I was the unfaithful one and for 7 months we tried to work it out. He says he is very confused and feels it is better if I move out. I am having a terrible time with this. I have no job, no where to go and my world has been turned upside down because of my failure as a partner. He is seeking counseling which is good, as he is not sure if he whats us to work it out or not. Lately I have not handled this very well. I have been arguing with him, crying, begging him to reconsider his decision (obviously not Plan A at all). I read a little about plan B and think this is where it's going. Can anyone help me understand why after 7 months he decided he could not handle things? In the beginning we thought we knew how to handle the findings of the affair and repair our relationship on our own. Needless to say, if I had the information then that I do now, we may not be going through this. I just hope it isn't too late. I am so very sorry for the pain I caused him as well as myself and I guess I am just trying to find out what I need to do next. When I ask him, he cannot give me a straight answer, all he ever says is "he doesn't know". I am confused and frustrated. I suppose that he doesn't believe me when I tell him I will never turn to someone else again and that I can be trustworthy because his reply is "I suppose once you have a job, and a place of your own, I will see how important I really am to you" I read alot of letters in here and I do not know why we have to live separately to fix this. I want to be supportive and give him the space he needs, and I suppose (just like him) I do not understand why all this is happening. I could use some advice and support, unfortunately my friends and family are not giving me very good advice. They keep telling me to leave him. That is not what I want to do. I love him and he loves me. So, I am turning here for help. Thanks

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: Wilma35 ]</small>

You are confused about what Plan B means.

Hold on, there is still hope. Any chance your H would comehere to let out his anger and explore his feelings?

Leave more info about your family... kids, number of marriages.... that sort of thing.

Have you read the information on this site, or have you come directly to the discussion forum?

Pep

I read a little about both plans but maybe I misunderstood what plan B was. I assumed it was bascially ending the relationship. But at this point it doesn't seem to matter because he just told me that we were through. We are not married, been together for 7 yrs and living together for 5 yrs. No children, I have 2 from a previous marriage. I blame everything we are going through on myself. If I would have put more effort into the relationship and did not look elsewhere for my needs to be met, we would not be here. It's not that I wasn't happy with our relationship, it's just that communication was not there. I am not sure I deal with this.

I am sorry that you are in this situation, but glad that you found this site. I was the betrayed spouse and found out about my wife's affair after she unkowingly infected me with Herpes. We are at the six month mark and are doing better, but we still have our good days and bad days. Your husband is torn between working on rebuilding your marriage or ending it. Sometimes an affair damages the marriage to the point that one spouse feels that it is not possible to put forth the effort needed to rebuild it. Unfortunately, that is the risk that one takes when having an affair. In most cases, however, couples are able to put the pieces back together again actually have a better relationship than before the affair was discovered. The change in heart that you are seeing in your husband is a common reaction, which many here refer to as the "roller coaster". I was like that myself when I first found out about my wife's affair. I would want to hold her and love her one minute and make her feel like crap the next. I hear that 7-8 months is often described as a rough spot in the recovery process. The bottom line is that both partners need to want to rebuild the marriage for it to be possible to do so. Sounds as though you need to have a long talk with your husband. I would tell him how you feel about what you did to him. How you feel now about the other man. Why you want to rebuild your marriage and why it will be worth it to him. Also, tell him how sorry you are, as an apology always goes a long way to help ease the pain that your husband is feeling. If he still wants for you to leave, honor his wishes. You were the one who chose to seek companionship in the arms of another man, so keep that in mind whenever you feel anger towards your husband. I truly hope that everything works out for you. Please keep us posted on what happens.

Wilma35 I don't want to give you false hope but the fact that you and your H are still living under the same roof, seems to me that he does care enough about you not to throw you to the wolves. He's hurt because you do mean a lot to him, otherwise he would have used your A as an excuse to get rid of you (he would certainly NOT be going thru an emotional rollercoaster ride).

Just as lack of rest and a poor diet can contribute to a depressed inmune system to be vulnerable to an attack by a virus, so did your unmet emotional needs and your crossing of boundaries (no prolonged contact with a member of the opposite sex and sharing of marital problems) contribute to a weak marriage to be vulnerable to an A.

As far as plan B is concerned, it is a plan that the betrayed spouse(BS) uses when the wayward spouses(WS) refuses to end the A or end all contact with the other person(OP, i.e. lover), and the BS is losing his/her love for the wayward spouse rapidly. It is not a punishing tool but a way of preserving the love left for the WS for if and when the time comes when the WS comes out of the fog(the illusion that the lover and the A are the answer) and is serious about marital recovery, the BS will also want to put an effort towards marital recovery.

