My wh has been with ow this time since mid November with A going on since August 02. We had a 3 periods of false recovery which were all ruined primarilly by the ow not letting go,and making my h feel extreem guilt towards her followed by jealousy - she told him she was seeing someone else and taunted him with it. She also continued to bash me and our M, which played to his innermost fears about us. The ow is a former friend who knows me well and so her lies will have seemed all the more plausible. She has a young son of almost 4. My h does not like children - or at least has always said he doesnt.
Well, I started plan A in mid November when he left this time. His major gripes were a lack of sf for which I am guilty and the fact that I look him for granted (I let him take on most of the domestic responsibility), didnt make him feel good about himself and didnt respect him. He also thought - fueled by ow- that I didnt love him or care for him.
I had a A which was brief but painful for h 4 yrs ago. We never properly spoke about it, he didnt ask, I didnt offer. I probably let him take the blame for the A which was unfair - fog talk! He has always been concerned that it could happen again to which I would always say it wouldnt and I loved him. He said he stopped worrying about another A 2 mths before his started. He said an A of mine would have been a relief as he wanted out but didnt know how.
Anyway, enough background. About 2/3 wks into our seperation, h started text flirting, then we started talking which turned into heavy petting and then into full sf - this was all over the course of a few days. After the heavy petting started, h told ow he needed space and would stay at our home occasionally. (When he moved out he had said they would be taking things slowly and he would be staying some nights at home, but in reality, he only spent 1 night at home in this time.)
Over the last 4/5 weeks, h has spent more and more time with me and more nights at home. SF has been great! H lies to ow about his whereabouts all the time and denies spending time with me let alone sleeping with me. She is trying to be controlling of him but he lies to her and she doesnt know it. She is lbing, but he rationalises her actions with either being jealous of me or upset with her mum or son - it is never her fault even though she has a very fiery volatile personality. H is conflict avoider btw. We have now started a new hobby together that means we will be spending even more time together and may well go on a short break to enhance this hobby in the next month or so.
I live in our home and look after it, doing the cleaning washing etc - basically all the work h used to do plus the work I used to do. H does v little althgough he does offer to help cook when he is round for food - rare as we tend to eat out a lot! I have also started to look after my appearance more and bought lots of new clothes - all commented on by h. When we go out, most of the time it is great, I have my h back, other times he is v withdrawn and it takes a lot of work to get conversations going. H runs a shop from ho,me and I assist with the books and help in the shop when I am around - mainly w/ends as I work. I am the major income source.
I know my h is a big time cakeeater. He is naturally indecisive and is vv depressed re his business. He has major staff issues and doesnt kjnow whether he wants to own the shop anymore. He is having a life crisis and his A is a symptom of that. I do not know if ow realises what h is going through at the moment or how sad and depressed he really is. I feel he is an emotional wreck at the moment and badly needs help. I am trying to help him and seem to be doing a good plan A and he wants to spend time with me. However, whilst we have talked over the last few days of what life would be like if we got back together and why we shoiuld get back together, he does not seem at all intent on finishing his A. I have asked what she provides for him and what I do not provide. He does not answer, just hugs and kisses me.
Am I being too soft on him. I am toying with the idea of a 180 and withdrawing from him - has anyone in a similar situation tried this approach. Alternatively (but I am not convinced) would making him jealous of me moving on and seeing someone make him stop and think - I do not want an A, but friendly company would be nice - maybe???? Alternatively, I am considering plan B, but am convcerned that if I withdraw all support and leave h to fend for himslef that he may not cope as he is so sad and depressed at the moment.
Any thoughts much appreciated.
LH
