here is the story, I was using a trailer this summer of a freind of mine.My ex was there with the kids during the week when I was at work and I was there during the weekend.sometimes my ex wuld hang around to talk but he never stayed and I wouldn't tell my stbh that he was there or where I was some weekends. Now my freind and her husband have been split up for awhile and she has to sell the trailer. My ex is buying it for the kids in the summer and will take them there every other week in the summer. I plan to go there on weekends and my time off in the summer. I informed my stbh about this and now he is mad. I told him I would also be taking my mother there too. he doesn't like it and says its wrong. he feels that I'm cake eating here. He also feels that I should not be hanging around with my ex and that we are around each other too much. I told him there is notheing between me and my ex and I want to remain freinds with him for the kids sake and the I belong to him(stbH)but he is still undcomfortable with it and woun't let it go. I told him he better either get use to it or go. I'm I wrong here or is he just being a jerk.sometimes I have to get my ex to babysit while me and my stbh go out, I don't tell my ex this but I can't afford a babysitter and I want to spend time with my man. but he thinks its also wrong for us to go out while my ex sits there with the kids. you tell me whats wrong here

<small>[ November 20, 2002, 04:24 AM: Message edited by: soon to be wife ]</small>

OK here goes, I am gonna toss my two cents worth in on this subject:

I can certainly understand your STBH's feelings all too well. My W and I get along with her ex-husband (I am more friendly towards him than she is) however I do get tense when he tries to "kid around" with her a "little too much", but the wife and I have sat down and talked about that at length. While it is obvious that the ex is entitled to be a part of the kids lives and it is beneficial for ALL of the adults to get along for the benefit of the kids, clear and open lines of communication between you and the STBH are a MUST as well as clearly defined BOUNDARIES agreed upon by you and your STBH.

Another suggestion/question I have is; do the ex and your STBH get along at all? Perhaps the 2 of them going out together for a beer or a cup of coffee may help to alleviate some of the tension. It won't eliminate it, but it may certainly help to lower it.

In our situation, my wife's ex and I have a very good albeit awkward relationship and I give him credit because he has done many things to put me at ease in many regards because for a long time I felt like I was walking on eggshells for obvious reasons, there are times I still do but I guess that is par for the course.

Early on I made it a point to get along with the ex for the simple fact that there are children involved and I try to consider the feelings of the ex if I were in his shoes where the children are concerned as they are his kids as well and if I were in his shoes I would like to think that I can take great comfort knowing that someone is able to do the best that they can do looking out for the kids in my absence, so from my end I do the best I can tending to the children not only because they are now my step-children but also because I have taken on a great responsibility of having a hand in raising someone elses children and that is something I do not take very lightly.

Bottom line, IMHO I think it would be a good idea if possible if the STBH and the ex are able to establish a rapport and also if the ex has a STBW, go out to lunch with her sometime. Everybody has NOTHING to LOSE but a LOT to GAIN (especially the kids) by doing this!!!!

I hope this is of some help!

God Bless!!!!

<small>[ November 22, 2002, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: NealG722 ]</small>

You posted...I told him he better either get use to it or go.

If this is your honest feelings about this...then I think you need to really think rather getting married is a good idea. There is no give and take in your statement. It's "my way or the highway"...and that does NOT make a good beginning in any relationship. JMHO

Most of us do feel threatened on some level when dealing with our love-interest's past relationships. Yes, you MUST have a co-parenting relationship with your exH, but...you're going a little overboard when planning on sleeping at his home (even on weekends when he isn't there and not at his primary residence) before or after your planned marriage.

Also, you admit to already NOT telling your STBH about things that involve your exH. Doesn't sound promising to me.

. I told him he better either get use to it or go.

I believe you just told your STBH that you spending time in your ex's home is more important than his feelings. As has been said above, this is not what marriage is all about. Please read up on the concept of POJA, it has really helped my W and I to be happier in our relationship.

You can find Dr Harleys basic concepts here:
Basic Concepts
POJA can be accessed in the menu on the left side of the page, but I recommend you read up on all of them for additional help.

I suggest you use POJA to come to an agreement you are both happy with. It will make all the difference.

