<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,
You know if you react out of anger it's going to be not a well balanced situation on any level, right? You know that. This situation has to be dealt with clarity of mind from all accounts and seeing has he is not operating from that level, you have to take on the responsibility for both, as unfair as it is. But reading your posts I think I can see you calming down and starting to realize that.

About him, well he is still where he has always been, nothing has changed in him for the last year or so. You have grown leaps and bounds, doesn't mean he can catch up Kily, no matter how it seems so practical and common sense like that it should. He might have to be where he is to grow to where you have gone. Does that make sense? This GF, she is not even a major factor in the whole thing because she is not serving any other function but keeping him emotionally where he has always been. I'm not meaning that to judge her, but you are right about God giving us certain challenges to help us grow and learn. Maybe she is his lesson to make him finally come to terms of "WOW, maybe I am not all I can be as a man, partner, human, soul". Maybe she is the catalyst for him to fall as you have fallen and learned throughout all this. So, learning comes to us in many different ways, some people have to walk more difficult paths and then others. One thing to remember, is maybe no matter what is done, said or worked on....this might just be where he is on his scale of learning and nothing can change that now, or tomorrow or in a few years, but he will learn, one way or another. As far as you are concerned I know that does not make it any easier for you but I think you understand a hell of alot more than he does about internal growth. JMHO.

But in the reality of the situation, as it stands now, you do have to consider the welfare of your son and what all factors surrounding that. Getting legal advice is the best for you, so you do know all your options. If you are paying half or most the mortgage, and it is the place you want to raise your son, than this matter has to be dealt with. But the main thing to all my babbling, is that ANY decision has to be balanced from the head and heart, not from emotions such as anger (which is fear as you know, and vulnerabiltiy). When your head/heart is balanced, the words and conditions around you will flow smoothly, at least that is what I have learned through the years on this earth.

I wish you well and I'm sorry if I kinda just jumped in. I have posted some to you, but was mainly just reading your posts until I had something to really say. Take Care.

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,
"In an illogical kind of way, that is SCARY because for me, it means that there's nothing more that I can do.....Does that make sense? It means that I REALLY have to let go..."

Of course it makes sense because you knew that as long as you kept working for the both of you it seemed to be the right thing. But there comes a time that you do realize, I have done all the work I possibly can and now I have to let go of the fact that no matter what I do it will not make H any wiser, healthier, aware...on any level than where he is right now.

So, it comes down to how to you want to go about providing the best for your son, and the patience that it will take in regards to H. Right now you can say with an open heart that you will be there for H, and that; I believe wholeheartedly, but if it continues that he wants to repeat the cycles forever, you will let go of that ideal too. But by that time you will have moved way past the point that you are reaching to be there to lift him. It will come from a different place altogether that has nothing to do with any emotional tie other than the father of your son. Let's hope he wakes up well before that and he figures what are the important issues in life.

I also know by reading your posts that you will make the right choices about any situation because of all the things you have learned throughout your ordeal. Take Care and I send you many blessings.

Kily,
OOPs meant to say this also:

Maybe letting go of the man he is today, will help him become the man he needs to be tomorrow.

Kily,
I don’t know why he doesn’t want you near her. Maybe he doesn’t want the 2 women he has feelings for to meet, maybe he’s afraid his deception on both ends will be brought out. I don’t know, only he does. My suggestion: Sit him down; come up with an agenda for the meeting focused on your son and how things will be handled. As far as your son “finding his way”; well that sounds VERY similar to what my wife is saying right now. THAT IS A BUNCH OF CRAP!!! It is them not thinking about their children, only about themselves. I would insist on this meeting for the sake of your son. Come up with a specific agenda, maybe he will agree to a very public meeting place.

I haven’t reached your point yet of realizing that no one can make you happy. I still think my wife is what makes me happy. But I seem to be in the minority with that opinion, my IC told me the same thing. But, the most important thing is that YOU are happy, and continue to be.

They will wake up and see each other for what the other is, a crutch. I don’t see this as the end Kily, I see it as a new beginning to a VERY hard and long road. They will not be happy together, and eventually they will realize that. It may be a very long time though, and he may never come around to realizing that he has to change to have a REAL relationship. I’m not saying that you should wait around and twiddle your thumbs, what I’m saying is I don’t think you should give up, I don’t see this as the end.

