-think this conversation. So, maybe the best course of action if he does go the route I've described above is to thank him for being honest and that I'll have to think about what he has said and get back to him (and then come post here and seek advice at that time).

I promise I will stop focusing on this after tonight. Tonight I plan to put loud motown music on, drink some good wine and pack all my new me clothes up for my trip.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let him know D isn't what you want and that you love him ... then in a Plan A way, remind him of your Plan B letter. Then courteously say good-bye and hang-up.

Unsure, you don't have to have contact with your H to help him decide on a D. You don't necessarily have to have contact with him even if a D is filed. Plan B is not a pressure tactic to get him to DO anything. Plan B is for YOU, so you can detach, and start moving on with your life. It's to keep the love you have left in a safe place before you lose it all for him from the on-going A. Plan B is just for YOU and YOU alone

Right WAT and Elad?

If your H contacts you to tell you he wants a D, then he must do ALL the dirty work. It's HIS deal. You should do your best to respond without LBs, and try to cut it as short as possible.

Go to Vegas, put this out of your mind. And have a good time. Be extra good to yourself. You have been through ALOT and deserve some happiness.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
You there, Unsure?

Jo

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
Hi Resilient -- Thanks. Yes, I'm here, but I had to actually do some work for a change today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unsureheart:
<strong>Hi Resilient -- Thanks. Yes, I'm here, but I had to actually do some work for a change today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, good. Same here, need to get some work done. You have a safe but fun trip to Lost Wages, and post when you return. Do your level best not to worry about stuff.

We'll be here when you return and will save your spot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lv,
Jo

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
Thanks Resilient -- I really appreciate your posting to me and your thoughts. I plan to have a great weekend and will check in when I get back.

Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 877
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 877
Hi unsure

You have received good advice from Jo & Dave...

As I have told my WW many times I will not file for a D I don't want...and, I think this is important, for both USH and Elad:

Don't do anything that will hasten a divorce you do not want....

Jo is right...like she usually is...put this out of your mind and go have a great time in Las Vegas...this will all be here when you get back...

E

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
I had a wonderful weekend in Las Vegas with friends and my sister. Many good meals and many good laughs.

I returned to a few surprises. My WH has changed the online access to our investment accounts. I had tried to log in to handle a retirement plan rollover and was locked out of the account. Then, I got a change in marital status form from his health insurance carrier to be filled out and signed by WH. I was more than a little freaked out. Then I heard that WH was not on the leave of absence from work that he is supposedly on due to his A with an employee. WH has also not responded either directly or through intermediary about some financial matters that need attention this month.

I am trying hard not to think about all of this, but am more than a bit frustrated that WH is able to effect me through these other actions or non-actions.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Unsureheart contact an attorney as soon as possible and find out what you can do to regain your rights to those investment accounts. A letter from your attorney could be just the trick to make your H stop this foolishness.

Good luck and God bless.

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
Thanks TMCM -- I met with an attorney this morning. WH responded through our third party that he had not meant to shut me out of the account, but had not been able to remember the access information and had called and had it changed. I don't know what to believe, but I did find out that he can't touch my accounts and can only touch our joint account. I'm a little calmer now.

WH also indicated that he would be dropping by the papers/bills I requested next week while I am at work and would come take care of some the yard work then too.

I can't help but sit here and think that he is proceeding with a D without telling me. I know I cannot control that and can only control how I act or react and am doing my best to not focus on this.

I still feel incredibly sad. Actually, I have very mixed emotions about everything. Part of me sees that WH has become somebody I don't know if I could really love anymore. Part of me still holds out hope and the belief that we could have a better R and M if we tried.

I do wonder how long I can sit in this limbo state. Not that I'm sitting around. I have more focus at work the past two weeks and am scheduling activities with friends.

I do miss him (or at least the parts of my WH that are loving and kind and I know are still lodged somewhere in that soul).

I recognize that Harley says you should go to plan B before all your love is gone and I do think it was the best decision for me at the time, but it doesn't really lessen the fact that I miss many things about WH and still love him very much.

The start of the weekend is always hard. Most of my friends are married with young children and are not available to go to movies, etc. I still have some hang-ups about dining alone and going to the movies alone. I think I need to find some volunteer activity for the weekend so that I feel like I'm contributing to something.

I felt good this morning so I don't know why I'm feeling a bit melancholy right now.

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 817
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 817
Hi USH, ditto what TMCM said. He's obviously in midst of full blow A fog.

I'm glad you enjoyed your Vegas w/e. Where did you stay?