SS

STBW,
How can your ex be babysitting? Isn't he parenting? There is nothing wrong with your ex having time with the kids, but don't you have regular visitation set up? Doesn't he have a place to take them?

If you share custody, it seems like you should have your time with your children and the Ex should have his time.

Spending the night at your ex's trailer if he is there seems like playing with fire. You are crossing a boundary of intimacy that is no longer appropriate. One of you shouldn't be spending the night. This isn't something your next H has to "get used to", especially if he is uncomfortable with it. Your attitude seems very disrespectful and uncompromising to your new guy.

soon to be wife,

You have great advice already. This is my 2x4. IMVHO, you just LB'ed your new man big time ... you had failed in protecting his feeling. Let him helps you to find solution to your dilemma ... he might be willing to pay baby sitter to be with you alone or he might be open to have activity w/ your kids (great way to check him as a good H). You have a long way to learn how to care & protect a relationship, specially w/ no honesty (not telling stbh about this in the beginning). Trust is earned not given. As BS, I have low tolerance on this kind of thing and I would already pack my bag and delay the wedding.
-rh-

well stbh did caught me out there with my ex and was mad as hell at me, couldn't get a hold of him for days,but are far as I'm concerned he had no business being out there spying on me. He caused a whole lot of trouble for my girlfreind cause she had told her ex that I bought the trailer and used the money to pay debts with it.we did that so my GF could keep the trailer. My ex went to her's and told him everything and now she has to sell the trailer.Stbh asked me questions about it and I told him what I do and anything to do about the trailer is none of his business and its his fault she has to sell it. I don't have to tell him anything.I asked him do I have to have his permission to go anywhere or do I have to call and tell him everytime I have to go to the bathroom. He doesn't trust me even though he says he does. He does not like my ex cause he seen how much of an [censored] he was to me and how much hell he is putting me through right now and I don't think they can get along. Oh he'll be nice and corgal but beyond that no. I told him that my ex is always going to be around and expect him to be there at christmas or family get togethers. My stbh told me once that there are three people in this relationship, me ,him and my ex but I countered that there is only me and him but like you he insists that there is three and that either the ex goes or he does. My ex is out of the picture but again he says he isn't and there is more going on here then I'm telling him. I think he is very insecure and needs help.

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 04:52 AM: Message edited by: soon to be wife ]</small>

STBW,

I am going to say something very harsh. You are a lying fool. You are lying to yourself and you are a fool if you think your ex is out of your life.

You set here and write how you see ex every day, how you tell your stbh that it is none of his business if ex is around. How ex will always be around.

THEN you say that there are only two in this relationship: you and stbh. Hello! You still have feelings for ex and it is absolutely sure that ex has them for you. He is trying to break up your relationship and I would say he is doing an excellent job.

Frankly, if your stbh came here my advice would be to run NOT WALK to the nearest exit. You do not love him, you do not value him, and you have frankly told him that. Your stbh had every right to find out if there is another man in your life and there is: your ex. You in fact are telling stbh to deal with it or leave, which means ex is in my life and I don't care if you are.

Frankly, my recommendation is to do everyone a favor and end the engagement. Your stbh will be hurt but saved a level of pain he doesn't deserve. You will get the man you want in your life and deserve in your life: your ex. Your ex will get what he wants: you back in his life (you really never left apparently) and control of the situation since he got what he strived for: breaking up your relationship.

EVERYONE WILL BE HAPPY BUT YOUR STBH, BUT HE WILL END UP THE HAPPIEST BECAUSE HE MAY AND PROBABLY WILL FIND A WOMAN THAT LOVES HIM. YOU DON'T.

Take my advice and save your stbh a lot more pain.

God Bless,

JL

Just so you don't believe that JL is a crackpot out in left field - I agree with him completely. Given the situation you described I hope your STBH recognizes what a rotten deal it is.

I wouldn't tell my stbh that he (ex) was there or where I was some weekends.
Why wouldn't you tell him?

He also feels that I should not be hanging around with my ex and that we are around each other too much.
You are. He is your EX.

