my wife plans on leaving me in two days.
Yesterday she told me she hates men.
While she was telling me she is leaving she says i do not want to hurt you. Well if thats the case then stay here.
She started asking me what i wanted to do about this or that. All i kept saying wsa its your call. You do what you want. She was getting upset. So i told her what i wanted. I want us to work this through. Get over this hurdle togeter. Grow old together, look back at our memories. The happy ones, the sad ones and everything in between. The road she has chosen is not mine. I do not like it and do not agree.
I want to save my marriage.
Today she gave me a hug for the first time in months!
Refuses to have anything to do with me. Refuses to do anything for me. When i have asked why, she states she does alot for me, cook for you, clean your house, do you laundry. I then said, no i mean just for me? Why do you refuse to be intimate with me as well. Her reply is cuz you yell at me. I have tried explaining that i'm sexualy frustrated, and that i'm really not yelling at you, i'm screaming for you, and yelling for you.
When i asked for her to come home after her job is done, come home to me, come home to us. All i recieve is her staying for hours on the computer.
She will reject my sexual advances time after time. She will refuse to give me any of her other than a peck hello or good-bye.
I have asked can we sometimes have a bedtime together on weekends due to the fact we work seperate shifts. The few times that has happened, was without any romance of any kind. She would roll over and then i would get mad and yell.
We recently got a second vehicle. She stated it was hers. Ok, no problem. Well it was a problem. When she said it was hers, she meant just that. I had to take it to work a few times, look out. So i said if thats the case then i will not repair or pay for it. For a short time it was now ok to drive it if i needed to. Also every time i would drive it, i would leave her a note asking her to call me whe she awoke and if she needed her van. I would call her to find out she was mad at me and crying because i took her van to work and now she does not have time to do what she planned.I asked her if she could just leave me a note informing me she will need her van. Never found a note. But when the blue van would not start, i would take her van, again i would recieve a call at work with her upset because i have her van. She refused to drive the blue van.
ALways rejects me, always refuses me.
The bottom line is, without going into a bunch of issues, how do i save my marriage? Can i save my
marriage?

Step - your wife is frustrated, and so are you. I would suggest that she have her hormones checked. You don't probably know what hormone imbalance can do. I do, and it is really bad. I was going through a hard time with my hormones when I found out my husband was having an affair. I even had an accident on the airplane. But anyways, just maybe through small talk, find out when she is going to see her Dr.

As far as giving her the van, let it be in her name. Fix it for her, and find out what is wrong with the van. This is showing love, and caring.

As far as getting intimate. I would just suggest you two get a movie, and sit on the couch next to each other and enjoy each others company. Or go to the movies and enjoy each others company. Try not get involved into the sex part. Show compassion by holding hands, putting your arms around her shoulders, rubbing her back, her feet, stay away from the sex part, unless she initiates it. Have fun, Valentines day is here soon, show your love for each other.

Why is she on the computer for hours at a time?

L.

Stephan,
I believe I can help. You are now very close to where I was a year ago.

I am going to try and get some very important things across to you, please listen carefully.
Please.

1. You think it is about her, but it is about you. She is afraid of you. It doesn't matter what you are trying to do with the yelling, she is afraid of you. We need to work on you first, and then we can get somewhere with her. If you don't believe this so far, you can stop reading now.

2. You need some basics before you go on. It's like trying to do algebra before learning to add. There are some things you need to learn.

3. Here is a link to some basic information on this site. Please study the basic concepts and read the material about why wives leave husbands.
OneGoings helps for new members.

4. It looks like to me that she stays late to avoid you. Let me tell you how it was with me, and see if you can identify with it.

I love my wife, and I like to be close to her. If she doesn't want to be close, I am hurt. When I get hurt, I get angry. When I get angry, I tell her about it ( after all, she needs to know how I feel) When I tell her, I sometimes yell. When I yell, she wants to get away from me. That starts it over again.

Well, I have found over the last year that when I am nice to her, she wants to be close to me, and when I am not, she wants to be away from me. It has been a difficult year, but now she likes to be with me.

5. I recommend you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" from this site or a library or bookstore near you. There is a lot more to learn than we can tell you here. The basic concepts section refered to in the OneGoing link will help but I recommend you get the book.

6. Get counseling. Many think they can "fix it" themselves. Think of how you love your wife - is it worth loosing her? I recomment the Harleys (you call in for counseling)They are good at what they do, and you need the best.

Please know I am not trying to be down on you, I have been there and I am telling you what I think will give you the best chance.

In the short term.
Be nice to her. There is a better chance of her liking you if you are nice to her. I can't go in to detail about why she is afraid, and why she doesn't want sex right now. That part you will get from your reading. Please go to the link and read as much as you can as soon as possible, it will make a big difference.

There may be other issues, come back after you get a good grounding and talk to us some more.

SS

<small>[ February 14, 2003, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

You're frustrated - and you understand why (lack of affection, etc). Your wife is frustrated too - do you know why? Does she have an affair? The signs (tension, her being torn left & right, outbursts etc) are clearly there. In this process, yelling at her doesnt help as you may have found out. What you gotta do is first find a way to deal with all these little issues like the car. no need to get too excited about stuff like that. on another level, you need to understand (and she too) what's going on on an emotional level with her. What is she missing in you? why is she angry? you really need to dig deep there, listen, try to anderstand, ask more questions, and dont answer back. that could be a first step: just ask questions, and mull her answers over.

Stephan-

All of the posts are DEAD ON! If your W is NOT having an affair, she is well on her way. The computer thing is an absolute tip off that she is avoiding her pain by distracting herself. She is doing an emotional withdrawl on you...

All of the things you described were things that I went through. She is ANGRY, AFRAID, and she doesn't even know it.

Stop yelling. Start reading. Keep posting. Ask anything you would like. Print out the EN's questionnaires and ask her if she would be willing to fill them out with you.

I replied to you on the "JUST FOUND OUT" forum.

On that forum you mentioned your W accused you of poisoning her food. This is not normal. I think she may have a mental problem.

Please talk to her Dr.