Hi all
I have a counselling seeion with Steve yesterday and badly needs some tips/advice on how to put Steve's suggestions into practice.
My story is detailed here (I hope)
My Story In summary, my h has been having an A since the end of July 02 with the person I thought of as one of my best friends. The A started the day before I can back from holiday (with a girlfreind who was going through emotional problems, the 1st ever I had without my h). The holiday was 2 wks after our dog (our baby) was put to sleep after a long illnes with cancer. ow was there for h when I was away and used the oppertunity to confirm for him that I was B***h - (she referred to me as the Big B (but h says only because she was jealous!).When I came back from holiday, h was vv happy to see me and v loving saying how much he missed me. ow was then round our house every w/e for weeks. h was upset one night and said ow had told him I never had anything good to say about him and took him for granted etc. I assured h she was lying and all was ok. I started distancing myself from her and she stopped coming round so much. I suspected something but trusted her and h. I thought she was needy as usual. She is a single mother with a s of 31/2 - the result of a 5 yr A. All her past R have been passionate, intense but brief - she has ended all as she got bored or lost interest or they became too demanding. All R have lived with her from almost the start. She has always fallen madly in love with all these R.
H told me at the end of September as ow told him it was for my own good - I hadnt seen her for several weeks by then.
H then moved in with her for a week. At the w/e we got intimate after talking (he cried when we talked - v depressed all week). He said ow wouldn't take him back now so he moved back with me. They talked the next day but he was still with me. SF v good. ow rang me at work telling me about their sex. H v distant when I got home. I was away on buisness 2 nights. h and ow talking and meeting. H moved out to her following w/e committed to her. NC 4 days then couple text messages and passing meetings. Next w/e we talked anbd were intimate again. H still with ow. Talked again next day. H then moves back in asks ow not to contact him says committed to M and doesn't want to turn back on our history. Ow v angry, constantly dropping things off etc. H now feels v guilty, still loves her. ow keeps telling him (at least twice a day) how he has to stop talking etc to her and cut her out of our life if we are to re commit. Then ow tells him she is seeing a new man and he must get over her - new man supposidly sends text to h telling him this using ow phone! After 4 wks with me, h moves back to ow but is not living with her officially - only stayed one night at home in last wk though. h and ow say they want to take it slowly this time. H says he needs to prove his trust to ow and take it slowly. h now talking Dv and seeking legal advice.
H and I bought our new house a little over a year ago. It was a huge struggle and h wasn't sure if he was really committed to it. h has had staff problems and business is decreasing. h said on d day that he didnt know what he wanted from life was confused, scared and didn't know if he wanted to end up like his boss - living and working in the same place all his life. Now he wants to buy me out and presumably move her in! I am the major income source and have been preoccupied the past year or so worrying about my job security and keeping the business going if I lose my job. I was scared that I might cause my h to lose his business! This has meant that I have not devoted enough time to dealing with his worries and insecurities. I tried talking to h about my worries but h is not interested in money, so I talked to ow instead - big mistake!
Additionally, I had an A over 4 yrs ago when away on a course. It lasted around 2 mths - can't really rewmember - h knew after about 1 mth maybe. It was EA (I thought) and PA. H sent me letters etc telling me of his love for me. I said nasty things when I left h that were based on truths but were not wholly true. I didn't move in with om but stayed with family and saw om. He helped my needs in respect of financial security and other areas. I realised that this was not love with om and went back to my h whom I really love. I realised that my h has his faults but that I love him despite these. He counters my weaknesses and I couter his so we balance. I also realised that I could not change him and I would have to take care of fs issues so I changed my job and now have a very good carerer and earn a lot - but it does mean I work long hours. I work hard to give my h everything I can. I love him unconditionally. I have neglected his nees now and hat has led partly tro his A. However, it is also due to the fact that we didnt talk about my A - I thought it was enough to tell him I loved him. He has often been concerned since that I woul;d have another A as he said I had the oppertunity. I always told him I wasn't and wouldn't and didnt have oppertunity but that he had oppertunity! H has now told me that 2 mths b4 his A started he had stopped worrying about me having an A as he had stopped caring. He even wished I would have na A so he could get out.
During my session with SH, he avised a guarded plan A. He said I needed to 'chip away at my h, reminding him of our history saying that we can work it out basing this on changes and the lessons learnt. He said I should only talk about my feelings if asked, so I shoulnt say I was ok when I am not. I should let him know that we have a track record together and we can make it better because of our history. I shouldnt say bad things avbout her (I havnt). I should not act scared or paniced but act hopeful to let him know that our furture can be bright if we follow the plan. (I have been acting scared, clingy and desperate like I ca not let go). I should let him know that if it doesnt work out, we can both be fine but we dont have to split up. So I should be hopeful and confident. I have been trying to develop a life for my self over the past week and have gone out and not told h where. I should now let h know if he asks and shoulnt brag about parties (there havent been any yet but I have lied about them as now he is with ow they cant go out without considering babysitting). I should keep myself busy and occupied. I should be open and honest. I should demonstrate change and show a confidence at reworking marriage. I should say that any frustration is because he cant see the solution. I should guard myself against his actions as he is under the influence of an addiction and will have mood swings and be insensitive and unthoufghtful. I should also keep in mind by sending brief "how are you doing" type text measges and say the occasional "I love You's". I should also consider going away for Christmas.
This is all good advice. Does anyone have experience of such an appraoch. I would love to hear from anyone and fing this board such a release.
I am starting to lose hope as I think he will file in the new year. I still help him with the business.
Sorry this is so long. I will be seeing H tonight.
Thanks
<small>[ November 28, 2002, 06:30 AM: Message edited by: Losing_hope ]</small>