I told him there is notheing between me and my ex
So why do you want to spend so much time with your ex?

you tell me whats wrong here
You are spending time with your ex. You should not be spending time with your ex. Give him the kids (on his visitation) and leave.
You are not having ANY consideration for you fiancees feelings.

well stbh did caught me out there with my ex and was mad as hell at me
He has every right to be.

but are far as I'm concerned he had no business being out there spying on me.
Spying? Why do you say that? Were you doing something wrong?

He caused a whole lot of trouble for my girlfreind cause she had told her ex that I bought the trailer and used the money to pay debts with it. We did that so my GF could keep the trailer.
How did HE cause trouble? You and girlfriend both lied. You said she sold it so she could keep it (I am assuming so her ex couldn't get in in their divorce?) Helping someone break the law is a great way to establish a relationship/friendship.

Stbh asked me questions about it and I told him what I do and anything to do about the trailer is none of his business
To a point is is. However, when it starts impinging on your relationship, YOU make it his business.

and its his fault she has to sell it.
Why is it his fault? He didn't make her buy it or cause her to go into debt.

I don't have to tell him anything.I asked him do I have to have his permission to go anywhere or do I have to call and tell him everytime I have to go to the bathroom.
Your are right, you don't.

He doesn't trust me even though he says he does.
Based solely on you actions above, he has NO REASON to trust you about very much at all.

either the ex goes or he does.
Your finacee should say goodbye to you.

My ex is out of the picture
You spend weekends with him.

is more going on here then I'm telling him.
You're not telling him anything.

I think he is very insecure and needs help.
I'd ask why you won't help him with this but you are too busy thinking of yourself.

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

When there are children involved, any future relationship is of necessity somewhat of a triangle (or possibly a more complex polygon, depending on the number of people involved). If the husband to be can't accept that, he shouldn't marry her. I don't see a problem with her spending the night at the trailer unless her ex is also there. I think the ex husband should have the right of first refusal when the mother is not available to take care of the children - isn't it a no-brainer that the kids are better off being in the care of their father than some babysitter, irrespective of whether it annoys the new husband-to-be?

I think the only, though major, problem is the lack of truthfulness.

My marriage was not the best infact it was more of a marriage of convince. I did everything and I do mean everything. I worked,clean house, looked after the kids,took them to the doctor, got them into activities and everythingelse that had to be done. All he did was sit on his duff. I got home he left to drink and do drugs. One time he did not get home until morning drunk and I had to take the day off to stay with the kids cause he passed out on the couch. Then one day he came to me and said his brother was inviting him out west for a visit paying for his ticket. I asked him what about looking after the kids while I'm at work? He gave me his answer like he always did. Its your problem not mine. Well stbh was just a freind at the time and he was between jobs so I asked him if he would look after the kids for me until I can get a regular person to do it and he can through for me. Later I got a babysitter and he got a job. My ex phoned me and told me we were moving out west. I asked him if he has a job and he said no.Stbh was a freind I could talk to cause my own family was too far away to talk to so I asked him what I should do. he told me that its my decision but he layed the fact out to me. If I went out there and he got no job nor if I didn't we would be stuck out there with three young kids, no friends and no family I could count on. Besides I wanted out of my marriage cause I had enough so I told the ex no based on facts. He said fine he'll stay and me to F off and that ended the marriage. he came back two months later mad because he though I would come crawling back to him and I didn't. He has done everything in his power to make this divorce as hard as he can.I try to stay on freindly term with him for the kids sake but its hard when he tell me he is not going to let me have a life,that he is going to take our youngest away from me, half my furniture and file for bankrubcy so he can dump his debt on me.
as for soon to be well I have never met a man quite like him. he would babysit for me if I wanted to take one of the kids to the doctor or if I wanted to go food shopping(even lent me his car). One time he popped over for a visit and found me with three kids sick with the flu. He asked me if I had meds for them and I said no but look in the cupboards. find none I told him I had no money for meds and he said he would lend me it and so I told him what I needed. Well not only did he get me the meds but two humdred dollars worth of food cause he saw I had none.I cried that night cause this man literatly came to my rescue, nobody in my entire life ever did anything like that for me, the man is a saint.If I needed a ride to the store he would not only give me one but by me dinner or lunch cause he knew I did not eat properly (all the food went to my kids and I eat little so they could have it)When he went out somewhere with his kids he would invite me and mine out and paid our way. So one day about a year after my separtation I decided that I wanted a relationship with this man and boy did I make the right choice, he ahs never let me down and has always been there for me through thick and thin.The ex has found out through the kids and now I have to play this game he wants to play just to get a divorce and marry my new guy. You people are right though I ahve not been very up and up on things and now I find myself in an ugly situation because of it. I have hurt the one I care most about and kissing up to the one I don't. But I feel if I don't play this game right the ex is going to take my daughter away from me.He has already said that he, his sister and her husband and some of his freinds will testify that stbh was the cause of our marriage break down and sue me for adultery, everything is a lie of course. Stbh was not even in the picture at the time.Now I have to mend fences with the stbh or I will lose him. I have made a mess of things and now I need to straighten them out. As for the Ex I'm at a lost as to what to do, and what about the trailer. I want to go out there but stbh is upset about that