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
Hey Seahorse -- I've been wondering how you are doing? As for Vegas. We stayed at Caesars Palace and spent most of our time at Caesars, Bellagio and the Venetian. We went to a Cirque du Soleil show that was absolutely incredible (and makes me feel very out of shape, but I don't think my body could bend like that even when I was 7 years old and thin as a bean pole). Many good dinners at Aqua, Valentino's, and Tsunami (I love sushi and the cucumber martinis there). I actually won $200 which was fun, but we only played black jack one night and didn't again (because none of us is loaded with cash and gambling isn't my big thing). We also went to a spa and had massages, facials, and body scrubs. That was really decadent and fun.

How are you? I should go check out your other thread. I've been wondering about your dog. What kind of dog is she? I have a cat and have been thinking about getting a dog. I grew up with golden retrievers and labs and they are so affectionate and loyal.

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: unsureheart ]</small>

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 840
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 840
hey USH
dont have a lot to contribute to your thread I'm afraid... just wanted to say, I'm thinking of you and I'm so sorry for the situ you're in at the moment. Maybe it's time for the ol' plan B, just to make sure your last bit of love doesnt evaporate..?
take care of youself
N

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 817
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 817
Hi USH, I remember Ceaser's palace, it was very nice (and very big from what I remember).

I did not gamble once in Vegas, so when I got to the airport I decided that I would at least put a dollar in one of the poker machines. I kept putting it in and the darn thing kept spitting it out. i tried 5 times and it wouldn't let me, so I guess I just wasn't meant to gamble in Vegas. Maybe next time...

When the financial stuff is finalised I'm going to set a little aside and plan a trip through some of South America. It will be end of next year as that will give me time to learn some more Spanish. If I do make it, I will reserve a spot for us by the the beach in Mexico and order a couple of Fluffy Ducks, OK?

I know the Dv stuff is scary. Even if we were all there with you, you would still have to go through this alone, do you know what I mean? God is there, but sometimes its just plain scarey.

My dog is a boxer. He's white. Boxers are good fun, they are the eternal puppy! This morning I was trying to do my yoga and he kept pushing his nose into me and pushing me over. All in good fun!

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 187
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 187
just wanted to give my 2 cents on Plan B.

Plan B means no contact. If H wants to contact you about anything (his day, work, accounts, a divorce, whatever) you should not be in contact with him. I like the response the others have given you about reiterating that he reread the Plan B letter.

In your Plan B letter, you specified what exactly your H must do, what actual actions he must take, in order for you to resume contact, and work on M, recovery, etc. Addtionally, you don't want to take H back too soon (without him meeting the requirements of the Plan B letter) and having the A start yet again.

So unless H actually does what you specifically laid out in the letter, there should be no contact.

Otherwise, it is not really Plan B and H will believe that the boundaries you set and all words but aren't really there.

Plus, you will continue to focus on H which will eat away at your remaining love (which will hinder you both if he does come around) and will delay you healing and getting used to life without him if that does happen.

I am not in Plan B and am just giving my 2 cents from reading other's posts here about Plan B over the past few months (in case I ever have to do it.)

I'm glad you had a good time in Vegas. I gotta go one of these days myself.

I thought your point on you (and others outside the situation) understanding the craziness of WS and ALSO BS! was interesting. Most people I know think I should move on already and get a divorce. A big part of me is telling me that maybe I'm sticking this out (the Plan A/B thing) is just to help me fall out of love so that the divorce is easier. How sad is that!?

Well, hang in there unsureheart. If anyone can do it, you can. You've come so far and have been very strong.

take care.

Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 877
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 877
Hi unsure...

I am glad to hear you had a good time in LV and I am sorry you had to return to your current cirumstances...

USH said: I still feel incredibly sad. Actually, I have very mixed emotions about everything. Part of me sees that WH has become somebody I don't know if I could really love anymore. Part of me still holds out hope and the belief that we could have a better R and M if we tried.

I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same alot about my WW. I don't have any good answersor advice...

The way I handle it is to just try to be patient and try to let her work out some things in her own mind. The difference at the moment is my WW does have the added distraction of an OP.

The only thing I can recommend is to continue doing what you are doing. I know it is sad and hurtful to think about your WH and what he is putting you thru so focus on all the good stuff you have done for yourself and continue to do that.

You are stronger than you think....

Take care

E

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: Elad ]</small>

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
Nick123 -- Thank you for checking in with me. I am in plan B and I guess I should have clarified that the contact about the finances was through our third party intermediary. I had one lapse early on (about three weeks into plan B) when his sister called me and I left a voice mail message, but didn't speak to him. I did, unfortunately, have another lapse last night that I'll cover at the end of this post, but again, I didn't actually speak to him or see him.

