I don't know how many of you come from homes where divorce is the unmentionalble. Well, i do, and my wonderful smart, dependable brother said to me. Honey, you don't know when to quit. Its time. Because you made a choice, you can chose again. Start making good choices today. I am working on a plan.

Dear ******
I love you and I believe in you and your ability to make good decisions for our family. However, right now you are not making good choices or good decisions and i have reached the end of my ability to cope. I married you for life. I love you. However, i can't continue to live in constant fear. Your affair has gone on for over a year. Everyday when i wake up the first thought i have is of you. All day long i think of you and what you are doing. I know you see her inspite of you saying that you don't. I know that you lie to me about your relationship with her. I have done all i can or will do to make you happy and if you cannot be happy with out her than you will have to be happy without me.I refuse to live in constant dread and fear, I am making choices for me. I will not have my fear turn to anger and anger to hate as no matter what choice you make we still have two beautiful children that we have to parent together. If i let myself get to the point that i hate you. It will not be good for my family. You told me during one of our conversations that i would have to choose. My choices were, to share you with her or not. As my asking you to give her up was unfair as it was asking you to be unhappy and selfish. If it is selfish to ask for what you promised - fidelity and respect, then it is time for me to be selfish. I deserve better, our children deserve better. At this time i am telling you that i have choosen. The ball is in your court. Break off all contact with **. and any relationships with other women and agree to work on our marriage or leave me and move on. I can not live another year like this last one. Please make a decision and act on it. Dragging this out forever like we have been doing is killing me.

Again let me tell you that I love you and want what is best for you. If you feel that she is best then. i will respect your decision.

Much pain and prayer has gone in to this letter. Please accept it as it is written in love and hope for our future, together or apart.

Your loving wife,

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: notgoingtodothis ]</small>

Dear Not going to do this:
Wow. What a great letter. I don't have any advice just a hug for you
(((((((((notgoingtodothis)))))))))))

Good luck with your letter and I hope peace finds you soon.
DB

Please HELP

BUMP

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> However, right now you are not making good choices or good decisions </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe add the words "I feel" in place of "right now". That way you are not telling him what to do or what he is. You are expressing your feelings and he cannot argue with you on this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your affair has gone on for over a year. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that this is good. Keep to the facts of the matter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It will not be good for my family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, use "I feel".

There are other places where those words may be used but these suggestions should help you pick out where.

I'm sure there are others that may have a better take, but that's my best shot. Good luck.

Thank you both for your replies,

I have edited my letter, see what you thinkDear ******
I love you and I believe in you and your ability to make good decisions for our family. However, I feel that right now you are not making good choices or good decisions and i have reached the end of my ability to cope. I married you for life. I love you. However, i can't continue to live in constant fear. Your affair has gone on for over a year. Everyday when i wake up the first thought i have is of you. All day long i think of you and what you are doing. I know you see her inspite of you saying that you don't. I know that you lie to me about your relationship with her. I have done all i can or will do to make you happy and if you cannot be happy with out her than you will have to be happy without me.I refuse to live in constant dread and fear, I am making choices for me. I will not have my fear turn to anger and anger to hate as no matter what choice you make we still have two beautiful children that we have to parent together. If i let myself get to the point that i hate you. I feel that will harm my family. You told me during one of our conversations that i would have to choose. My choices were, to share you with her or not. As my asking you to give her up was unfair as it was asking you to be unhappy and selfish. If it is selfish to ask for what you promised - fidelity and respect, then it is time for me to be selfish. We both deserve better, our children deserve better. At this time i am telling you that i have choosen. The ball is in your court. Break off all contact with **. and any relationships with other women and agree to work on our marriage or leave me and move on. I can not live another year like this last one. Please make a decision and act on it. Dragging this out forever like we have been doing is killing me.

Again let me tell you that I love you and want what is best for you. If you feel that she is best then. i will respect your decision.

Much pain and prayer has gone in to this letter. Please accept it as it is written in love and hope for our future, together or apart.

Your loving wife,

Anyone else, feel free, i need all the help i can get. I was going to wait until after christmas, but im not sure i can make it through our anniversary like this. It is Dec 21st

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have done all i can or will do to make you happy </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get rid of "or will do". IMHO it makes you sound like you haven't done everything when in reality you actually have.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If i let myself get to the point that i hate you. I feel that will harm my family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Change "my" to "our" and add a coma <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> : "If i let myself get to a point where i hate you, I feel this will harm our family."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The ball is in your court. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe change this to: "I feel that it is now time for you to choose."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please make a decision and act on it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe change this to: "I feel that it is time for you to make a decision and act on it. "

You have a good letter. These are just changes that make it more about what is going on inside your head. Take care.

