Hello, All. I have been reading the posts here since 05/02, but this is the first time I post. My D-day was almost 15 months ago back in 09/01. My WH finally stopped contacting OW back in 05/02 and we started MC about a month ago. Things has been the normal 1 step forward 2 steps back. However, in the last couple of days I have been put through another round of unpleasant reminders of A and now am seriously ready to quit again !!

Here's what happened:
1)On Tuesday, OW called my H at work -- very drunk (as usual) and babbling. Now he never sent her NC letter or anything -- left it at, "I would like to stay friends with you", so she clearly has no reason not to call. Saturday was my WH's 40th Birthday, so I was expecting her to call him anyway and was dreading it. He told me about her phone call and I asked him why he even bothered listening to her instead of hunging up on her. His reply was, "I told her not to call AT WORK." In my opinion, he is totally missing the point. I told him I would like him to tell her that he does not want her to contact him any more. He saw me very upset, laughed at me and said, "you are cute."

2)I had to go to my OB/GYN to had my cervix frozen today, because I had a precancerous cell change due to me contracting HPV. From all the past testing, etc., my doctor told me that it is pretty conclusive that my HPV infection is recent -- i.e., my WH gave it to me, probably, as a result of his A. I am VERY upset about this whole thing as you can imagine, but my H basically denies the whole thing. That he thinks it is impossible. Of course, no word whatsoever about how my treatment went today or anything.

3)My WH's workplace has a Christmas party on Friday. Of course, he did not even bother inviting me. He clearlly does not enjoy going out to a party, etc. with me. Has a good excuse of, 'But we do not even have a babysitter." He goes out by himself on Friday night ---not often enough in his opinon, ofter enough in my opinion. I was ironing his dress shirt for him to wear tomorrow -- felt pretty sad -- like a maid.

3)After the above 3 things, I was in a pretty rotten mood today, but still tried not to LB. Made a nice dinner for my H. While I was doing the dishes, he made this comment, "You are Roppongi veteran yourself." Now for those of you who does not know what Roppongi is: it is an area in Tokyo with a high concentration of bars and clubs -- it is where expats and foreign travelers hang out --- beyond meat market --- if you are a man with a pulse, you will definately walk out a bar with a Japanese babe in your arms (they are not prostitutes, mind you). It is a kind of place that gives a bad name to us Asian women, a dragon lady nickname. Of course, OW met my H there. That's her hangout. So, by making that comment to me, he basically called me a slut/whore. On top of that, "veteran" is a jargon among ex-pats in Tokyo for an old, beat-up, sad cases of women who still hangs out there in their 30/40s hoping to land a Western husband. I told him what he said was HIGHLY insulting. He laughed again and told me, "take it easy." On top of that, he was high on pot as any given night. He was in a different kind of fog. No sense talking to him.

I am tired of living with a man who does not respect me. Who is capable of making such a humiliating comments and thinks nothing of it. I mean, who am I kidding ?? We have a MC tomorrow, but honestly, right now I am feeling like I am ready to quit. No sense going on with a man who repeats, "Oops, I did it again !!"

Dear FW,

Welcome to MB (as a poster). I am sorry you are having to deal with such disrespect. We have a show out here called Dr. Phil and he repeated that respect and dignity are esscential to a relationship.

So your H called you a VR? Very rude. That is what they do in the A. Ask him if that is ok to call his mom or sister the same name? Or howz about his daughter? Why is it that wives get to be berated?

There was a 'documentary' here just last week about a geisha's life...... funny how they don't mention more than 'just a fantasy'. So H says see they aren't that bad...... arrrgh.... if they have such a good profession (I can see where some of it is hard work but pretending to be enjoying a bad joke is not my idea of working), then why are they not married? Hm/?????

So they have a different name.....doing the same dirty job and there is no excuse for any of it. We call those kinds of place 'red light district'. Whatever the name, the fantasy and game is the same.

OWs thrive there, think they are owed the right to take what is not theres and the dumb men think it is ok to give what has already been given to their wives..... total disloyalty.

