today my 5 yr old picked at a plant while we were at my mothers and found there was white stuff in it. she drank some. she immediatly got sick. pain and hot in her throat and mouth. i gave her water and milk then ice and i immediately packed up and left because the drive is 40 minutes. i talked to poison control while on the way and because of the way she was acting they said go into the ER. i called my grandmother to go meet me there so incase i dont get ahold of her dad/wh she will be there w/me. i was so scared and nervous. he answered his cellphone when i called him and i told him what was goin on. he said OH. i said ok, u dont care. said he did and would go to the hospital. so my grandma told me she would stay till he got there. well i was 20 min away from hosp when i called him and he didnt show up till after we had been there awhile. i had him take the plant sample to a nursery to be identified. he was gone just a little bit and came back. by this time they were givin her charcol w/choclate in it. she of course did not like it. the nurse and i were getting her to drink it little by little. WH was getting impatient. kept looking at his watch. so the nurse left us to get her to drink. we got her to take a big drink and she gagged alot so we stopped. i said lets give her a break. so we cleaned her up and gave her her little stuffed dog and cat to hold. she sat in the bed and played a bit. he stood there looking at his watch. my grandma was going to be leaving i could tell by her packing up. then he proclaimed that he is not going to just stand here while she is playing like i used to stand here when you were in the hospital (he is referring to after my surgery during his affair time i had lots of problems and had several er visits.)i said jon this is your daughter, she needs you here and asked for you. he kept saying the same thing over and over..not going to stand here.etc. i said what is so important that you have to leave. my grandma finally said just go ahead and go. he yelled at her excuse me. and she yelled back get the hell out of here. he said yelling in the er dont tell me what to do. then went at it..her saying he is a pig telling him that his pig (ow) is more imporant than his daughter. he yelled at her back that she needs to shut up and assorted varieties of bad things back. so he sat down in a chair and glared at her, this provoked her to go on and say that he left me when i was deathly ill and his pig is more important, that i was his responsiblity. she kept saying that she (ow) is a pig like him and he left. she almost had a heart attack there. his oldest said i knew he didnt care. my grandma went to her car to see if he did anything to it. when she was gone i called his cell. i said what was more important that you had to leave. i said please please tell me what was more important. he said he wouldnt have left if my grandma didnt yell at him. i said that he kept looking at his watch and should have stayed regardless for his daughter. he said he would have. i told him that his daughter needed him and that he doesnt care. also i threw in that he is showing his true colors and all she said was true. he hung up.

so..i feel like the i just found out about his affair. in shock..deer in headlights...

he is wanting a divorce from me. but it seems like he is leaving his kids also...and like i said the oldest (his daughter) does not want to talk to or see him.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

KUL,

I am so very sorry to hear about the chaos and heartache he brings into your world....

I am sorry about your little one....hope she is OK...my three year old found a glass thermometer ..when I found him and it there were mercury balls all over the bathroom floor and he had the glass thermometer in his mouth...

"Poison control can I help you?
ohhhh it's you again ms. ark??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kuljey your husbands behavior is despicable....and even just more proof of his inevetable crash and burn....

The thing that strikes me over and over is that he has not just abandoned you and the five year old that he is the dad of...but also his eleven year old....and again and again...you are one hell of a great mom....keeping that child safe and proteceted...you have great strength and courage...and are doing what is best in keeping a child feeling safe...

imagine what it must be like for her...to be abandoned by her father....for a twenty something old girl....what 10-11 years older than her...and with not even her own mom...but her (wonderful wonderful) step mom...what a sick bast*rd he is.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Again just more proof that he is running from reality...and when he finally has to face himself...he's not gonna look to good....
If I were you I would seek legal council and see what you should do to show proof of caretaking of this child...I would be terrified for her if he tried to take her into his sick sick world of OW....

start a file of all of your expenses that prove you as the MOM...(mom of the year as far as I am concerned)

DON'T contact him
DON"T engage him
let him stew in his actions...
DON"T speak for the eleven year let him hear from her...let him hear the words from her mouth...
DON'T bad mouth him in front of them...but for me at times that would be saint-worthy behavior....but try your hardest....

twenty year old twit who think there is anything noble about a "man" that abandons his children has jello for brains...and not worth your time or energy...

this ain't over kul....hold tight....quit imagining what they have is anything but crap built on a deck of cards...
he is acting pathetic right now....

