first, I would like to thank everyone who responded to my posts....I appreciate all the advice...

The other day, I found out my H lied to me again...The affair was more than a one time thing...it was ongoing, but he says he has no feelings for the ow...and he said he found no sexual release with her..so why did he keep going back? and now he says it is because she is strong and independant, and she made him feel good about himself...and he says he is tired of being in a dependant relationship, and that the only chance I have of hanging onto him, is if I become strong and independant...he says I cannot love him unless I love myself...the problem is, I don't know how to love myself or care about myself anymore...what self-esteem I had went down the toilet when he chose someone else over me...I want to be the one to make him feel good about himself, but he says I am too dependant on him, and he will never be in a dependant relationship again...he said he built his world around me once, and I hurt him to bad and he will never do it again...I don't know what to do...I am losing him...I don't know how to care about myself anymore...and I don't know how to be strong and independant, when all I want is to be his everything again...I don't want to do things with out him...I don't want friends of my own, I don't want to go anywhere...I just want him...what do I do? He told me to get angry, and no matter how hard I try, I can't...I feel in my heart that I deserve what I got...and I feel in my heart that I deserve to lose him...and I am so afraid...

"he says he has no feelings for the OW"

Wait a minute ... maybe I'm dense or something, but he was having an ongoing affair without feelings??? Then he was using her. Is this consistant with his character? Is he a "user" of women?

"she is strong and independent, and she made him feel good about himself"

Translation: What he's saying is this .... he needs to borrow self esteem from others because he can't make himself feel good.

"I want to be the one to make him feel good about himself"

....??? Are you SURE about that? The deal is this, if you become responsible for someone elses feeling "good about himself" .... then, when things do NOT go well .... guess who is to blame ??? YOU !!! Can you imagine someone saying .... "I don't like myself. I want you to fix that about me!!!" .... what an impossible task.

"I don't know how to be strong and independant, when all I want is to be his everything again"

If you said this TO ME "I want to be your everything" ... I would run away from you. What you want and what is healthy seem to be two separate things. Why don't you want a healthy relationship?

Have you been to ALANON?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

"... and I am so afraid..."

Would you mind doing an exercise?

Make a list of your fears. Start with your worst fear #1 and make a list of fears with decreasing scaryness.

Put a name on your fear. When you say .... "and I am so afraid" .... the hanging off point (NOT naming your fear) makes challenging your fear impossible.

WHAT are you "so afraid" of? If you name it, you'll gain some degree of power over your fear.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

What IS a healthy relationship? I thougt that people who loved each other depended on each other...I thought that if you really loved someone, you would want to be thier everything...I don't feel good about myself unless I can make him feel good...he doesn't try to make me feel good about myself anymore....no one does....so how can I?

Do you have children?

yes i have three children.

Do you want to be your childrens' "everything"?

Why or why not? Do you want your kids to be able to function well and to love themselves when you are not around?

Look at the relationships in your life that do work and that are healthy. "Healthy" leaves room for both people to grow and learn. "Healthy" is flexible within reason.

"Unhealthy" has people cemented and stuck in assigned roles .... and if one person tries to grow or change for the better .... the other cries out "Noooooooo....You have to stay like you used to be.... my happiness depends on your never changing".

Pepper

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>