I would throw back the stuff in his face and put a different name or even his name on it and see if he likes it.

Then I would start not doing things for him like...... not washing his clothes??? Just a thought. I told my H to go and let the OW meet all his needs.....why should I have to get just the dirty work?!?!?

take care and read up on MB books and Love must be Tough by Dr Dobson.

L.

Orchid,

Thank you for your acknowledgement of my hurt feelings, and your advice. I have read your other posts here at MB on many occasions and admire your insights and compassion.

I went to sleep little after midnight last night, woke up around 5 am only to find my H in a bed in a different room. Woke him up and asked him why he was in a separate bed, no answer. 15 minutes later, asked him a same question, he moved to our bed, but no hugs or apologies. When he woke up this morning, I asked him, "Are you going to MC today, or do you want me to cancell it ?" He says, "I will let you know later." I went on, "You do not want to go, or you cannot go ?" His reply, "I told you I do not know how the day will go. What's there to talk about anyway ??" After that, I LB-d major.

30 minutes later, I calmed down and told him how he made me feel again with all his disrespect and apparent disregard to my feelings. Also, told him MC is there to guide us how to get out of minefield when we step into one. The way we are dealing with things, it will not get better. His philosophy is that if a couple is compatible, then, we should not have to have this kind of painful/uncomfortable conversations in the first place. I do not agree. If that's the case, how come he has not been able to stay with anyone for more than a few years ?? Even with the women with apparent what he considers as, "compatible"?? (young, loves to go out partying, etc.)

By the way, we live in DC surburbs. I am originally from Tokyo, but have been living here for more than 15 years now. Roppongi girls are worse than Geishas --- at least Geishas have a strict rules of conducts -- they even have a respect for wives and know their places. I am not going to defend their profession, but there is such a long history of acceptance of them in my country. Roppongi girls are NOT professional, they are there to find a husband who will supposedly give them a glamourous Western life style, Most of them do not even speak a decent English. My H's friend who has been out there as an ex-pat told him yesterday, all he has to do to get any Roppongi girl in bed is to caress their hair and tell them, "Oh, your hair is beautiful." How disgusting !!

Anyway, I am very upset that my H fell for this type of women, and even dare put me in the same category !! I guess he is still deep in the FOG.
I thought he was out of it.

Dear FW,

Well it sounds like he is still on the disrespectful train ride and needs to be kicked off. It will take some time.....how long has this been going on? If he won't go to counseling, can you?

As for his treatment of you, build up your support group so that you can strengthen your resolve. Eventually you will be able to come back and put his disrespectful statements in place or even ignore them.

One thing about WS and OPs, they certainly don't like it when a BS is able to see right through them, stand up against them, totally dismantle their disrespectful acts and put it back in the WS and OPs face.

You now know that the Roppongi girls are the same all over, just a different nationaltiy. Over here they carry the title of prostitute or hooker....of course there are more derogatory names that they share all over the world. CAn't get rid of them all for now but you can protect yourself from them.

My WS was told that for every woman he had sex with, I had sex with every man they had sex with, when he came home to me. YUCK!!! That stood out in my mind and in his. He apolgized for that but still would not stop seeing PBR. YUCK. I felt like calling up PBR's H and telling him the same. PBR didn't care, she thought she was hot stuff when she landed a 'white boy'. She is a 47 year old chinese lady who like white guys..... how sad to like someone just because of their nationality instead of them as a person.

Just know that you are way way better than that OW tramp. Keep your dignity and don't let him take that away from you. As hard as it is, you can control that piece.

I see a lot of oriental women here and know many lurk for the same reason. You know what? There are a lot of men who lurk out there for the same reason also. Many years ago we were in an amusement park in southern CA and a man approached us trying to pick up on young asian girls (I was there on vacation with my sister and cousin). I could tell he was up to no good (he carried a spanish and japanese dictionary in an old crumpled Knott's Berry Farm bag). I informed the security there and they had him followed. I don't know what else happened but he did try to pick up others after I told him that I worked for the IRS and then started questioning him!!! LOL!

Let us know how you are doing, ok?

take care,
L.