I have seen a lot of posts about people going through false recoveries. I can't remember seeing any specifics about what that meant to the people involved. Did your WS go back to the other person after a while? Was one or the other of you not willing to meet the others EN at that time? Does it mean different things to different people or does it mean the same thing to everyone? Just curious.

False recoveries:

WS comes back and continues to live a fantasy lifestyle. Maybe with some limited contact with OP and still leave pain and doubt with the family. Eventually the BS and family learn not to keep going that route. In fact it gets quite boring.

Events can range from BS kicking ws out, ws leaving on their own, separation, ws going to jail, divorce, ws marrying op then leaving op and going back to the family, etc. These events can be repeated to various degrees several times.

While it is not entirely up to the BS how many times this happens, the BS learns they have more control each time than the previous. BS learns to put up with less and demand more. When that does not happen the false recovery is identified and action is taken.

Hope this helps.
L.

In my case, the false recovery was not b/c my H went back to an OW, but b/c he never dealt with his primary addiction in the first place... the porn. So because of that, my M really didn't have any hope of being repaired anyways. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My fault in it, was that I jumped into "recovery" too fast. I didn't have my boundaries in place yet, and I was too willing to back down on them, all for the sake of "having my H home again". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Boy did I learn a good lesson the hard way!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

A true recovery, is one that keeps the M in tact, and in a fruitful and fulfilling manner. The EN's of BOTH partners are constantly being met, POJA is an everyday thing, and both parties learn from their mistakes of the past.

Karen

So the best way to avoid a false recovery is to have your conditions and boundaries set in stone before the WS comes back. That seems like a no-brainer but I can see where someone would be so relieved to have their spouse back that they let their gaurd down.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
So the best way to avoid a false recovery is to have your conditions and boundaries set in stone before the WS comes back. That seems like a no-brainer but I can see where someone would be so relieved to have their spouse back that they let their gaurd down.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And so the fearful BS, who's just grateful to share the same air space with the WS once more, becomes the enabler of the false recovery.

It isn't until the BS accepts the very real possibility that his/her M may not survive and makes peace with it, that s/he becomes strong enough to tell the WS that s/he does not want the WS to come back, unless s/he willingly agrees to the conditions and boundaries needed for establishing the foundation of a true recovery.

Ironic how the M has the best chances to be saved when the BS no longer is afraid to divorce the WS.

dittos TOOmuchcoffeeman,

that's exactly what happened in my situation.

we had a 3 month false recovery where my husband went to counseling with Steve Harley, continued to live in his own apartment and date other women.

When i cought him, made peace with myself about divorcing him and accepting that my marriage was over, i served him papers and got on with life.

And THATs when my husband decided to do wwhatever it took to fix us.

False recovery is when the BS doesnt draw firm boundaries because they want the WS back so badly...and the WS tries to hang onto the fantasy.

It falls apart pretty qucikly because it just can't work without both partners acting from healthy honesty, self-respect, and willingness to do 100% for the relationsohip.