Yvonne your alien induced fog for brains hubby has "me" so fired up...that I am personally offering to come to where you are...and take the same plant your little one tangoed with...and shove it up his butt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm sure pepperband would assist me if I begged her to....

do not sign any quick divorce kit papers...if they are still at your house...I suggest letting the five year old play with some maple syrup on the table right next to them....and putting them in the mail....

blessings and serenity to you...
are you taking care of you as well
find a support group...
drive the happy hubby with twitwoman thoughts out of your head...he is living in dumpsville...with out a doubt....

ARK

waking up this morning, i am broken hearted that this took place. i feel its like the A all over again. he now shows his true feelings for his children. and b4 it was he showed me his true feelings for me.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

after i got ready for work and started to get the little one (the one that was in er yesterday) dressed for daycare i found she had her face full of blotches and two circles on each cheek that are raised and feel rough... Soooo i called into work and took her to the doctor. they said probably a allergic reaction to what happened yesterday and hives.. driving over to the doc and driving to walgreens then home i was pondering the fact that WH has not called to check on our daughter. then i was thinking why do i have to call into work and he doesnt help. i lose pay plus the abcenses add up and then it goes against you up to firing. even w/doctor note, etc. he is getting away scott free! makes me angry and sad.

i feel like i just found out about the A yesterday except w/o the crying.

He’s just being a jerk.

So if he divorces you, is he going to keep your step-son or is he going to go live with his mom?

the 11 yr old is a she. her mom has not contacted her in over one year and her dad obviously doesnt give a s@#$! he is leaving her w/me. i have no legal rights to her, and am not her bio mom, but she wants to stay w/me and her sister. the 11 yr old is so disgusted w/her dad she now says she does not want to talk to him or see him. he told me you can raise her and i am not giving you child support.

chris(ca123) or ANYONE how can a father just act like he did. i am reliving the moving out, finding out about the A. it absolutely floors me that his daughter is not important enough, that he doesnt even want to know how she is doing now. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

i have no legal rights to her, and am not her bio mom, but she wants to stay w/me and her sister. the 11 yr old is so disgusted w/her dad she now says she does not want to talk to him or see him. he told me you can raise her and i am not giving you child support.
If it comes to a divorce, you could possibly end up with legal custody. If you do, then he WILL pay child support.

I don’t know how you might get custody though. Get appointed as legal guardian or something like that.

bumping up for response to what WH did at ER..

thank you.

Yvonne,

What I want to do is give him a good bump to bring him back to his senses!!! Ooooh good thing I am way out here. LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am sorry he is being such an a _ _. Surely you and children deserve much better. Love those girls and you all take care of each other. His fantasy will not last, though his anger might.

Protect yourselves from that. Hug those little ones, look like they have been through the mill also. Remember he has to see himself in the mirror so you are not the only one being reminded of his acts. Don't worry, he knows.

take care,
L.

There is no doubt that your H was being an [censored] at the ER. But you know what? So was your mother.

If you want to work on plan A, you need some help from your mum. Although it was your mum who LB'd BIGTIME, it is YOU that will be blamed for it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The fog, you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I suggest you talk to your mum, and ask her to refrain from saying those things, no matter how true they are, because it is NOT helping your situation right now. Give her some information on how to deal with her frustrations... such as a counsellor, groups, journalling, online support systems, etc. She too needs to vent it out.

Your mum doesn't want to see you hurting, just as you don't want the girls to hurt by their dad's actions. It's a natural instinct in those of us who are NOT infected by moose brain worms.

I too, understand your hurt. Yes, your H acted spoiled, and immature, and deserves one heck of a grand whack of the MB fairy's 2x4. HOWEVER, have you seen the positive side to it?

He showed up.
He took the plant to the nursery.
He came back to the hospital.

That's pretty big stuff, for a WS. Personally, I'm impressed. He doesn't deserve a medal of honour or anything like that, but at least he answered your call and showed up. (my H didn't answer his cell phone TWICE in an hour when I called to tell him that I was going in for an emergency c-section with the twins (I had left messages both times I called)... he had apparently so desperately wanted to attend their birth, yet didn't bother to show. It turned out, he was on a date with OW#1 that night. What kind of priority was that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

When you have the chance to calm down some, and you talk to your H next (I don't know if you should go out of your way to do this or not... it's up to you), but you should thank him for showing up, and taking the plant sample to the nursery, etc. Perhaps you'll want to tell him that you were embarrassed by your mum's actions, and have requested that she refrain from anything like that in the future? Again... it's up to you.

