Don't worry so much if Plan A seems to be working. Just do it. No matter what the outcome is for your marriage, if you put forth your best effort, you have less regret. None of that, "if only I would have...."
Absolutely! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Any more word on whether he's being put on active duty? I've been wondering about what happens if he does. If he's stationed forward, that may change his thinking. He'd be away from her. And lonely. She may even lose interest in him over a long deployment, if she's smart enough to realize it could make him wander. I've been thinking that might bring him out of the fog a bit. Or, if he's like my H, it could just start him into a new A. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Keep posting here so I can see what happens. Deployments almost ruined my previously happy marriage, they could ruin his A.

K

I don't know your whole story. Sounds like he is a bit early into this A. Let me tell you this. Do the best you can to take care of YOU.

Meaning: Take care of yourself. Look the best you can everyday. Be positive. Do positive things no matter how bad you feel. Once he starts to see this on a regular basis, he will start to wonder about what he will lose if he goes with the OW.

The other thing is the most unattractive thing you can do is plead, beg, whine, and all that. STOP that right away. Be strong and you can save your marriage. He is saying all that now because he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Once he see's how BROWN the grass really is, he will start to think about things but if you cry all the time, look bad, feel hopeless, this will make him want to leave.

How do I know? Im a FWS. Please do the best you can do daily. Come here and talk to everyone. You can save your marriage but if you don't think you can, then you won't. Get it?

Take Care
Give him something to wonder about.....

Zoey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

its been 2 month and 2 says since wh left to be w/ow. he called me to tell me that he needs to take his 11 yr old to get a military id. well, he called this AM and said that he wants me to bring the 11 yr old (way across town...very far) to the airforce base to meet him to get the id. i said i could just pick him up at the reserve center because i didnt know where the one stop was.

he said, OK, like it was killing him to speak the words ok. then he said, no i just want to take her alone, i want time alone w/my daughter. so i told the 11 yr old and she called him to tell him no, she wouldnt go alone w/him.

so i landed up meeting him and following him to get the id. get this, the place was closed. then, he went to show us where the indoor pool was to show us. then i said that tommorow after work (my first day back in several months) i can come back home (long long drive) pick up the 11 yr old, drive her back to base to get the id. so, i told him to call me after work to make sure we are on for sure.

i was thinking on my way home: him kissing her, them holding hands..him wanting to leave me to be w/her... man the anxiety.

he called me to tell me that he needs to take his 11 yr old to get a military id.
What about your ID and one for your youngest? And you can get an ID if they are under 10. This is a very good idea to get one if the military spouse is NOT going to be around. Saves a lot of hassle if you need to do anything.

If your h doesn’t want to get one for you, then tough. It’s not his decision in any way. If you are married and he is active, then you are fully entitled to all military benefits (medical, commissary and such.) He can’t deny you them.

Now for the punch line.
K, you have to STOP THE INSANITY!
You are driving yourself crazy and your driving us crazy too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You need to calm down and stop reacting to what he says he is gonna do. Wait until he does it and then DO NOT REACT to it. Just tell him, “that’s something I’ll have to think about.” When you get off the phone, then you can scream.

You need to be stable for your kids.
Go easy on yourself girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

oh i forgot, on one of these phone calls today he said that one of HIS credit card companies keep calling him..wonder where they got his cellphone number. he said when his 2 wk active duty training money comes I need to send off a 300 money order. i told him when he is GONE (IF HE GETS DEPLOYED) i will take care of his bills. (i say his bills because he 'HIMSELF' took it upon his self to pay the ones he got in his own name.)

about the id thing. i already have one. was going to get a updated one since mine will expire soon. he said i need to update it.

Kuljey,
Last week, I brought up the point Chris has emphasized that you should also have the military ID. Do you already have one? If not get one when you go. YOU ARE MARRIED according to the military.

So...why the heck WERE you thinking of them together, with such detail? It serves no purpose other than increase your anxiety. When those pictures/thoughts come into your mind, RULE your mind.

I always slid my thoughts to laying on a white sunny Mexican beach, the sound of the waves, a cold margarita next to me...but the point is find something that is immediately BETTER for you to think about.

kuljey, all:

An observation: In spite of the continuing anxiety, I note that your tone is much stronger than even a week or two ago. If you look back over your own posts since you came on board, you'll see it too.

All my best,
-Qfwfq

well, since monday he basically read me the riot act tellnig me that ITS OVER, YOU ARE IN DENIAL what can i do. Just wait..i come here to get the ideas for why maybe i have hope...

i am crying less, but the thoughts in my head are not gone. for instance, i talk about this within at least every single phone call i have to whomever. basically that i am still in shock that this is happening, or why could a "friend" do that to another "friend." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

why would my spouse be so selfish? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Why would my spouse be in this MAJOR LOVE already! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

bump

kuljey:

Unfortunately, even a year or more down the line, these thoughts are hard for me to keep under control at times. I think that's why I tried to point out that you're getting stronger. You need to shift your focus from the negative to the positive things that are going on within you. If you dwell on the negative thoughts, they can overwhelm you.

Take care,
-Qfwfq

wh called just now to say he will not be able to meet to get the ID for his 11 yr old today. has to army clases to attend. will call if things change.

that was the end of the convo. i really wanted to say hi, i love u.

went to work today for first time in months. my friend said she could tell i look weak and was even walking like i was weak.

anyway, on the way to work i broke down. when i would usually be on my way to work WH and i would talk. then we would talk when i was on a break. Now, nothing..no spouse to talk to.