Keep coming here as much as you want to get support and to help support others that may find themselves in the same situation you are.

I pray that your H will find it in his heart to truly forgive you and make an effort to be a better H that will meet your most important EN(emotional needs).

Yes, you are a bit confused in your Plans.
Plan B is for a betrayed spouse (your husband) to separate from you because you refuse to end the affair. Since the affair is over (correct?) then it is not Plan B.

I do not understand why all this is happening.
Because of the affair, everything you both thought about your relationship has been turned upside down.

You don't understand why it is all happening. Here are a few reasons.

"I have been arguing with him, crying, begging him to reconsider his decision"

Stop and get a bit of control over what you can control. Yourself. Read MB principles. Ask questions here. Don't react to things he does. Stop & take a breath before you do/say something.

I definately had Plan B all wrong. I haven't seen or spoken to the OM since Jume '02, "D-Day". I had no empotional connection with this person and do not care to. My A was due to feeling uncared for and an excape from all the pressure I had been feeling with my H.

I understand that I do need to get a grip on myself and today is a new day...as hard as it is to pack my stuff up and leave him, I am trying to look up. I take the blame for what I did and had all along. I spoke to H about this and we have talked, he just doesn't think it will work. I have to accept that it is over and move on, which is very hard to do.
I appreciate the support and will continue to come here to talk and support others as this is a very hard and traumatic as well as painful experience on both sides of the A.

I have to accept that it is over and move on, which is very hard to do.
It is not necessarily over yet. You both have a lot of stuff to deal with.

I recommend you give a call to Marriage Builders and talk with Steve or Jennifer, son and daughter of Dr Willard Harley.

The counseling is not about what went wrong, your childhood and all that. It's about how to get things going in the right direction Even if your marriage were to eventually end, it'll help you get to grips with everything that happened. You can do this without your husband. In fact, I'd recommend you call first and see what Steve/Jenn tells you as far as getting your h involved.

I appreciate the support and will continue to come here to talk and support others as this is a very hard and traumatic as well as painful experience on both sides of the A.
Of course there is no need to disappear from here. Lots of support for you here.

chris123 - thanks for your words of wisdom, I will give them a call soon. I know I shouldn't beg, I know I should let him alone and give him space, but it's hard. Especially when I am alone. All I think about is what I did wrong and how to make him believe it was a mistake on my part.

I won't give up all hope, but I must accept what is going on someday as it is too hard to deal with the finality everytime the "hope" I have is shot down. I suppose I should expect him to have a hard heart, but it is so difficult to hear him speak to me in that way, he has been, up until the other day, very compassionate and understanding towards me. Nice and easy to talk to and now he is mean and sarcastic. His tone is very unemotional, angry in fact. I suppose he has been suppressing his anger all this time.
Maybe he has moved on and this is HIS way of telling me without really saying it. He wants to hurt me to the point where I do not contact him anymore. I'm not sure, I guess I am looking for someone in my position to kinda of let me in on this total turn around of his emotions towards me.

I will give them a call soon.
Monday is a real good day! Why wait?

All I think about is what I did wrong and how to make him believe it was a mistake on my part.
Not really a mistake. More of a bad decision.

I won't give up all hope, but I must accept what is going on someday as it is too hard to deal with the finality everytime the "hope" I have is shot down.
Why must you accept anything before you do everything you can? Right now it seems is if you are just struggling to understand what is possible. Perhaps there is nothing you can do, but why not try everything you can first?

hear him speak to me in that way, he has been, up until the other day, very compassionate and understanding towards me. Nice and easy to talk to and now he is mean and sarcastic. His tone is very unemotional, angry in fact. I suppose he has been suppressing his anger all this time.
Probably is suppressed anger. When speaking with him, YOU remain calm. If he's gonna yell, don't yell back. Be strong. If you gotta crack, wait till he leaves and then scream/cry at your pillow.

Maybe he has moved on and this is HIS way of telling me without really saying it.
Doubtful. More that he is upset and doesn't know what he did to deserve this. Feelings have to be worked through from both sides (yours and his.)

If he had moved on already, then he wouldn't argue with you or yell at you. When you have moved on, the person doesn't care one way or the other.

Hey Wilma!

What's up?