Since my husband left I go out with friends on a Friday and Saturday night, because stupid me thinks I am missing out and it's good to get after running kids around all week and getting up making breakfast, making lunches and getting the kids out to school and running them here and there and not getting any help from my H that left. I never felt pretty my whole life, but now people that I don't even know compliments me on how pretty I am and how my good my personality is. Matter of fact every where I go out I get compliments from men. I have no desire to be with them, but it makes me feel good about myself. I cheated on my H 1 1/2 years ago and I regret it and will always feel guilty about it, but we are still married and he is living with the OW, but I would never go with someone, because I love my H no matter what I did or what he did. I wish he would realize everything I ever did for him in the past. He was an alcoholic for the 1st 5 years of our marriage and I bailed him out of jail and put up with his drinking, wetting the bed when he was so drunk,one night stands, but I don't think he remember all the stuff I did from him in the past. Even now that he is living with the OW I still love him with all my heart and soul. I say I hate him one day, but that is not true. I tell my self I can be a better person without him, but it all boils up to still being in love with him.

Bump no one has any comments to help me???

Goldielocks...No matter who you're with, you're going to be a great woman! Yes, you love him and I know that your goal is to try and save your marriage. Continue working on YOU! You have no control over what he's going to do, one way or the other, so keep going on the path you're on, getting out and about, having some good moments.

It's sad but if he had a serious drinking problem for many years in the marriage, and has now cleaned up his act, once the "drunk" is no longer drinking, they often want to change many things in thier lives. Often it is the spouse and family they had when they were drinking. I've got no idea why they don't see and understand the depths the family felt to support them in their efforts to get clean...but often they don't seem to do so. Maybe it is an attempt to move away from all their own mistakes they've made throughout the years. You lived through them with him, now he doesn't want to be reminded...and sadly his family is part of that past. Anyway, just some raddom thought about people who deal with a drinking problem.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can with the cards that your H has dealt you. Hopefully, he'll wake up and see the light before all that love you have for him has turned to indifference. So often the WS has no clue as to what they are lossing, until it's gone.

Good Luck!

goldielocks,

My H is also an alcoholic. I'm sure we could compare horror stories.My has been sober a little more than 3 years. I had finally thought we could have the life we were meant to then he cheats. ( he didn't when he was drinking ) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> He told me last night he feels used. Can't figure that one out.I do try not to bring up the drinking days he seems to have more guilt about that than his on going A. This hurts me more being an alcoholic is not a choice cheating is. I think focusing on our selves has to be our hope.
I had to let him go before he could find his self.
God knows I hope we can have the marriage that I believe we could. Hold on to the good. One day at a time.
kathy

Could you describe the definition of healthy love, and describe a worthy marital partner, then demonstrate that your H meets this criteria.

There are lots and lots of people obsessed with "loving" dangerous (emotionally) people. Dozens of books have been written about the unhealthy relationships people form due to serious personality disorders (their own, as well as those they become addicted too). So apparently this is a big problem for people.

You have given no information that suggests your relationship is healthy in any way, it is impossible (IMO) to have love present under these conditions. Rather one has a form of addictive/obsessive behaviour....meaning one will not take healthy actions for themself, and end these kinds of relationships.

You married an addictive person (an alcoholic), who by definition is incapable of normal healthy behaviour (and cannot love anyone while an active alcoholic). Now he is engaging in other self-serving behavioiur. Love IMO requires mutuality, it cannot be one person "loving" someone who doesn't reciprocate, that is obsession/addiction, because it is unhealthy for the one who loves, and prevents them from taking actions needed to take care of themself.

If you had never met this man, and could choose any man to make a life with, would you choose this guy....if so, why? What traits does he possess that make him a worthy/desireable partner in a marriage.

The reason I ask these questions (and you are not alone, there are thousands of women in circumstances just like you), is to encourage you to think about you, and why you do the things you do, including choosing to continue in such a dysfunctional pattern of behaviour.