Vent all you want, that’s what the boards are for right? Don’t be angry because he is living your dream, he is not. If he was truly living a dream, and truly happy he would not be so angry and resistant. Your dream may not happen, that is something that you should take a look at. BUT, God’s dream for you will happen. It would be nice if they could coincide, but they don’t always do that.

--------------------------------------------------
All I ever wanted was a stable family life to a committed, wonderful man.....Why is that so much to ask for?
-------------------------------------------------
I have asked that question so many times myself (replace woman with man though). I’m afraid I haven’t found the answer yet. Why is it so hard to find someone who will love you back the way that you love them?

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

AH! Kily,

The journey continues. From what I know I agree with your lawyer. Your relationship with your exBF has been an unusual one in many ways, due to both or your issues.

You sound so much better today. I am so glad to hear it. You are doing well Young Grasshopper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If I were running your life. Your exBF would marry this GF and be very happy with her. You would continue to grow and meet a man with comparable abilities to yours. I think you have much more in you than you realize. You will come to see that no matter how this works you did the right thing by trying to get together with exBF and learning along the way.

You have done so well Kily, you really have.

God Bless,

JL

Kily,
This is lg, please read my latest post and give me some insight, I feel like I'm on this roller coaster ride.

Kily

I have been trying to catch up with your post for some time, and you keep jumping on so quickly it has been difficult to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Firstly, I'm so sorry for you to hear that XBF and GF are to marry. It must have been such a kick in the gut for you. There's not much else I can say, except stay strong stay tough.

I think it was a gooooood thing to get to the Solicitor. I intend to do the same soon, just to know my rights and where I stand. It sounds like this has been a really positive move for you, and one that has helped clarify quite a few issues. Even though I am doing so much better, I sometimes get so bogged down with things, and it can be quite unnecessary. Good for you.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you in cold cold London today.

Stay strong, take care of you and the kids.
Lisa

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,
Hey you sound MUCH better. I'm glad to hear things are starting to swing in your favor. Stay focused, I could be wrong but when he gets that letter he's gonna blow his top. You will need to be focused and prepared for that.

I'm glad to see you have a plan, and seem very happy about it. You deserve your happiness. Excellent move on getting the counseling included in the custody agreement; you never know placing that kind of pressure on OW may just show her what she's getting into. But, either way it's best for your son, KUDO's to you!!

Kily,
I answered your questions in my post, tell me what you think.

Kily,

I have been reading your thread and I am somewhat concerned about your sudden change of heart.
How can you be guilt free? You did serious damage to your H. You pushed him away until his love for you was destroyed. Now that he has found someone else you are guilt free. Come on. These sorts of situational morals are rediculous. Do you really think his open and honest steps of moving on with his life have earned him your vengance?

I think it would mean more to your H if you could actually be happy and supportive of him. He may need to see that from you in order to forgive you for what you have done. Try to be a truly good person here, you destroyed your marriage. You broke your marriage in a way he can't recover from. Please don't begrudge him his chance to build a life with another.

<small>[ February 04, 2003, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: ConfusedJack ]</small>

Kily,
I see that many wiser than me have answered you here, on this latest turn of events.

I do agree it was so wise of you to get an attorney. You need to learn more of your rights, and not be walked upon by anyone!

You are such a good woman, I like what JL said about you finding someone more compatible with you--I'm paraphrasing. You and I have to simply think in the same positive way.

I'm willing to wait longer, but if my exH had a girlfriend moving in, I don't think I'd be waiting too terribly long. Hope that makes sense.

AT this point, I don't know about you--it feels okay/not so bad to be alone, learning to know 'me' better.

H_P

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

I did not intend to flame you, and I am sorry your BF lied to you during your attempts at recovery.

I just go the sense that you had a strong desire to punish him for moving on.

Hey kily,

Just wanted to let you know I am keeping tabs on your "saga".

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do. I am glad that you feel better these days. Take care.

-Luki

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

Lately, I am always in the challenging mood. As you can see from my sig, I am facing my own moral challenges and it is not easy. I am in the process of tearing down all of my survival mechanisms, involving picking up and sleeping with lots of women. This is difficult work and I know the feelings of extreme guilt. I also know the temptation to look for ways to worm out of the guilt. Looking for any action or inaction by my wife or others to take some of the blame off me.

I know each situation is different and it is hard to measure betrayal. I doubt that anyone else on these boards has had as many affairs as I have, but I never left my wife and kids. I'll continue to give you little challenges when I feel I can be helpful. These will probably come off as strident since I have my own struggles and I can't seem to express them nicely.