H moved out last nite. He left me his daughter (my stepdaughter) and our daughter, our house..etc.

I had no idea he was going to do this. He never let on that he was going to do this.

He said i made him miserable and she makes him happy. She was my best friend.

He even gave me his house key, he said this is not his home, and she is his girlfriend.

He said he is not going to divorce me right away.

I 2 felt like that @ one time….. I could have given everything up. Wife, family, and house you name it! I felt so ashamed of my actions it seemed so much easier to run…. I have seen the light and no longer want such things… As crazy as it sounds my wife was the one that convinced me everything would be ok and I could hold my head up… He my come around… ya never know!

Good luck!

kuljey:

Do you know about Plan A and Plan B? Do you know about love busters? Can you explain why he would be so unhappy at home?

First off, I would suggest reading everything you can on this website. Right now its real important to improve the situation at home so that he wants to come home and work on your marriage. That means you need to figure out what needs haven't been fulfilled at home and start fulfilling them. T

hat also means that you DON'T love bust him. Love busting will only push him farther away. And just know that many here have been through the same thing and have managed to restore their marriages, so this is not the end of the road. You are in the right place and will get plenty of support here.

Your H probably made a rash decision to move in with the OW and will start regretting it real soon here. You will help him regret it sooner if you don't give him reason to be mad at you. If he is mad at you he can more easily justify his decision to move. No accusations, no yelling, no tears, no begging. ok?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Definately do a plan A. Come here as much as you need to for support. It feels like the end of the world right now. You are hurt and wounded. We are all here for you. Your H is so deep in the fog right now don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Stay strong for your kids, look into ways to take care of you right now.
My heart goes out to you sweety.
Hugs
Layli

Yvonne - ditto Mel and layli. Please read the link in my sig line and all the imbedded links.

Can you tell us some more? Your ages, employment status, extended family situation (and what they know of the affair), similar info about OW - basically everything to set the stage.

Also describe what took place in counseling and your attitude/reactions to your H since discovery of the affair.

we have been together 7 1/2 yrs, married 6 1/2. we have one 5 yr old daughter and we have his daughter who is 10, he left her w/me. we are both full time employed. i had surgery 10-22-02 (when he started the A w/my ex bf.) since then i have had major complications. i have been sooooo sick. he had the 1st part of the A and then sent her a NC letter. he said the things he told me after my surgery were excuses to leave me...dont clean, cook, ...

now he says he has hated me and been miserable for the 6 yrs.

after i found out about the A we started counseling w/a pastor. he SEEMED to help us. i would check his cellphone and we even changed his ph num. the pastor said if there is nothing goin on then he should be accountable for where he is.

WHAT IS LOVE BUSTIN???

now he is living w/a 22 yr old girl. i am 34 H is 35. he says she respects him, laughs at his jokes, welcomes him at the door, promises to have MEALS READY... (we both work funky hours and he gets home b4 me, he USUALLY cooked.)

I am so sad.

Love busting is doing or saying angry, disrespectful things that drain his love bank. You don't want to push him further to the OW, you want to ATTRACT him to you. I take it he feels that you don't respect or admire him? Why does he feel that way?

What do i do?

kuljey,
Start reading everything on this website, hon, starting with the thread I posted above about Plan A and Plan B. You need to start Plan A NOW. When you talk to your H, don't be angry or disrespectful to him. This will not be resolved over night, but the first step is correct your behaviors that have pushed him away.

ditto Mel

This is all classic affair behavior. Do not believe "he has hated me and been miserable for the 6 yrs."

Your situation is very, very, very typical. You will see similarities in just about every other story you read about here. Follow Mel's advice and continue to ask questions.