Hmmm, the plot thickens....

Girl you are either VERY young or.....very st....ahhhhhhhh never mind.

Take a GOOD hard look at yourself and your situation. STBH WAS on the scene while hubby was away, you said so yourself. Oh maybe not as your 'official boyfriend', but providing something we call here "Emotional Needs" to you in the absence of your husband. Sex DOES NOT have to occur for it to be an affair. Do NOT try to sugar coat things for the folks here....we have all been there and done that as far as observing appropriate behaviour between adults.

Did you even READ the replies above? They have excellent advice if you want a solution to your problem....What??? Everyone else is WRONG, but you are RIGHT? Wake up girl, you are going to lose your wonderful new man, and possibly end up with your lazy old one again. If that is what you want, fine, do whatever you like, and see what happens. Don't tell us we didn't warn you.

Sheesh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Either this is a troll, or I have heard it all now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

STBW,

Ok! You have me confused. Are you or are you not divorced? If you are not divorced then you are not about to be a wife, you are a wife. If you are divoced, and your exH left you with the kids, then he has no hope in the world of taking your kids away.

Why? Well, he abandoned you. He is a drug user. He has no job. And some sort of custody had to be set up when the divorce came through.

I would strongly recommend you seek some legal aid, if you are not divorced or not. But, if you are not divorced then it is time to back of your BF until you are. He sounds like a nice man, but it also sounds as if you really don't understand a few things.

If you are divoced there is no way, the family unit functions as it did. Your exH cannot just show up any time to see the kids without consulting you, and your spouse if you do remarry. As much as Nellie likes to focus on the children, divorce does change their lives and it changes how and when the parents interact with the children. You must recognize this and deal with it.

No, H is going to be happy with the exH freeloading off of him, borrowing his car, coming to his house eating his food on a regular basis. He will even be less happy if his W tells him, "I will do what I want and so will exH, deal with it or leave."

You need to make some serious decisions. You need to get many things straight in your mind BEFORE you marry this man.

God Bless,

JL

In my rush to reply to your original posting, I missed the boat on a few things;
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First and Foremost! What are your priorities?</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you truly love the new man in your life then he damn well better come first! Remember "Forsaking all others" If I was in your new mans shoes, I would be having second thoughts at this very moment!</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While it may be necessary to maintain a ertain amount of contact with the ex-husband, it should be strictly confined to those matters that have any effect upon the children, nothing else will suffice!</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was an area that caused a certain amount friction between my wife and I for a while and it caused me some severe anxiety wondering if her ex was looking for a way to get back into my wife's pants. NEED I SAY MORE?</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is nothing that a man hates worse than the feeling he is being lied to or being used, even the kindest and gentlest of men can turn into raving maniacs when they discover that they may be in that situation!</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BOTTOM LINE IT THIS, IF YOU ARE LOOKING TO SELF DESTRUCT, THEN YOU ARE DAMN WELL GOING ABOUT IT THE RIGHT WAY
My wife is first and foremost in my life and if an old girlfriend suddenly popped up out of the blue, I would make it abundantly clear that I have a life now with my wife and I hold that ABSOLUTELY SACRED