I have not seen or spoken to WH since the day I hand delivered by plan B letter. It is very hard and I do miss him. I will say, however, that it has helped my mental state to be removed from him for the last six weeks. Each day gets a bit less challenging and I think I will be ok if we head for a divorce. Not what I want, but every day seems more likely.

I know that you are struggling with putting your foot down hard again and I wish I had some sage words of wisdom for you. Each situation is so personal and we all have images in our heads about the WS and what we would do but it's not the same as experiencing it first hand/day-to-day.

aanast -- I read your post on planA/plan B yesterday and I will go over there shortly to post to your specific situation. I know you know what I am going through and it helps to have you here. Thank you.

Seahorse - You know you are my hero even in light of the latest babble from your WH. He's now put his head so far up his rump that I'm not sure it can be extracted without professional assistance which he seems unwilling to do.

I love boxers (the dog that is, well also have that as a men's underwear preference). My very best friend that grew up next door to me had a boxer when we were growing up and she has one now.

As for South America, I think that is a great goal for a trip. If you really are serious about this I can put you in touch with one of my favorite people on the planet that is in Patagonia now for the next six weeks and travels to South America quite a bit. He also used to work in Australia. My WH also used to climb in South America and has climbing friends that can provide some travel tips.

For me personally, sometimes when I am feeling down it helps me to focus on trip that is an adventure and far enough into the future that I can dream a bit about what I will do, etc (and how I will possibly pay for it). The three trips that are dreams right now are sea kayaking in New Zealand, sea kayaking in Alaska/any trip to Alaska, and going back to Africa. Can't afford any of these at the moment, but am saving my pennies. At a minimum I will go to New York City soon to see my sister and family and try and go to a show and see friends.

Elad -- Thank you for the vote of confidence. Some days I do feel strong and others a complete basket case.

Last night was a good example. I was feeling fine and having one of those evening where I thought the future was bright and I would be fine no matter what the outcome of my marriage. Then, at about 9:30 p.m. I went into the laundry room to take clothing out of the dryer and floor was squishy beneath my feet. I couldnt' figure out where the water was coming from but it had completely saturated the laundry room floor and sub-flooring and was seeping into the kitchen floor. I finally figured out that my hot water heater was leaking badly.

I got the intake valve for the water shut off but could not for the life of me get the gas/pilot off. I also was struggling to drain the heater with a hose and some buckets. I started to cry because I felt very alone and it hit me hard that WH was probably somewhere having fun with OW. I called WH to tell him that the water heater had broken down and that I needed some help (by this point it was 10 p.m.). No answer. I then called my neighbor who graciously came over and used a crescent wrench to get the gas off.

I could have called an emergency plumber, but it seemed so expensive and I knew it could wait until morning if I could get the water and gas off and soak up as much water as I could. Finally, at about 11:00 p.m. things seemed under control. I called WH again to tell him not to worry (not that he was) and that I'd get a plumber out in the a.m. to repair or replace the heater.

Unfortunately, the leak and water pressure had caused the heater to split and it had to be replaced to the tune of $900. No surprise. WH has not called back. I guess I should be thankful for that.

On a positive note, I did get up at 3:30 a.m. here in order to watch the Leonid meteor shower. It was really fun to lie down on a blanket in the back yard and watch the tiny streaks in the sky. I've never seen a meteor before and it isn't something I would normally do, but I thought, I need some magic and inspiration in my life and some inkling of beauty in the universe after tonight.

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 817
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 817
Hi USH, there's always something else that will go wrong in the middle of the mess, I think its God's way of making us prove to ourselves we can cope. I don't know.

I missed H too in Plan B, I hated it. Just be there for yourself, you seem to keep pretty busy so you'll be OK.

I love Boxers, I think I will probably always have a boxer, or a Sheepdog...

I am serious about Sth America, but it won't be until end of next year. It will be something to keep me going for the next bit of the journey, plus I have to start back on my Spanish again.

How are you last few days?

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 840
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 840
I believe that your WH may feel the same about missing you. Surely, his life isnt all roses now, and he remembers your good sides too.... his volunteering to do yard work could be seen in this light.

Are you sure he understood your plan B message? or could he have read it as "it's over - I officially kick you out now"? maybe, over the next weeks when you see him (paper stuff, yardwork) you should tell him the way to the door back in. SOmething along the lines of "you know, it's not too late" or "we could all have it back - only if we tried" or something. no pleading, but simply showing that there's a way back.

N

Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 97 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5