WAT

ok, i read that plan a and b. but HE DOESNT WANT TO COME HOME. he said he is going to file against me, he will email me the reasons he is leaving me...

so, i am lost, alone. SOOOO DAMN SAD!!!

bump for help

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kuljey:
<strong>ok, i read that plan a and b. but HE DOESNT WANT TO COME HOME. he said he is going to file against me, he will email me the reasons he is leaving me...

so, i am lost, alone. SOOOO DAMN SAD!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kuljey, yes we know he doesn't want to come home. That is where Plan A comes in. You can't make him come home but you can do your best to treat him respectfully and fulfill his needs when you are in contact with him. What are some ideas that you have doing Plan A?

melody lane, i dont understnd the plan a thing.

i am not thinking straight. could u help in this fashion??

kuljey:

Start reading here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5032a_qa.html

And then come back and read the other article I linked in my first post. That will give you the general idea of Plan A.

Can you explain what has been happening in your marriage that makes your H so unhappy? What has been the state of your marriage?

i read the plan a and plan b topics. i am still unsure what to do. because he says he is indefinately staying w/her. she has warned him that this better not be temporary.

so as it seems he is staying gone. seems there is no plan for that.

he keeps calling for different reasons. yesterday i was in the emergency room and didnt get his messages. he was friendly on them.

TURN OF EVENTS--NEED SOME HELP TO MAYBE GET A PLAN TOGETHER: i am supposed to leave next sunday to go see my surgeon (complications) and H is supposed to take me, driving 8 hours. his mom is coming to stay w/the kids. he keeps seeming to try to get out of it. but so far hasnt cut out of the trip. so i have a week or so to work on him.

God i miss him!

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: kuljey ]</small>

talked to H last nite. i asked if this girl and her family are the ppl he wants to be w/for the rest of his life (his dad and mom are very very upset and arent hardly talking to him and H says he doesnt have a dad now?) He said that she makes him happy and he will be there for "as long as it takes".

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??

He is bringing me my medicine that he had promised to pick up the day before he moved out. how should i act?

Tell him thanks when he brings the medicine, and although this might want to make you throw up.. tell him thanks for helping you through your illness and surgery.. -likely he is overwhelmed b by your illness and you do need him more than ever in this type of situation but some men / people/ are just not mature enough to handle a serious illness.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> - tell him you want him to be happy. BE SUPER NICE. Treat him like you would a sick child who knows not what he does.. but do not be condescending. THAt is part of my version of plan a behavior.... NO LB's whatsoever. No crying, no begging, no telling him how sad you are etc. Act happy if you can manage it at all.

It is very difficult to turn this around, but YOU CAN.

I have seen vast improvement in my H.. but in the beginning I flipped out, and had I not... things would of been way better.. and he may have already been home...

Act with dignity, do not embarrass yourself.

My h also left after a 2 yr back injury and also claimed our whole relationship had always been bad... blah blah blah.... wayward spouse handbook 101 p. 1.

They all say this stuff! It is nuts.

People here have been through this.

My h is not home yet, but I have survived this far, 17 mths or so, and I do think there is a strong chance of our marriage being restored.

You cannot change him, but your attitude and actions can help him see his poor choices.

Hugs to you, I know you are hurting. Turn to God right now, take care of you and don't neglect your needs or your childrens... I know it is very very hard. Keep posting.

Hugs, HONEY

<small>[ January 26, 2003, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

It means that no matter what you or anyone else has to say, right now, he's not listening. He's NOT open to hearing anything he doesn't want to hear. Don't waste your breathe! Plus pointing out to him the error of his way at this time will only increase his efforts to dig in his heels and stand firm. Otherwise, he'll have to not only admit to himself, but to everyone else that he is wrong.

Back off! Create some distance! Be as positive as you can be (hard I know). Keep things pleasant and non-relationship. Do NOT attempt to tell him he's wrong in what he is doing...he knows this but will not admit.

Slap on a "happy face" even if you have to glue it till he leaves.

Plan A is working on SELF. You need to first focus on getting yourself well. Right now you should NOT do anything which will adversely affect your body's effort to heal. (I know...stress is hindering this effort.)

Plan A is keeping your eyes on the future and keeping your focus on what is still positive. I realize that there is not a lot of positives in this situation...but find some! Until you're well, you're in a very disadvantaged position...so this must be #1.

Do try to keep this visit about the meds SHORT! This way, you're less likely to lose courage. Tell him Thank You for his efforts, that you appreciate it very much. BE CALM! Be silent if you must!

Good Luck!