The IC my wife is seeing is telling her that it's too late for me now, that why would I want to work on the M. At least that's what my W is telling me.

Anyway, the question to you all is what were your experiences with ICs? I understand that an individual therapist views the patient as the customer so they strive to help them find happiness. So, if the S says I'm unhappy in this M, they may encourage them to get out of it. Conversely, a family therapist or MC views the M as the customer and they try to work on the M.

Was your M affected by your IC and if so, how?

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

^

I think that in MOST cases this is correct. If they are going to IC and tell the "one sided" story they do tend to tell them to find happiness and you need to get on with your life. Sad, but true. My w went to a IC and she said similar things....counselor thinks that leaving you is best thing........of course she was LOOKING for validation that D was the right answer.

A MC on the other hand is PRO-marriage in most cases. Their job is to make the marriage work. Unfortuneatley you can't choose a counselor for your wife. It sucks when someone else is re-enforcing your spouses feeling on divorce. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

In my very humbled opinion, I think IC if the sessions are dealing with marriage issues, should include the spouse in at least some sessions, so that the counselor can hear both sides. But, they may not, especially if the spouse in IC isn't open to this happening.

I remember in my own, that my IC seemed to side with me about what a "rat" my H and OW had been, but then...all she heard was my side and my POV of what had happened...which is never the complete story. Of course, I didn't go to IC very long before I switched over to my H's IC as we agreed to use her as a MC so that H wouldn't have to go over all the details with a new one...and I liked his IC better then my own. LOL

The impact of my IC was of benefit in that she validated a lot of my feelings, but I don't think she would have made a good MC for H and I. jmho

I also believe that MC should have individual sessions throughout the counseling. I found that being able to have IC for both spouses before joint counseling is a good way of clearing up the background that the counselor needs, then he/she is able to "blend" the issues from both spouses and get down to the real work that is needed. Later, it allows the counselor to work one on one with troublesome issues as they arrise.

Have to add...A good counselor is worth their weight in gold...a "bad" counselor is worse then no counselor. (bad...being someone you can't connect to, or that is too judgemental, or too set in their own POV)

well said!

Q: If my wife (BS) goes to IC is there anyway to have her see a pro-marriage counselor........kinda sucks when you want to work on M and WAW goes to a counselor that only hears one side and they recommend her leaving or validate what she already feels.

AA,

I have the same question myself. My IC validates what I feel but I know he's only heard her side of things. Ironically, he used to be her IC. He no longer is because she's in TX. I am hoping when she comes back she would see him. She is very interested in seeing him with me for coparenting but not for the R.

^

hmmm...well if you can get your W to agree to a MC...you can't force it. You could ask if she's open to your going to see her counselor in at least one session...which she or the counselor may or may not agree to.

If your W is unwilling to go to MC, there isn't much you can do about it. You can ask, but it's up to her. Forcing a counseling session is a complete waste of time. jmho The one forced will not be open to listening or to sharing.

I would be concerned about any counselor who says that the marriage should end (barring abuse in the marriage). The counselor should be pointing out options, but should NOT be leading the way, but following and making sure that the one in therphy is looking at ALL options in a realitic light. Yes, they should validate feelings, as there is no "right or wrong" feelings, they just are how we feel. But, the counselor "should" be guiding them to an understanding of why they feel as they do, and explaining how to control their emotions to their benefit. Counseling should be a path to self-discovery with a guide following behind making sure that you don't stumble, Not one who is making the decisions for you, or is only agreeing with everything you say. jmho

When you get ANY counselor, one of the FIRST things you should discuss (after fees <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) is WHAT you are trying to accomplish. If they do NOT agree with you or tell you, "we'll find out as we go along", leave!

Problem is most counselors tell you what you WANT to hear;
patient:I don't love my spouse.
counselor: That's okay.If you WANT to do that, go ahead.

After all, you are the patient and if you don't like what they are saying, you may leave.

Michele Weiner-Davis (Divorce Busting) has a good article on choosing a therapist. Choosing A Therapist