wh took me to see my surgeon who did my wt loss surgery in tx. he told me the first night i was there he was going to get a divorce when we return to NM. he had said on a tape to me that maybe his waywardness bascially may not last. but now his girlfriend as he calls her is getting heat from her mom (shes 22) that my H (34) is living w/her. her mom knows he is my H. so she said he has to divorce me or move out.

then, i freaked, in the hospital. a nurse had to sit w/me for a couple of hours in the middle of the nite to calm me.

then as i started to feel better i told him that if he divorces me and gets deployed i cannot find out about him and his 2 daughters (one is from a previous marriage of his) would never know about him if he is ok, etc. so he made UP A LIE to tell his "girlfriend". he told her he called his commander and said that he was divorcing his wife and his commander said to not do it now.

i guess she bought it.

then yesterday WH was supposed to take 2 kids to this childrens fair. he said that "GF" was going also. then, i told the kids that and they said heck no they didnt want to go.anyway, he never called me back after i left the msg that the kids didnt want to be around her. i called him. then he said that if he is going to do things w/the kids then she will be around.

what do i do abou that??? God i want him back!

A N Y O N E ?

your husband, the man you knew is not around at present time. he's gone! he's thick in denial, and lies. his love for this woman is so pure, yet he has no problem lying to her about why he's not divorcing you. truth is, it sounds like his plan is to keep both of you around to stroke his ego. he'll continue to do this as long as he can, or until you get tired of it!

this is all about ego. if it was love, don't you think he'd have said to you that he was sorry, but divorce was definite? he's having the time of his life, wife sitting at home in agony wanting him, girlfriend living with him wanting him, and no consequences at all. typical, cliched cakeman!

i read some of your old posts and can only say that sooner or later he'll figure out what kind of girl this is. she pretends to be your friend while badmouthing you to him and then turns around as his lover to say he's no good in bed! what a winner he's chosen!

have you asked yourself why you want him back now? because if it's only fear of being lonely then you're cutting yourself off from any chance of meeting a guy who truly will love you. if it's because you miss the guy he used to be, you might have to accept that you'll never see that guy again.

((((((((kuljey))))))))
I am so sorry to hear of your situation and your pain. However, it sounds like you are doing some things right now to improve and focus on you. That is a wonderful thing to be doing right now. You cannot control your husband's actions right now. You can only control your own actions and your reactions to what he does. There is nothing you can do right now to bring him home to you. All you can do is focus on yourself and make those changes you want to make for you right now. I think perhaps if you start focusing and working hard to make all the changes you want to make in your life, the ones that you DO control, that the other things will fall in place as they may. So, I guess I am saying focus on the things you do contol and try to manage the things you don't control in such a way that they don't impede the progress you are trying to make for yourself. I am not sure any of this will make sense to you or ring true for you. But I will be thinking of you and pulling for you all the way up here in Boston. When you are feeling like you don't have the strenth-I'll lend you a little from up here. Best of Luck and Stay Strong. You can do this. Whatever ends up happening, whatever it is you have to deal with, whatever choices you have to make...You Can Do It!!! We are all pulling for you. All my Best, doingOk.

Keep going to counseling for yourself. Quit trying to figure him out because none of us can figure out WH's!
I would be working on myself for your self esteem and strengths.
Whether your Marriage gets restored or not, you need to be in a position to feel positive about yourself.
Some of these post I read, I'm not sure I'd want the jerk back!
There has to be some good men still left in this world!
Get a life for yourself and quit letting him steal anymore from you.
You can still work the plans the Harleys' give here, but get on with a life for you!
Sometimes the way we grovel makes them disrespect us more! NO groveling!
Sooner or later he'll realize his loss!
But you shouldn't be continueing to pay the price while he dabbles!
I am a BS. But what I demand out of my marriage is H loves me and me only. If he couldn't have dumped OW immediately, he'd be gone because I wouldn't waste 5 more mins of my life with him.
I believe we will get what we accept from WH's. The bottom line is letting them know what we won't accept and sticking with our decisions.

sometimes I feel like many are waiting on something not worth having.
LouLou

Hi KJ - My heart goes out to you. I know just how you are feeling! My H is having an affair with my ex-best friend too. I would say stick your guns and don't let them be around her. It is too confusing and hurtful for them. When and if you get to the point of seeing a lawyer, you could probably make that a stipulation in the visitation agreement. I wish I was able to do that, but my children are too old (17, 19, 22) and are able to make their own choices. Not only was she my best friend but her children were best friends with my children. We lived next door to each other and when my husband left, he moved in with her. We have all since moved and now when my kids go to see their father, they have to also see her and her kids. I also read some of your previous posts and just wanted to add that it will do absolutely no good go contact her. I had the misfortune of talking to OW one night when she interrupted a conversation between my H and I. My H left when she arrived and she is the one who told me about the affair (as if I didn't already know!). She told me that their affair had nothign to do with me and when it started they both said they shouldn't be doing this to Patti...they both loved me!?!?!? You see, they don't care about anything or anyone besides themselves and the supposed happiness they have found with each other. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is hard enough to go through an affair but when the OW is a good friend, it makes the hurt so much deeper. My prayers are with you.

God bless
Patti.

kuljey, how are you doing?

so very bummed. feel like i am a caged animal. i found out yesterday that i have a staph infection of the blood which will require 1 wk of iv antibitiotics outpt or inpt hospital. and its awful but i miss my WH. i have not worked in so long. and i just miss him.

kuljey:

You need to go through this mourning. It is vitally important, and can't really be rushed.

However, if you find yourself being down in the dumps for longer than you should (such as, 3 days solid), then you should speak to your family dr, and perhaps see about getting on anti-depression medication. Don't think of being on the meds as a long term thing... b/c for many of us dealing with a WS, it's not. It is just to get over that hump, so that you can move forward again.

I understand the hurt and fear you are feeling right now. I've been there too. And going through surgery recently, and now having some complications on top of it... well, that's overwhelming at times. But you need to know that you'll be okay. You're a strong person. You've proved that by being here, and sharing your feelings, and having the knowledge that you want to save your marriage.

One of the hardest things to realise on MB, is that if we really want to "win" our spouse back, we have to stop focusing so much on them, and take our lives back instead. It's a hard thing to do, when we've kept ourselves from doing it for so long. But it's the best way to make them stop, look, and listen again.

You need to refind yourself. What interests did you have when you met your H? Any hobbies that you pursued? How about anything you've always wanted to do, but just haven't gotten around to it yet? Make a list (on paper or in your head), and start working on it. Make improvements in and about yourself, for YOU. That's what's going to make or break the chance at reconciliation.

You've read it before, I'm sure, and I'm going to say it again for you: You cannot change your H's actions and behaviours. Only your own can you change. Ideally, he'll notice, and follow suit to a happy and fulfilled M with you. And if he doesn't notice? That's okay too... because you've become a better, happier person, and you can have the peace knowing that you've tried all you can to save your M.

Keep us posted. Vent it out. MB is your safe place... and we're here to listen and empathize.

Take care,
Karen