OK, chew on this one and tell me what you think.

You can read my story(see sig line) below if you need to. But in short:

My W kicked me out, blamed every thing on me. I bought it hook line and sinker, did all the wrong things(fortunately, not for long). Then I find out about the As. I feel that I was played a fool by moving out and that under the circumstances, that have just been revealed, I shouldn't have left the house. I fully admit my responsibility in the matter and I am doing all I can for myself.

To tell you the truth, I needed a wake up call. A seperation was definitely in order. But, not so she can have the current A more easily!

I have half a mind to go back over there and say, "I'm back and I'm not leaving. You lied to me about the real reasons for asking me to leave..." or something like that.

I'm feeling somewhat tweaked right now. Can you tell??!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

....and a valid feeling.

So can you do that?

L.

I am a firm, firm believer that if anyone is going to leave the household, it should definitely be the person who had the A!!!

The BS did nothing wrong...they did not force the WS to have an A!! Why should they give up their home, which is a source of comfort in a troubling time?

Just my humble opinion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you for the responses.

I could go back. Heck, at one time my father in-law suggested it. There is nothing legally or otherwise to prevent it. The question is: should I, and at what point do I consider it? We start MC next monday so now is NOT the time. Right now I have to be the better person(man that's tough when you KNOW you got the short end of the stick).

This would be a last resort type of thing if she refuses to give up the OM and my love bank is nearing empty. Would it be an LB. Maybe so, but it may be a wake up to her. I don't know. I am just now thinking about this. Lots to consider here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyone else have some input?

Luki,

My WW disappeared after I confront them in the parking lot. She told me she want to go home just to see the kid 4 days later and ... you guess it right ... she refused to leave and I could do nothing about it. This is my 2¢. You should stay out for a few more days to think about it b/c you still in anger. Moving back right now will not do you any good. Learn as much as you can about MB inside out specially LB and plan A. The whole A is not fair but you have the choice to end your M or to work on plan A. Sit back and breath ... think hard during this weekend away from your WW if you still want to save your M. Read some of the 'coaster post and see if you are up to it. If you could do plan A, move back in and just say to WW ... "I live here too". Short and dry and no LB'ed, be carefull some WW in fog might provoked you to get RO. Walk away from any argument.
-rh-

Anyone else? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'm looking for a wide range of input. Errrrr....bumping for the lunch hour(s).

We start MC next monday so now is NOT the time.
When you see the MC, make sure one of the VERY FIRST things you tell the counselor is you are there to SAVE THE MARRIAGE! Not to discuss if it should or can be saved, but that it will be saved.

Touchy, feely stuff and childhood experiences are okay for long term views, but you need to concentrate on making the marriage better, not why it went bad.

If the counselor is not willng to do that, save money, leave & get another counselor. It may take 2 or 3 tries to find one who you feel comfortable with AND will do what do what you need. Most people get one shrink, stick with them even if they are not getting anything out of it.

Luki - as usually is the case, redhat makes some valid points.

But, if not for the scheduled MC session, I'd say you should move home immediately. Your stated reasons to her should not be because she booted you on false pretenses, but because you want to restore your marriage. This is conditioned on redhat's points concerning whether you could do this calmly.

Because of the MC session coming up, perhaps it's better to delay moving home until afterwards. But please be open and honest, if you feel it can be safely brought up then, and state your intentions in the MC session: You plan to move home to work on your marriage. You're willing to give her a few days to make alternate arrangements for herself if she wants, but you're coming home because you love her. Do not argue with her when she responds in alien speak, which she will.

Let me add that I was almost bamboozled like this. I was well aware of the affair, but my WS almost convinced me it "didn't exist" and I even volunteered to move out for awhile to let her have her "space." (Stupidly, I hadn't yet equated "space" with the alien abduction.) Fortunately, I came to my senses and declared that I wasn't going anywhere. If she wanted to leave, she could, but I was staying home with my son. Best single decision I made in the whole ordeal.

Of course, this set the stage for one of the most foggiest things she said (I swear I am not making this up): "I had to leave!! You gave me no choice! It was YOUR decision NOT to leave!!!!"

Sorry for the personal distraction.

Move home as soon as you can smooze it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If the counselor is not willng to do that, save money, leave & get another counselor. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You said it! This will no. 2. The first guy did exactly the wrong thing. He said that he could not help us unless both of us were not on board. Well if we were both on board we probably would not be there, would we!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

The new guy is a recommendation from a couple that are both very strong willed. If this guy could handle them I think he will be a good choice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry for the personal distraction.

Move home as soon as you can smooze it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT, personal experiences are exactly what I am looking to gain some knowledge from. No apologies needed.

The biggest challenge is, if and when I "show up" she in all likelyhood will detonate and do some major LBing. I will have to be a very cool but caring customer. I will wait for around 2-3 counciling sessions to see if this becomes an option if she doesn't just accept me back.

I may not be able to "smooze"(b/c of major league fog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) my way back home but I will end up there one way or another.

Let me back up a second and give a little more background as to why I think I left so easily.

My W makes around 3 times as much as I do right now. I say right now because I am in school gettind a second degree and I am only working part time. So she has been footing most of the bills. So this was used against me when I was "forced out". I felt at that time(I was still clueless as to the real reasons) that I didn't have a leg to stand on. She kept on driving that home so along with all the other stuff;"I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm not happy. There's more for me out there."

All the usual WS speak.

