I think I have finally realized that my marriage is over; I know I was pretty slow to come to this conclusion. This whole situation is just sick; there is no other way to describe it. One day, I pray that my wife will wake up and realize just how bad she screwed up her life and our marriage. But for now she is still living the fantasy and will not give up the OM.

I read an email from her yesterday to the OM saying that she was sorry that she had not called him back sooner but she would call him tomorrow (while she is at work). At the end of the email she said that she was going to take a shower and she was going to pretend that he was in there with her. Ok, that really hurt. After that Plan A went out the window, I told her that I knew everything (no specifics); I knew they were still in contact etc. She obviously denied everything so I went upstairs for the rest of the night. She came up later and got her things to sleep in the other room.

So here I am, doing something I never thought I would do; I have called a lawyer and I have an appointment next week (I am seeking full custody if the child is mine, which I am pretty sure he is). I still love my wife and I know we could rebuild our marriage if she would give up the A and come out of the fog. But I cannot continue to live this way, honesty and faithfulness are too important to me, I deserve better.

God bless all of you. I have gotten a lot of advice and help from this site and I pray that you all have better luck than I did.

Joe

Joe, I don't know your situation but I have to say from reading your sig line it sounds like you're throwing in the towel pretty early! It took my H and I 2 year, we were seperated for a year. We didn't have the Harley plan and looking back I really believe it would have made a HUGE difference.

Again, I don't know all the specifics, but from you described in this post your wife sounds addicted...like a typical WS. It is sick, I agree...but it's curable.

Anyway, good luck in whatever your decision.

Joe:

This is going to be HARD. But the fact that you love your W and child is the very reason you should NOT go to plan B so early. She will say and do things that will be very cruel for a while, probably months at least. Are you in counseling? If you're not, you should go THERE first, before seeing a lawyer.

Hang in there,
-Qfwfq

Joe,

How long have you been in Plan A and exactly what have you been doing? Are you in counseling?

Here is a good article about Plan A and B. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Harley does recommend moving to Plan B when the WS persists in continuing destructive behavior - HOWEVER, it is important that Plan A be used for a while beforehand:

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

{snip}

In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating.

But in some cases, the safety risks are so great that plan B should be implemented immediately, with no time for plan A. In these cases, treatment for the abusive habit must take place during separation, and some evidence must exist that the risk has been greatly reduced, or completely eliminated, before the spouses should return to each other. Then, after being together again, the formerly abusive spouse should be held accountable by others for his or her behavior to assure the other spouse's safety.

In other cases, such as annoying behavior or failure to meet important emotional needs, where thoughtlessness does not reach the level of physical or mental abuse, plan A should be given quite a bit of time and effort before resorting to plan B.

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I have been in Plan A since August (5 months), 2 months before dday. "I" wanted to go to marriage counselling so we went for about 2.5 months. After this she reinforced what she had been saying all along that she did not "know" if she even wanted the M to work, so she stopped coming. She is seeing an IC and says that she needs to figure herself out before she can work on us. Basically, due to the emails and messages, I think she is just buying time until she can work again and her OM comes back from the Middle East (He leaves in about a month).

I am seeing an IC and he agrees that I should atleast consult a lawyer to find out what my rights are. I am not going to leave her b4 the baby is born, I just want to know what my options are.

I cannot stand being treated this way. We had a good marriage, no matter what she beleives now. We were both very happy b4 she met the OM, then she became a completely different person. I cannot live with the person she has become, she is deceitful, cold, and vindictive.

Joe - assuming the child is yours, do you intend to offer your help for the remainder of the pregnancy? I suggest you do because you're assuming this is your child and I guarantee you he/she made no decisions regarding his/her Mom's affair.

I would bet she's got OM convinced he's the father. Assuming you really are, when he finds this out, he'll dump her before he changes the first diaper. Just my humble suspicion. Then you'll want to be the real Dad in all respects and she'll be the real Mom and everything you've done as father since conception will be remembered by all - especially you. You may then decide to work on your marriage and she may be ready.

WAT

WAT

Thank you for your advice, you have a much cooler approach to this than I do.

My W is due in 6 weeks; I do not plan on doing anything until the baby is born. I am going to the lawyer to see what my rights are and to try to prepare/protect myself and my son.

I will not leave/abandon my wife and unborn son. I will not do anything to jeopardize my future relationship with my son because I do intend to pursue full custody.

Joe - that's one of the beauties of this forum - we can help you with controlling the emotional reactions. We've all had them one time or another and we can identify with you, but apply a non-emotional logic to help you find the best action or inaction.

Here's a suggestion for you: read posts from others and try to put yourself in their place, but without their emotions. YOU be the cool head and offer advice. This "practice" may pay off the next time you get stressed and emotional.

WAT