My WH's Christmas party will be coming up soon. I expect close to 50 or so people to be in attendance. I have no idea if OW will be there or not. What do I do if she is? Do you think she would DARE be there if she knew I was going? Do you think I should ask my WH to ask her not to come? That would mean I am asking him to talk to her on a personal level and I told him that was a BIG NO-NO. She works at a different branch so he doesn't see her that often. I also wonder what it would do to him to see her. It's 2 weeks away so maybe much healing can be done in that amount of time?????

Hi dazedblonde,

I was faced with a similar situation last February and I understand your anxiety over this.

Personally, I wouldn't have your H ask the OW not to attend. It just gives them the opportunity to talk.

I made myself sick worrying about how to handle a dinner party with the former OW and the wonderful people here convinced me to go. it was hard but I made it through and the OW was the one who looked like a fool.

You can read my story here and the aftermath here. The OW quit her job less than 6 weeks later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Does your H work with this OW? And is the A ongoing? If saving your marriage is what you want, don't let anyone or anything keep you from being in your rightful place at that party with your H.

Thanks so much Tinydancer for your story. What encouragment that gave me. And I love the idea of Ground Rules. I will definitely implement them if I have to (assuming she comes). The PA just happened once, or so I've been told. Dday was just last week and I have much to learn yet about the whole A. I think he emailed her to tell her I know and that they cannot have any contact. So I don't know if he's talked to her at all since. In a way, I almost want her to go so I can see for myself how we would all react and how they would do together -- sparks, regret, missing each other, etc. Is that masochistic or what? Or is it sadist? I don't know which one is which!

Dazed,
I've attended 2 Xmas parties a year for 2 years where the FOW was there, and will again this year. And throughout the year, the occasional banquet, retirement or promotion party.

So, in my opinion, the OW likely won't not go because you are going.

I wouldn't ask your H to talk to her, that's contact and could easily lead to a "catch up" kind of conversation.

Accept that it may be awkward and uncomfortable for your H and you.

My advice to you: go. Look great, head up, smile, be friendly, avoid the OW. I pretend she is invisible and look past her as if she wasn't there. Of course I only wish she was invisible! But I also stand my ground if she comes near me, although I'm getting good at casually turning my back on her.

And, sometimes she has seemed to do things directly in my line of vision...like cuddle & kiss a baby, or hug male co-workers. Oddly enough she doesn't seem to be a big of hugger of women.

The first year after our reconciliation, my H didn't quite seem to know what to do with himself, he didn't go near her, but he didn't really hang around me either. Last year was great, he put his arm around me, talked to me, introduced me to people. I'd been away from the Xmas parties & his work socials for almost 3 years. These parties are more like 200-300 people.

Although at the family party I did find myself doing the Hokey Pokey in near proximity to the FOW, but my H was at my side. And I didn't Hokey Pokey the OW in the nose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Or bump into her so her long hair would have sucked her into the fan vent of the Kids Jumping Castle...though the temptation of that vision sometimes seems quite fitting.

Don't let the possibility of the OW's attendance change where you go and what you do with your H. She doesn't deserve to have that kind of power in your life.

Remember you are the wife, you are your H's best choice.

bump

DB:

Go, go, go!!! In 2 weeks my FWH and I are going to his Xmas party. I am hoping that FOW is there!!!!! Why? Not to confront her, in fact I will be doing the 'she's invisible, look right through' routine. WE are going together to show a united front, to show that WE are together and healing. Plus I have a classy knock'em dead dress and I don't look like I had a baby 3 months ago. Okay it's a bit of revenge talking here, but like those wiser than me have said, living well is the best revenge. I intend to glide into that hall with all the bearing of the queen I am. And that I am rightfully beside my husband. And I shall dance and smile the night away.

I also have a few 'pick me up' songs ready to listen to on the drive there.

Keep us posted...am going to check out the link to Tiny Dancer's story.

AG

I wish I could go. His company always throws a big fancy party of some kind. One year he sat between me and his short-skirted best-friend co-manager. Boy, that was nice. For him.

If I thought he wished now he hadn't done the things he did, I would love to go. But I can't stand to look at these women. At least some of them will be there. I can't stand to see his other friends and co-workers who saw it all happen. They could only assume that I must be the queen of all b*tches since my poor H had to constantly go looking for nice female companionship elsewhere.

I can't even stand the thought of it.

My H's company doesn't even ALLOW spouses to attend their Christmas party due to saving money so they say!!! Too bad too because that was when H's EA became physical with OW-the Xmas party just happened to be on HER birthday and H ended up going home with her! I always wonder if things could have been different if I had gone with him like I had intended to.

Thanks for all your advice! I went online shopping yesterday and bought a new skirt and an outfit for WH that will match mine! I am going to remember to come and reread these posts on the day of the party to give me STRENGTH! Thanks one and all!!!!