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Chris,
Thanks for pointing out the technical definition of what Harley meant by Plan A.
I still think the underlying idea is to have the WS fall in love with the BS. Otherwise, why try so hard to fill their love bank?
In my case, I don't think I accomplished much. W simply realized that OM can't give her anything financially and she would lose too much socially by going that way.
-AD
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I still think the underlying idea is to have the WS fall in love with the BS. Otherwise, why try so hard to fill their love bank?
The underlying idea is to save the marriage. PLan A is not so much about filling the love bank as much as it is about preventing the love bank from draining. Stop all love busters is the first rule of Plan A.
FIRST, the affair has to end. Then you can work on filling the love bank.
In my case, I don't think I accomplished much. W simply realized that OM can't give her anything financially and she would lose too much socially by going that way.
That is almost ALWAYS how it is. Affairs don't end because they fall back in love with the spouse. They end because the affair is no longer exciting and they see the op as not a whole lot different than the bs. Life gets in the way.
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Not on the Plan A topic but, on the whining child topic.......
I have a recommendation. Get the book called 1-2-3 Magic
It works pretty well. I try to use it with my children and people are impressed when I look at my child in a public setting and say "That's 1" and the behavior stops.
The key is no emotion. No explanation. And be consistent. But both parents need to buy into it.
There is a video also. The program was recommeded by my son's school.
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AD, I think the idea of a marriage ceremony reinforces the commitment of everyone who attends -- we all see ourselves through the couple who is getting married. Ideally, it should be positive for everyone. I think your W experiences that, too. It may conflict with other feelings, which she sees as more "real."
Anyway, very traumatic day. Can't write now.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong>on the whining child topic.......
I have a recommendation. Get the book called 1-2-3 Magic
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cinderalla,
Thanks for the tip. I'll check it out!
-AD
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin: <strong>AD, I think the idea of a marriage ceremony reinforces the commitment of everyone who attends -- we all see ourselves through the couple who is getting married. Ideally, it should be positive for everyone. I think your W experiences that, too. It may conflict with other feelings, which she sees as more "real." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That makes sence. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Anyway, very traumatic day. Can't write now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's 'appening? -AD
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Brief update:
We skipped the wedding.
The vacation was ... awful?
Well, it was awful, but sometimes enduring something awful together can be a bonding experience. I can't tell yet.
-AD
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Let us know how you're doing, AD.
<small>[ August 24, 2003, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>
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Jeepers, A.M. I am SO glad I'm not you right now.
Just before I implemented Plan B, I dreamt that my house was burning down around me while I was doing housework.
Having that show up in reality would be just toooooo scary and strange. Other dreams have done that, and I just don't need that one to show up.
I hope that there was not too much damage and that everyone came through the trauma without injuries.
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<small>[ August 24, 2003, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>
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AD -- Shouldn't you rename this thread with something a little more upbeat?
<small>[ August 24, 2003, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>
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Yay, someone who ought to post to me. Neato!
And I'm glad there was no major damage. Trees on fire. Jeepers, I'm glad I wasn't there -- that's how the dream started!
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AM and AD-- just checking in on you two. AD, I don't think you failed. You don't have a lot to work with, in your situation right now, and while you did not accomplish everything you set out to.... I think you did alright.
AM, you continue to amaze me with your strength. I could not do it.
As for me, the D was final on 7/31. We see or talk to each other weekly or more. I am taking a trip next week, and he is house & cat sitting while I am away. He bought himself a new Harley, they must have been having a MLC special?
Oh, and oddly enough, since the decision to D, the tension, sullenness, etc just disappeared. He is friendly, charming, helpful. He wants hugs when we part. Go figure.
You guys hang tough. I wish only the best for you.
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Squeak,
Thanks for the update. I appologize for not following your news on your other threads. I'm glad that things are less tense now for you and that you are "getting along" with your XH.
-AD
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>AD -- Shouldn't you rename this thread with something a little more upbeat?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Done.
Is that better?
-AD
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin: <strong>Let us know how you're doing, AD.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for asking. Things are mixed. W seems to be trying to atone for LBing me on the death march, I mean Vacation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We drove two days there, didn't see much, drove two days home. I think the next trip we will be flying. -AD <small>[ August 27, 2003, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>
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Flying sounds like a good idea. And I think you are right to avoid the car stunts. I used to do those in my younger days. Don't know how many times I fell asleep on the road. I'm lucky to be alive, and would never do it again. All it takes is once for one of your legendary BILs to become an obit.
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Just bumping this old thread up in case my XW wants to read it.
-AD
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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