I finally hit the end of my rope this holiday weekend. I decided that H was never going to give up OW and I really didn't care anymore. Didn't get angry or upset....just indifferent. Went to Vegas with a girlfriend and when I returned....did NOT meet his emotional needs. Decided I needed to learn to love ME again....so I was very quiet and I'm sure he could feel my energy...especially since it was not focused on him.

So...all day yesterday he sends me text messages saying how much he needs me and is nothing without me and begging me to forgive him and telling me he wants to let them go and he is not worthy of me but wants to be, etc., etc.

Last night, he writes me two letters and tells me that he has wronged me many times and he cannot even begin to show or express the depth of his heart and sorrow to my face. Said that he has been like a leech, living off of the life force of others, taking what he needs and moving on. Said he doesn't know how to love someone like me because I am like perfect. He says, I love you and want to be the super star that you believe I am in your life. And I am always wondering what you see in me because I don't see it. Says you are a greater person than me because I am sick of me and what I have become. Says you are genuine and I love you for all time because you see what no one else sees and for that I am blessed.

Could this be a beginning of recovery?

OnlyUcan --

Short Answer: Yes! This easily could be the beginning of a recovery for the two of you. The question remains, given your history since his track record isn't very good, can you trust him this time?

If what he's written is true, that he finally realizes what he's done and what he's got in you, that he's finally coming out of The Fog, it all points to a tempered optimism on your part. I say "tempered" since it's way too early to tell. See what he does, how he interacts with you, more than what he writes to you. While his words are not unimportant, the proof and validation of them will come through his actions and behaviors.

People who choose to have an A have low self-esteem, unfortunately a guaranteed component of the "affair mind-set." His letters to you tell you that; every line is steeped in it. The WS's see the path that says: it's much easier/safer/ better to start a new relationship than it is to face and identify and solve the problems in the old one. It's the wrong path but they can't see that once The Fog has rolled in. They can't see the incredible harm they inflict upon everyone around them, including those they're supposed to love. Most of all, they harm themselves in the long run, some unconscious death-wish...

I like your attitude when you say, "Decided I needed to learn to love ME again." Smart, savvy, regaining control of your life. This is a very, very hard time for you and my heart goes out to you. We'll sit with you anytime you need us. Please post again and let us hear from you; we need to know how you're doing. Bide your time, have saintly patience, trust your instincts, and have the wisdom of cats watching. We're here for you...

Ammon

Thank you Ammon.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The WS's see the path that says: it's much easier/safer/ better to start a new relationship than it is to face and identify and solve the problems in the old one. It's the wrong path but they can't see that once The Fog has rolled in. They can't see the incredible harm they inflict upon everyone around them, including those they're supposed to love.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have read many posts about "the fog" and this makes sense to me now. It feels like that is where he has been and I know that he has been running from himself and the pain that has occurred. As painful as this is for him, it feels like he is "attempting" to take it on and work through it! I will weather this storm with him and be by his side.....pray for me!

If my W said something similar I would be very happy. I think you need to let him know without LBing what the conditions are( NC etc...) for you two to work on the M. But beware, the fog is still lurking and will not fade w/o hard work. It's a good thing when you see a post like this. I hope it's the real deal. Good luck!!!

OnlyU,

I want to advise you to proceed with EXTREME CAUTION HERE.

Your H has received a wake up call, but, you need to keep up this newfound attitude of indifference for a while and make him start to EARN his right to be in your life. He could be simply REACTING to your new approach on things and the minute you let your guard down, he will revert. That is why you should look for consistency and commitment from him before accepting that this is the turning point. I hope it is!!!

Kily,
That's what I was thinking and what I discussed in my IC today. It's been so easy for me to "take on his pain" in the past. But, I'm no longer going to "make it all better" and "fix it". I get to release my co-dependent behaviors that have enabled this to continue.

In reality, I get to stay detached/indifferent until he earns my trust, etc. As much as I love this man.....he can still turn tail and RUN back to his destructive behaviors. At which time..I need to be prepared for Plan B.

I realized this weekend is the FIRST weekend in a YEAR that I have been away from him. Hmmmm....wonder why he spends all his time with me. When I'm away, I get a clear head. Guess I've been in my own sort of "fog".

Thanks for the advice. Keep it coming. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

And thanks to you too Luki....I needed to hear that honest feedback that the FOG is still lurking.

Would this be a continued sign of coming "out of the fog"?

Last night H talked to me about "how did we get to this point" and "missing the way it used to be".

I told him that I was accountable for a slow withdrawal and detachment from him over these past months. It is my defense mechanism. I told him that we have it in us to make this work, but it takes both of us choosing in and alot of hard work. I told him that I am with him because I deeply love him, not because I can't be on my own. I told him that he is beautiful to me inside and out and that I see the man that HE IS, not the man I want him to be....even if it just for glimpses in time. My children are from a previous marriage and my 16 yr old son sees the man in my H that he always wished his father would be. (My children know nothing of the EA's)

I told him the first thing I need is the NC letters to go to the OW and then for him to walk beside me and never look back. Was that the right thing to say?

Sounds really good! But dont forget: it's the actions on the ground that count, nothing else. Words, as we all know on this board, might be *absolutely* irrelevant, particularly if spoken from WS who are still in the fog.
So.... I'd be carefully positive. Next step: confirmed, proven NC.

N

OnlyU,

You wrote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Last night H talked to me about "how did we get to this point" and "missing the way it used to be". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You gave him your point of view which was wonderful.

The suggestion I might give you is to now ask him the same question. Maybe I'm off base becasue I didn't receive the beneift of the whole conversation, but what was HIS position?

Try to encourage him to share his thoughts on this. Her needs to be able to open up and trust that you will be receptive to his feelings. It's obvious to me that he wants to go there.....

I do think he is starting to come out. Keep up the good work.

Thank you for the support and Praise the Lord.

I forgot to mention that he sent me some text messages two days ago that also said....I want you! I want to let them go! I need you....please, I am begging you.

I am being carefully positive. A part of me is protecting myself "in case" this is another false recovery, but it feels different and it feels like he is taking different steps.

I agree though that proven NC is key. He has given me the passwords to all of his e-mails and he has let me see his phone to see if there are messages, etc. as well as there has been no telephone calls on the phone bill for two weeks.

I know that this is just the beginning....I just don't want to have false hope and wanted everyone's input.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />