<small>[ January 29, 2003, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: spawned ]</small>

Hi and welcome to MB,

Your story has so many twists and turns in it, I am afraid to even ask how old you and your W are.

What I recommend at first is that you do some reading so that you will have the tools to either move forward or rebuild your M. Please read the concepts section above. Go to the library and get ahold of the books, his needs/her needs and surviving an affair both are by Dr P Harley. Also the book : "love must be tough" by Dr James Dobson.

Your W appears to be bis3xual. If so, you may have another set of issues to deal with. Your conduct also is a lot left to be desired but recovery of yourself and even your M is possible. Marital recovery is dependent on both your efforts. Personal recovery is within your control. You also have children so a lot is at stake here.

Read up and post back.

take care,
L.

Yes, I read all the info on this site over the last few days. I know my story is a long and confusing one. I'm 36, W 38. I'm still in love with my W and Plan A seems good, but I don't want to smother her. We have talked about her bisexual attractions but that seemed to be a phase she was going through. She told me that if she was with a woman it didn't feel like cheating.

Hi,

Glad you have been reading up. Can you get with a counselor? I know they are expensive. I have read the books and info here, then used both a counselor and this place to learn and grow.

One important point, know that you can't change your W. She needs to see the part of you that has improved. You have both betrayed each other's trust over a long period of time and need to individually earn that trust back.

Right now with your W's last comments about being with a W not like an A, is bogus. More fogese lies. Denial is what it is. Know this and then keep posting here so you will know how to handle it.

See if you give it your all right now, it will where you out. So pace yourself. Use this time to make yourself the attractive choice in her life.

Use this time to settle yourself down. Setup a secure home for you and the children. Let her see you interact with them. You say she has health issues. How are they now? Is she on medication? Is it working?

Keep posting. The troops of support are out there. It is late for many in the mid west and back east. Some of our overseas friends are already asleep but a few of us run until about midnight!?!?!? I am in CA also but on the northern end. You have a lot of southern CA people down there.

Let's see if Redhat, JL, Pepperband or Cali are up.

take care,
L.

Spawned,
I think moving to San Diego would be a good thing, if nothing else, you should be closer to your kids. If your W is bipolar, with fibromyalgia, there are going to be times she and your children need you there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She had been asking me as recently as Christmas if I wanted to stay married to her and I told her that I thought it was best if we still got divorced. I just couldn’t go through all of this pain again.

But recently I’ve started to have feelings for her again and last week I asked her if she still wanted to be married to me. I told her I thought we could work things out and build a stronger marriage. She said she wanted to think about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You haven't been really clear with each other, she asks you if you want to stay married, you say no. You ask her, she says she needs to think.

Those 2 exchanges sound like you are both a little afraid to open up. Perhaps you both want the other to be committed first, or it's a power struggle as you suggest you feel it is.

If you could both be in agreement to give your marriage another try, I'd wait to move back in together. She needs to stop dating--men & women both before a reconciliation.

If she isn't willing to stop dating, then a reconciliation isn't likely to work.

Either way, moving closer to your kids would be a good thing, I suspect they need more stability than they currently have.

Hey Spawned,

How are you doing?

L.

I'm better. I went on antiD's yesterday, the anxiety was getting to be too much for me to handle. I've got other things going on with work and it was really affecting me.

Talked to W, she said she wants to reconcile but she's scared because of the cycles we fell into. She's afraid that it will happen again, as am I. Plus, she doesn't want to jump into anything with me until I move down there, which won't happen for another few months. I know there's no rush and we both still have some growing to do. This site has been extremely helpful to me.

Thanks for your support.

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: spawned ]</small>

Hi spawned,

Well it is a start in the right direction but don't be surprised if she slips back some. So keep up with your improvements.

You both have the right to worry. You need to make sure you want her back as she is or as she should be.

Make sure you get some counseling with those meds. Keep posting here. Dr Phil's shows are good with info also. Post here as often as you need.

take care,
L.