Kuljey,
Are you on anti-depressants? If not, seriously consider it.

I was only on Paxil, then Zoloft about 6 months during the 5th, 6th, & 7th separations, but the meds really helped me control my anxiety and make better decisions.

If you don't have a regular physician, you could go through military mental health services. It can take awhile that way.

You sound like you need some help to get your mental & emotional roller coaster under control.

lor, am on antidepressents and on something to sleep.

no i am not dealing with this well. ppl say get over it..like its something that is easily forgotten. i am in shock that is goin on and there does seem to be no hope and that its over. i come here to maybe see some glimer of hope from ppl who have has a WH and a younger woman, a person who is a evil girl....

come here for support..thanks

Kuljey,
Ok, anti-deps already taken care of.

I do sympathize that you have good reason to be sad and upset. Your life has changed in a way that you don't want and that feels truly unacceptable. More than anything you probably just with your H would magically change back and/or none of this ever happened and the clock is turned back so it never will.

Unfortunately, you can't force either of those things into reality.

You have to look at where you are right now and work from here.

The only one you can control is you. And right now, I believe you need some serious support and help. Certainly, keep posting on MB.

You've counselled with your pastor, is s/he still available? Another counselor?

Do you have some real-world friends that you can call for prayer or a talk or a hug?

You won't feel this bad forever. But some behaviors prolong the misery, some help you get through it, some help you rise above it.

If you find you constantly dwell on your loss...a suggestion, take some time and write it all down. Sometimes that helps keep it from being a running film in your mind.

Or set aside some time--20, 30 minutes and do nothing but cry--and rage too if you have the energy. If you have to cry for 20 minutes, sometimes you realize you are boring yourself and you want to do something else.

If you are feeling weak, and appear weak, you need to take care of yourself. Eat right. Exercise--which will help boost your natural endorphins & serotonin.

Taking care of you so that you can cope is probably even more important than Plan Aing your H.

kuljey:

"no i am not dealing with this well."

This will change. You will improve!

"ppl say get over it..like its something that is easily forgotten."

People don't often know what they're talking about. People that believe they're being helpful are often causing more harm than good. You already know that you can't just forget about it. You wouldn't learn anything. These "methods" work because they help people improve their relationships and face reality happiy by learning about themselves.

"i am in shock that is goin on and there does seem to be no hope and that its over."

You are in shock for now, but it won't last!

"i come here to maybe see some glimer of hope from ppl who have has a WH and a younger woman, a person who is a evil girl...."

There are people who have experienced similar situations. Heck, my W's OM (Rat Meat) is 11 years younger than her. Our situation is far from hopeless, and her A was on and off for 11 years, or 12 if I feel sorry for myself and "label" the continued work contact as a continuing EA. Is RM evil? I don't think so. Is he stupid? I sometimes like to think so, but it does me no good to do so. Does he have any integrity? Probably some, but he certainly compromised his integrity by having an A with a M'd woman while he was M'd. But so did my W. And I get nowhere by disrespecting her while trying to rebuild.

This is a HUGE learning experience for all who have gone or are going through it. Try to stay on the moral high ground. There really is no viable alternative. That is not to say that you should be "holier than" your H or the OW. Try to be the shining light here. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier with time.

Best regards,
-Qfwfq

ppl say get over it..like its something that is easily forgotteN
I compare it to a car wreck.

If you are in the car wreck, it is like a terrible dream you are never gonna wake from. You sit there bleeding, waiting for the paramedics to show up and see if you are still alive. Time stands still and nothing seems to be getting done. It’s a nightmare.

The people driving down the road slow down and look and say, “wow, that’s a bad wreck. Hope everyone’s okay.” Then they turn the radio up and forget about the it completely as they drive off to the zoo or to work or wherever.

Right now you are in the wreck and most of your well-meaning friends are just passing by.

Don’t worry about what they say, It is you who has to deal with it, not them.

Hang in there, K. You’ll do all right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

train wreck is what i feel like...right now i am grieving so many things. even just driving to work and not being able to talk to WH is giving me serious sadness.

My heart really goes out to you, my friend..sure is tuff to see all this happen to so many people. I just started on thye ads..hope they will help.. the point here is that we have to stick to Plan A.. being the best Kuljey possible..I am not the best role model because I will start and the go into major LBS...But I'm doing my best..try to stay focused on you...be the best you..we cant bring back the WS.. they have to do it on their own..I had not run in two months because I was so screwed up and my friends have been telling me to go run.."it will be good for you".. ignored until this past wednesdasy.. and then I started.. first day I made it 26mins..next day 1h10m..next day 1h 10m..and its helping me take my mind off this S^&T.. take care of yourself..exercise.. it will do wonders..and believe me.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...PRAY PRAY PRAY.. this past week..my ww came home and told me that it was over with her and the OM..although she will still be working with him.. I dont know howmuch stock to put in that but its a start.. what I am trying to say is that I am praying like there is no tomorrow..let GOD take care ofd the OW.. he will...i didnt think that this could happen but beleive..in GOD..My only problem is that even though God took this guy away from Mrs.MM for now.. I just keep on LBING>> i wont shut up,,, this is driving Mrs.MM further away.. please dont do that.. Just try to be the best Kuljey.. keep taking the ads..exercise.,, and pray.. God will not let you down..and if things dont work out what a wonderful Kuljey will be out here and some man is going to hit the jackpot.. to have you in his life.. take care and keep your chin up.. force yourself to smile..