I'm not sure where you are legally, or where you're living, but in Ontario (where I am), if I were in your situation, I would get a sole custody order from the courts a.s.a.p. Even if it's only a temporary order for now... it would take one of the huge issues out of the way. You could even request that you not have to contact your H in the event of an emergency with the children, just so that you won't have to go through this kind of situation again... God forbid one of the girls needs attending to in an ER again.

Karen

One of our kids was seriously ill for over a month, and her dad never once called or emailed to see how she was doing. He saw her for dinner several times during that period, and it was obvious that she was pale and had lost weight that she could ill afford to lose, but if he noticed he never said a word about it.

Yet when he and I happened to be together at a meeting when another of our kids got hurt, he asked if he could follow me home, personally bandaged the wound even though I know the sight of blood bothers him a lot, and comforted the child, just like the caring father he used to be.

Apprently he can completely turn off any feelings of concern for the children's health when he is not in their presence, to the point where he is allowing our daughter in college to go hungry.

my daughters father (the WH) has still not called to see if she is ok or what ever happened at the ER. ppl say why should this surprise me.. i say OMG... i guess cuz i have such a deep commitment to my children (one of whom is not my bio daughter) it hurts me. she keeps askin for him, she crys at night. the kids are the ones who keep on suffering.

i am sure him leaving will be construed to his mommie that it was my fault he left. (cuz of the grandma chewing him out thing.) like i have said, she just got fed up with him saying he HAS TO LEAVE. nothing should be more important than your kid--and especially since he has weekends off, he didnt have to go to work or anything.

my freakin anxiety is bad again with all this. i have so much anger inside now. that stupid whore she is more important than his kids. i know i am not even close to being important, but his offspring...

i still need help understanding.

Yvonne what kind of H and father was he pre A? If he wasn't that good to start with then I wouldn't expect too much but if he was a good H and F prior to the A..then just maybe he'll come to his senses.

I agree with Topie...at least he showed up at the hospital...more then some would have done.

You can feel your pain and anxiety loud and clear in your posts...I feel sooo bad for you and your kids!

That being said...you need to get a grip! He will never come out of the fog as long as you are giving him reasons to stay in the fog. From reading your posts it seems that sometimes you do a good Plan A and others you let your anger/desparation shine through. You need to find a way to be consistent...even if it ends up being over for you and your H...you need to be strong for the kids. Don't give him a reason to avoid the kids, if he's too afraid or angry to deal with you...he'll avoid the kids, as well.

If you haven't read Torn Asunder I would highly recommend it..it has good suggestions for going through the stages, it has a section on kids, it also has a section on how to have a "good" divorce if the M can't be saved. Having your H read those sections might start behaving now.

What are you doing for yourself? Are you in IC, can you start exercising yet (there are lots of activities to do with your girls..walk, bike, play catch, dance, etc), are you on medications (Zoloft helped me alot), are you trying to eat healthy, are you resting, have you tried going to a day spa? You need to take care of yourself...what will happen to your girls if you collapse?

You need to show yourself, your H and your girls that you are a strong woman and can't be broken. Even if you start out forcing yourself to go through the motions..eventually it'll become more natural.

Take the kids to the zoo, museum, movies, picnic...anything to get all of your minds off this...show them that life can still be good...that's there's hope even if Daddy doesn't come home.

You can do this...just sit down and write up a plan and stick to it...one step at a time..one foot in front of the other!

What does your support system look like? Sounds like you have people who are supporting you but in a negative way. Do you have friends/family who are encouraging you to be strong and helping you to strengthen yourself or are the just helping you focus on teh negatives. It was important to surround myself with people who were trying to constructively help me...people who wouldn't just tell me my FWH was evil (they knew he was a good guy who went temporarily insane and screwed up big time), they also nicely pointed out that I wasn't perfect and lots of things for me to work on about myself.

Remember TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!