Man, I was so stupid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

luki,

I made the same mistake you did. My W told me she was unhappy and 4 months later after growing more and more detached, she asked me to leave. Like you, she blamed me for everything and i bought into it. I agreed to leave for a month. It was during that time that I learned about OM. One good thing about leaving was that it gave me a chance to some "snooping". I came home after that month and confronted her about OM. She denied it (and still has) and told me a week later she wanted a D. Six months later she filed for D. That was a year ago. I moved out 4 months ago after we reached a custody agreement.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one to be duped. My advice, move back in ASAP. If the A is ongoing, then she should be the one to leave. If it's over, you stand a better chance at recovery by having everyday interaction with her and letting her see your changes firsthand and your commitment to your marriage.

sad dad

Thank you all for sharing your opinions and personal experiences with me. You have been a great source of support and insight.

I talked with my FIL about the whole situation ( see thread: On revealing the affair to the light of day )

One of the considerations was the support of the ILs if/when I go home. My FIL said that irregardles of the As they have always been supportive of me going back with or without my Ws approval. This was a relief to hear and gives me the green light to do so if this becomes necessary. Counseling on Monday will be a start. We will see. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I found a counselor who was recommended by someone who is an (woman) idol of the W's. She gave me the number and I set up an appointment. So today's the day! I am anxious. Here is what I want to say:

1. I am here to save my marriage and I have a plan to do it.

2. We need you (the counselor) to listen, but more importantly question, criticize and coach us respectfully. Also, if don't think we are a good fit for you, please pass us on to someone else. No hard feelings will be had on our part. We may decide this on our own as well.

3. I am not asking for her to make a decision. All I ask is that she gives her self the chance to make it in a way that we will both agree was the right way to do things.

4. That means two things: 1. I move back home. And that doesn't mean everything is just "peachy" all of a sudden. It will be awkward but it will give me a chance to prove to her that I can make her happy. 2. No contact with OM. That is the only way for us to make the right decision together. (More on that later)

5. That past is just that. I do not and will not hold any of this against her. I promised to protect her and I will do that. I will not use the past as a weapon in an argument or to get my way. I am living in the here and the now and am looking forward, not backward. Hindsight is always 20-20 but my foresight is also 20-20 and that is the direction which I am looking.

6. I cannot tip toe around anymore. It has been 2 1/2 months now. I have worked very hard on my self and it is time to work on us and do it the right way. I don’t want to talk in depth about my depression. I have someone for that and I am getting better.

Of course I have to say these things so it doesn’t sound like an ultimatum, but they must be said. I trust that I will come up the right words and the right tone to say them.

I had an in-depth talk with FIL in which I stated that I must go back home at some point whether it is negotiated or not. He agreed. Everything came out then so he knows everything. I couldn’t live the lie any longer. I felt much better.

Anyway after a week of fairly good times with her, this week was rough; a lot of the hostility returned but she never did blow up on me, even though it was close at times. I know that she had talked to OM and told him that they had to "just" be friends in case we were able to patch things up. I know that he would not stand for that. So I think he has been pushing hard and they have spent more time together and the "fog" has rolled back in. Also, a friend (one or our bridesmaids) who is also friends with the OM evidently had a discussion with him and I think that the W thinks that I put her up to it probably because OM told her so. What a tangled web he is weaving. I hope that she brings that up so I can say:

"Yes, I confided in <Friend’s Name>, but I never told her to talk to OM, I told her that YOU needed support and love of YOUR friends. I care about YOU and YOU ALONE."
Any thoughts (that’s a given, I know!!)

Good Luck today Luki!!! Let us know how it turns out!

my wife asked me to leave several months before i discovered the a and i have learnt that this was the same time the om had left his wife. i think the two of them wanted the outside world to see them as a relationship formed after a marriage break up rather than an affair which caused the break up. this hurts a lot because at the time the two of them must have made a definite decision to form a long term relationship. my wife now says that she was giving me a chance before d day and i actually taped her saying this in the few days before d day to a friend so maybe it is true. how does the om feel if he has left his w for my w and my w now wont leave? she says he didnt leave his wife for her but this is hard to believe. sorry to go on but yes it stinks being asked to leave before d day!!

Luki - two thoughts.

One, you have a 50/50 chance of getting a counselor that is below average. Keep this in mind.

Second, DO NOT argue with your wife!! Do not say: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Yes, I confided in <Friend’s Name>, but I never told her to talk to OM, I told her that YOU needed support and love of YOUR friends. I care about YOU and YOU ALONE." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Instead say something like, "I understand your perception and you're right that I shouldn't recruit mutual friends for my own interest." There is NO WAY you can get anywhere contradicting their "truth." They may want to believe the world is flat. Let them. If the counselor is good, she eventually will drill down into accusations by either of you.

WAT

empc,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> sorry to go on but yes it stinks being asked to leave before d day!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't have to be sorry for telling your story. That what this thread is here for. It's a good way to learn about other people's situations and how you can relate them to your own. I repeat from another post I left for you: DO NOT MOVE OUT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> GET YOURSELF BACK IN THE GAME.

WAT,

"Roger that" on your whole post. I have a back up counselor already picked out and I am not going to argue with my W. Thanks.

The good:

1. The counselor appears to be excellent. He definitely helped us around the landmines.

2. He gave suggestions right away to get us talking.
-Spend 40 minutes listen to your W telling
you how she feels.
-Then have your W listen to you for 40min.
-Then talk together.

2. My W agreed to the suggestions.

3. Got every part of the plan out there except the part of moving home. Made a judgement call not to go there yet. Was very articulate and respectful.

The bad.

1. Wife was very upset as we walked out. She let me hug her but did not partake in the hug. Whats going on there??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

2. It was a rough session emotionally. Still alot of fogese <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> being spoken. Agreed with her on this to diffuse the hostility.

3. Was better prepared than my W. Not that being prepared is bad, just that I think it threw her off that I was able to articulate myself so well.

I'm too blown to write anymore.