Just a crazy thought but should you say what will happen if he doesn't chose you soon. Something like, please make a decision soon. If you chose her, I feel it would be best if you move out as soon as possible, blah, blah, blah. Say what you want there. Get specific about kids and bills. Maybe it would be a jolt of reality? Maybe?

OK GUYS, what do you think, getting close. It has me kind of psyched up. I really want to do this. I have to,. Anybody want to talk me out of this????

Dear ******
I love you and I believe in you and your ability to make good decisions for our family. However, I feel that right now you are not making good choices or good decisions and i have reached the end of my ability to cope. I married you for life. I love you. However, i can't continue to live in constant fear. Your affair has gone on for over a year. Everyday when i wake up the first thought i have is of you. All day long i think of you and what you are doing. I know you see her inspite of you saying that you don't. I know that you lie to me about your relationship with her. I have done all i can do to make you happy and if you cannot be happy without her than you will have to be happy without me.I refuse to live in constant dread and fear, I am making choices for me. I will not have my fear turn to anger and anger to hate as no matter what choice you make we still have two beautiful children that we have to parent together. If i let myself get to the point that i hate you. I feel that will harm our family. You told me during one of our conversations that i would have to choose. My choices were, to share you with her or not. As my asking you to give her up was unfair as it was asking you to be unhappy and selfish. If it is selfish to ask for what you promised - fidelity and respect, then it is time for me to be selfish. We both deserve better, our children deserve better. At this time i am telling you that i have choosen. I feel that now it is time for you to choose. Break off all contact with **. and any relationships with other women and agree to work on our marriage or leave me and move on. I can not live another year like this last one. I feel that it is time for you to make a decision and act on it. Dragging this out forever like we have been doing is killing me. I have prepared myself for this to go either way. If you choose to continue with your relationship with ** I feel like you need to move out and decide the best way to resolve the issues that will insue.

Again let me tell you that I love you and want what is best for you. If you feel that she is best then. i will respect your decision.

Much pain and prayer has gone in to this letter. Please accept it as it is written in love and hope for our future, together or apart.

Your loving wife,

Anyone else, feel free, i need all the help i can get. I was going to wait until after christmas, but...

I know how easy it is to get psyched up about this and when you are in the mood and emotionally prepared for it it makes it look like an attractive choice. However, just to play devil's advocate here, what about waiting one day, two days or a week. Then look at your letter again and see if that is still how you feel. If so, give it to him. Just another crazy idea.

I know waiting is the hard part.....

That reads very well to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know how easy it is to get psyched up about this and when you are in the mood and emotionally prepared for it it makes it look like an attractive choice. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree that you should dwell on this for a while. Your H started his A when he made a decision with out thinking about it. I would wait until you are calm, cool and collected. What conditions define that for you and when you have decided you have reached that point is up to you and you alone.

It takes guts to write something like that.

Dazed and Luki,

thanks so much for your help. I guess i feel like if i have the letter written, when the time is right, i can, without having to set down and cry through writing it alone. give it to him. Sounds silly, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but i am not a spur of the moment person, except when snooping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> so i need to get it together. Thanksgiving was a biggy for me. H had a flat while he was leaving my parents home. He just left it for me to fix. You know that saying, its all about me. Well my plan a has been great, and i quess its all about him. He sent me to the store lastnight. I think its a pattern. any way, when i got home, sure enough she had called his cell phone, and he called her right back. i think he thinks i am going to let this go on indefinitly. i am very nonconfrontational. Everytime i try to talk to him he gets angry and blames me. He says i should just forget about her. Not likly when i think about it so much. a year, i never dreamed it could go on so long. S

He left you to fix a flat tire?????? I changed my mind, give him the letter!!!
What a fog he is in!!!! He needs shook up. Wait on the letter - but not long. Maybe during the holidays would be a good time for him to be apart from you. The OW might have already made other plans - is she married? Maybe you will find out how calm, peaceful your life would be, too.
I'm mad for you.
DB

well i finally got my work done so here i am again. Yes, he left me to fix the tire, and get it. Today he is driving it and calls me, i guess i didn't get the bolts tight enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , that will teach him. I can't do it all, and get it right all the time. I have my letter, i wrote it by hand so it wouldn't look so you know. Anyway. I am waiting. I also got the cell bill (copy) he called her 117 times last bill. Whats that, LOVE?????,

I can't do this much longer.