Kuljey,
I'm really sorry your H is making the transition from bad husband to bad father, possibly bad man.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i am sure him leaving will be construed to his mommie that it was my fault he left </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would think it would be a tough sell to his mom to blame this on you. He's man who has left his family, is living with a young girl, and isn't take care of his bio daughter, even threatening you he'll NEVER take care of her financially. Yuck. If his mom thinks he's on the right track, you know some of his lunacy is genetic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

Have you communicated lately with the physician that prescribed your anti-depressants? If you are medicated and feeling this much anxiety, maybe you aren't on the right one or need an adjustment in the amount. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, you sound really down and if your meds aren't working, you need to look into it.

For right now, make those kids your priority and let your H wallow in the mistakes he is making. Plan A when you see him, but try not to focus on WHY he is such a jerk. I don't think you'll know the answers to that for awhile, if ever.

wh left a msg on my cellphone today. i never called back. he said he was calling to remind me to do our taxes. (he wants money.) then he lastly asked how our 5 yr old is doing. said that i probably think he doesnt care, it wasnt cuz of OW he left..blah blah blah. I guess the phone didnt work sunday nite, or all day monday..HMMM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

as the my ADS i am seeing a psychiatrist (spelling) at the end of the month to evalutate if i am on the right meds.

my family and friends are trying to convince me he has done me a huge favor and that any bad (but honest) stuff i say to him or his mom will just make me look like the bad one. that if i tell the mom the bad stuff about the ow it would push her to give the whore a chance.

all day i have been weepy thinking about the future. thinking about the whore going on trips w/my kids. makes me ill. after he admitted affair december he told me she said she didnt like the 5 yr old. that she is a fu!@#$% brat. i feel that i wouldnt want her around my daughter.

anyway..my daughter is fine today. all recovered from the plant she tasted.

my poor 5 yr old keeps asking for her dad. its so hard to think of what to say. i am so tired! when WH was with us we shared these responsiblites. and whew...i am getting exhausted.

i still cannot believe it took him two days to call, and he discussed the freakin taxes 1st no less. arrrrr.

bump up for responses

I say that the two of them are still living in fantasy land. OW has the benefit of going through her days with your husband without having to deal with the entire package that comes with him (ie- the kids). Your husband also gets to continue to see OW in her own element (bed) without having to see how she would truly fit into the life of being a stepmom/parent figure.

I know that you say that you don't trust OW to be around your kids. It's not easy letting go and putting the responsibility for how she treats the girls on your husband's shoulders, but maybe it could be the wake-up call that your husband needs. You said that OW said that the 5 year old was a brat and also that the 11 year old was very upset with her father over this.

To me, it would only seem fair to give their budding relationship a taste of the real world and allow them to see what they can expect from any relationship that they have together. If it were me, I would send both kids over for an entire weekend and/or as often as possible. Your husband would get the joy of listening to OW gripe, whine, and complain about the kids since she would be around them more than enough to show her true colors. He would also get to see how well she DOESN'T get along with them. Maybe that would make him wake up and see this woman's faults.

On the other hand, the OW would also get a reality check. She would realize that any relationship with your husband would be a package deal. Since she doesn't like the package all that much, it may give her second thoughts about how much she wants to be with your husband. Right now, she has what she wants. She has him without having to put up with the kids that come along with him.

To me, giving them time alone without the kids would be like giving them a paid honeymoon. It's bound to be giving them the break from real everyday life so that they can focus on nothing but each other. How sweet. Maybe I'm a bit of a spoil sport, but I'd be the first to let them know that there is more going on in the world than just each other and that there are thorns on EVERY rose. I'd try to make sure that their rose has the biggest thorns on the bush while picking the thorns off of my own rose. Heck, I'm not beyond letting loose a few bees their way for that matter. Let them decide how sweet that rose smells after getting pricked and stung a few times.

You said that your husband looked like he had aged quite a bit while he was gone. Let's see how much he ages once his wonderful OW gets around the kids and stops being soooo wonderful. You have OW beat in the family committment category. Now it's time to let your husband realize that for himself by giving OW opportunities to show her true colors to him. Right now, that may not be important in their relationship, but the more the kids are around the two of them, the more important it will become.

Just my two cents, but I know it's easier said than done. No sense in allowing their intimacy to build in an kid-free environment when that is not how any life that they had together would be. It's quite possible that OW might come to resent the "package deal" and your husband could come to resent how poorly she handles the kids.

bump