I have already decided that I want to file for divorce. I have read 2 of Dr Harley's books and My husband and I have attended one of his conferences. To make a long story short I have exhausted plan a & b and church counseling!....he is back in the house. My husband is still seeing the ow however he doesn't know that I have know. It doesn't surprise me I am over the shock ...I feel a little numb. I know that I have no other choice but to file. My dilema is should I file right away despite my financial standing? Or wait till I finish my degree and paying off my credit card debt that will take me about a year, before I go into the debt of paying a lawyer?

Hi Alsia

You are in a tough boat. This is a great site for the help you need. Since you have made up your mind about filing for a Divorce I think you need to do what is best for you. You can still finish school and get help with your debts. Don't stay in a situation merely because of money. That is just my opinion. There are so many resources in the world today to help anyone. You have to be very resourceful but you can do it. Have you posted this in the Divorce Board also? Im certain you can gain good advice there too from people going through just what you plan to do.

If you think there is a chance to save your marriage then there is alot of help for that too. It sounds like your mind is made up. You have tried and tried. One thing Alsia. Be proud of yourself. It sounds like you have indeed done all you can do and I always say, its better to try and things not work, then to NOT try and never know. You cannot be faulted in any way. You have given it your all. That is all you can expect from a person. Your H will be the one regretting it. RARELY do relationships that stem from an Affair work out.

Im a FWS. If I can help in anyway. Let me know. We have been in recovery for three years now. The wonderful thing about this site is that everyone helps everyone no matter what their situation is.

There are also lots of ways to go about this Alsia without getting really into debt okay. Just letting you know. People stay for fear of debt and no money but if you are strong and resourceful, you can take care of yourself and make anything happen.

God Bless You
Zoey

<small>[ December 29, 2002, 06:47 AM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Hi Alicia,

It sounds like you have made up your mind to leave. It is when to leave is the question.

I would talk to a lawyer find out what is possible in the divorce, what he is responsible for. Find a lawyer who will give you a phone consult free. This would also be a good way to interview the laywer so you can decide who you want to go with. Depending upon your state of residence, it is possible that he might be responsible for the attorney fees because he is having an A. You won't know this unless you talk to a laywer first.

Two other obtions are talk to a credit counselor, pick a reputable one. I was told, that going this route does tarnish your credit, just not as bad as bankruptcy. They don't tell you this. I got this from a mortgage guy were were going through when we were trying to refinance the house for lower interest rates.

Then there is the bankruptcy route. Not the most attractive of options, and the one to avoid as much as possible, but if it is your only option left.

Do you work? Fulltime, parttime?

Do you have children you need to consider?

Are you going to school fulltime or parttime?

Thank you for your responses. I have two kids 6 and 3. I was 20 years old when we got married after dating for only a few months ...so its been a rocky marriage since the begining since the real reason we got marriied so young was b/c he needed his residency to stay in the country...but despite this reason I felt that we had enough love to kinda of work out any kinks along the way. But now I look back and realize that I am the one who has been doing all the sacrificing ...always thinking that the more I gave to make him happy that he would eventually change and become the man that he has the potential of becoming...Now I am 30 and I feel more like a meal ticket. He does not have his ged and refuses to go back to school or leave his low wage job...even though he could find plenty of jobs with the same pay ...I believe he refuse to leave b/c of ow but he won't leave me b/c he would be forced to live w/ his parents

Alsia - if I were you, why stay in a marriage when you are receiving nothing. This is not good for the kids. As far as educational expenses, your husband committed adultery. This is more power for you. He can be addressed to have to pay the attorney fees. Also, you being a young woman, with 2 young children, and single, you can get grants.

Their are woman resources groups that can help you out. I am looking into a group now for a grant for school. Not sure what I can do, but I need to get a final degree in somehting.

With your husband seeing the other woman, is thoughtlessness, uncaring, selfishness. I learned the hard way, my husband was still seeing the other woman, and I wish he had left when the Harleys told him to get out of the house that night. I was wimpy, but you know, this will never happen to me again. If I were ever to have anyone else in my life (which I plan on not), anytime this person acts like my husband did, he's out the door pronto. The only thing you are doing is making it easier for him. He has both parts of the puzzle, you and her. He needs to know that you are not going to settle for this situation, and that you are taking control of your life. You are feeding him, giving him sex, giving him pleasure, taking care of him, he is getting all of what he wants from the other woman too. This is a selfish b*st*rd.

Go talk to a lawyer, usually the lawyer will talk to you one time for free. Consultation hour. But, you need to have proof, evidence of his adulterous life. That is what put me in front, my hsuband didn't admit to his affair at first, and then I had letter, cards, phone bills, money taken from our account, and her phone bills. I even had the statement from hotel 6 that they had their sex in.

You need evidence, the lack of showing support to the kids, which I showed, with the phone calls, and my hsuband calling our kids bad names. The lack of attention to the family, the knowledge that our business was going down hill. The facts that he was not working as hard, and giving the money to the other woman.

This is relevant, and needs to be shared with your lawyer. At the beginning I didn't want to hurt my husband. But more and more, the evidence had to be placed in my lawyers hands. The judge needs to see who is the one who doesn't care about their spouse. And so it hurt me deeply, and the facts came out. I am not proud of what I did, I can state that with a sincere heart. But you ask my husband about his affair. He doesn't say he is not proud of what he did. He justifies his affair.

The one who can say they are remorseful and feels guilty, and expresses shame, and say they are sorry, are the ones who are on top.

I am sorry for all that I did to contribute to the failure of the marriage. Wish my husband would do the same. But will not happen, he is that way.

So you have to look at yourself. Do you want to be a person giving, and giving. And not receiving anything from your husband. Sure, you can be intimate with him, but then know that he is still dealing with the other woman. Also, knowing that you don't know who she has slept with, and who that person has slept with. That scared me, deeply. And my husband didn't want to get the STD and HIV testing done, he said in his own time. Will, that showed me he didn't care about me, only himslef. So that was ordered by the judge too.

If I was you, I would have testing done, and get yourself a good attorney. If you can settle out of court, with a moderator, that is good. But few can do this. Like myself, we were married for 25 years. Yes, my husband only wants to give me 2 years of alimony, we've been married for 25 years, and I haven't worked much, and since 1990 haven't worked at all outside the home. I ran the business we own, without a paycheck. So that is all he wants to give me, 2 years. No way, even the judge said that is unreasonable.

There are many things for you to consider. Talk to good friends, and their are groups that have seminars on divorce. That don't cost anything. I went to one, and was helpful. They give you if not a big crowd, 20 minutes per person to ask individual questions. A lot of your questions are answered in the group.

Good luck, and do the right thing. Think about your kids.

I am sorry to here about your story Cry2much. Thank you for your feedback....I know I have to file inorder for him to see that I mean business ..but I feel so worn out ...just the thought I having to go thru a D makes me ill ..and I know he is going to make it ugly...since I learned of this site I have tried to avoid it b/c just reading a few post made me feel so depressed ...there is so much pain out there ..it should be a felony to cheat on a spouse.