Two suggested changes below. I think you are still letting WH make all the decisions. You need to set up your boundaries. What if he ignores your request that he move out or break contact? You make it sound like it's still all up to him. So this is how I would word those 2 sentences:

"Break off all contact with **. and any relationships with other women and agree to work on our marriage or leave me and move on. "
Unless you agree to break off all contact with ** and any relationships with other women and agree to work on our marriage, I have no choice but to stop all contact with you.

"If you choose to continue with your relationship with ** I feel like you need to move out and decide the best way to resolve the issues that will insue. "
If you choose to continue with your relationship with ** then you will need to move out of our home and decide how best to resolve the ensuing issues that will result.

As a final word - give it one more day. Then hand him the letter. There's nothing more you can do. He's cake-walking, and you're letting him get away with it. Time to shake him up, give him a dose of reality, and start looking after yourself.

P.S. What about "dazedblond"'s suggestion that you include specifics about how to deal with visitation with the kids, finances, the house, etc? I think that is also important and would stress the seriousness of your notice.

I think it's a pretty good letter. Are you still thinking of waiting till after the holidays before giving it to him? If so, that does give you some time to reflect on if it's time to do so or not.

Good luck.

NGTDT, I have read your letters and like them very much, but I agree that you might want to wait, I say this because, I read where he made you change a flat, the cell phone, sounds like he is pushing you to make a move so he can be "oh, poor me victim". Maybe I'm wrong, any man that would send his wife out to fix a flat is either a (fill in whatever you want) or does not want to act like a mature adult. I'm new here too but I just feel that for the sake of your mental health, the kids, you need some boundaries that can at least keep you sane and ones you WILL stick by. Your WS is not considering you, your needs, or the kids!! He is not considering "the real meaning of marriage and love at all"!! I may be wrong, but seeing as your WS is not mentally right there to take responibility for his actions, I feel the letter will not jolt him into a better place of mental understanding for his wife, kids and marriage. JMHO. Please forgive me if I said something that sounds negative. I am not being that at all. My thoughts are with you, please hold onto the letter for a bit and watch your WS to see if he has any clarity to him, then the letter would be a much needed wake-up.

I really like SH's comments on changes.

However, let's discuss Neesha's opinions for awhile. When you give him this letter it's his choice to stop doing these things or leave. If he chooses to leave, isn't it always going to be 'poor me'??????? Won't it always be that way?

But, still, it's his choice. So 'poor me' doesn't really fit. Does it?

I remember that you live in a small town, like me and you feel everyone is talking about you. I don't think he's going to get much sympathy from the community if he does leave. Everyone around town will probably be saying "about time". Am I right?

Just some food for thought over the lunch hour.....
db

Thank you both for you input.

SH, your right that does state the boundaries better. I will change it. I haven't really given much thought to the future without him, and sharing my children instead of having them all the time. I really wouldn't know where to start. I pay all the bills and take care of the business of day to day stuff. He makes one payment on his stuff so he could just take it. I guess i should wait, and figure this out. however, waiting is all i have been doing. I'm to the point of let the chips fall where they may. My kids know i love them. They are my rocks as i am theirs. They are 10 and 7 and I am the sole care giver. I'm not sure he has ever washed my daughters' hair or given her a bath. As for my Son, He is a ROCK. steady, caring, smart, dependable michael. What would i do without him. It is for him i worry the most. Those little shoulders should not have to bear the weight of this struggle. And because of who he is i know he will take responsibility for it. I may never know the scars this will leave on him. As for my Sweet, funny Kaitlyn. She knows her daddy loves her. Probably wont change a thing in her life. She just bounces from joy to joy.

Sorry to carry on so. Really makes one sad to think that they would throw away their family for the moment of pleasure that they get from the OW doesn't it.

Wifey,
I originally thought i could wait until after Christmas, however. He is still right smack in the middleof the A, and my love bank is almost empty, and i have done all i can do. Any ideas???

NEESHA,

You are possibly right. The last time we even discussed our relationship he said that when i ask him to stop i am pushing him to her. He does the poor me my life is terrible. I have bad luck thing alot. However. I am waiting for the right time to do this. Thank you for your input. I didn't see it as negative at all.

Dazed, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes i live in a small town and your right they will say its about time. Even my MIL will kill him when she finds out this has continued this long. Not wanting to hurt him is part of the reason i have stayed, and put up with this so long. Thanks, Balony and doritos for me. I hope yours was as good as mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

NGTDT:
It's not necessary to put the terms of the divorce in the no contact letter. Just state something simple for awhile to get you through the holidays, until he comes to his senses or you decide for a legal separation.

(((((((hug)))))))))))

I've soooo busy today at work and will check in in a little while