Good day fellow MB'ers. I have a question regarding recovery and am intersted in any and all responses.

Late fall/early winter are months that are filled with triggers. You guys know what I'm talking about. Anyway, yesterday was not our best day. I had been on a downward path for a couple of weeks.

A little background. For the most part, our recovery on her part has been one of trying to be a better spouse for me. There has not really been much discussion of the A. For the most part, the only discussion we have regarding her A is when I am in crisis and I don't have these much anymore. But, I have come to the point where I don't bring it up anymore partly because I have the feeling "that it's been close to 2 years, I should be over it", and partly because she just gets "icky" about it. I'll try to define "icky". She says stuff like; "I f*&%$ed up.", "I'm a horrible person.", etc. I'm sure "Radical Honesty" does not agree with my approach, but I would rather bottle up what's left than have her keep beating herself up. What else should I/we do. This is where I'm looking for help.

My questions are these:

For BS's - What do you wish or what did you find that your WS did other than just "being a good spouse" that helped you recover?
For WS's - What did you do or what should you have done that would have helped your BS recover past "being a good spouse?

I don't want to criticize Jane, but I still feel like something is not quite right. By the way, we're still fine. I'm just ready to be further down the path, and being in the middle of trigger season....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bill Uphill:
<strong>
only discussion we have regarding her A is when I am in crisis and I don't have these much anymore. But, I have come to the point where I don't bring it up anymore partly because I have the feeling "that it's been close to 2 years, I should be over it", and partly because she just gets "icky" about it. I'll try to define "icky". She says stuff like; "I f*&%$ed up.", "I'm a horrible person.", etc. I'm sure "Radical Honesty" does not agree with my approach, but I would rather bottle up what's left than have her keep beating herself up. What else should I/we do. This is where I'm looking for help.

My questions are these:

For BS's - What do you wish or what did you find that your WS did other than just "being a good spouse" that helped you recover?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that one of the most unfortunate parts fo the aftermath of an affair is that there usually does come a point (if the WS is really trying to work on things) where the BS has to go it alone and deal with some things on his/her own, and not keep mentioning the triggers. Not everyone can do that.

I knew that my FWH was really trying hard. He was being a great husband, doing everything right to re-earn my trust, obviously making the marriage a priority etc. But I had really dark days for a long time due to triggers. So I tried to look at it if the situation was reversed - If I had made what I considered to be a horrible mistake, I accepted full responsibility for my actions and I was doing everything possible to make amends. then how would I feel if someone else kept bringing that mistake back up to me? Eventually I'd get pretty sick of it, even if I knew that the other person was right. Most repentant FWS want to put the A very much behind them and move forward, not be reminded of it for years on end. Though that may not seem fair to the BS, you can't really blame the WS.

I mean at first he was very understanding. But there came a time where I realized there were things I was going to have to deal with on my own. No amount of him being the perfect husband could erase the triggers, no matter how much he wished it could have. He was already doing everything right. Beating the dead horse will reach a point of being completely counterproductive to the marital recovery. Part of being a BS who decides to stay in the marriage means accepting the harsh reality that it takes a LONG time for the triggers to subside. The BS is often thinking about the A LONG after it's ancient history to the FWS. It's been 3 and a half years since the A ended for us, and things are sooo much better with the triggers. Lots of things that would have thrown me into a full blown depression of a day don't pahse me at all now. About 6 months ago I was actually able to go into a restaurant where I knew FWH had taken the OW. It was pretty much the only time he ever took her anyplace nice, and it was on Valentine's day. For years even the mention of that place made me want to vomit. I swore I'd never go there again. But due to a family obligation I was kind of forced to. And lo and behold once we got there I was perfectly fine to my amazement, and we had a great time. He obviously wasn't thinking abotut he OW, so why should I? I have a feeling he doesn't even remember taking her there. But for me to have gotten all weepy and reminded him of it definitely wouldn't have made for a positive and enjoyable evening for anyone.

Bill Uphill:
I am the ws and I have often wondered what I could do to make up for what I almost did. I actually just went to ex boyfriends house, got drunk and left when things were beginning to get out of hand. We moved 3000 miles away from our home to try to save our marriage. I admit that I have not done very well up here. I have never lived away from home and have 3 grown kids and a grand daughter back home. The first year here was filled with depression and I have had several set backs in the course of things. I constantly beat myself up for the mistake and every where you look, there is something brought up about cheating. It makes me hang my head and cry. I will always always feel terriable about it. Several times my husband has told me to leave and then let me stay. He is afraid that if I leave he will regret it and if I stay he might regret it. I have found it very hard to start a new life here away from family. I am doing better emotionally now but recently had surgery (hyst) which set me back again. He has begun to be more loving toward me and seems to be heading more toward us being together. He has told me that there is nothing I can do to help him. I just continue to be kind and loving toward him. He has good days and bad days. Back before this happened, he had warned me that if I ever did anything like this, he would not stay with me. Here I am though. I love him very much! I believe only time will tell the outcome. I feel that I have lost my self confidence since the move and really don't know how to get it back and move ahead. I believe if I can work on myself it would help. Thanks for listening. Any suggestions would help.