well, im at my wits end. ive lurked around here several times and my signature explains the basics but my latest attitude and reasoning in telling H i want a D is this...we just returned from a belated HM that we went on in hopes of spending time together and reconnecting as a couple. to a certain extent we did, but we also had a few major LB's during that time, the worst of which ended with me crying yelling and hitting my H - i just lost it. h has been so evasive about his A's and on this trip i got some info out of him but of course LB'd again because the things he was admitting to (finally) just ripped that hole in my heart even bigger - and what he admitted to is only the tip of the iceberg. i have tried plan a (not very good at it i will admit) but after returning from the HM ive become very reflective about H and the way he treats me and just his attitude...he still has contact w/OW, didnt tell her we were even going on this trip until 3 days before we left, he has had his celll phone bill sent to his parents address after i saw calls to OW, he has a tatoo of a flag of the OW nationaility (says he "lost a bet" with his friend who is relative of OW and same nationailty), he had a "few" ONS - one of whom gave him an std....okay, is that enough drama for you? the real reason im thinking D at this point is that H has done nada since dday to help mend our relationship, no counseling, no nothing. ive been on here enough to know that i cannot make him do anything but i am sick and tired of being in limbo. i asked him what he thinks he has done and his respose was - "uh; i never said i thought what i did was right" - gee, brilliant, honey. i am so sick of hearing him tell me that im blaming him for everything, that i have problems too and i dont do anything about them so why should he? (i have been in IC since ddayand am trying to work on my issues)the final straw lately is that H was famous for needing to have his "bar nights" with the guys once a week or so...now of course ive found out that half the time the bar nights ended w/H hooking up with someone (after he took off his ring). so, when i told H recently that he should consider spending the time and energy he did at bar night on our relationship instead he was furious - said there was no way he was not going to keep going out once in awile. had the same respnse when i asked him not to go on a scheduled trip to mardi gras in Feb - H doesnt want to give up the deposit after all, and maybe i will be able to trust him by then. AAAARRGGGHHHH!!!! i dont know what else to do at this point! hes making me crazy! i dont think i can live with knowing what hes done - i can get all the C in the world but i'll never forget, and my god i am only 31 - ive only been married to H for 7 months!!! advice? comments? id love some input before the weekend b/c i cant get on a pc on the weekends.

(((((MPLE)))))))
It sounds like he's foggy by not really wanting to try. Maybe it's time for plan b?
DB

MPELE,
Sadly, it sounds like this is a way of life with him rather than a one time error of judgment. The question then becomes: can you change him? Can you change him into a monogamous, committed partner who is honest and devoted? You haven't even been married a year - this is the time in most marriages when couples are the most in love. And you are dealing with this.

My heart breaks for you, but if it were me, I would cut my losses NOW rather than continue with someone with whom a normal marriage was contingent upon a DRASTIC personality and character change. Can you envision living like this for the next 20 years? Or dealing with this when you have 3 kids, no career and a mortgage? Because that is what you are probably facing if you stay in this marriage.

I have to admit that I almost strongly agree with MelodyLane when it comes to cutting your losses.

Something tells me he doesn't seem at all committed.

MITT

oh, do i appreciate your honesty. i think i know deep down that i need to go, and mean it..its just so damn hard. weve been together for 5+ years and he is the only daddy my D has ever had...but i suppose he hasnt been thinking much about either of us when hes been doing all this crap, now has he? my problem is that he has traumatized me so much that i have been in denial about what is going on - its easier than dealing with it - not healthy but easier! he is the master manipulator, too - will be prince charming when he wants to be and sucks me right back in. but when i write down the things as i did in my post and see it in black and white like that it really brings it home - its horrifying. i know i have to deal with my issues of why i feel so little about myself that i would allow someone to treat me this way - thats where im the guilty party. the worst part is that i screwed up plan a by not really sticking to it, and let H move back in just recently without resolving anything...now what do i do? my D has been devastated as well by all this - do i make him leave again? oh boy what a mess, huh?

How sad for you daughter to witness all this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know how this goes and understand what you are going through. It is terrifying to think of being alone even though you know its the right thing to do so when he comes along and says all the right things, its so easy to forget the truth ..............for AWHILE.

And then reality starts creeping back in along with the misery. And the misery of staying is actually much greater than the misery of leaving, because at least if you leave, then you are miserable WITH your self respect. If you stay, you are miserable and lonely without it.

Mpele, I don't know what to tell you to do, because I think you already know. And noone said it would be easy. Just know that if you decide to split, you will get lots of support here.

thanks to you all, i needed this...and melodylane you made me get teary here with your words, but thank you. funny as im leaving work here in a little bit, H knows we are having the talk later and of course is making dinner tonight...honey, a million surf and turfs aint gonna make up for what you have done! well, we shall see how it goes...i do know what i should do BUT - oh you guys hate the buts im sure; i guess it doesnt matter that our relationship was in bad shape for a long time, huh? i sometimes find myself grasping at that because we did both know we were in trouble and did do MC for awhile after OW #1, then stopped going; i am just grasping at straws arent i??! see how sad that is? its funny, ive got that great quote as my signature and even have it on my damn refrigerator - maybe i need to get THAT tattooed on me - its better than the flag i have to look at on my H!! Smiles and thanks to you all - ill check in monday with an update.