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Lisa in London wrote:
"Blah...we have talked about you giving this your all for 6 months."
Lisa,
Let me tell you exactly what happened and exactly what is going through my mind. I am going to be brutally honest and my conduct has been just unbelievable. There was no contact last week and Saturday I met OW to discuss our lives. I stopped talking to her, but continued email, and sent her poems and maybe hopeful ideas about us, even if we end it.
My wife and I were together on Sunday, we had an OK time, and she started moving in my place, but I was a little hesitant. We had a big fight and it made me very scared that this is not going to work. We talked about it but I am still very leery.
Monday I had missed my wife's calls and she became suspicious and called OW. She discovered my emailing OW and demanded that I stop. OW called me. Then I talked to OW all day, trying to hang on. I asked OW what she had planned to tell me to work things out on Saturday, she refused and told me to go back to wife. We were agreeing on NC and she mentioned coming to see me to end it in a "nice way." She came yesterday and we had sex. She told me she was going to tell me Sat. that I was invited to a wedding with her and would finally meet her daughters then (to make me happier about us). She gave me a Rod Stewart CD that is all love songs...She left yesterday devestated, crying, and I felt so terrible...wondered if this is a mistake.
And for my part, she planned to give me a gift and in my stupid logic thought I would too. I gave her a blank card with my address for her to send to me, a photo of me, and some little notes endearing to her and saying I am leaving her for now but may someday come back.
My wife know I saw her yesterday but does not want to know anything else, she says. I know I am not really making progress except I had no contact so far since yesterday. I feel awful, I look at my wife and think about my lover. I wonder how I can ever feel like I want my wife, or do I even want her. I think about the 6 months like you said...but now I am trying to weasel out and say well "see how the first month goes". I am thinking about how as days go by OW will fix her mind on me being out of her life. I called the paralegal to find out when my deadline is to send my divorce petition that I have held since January. I guess I have made no real progress. OK time to get slammed by everyone.
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The actions you posted shows:
1. OW wants you back.
2. You don't want your W
3. You and OW deserve each other.
Question: Why should your W want you back as is?
Why do you think NC since a few hours
but s3x yesterday puts you on a path
of recovery?
What would you say if read the same
info from someone else?
L.
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Blah,
I wish you would do your wife a favor and go to the other woman for good. Do you think you are some kind of prize, that you can just go back and forth because it is all about you? Get real. You are a selfish man and no matter what your wife has done, she deserves more than you. I think you and the other woman are made for each other- since you both are obviously still liars and cheats. Quit being a cakeeater and go to the other woman - your wife can do much better.
<small>[ May 21, 2003, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess I have made no real progress. OK time to get slammed by everyone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right, you've made no real progress. You've made no progress.
I find it odd that you post here, asking to get slammed by everyone.
Is this like a confessional for you, that makes you feel like you are still a good person, since you post on a Marriage BUILDING website? You are NOT a good person just because you post here. Wake up already.
You are a dishonest adulterer right now. Divorce your wife and run away with OW, or cut off all contact with OW and focus all of your attention and affection on your wife and marriage. Those are your two real choices. To choose anything else is selfish, immoral, and down right wrong.
You know what's funny? Here I am giving you this advice, when I cheated on my H too. But I woke up. I realized that my H had feelings too. That it wasn't all about me. I ended my A and tried to work on the M.
Snap out of it. Choose one or the other NOT BOTH.
Jen
<small>[ May 22, 2003, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>
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"I need to get back on the spiritual path that used to be my foundation."How are you going to get back on this path? This path has nothing to do woth what you just posted. What is your goal? Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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Pepper,
You are right about the spirituality. I was honest with my wife last night and she was ready to give up. I told her that moving in with me may have been too fast, that she should have made sure I got over OW, but now I realize she is right. If I really made the decision to leave OW and be with wife, then it would be ok. It is her final ultimatum, if she moves out of my place, I can consider us divorced. I feel lost, suicidal at times. Help me please.
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It is her final ultimatum, if she moves out of my place, I can consider us divorced
Which would mean what?
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blah, If I remember correctly, your post just a few days ago was about YOUR decision to stay with your wife and have NC with the OW. When a few of the posters made comments about maybe not believing you, you rose up in righteous indignation about their comments. Didn't pepperband make the statement of it being all about you? Didn't you get miffed at that comment and tell her that she wasn't helping you with that type of comment? Well??? What say you now??? I think she might have been dead on with that comment. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She discovered my emailing OW and demanded that I stop. OW called me. Then I talked to OW all day, trying to hang on. We were agreeing on NC and she mentioned coming to see me to end it in a "nice way." She came yesterday and we had sex. Sat. that I was invited to a wedding with her and would finally meet her daughters then (to make me happier about us). She gave me a Rod Stewart CD that is all love songs... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I gave her a blank card with my address for her to send to me, a photo of me, and some little notes endearing to her and saying I am leaving her for now but may someday come back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are still being deceptive...deceitful....and manipulative...and to BOTH women. You are not wanting help...you just want someone to fix it for you. You don't want to do the work YOURSELF. It is going to take alot of work on YOUR part to fix this abominable situation that you have created for these two women. You need to join the 2 step program. Yes, 2 steps... 1. Grab head securely with two hands. 2. Tug firmly to dislodge from anal cavity. JMHO committed
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Committed,
LOL!!!!!!
1. Grab head securely with two hands.
2. Tug firmly to dislodge from anal cavity.
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BLAH!
WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?????
Answer this simple question!!!!!!
Forget the I said, she said .... what if ....
WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?
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my favorite part of blah's post is this...
"I told her that moving in with me may have been too fast, that she should have made sure I got over OW"
she should have made sure? talk about taking no responsibility! how dare she believe you when you said you want to try? it's her own fault for trusting you. she asked for it, didn't she?
no more lies. period. end of sentence. don't you be selfish, keep her around by saying that you want to work when you're real plan is to dither between two until you decide who it is that serves you best.
and for the love of all that's good, try standing up for what's right! stop moping around with the "if she leaves me" bs and decide if you actually want to be with her. and then you leave or stay away from ow. but there are three lives, at the least, that you're playing with right now and it's a sick, twisted game.
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Kristawny, I wanted to say something on "your favorite part" too because it burned me up, but I let it go when he actually said his wife was right. Not sure he meant it but I figured I had said enough. Glad you saw it too though!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> (this is smoke, not confusion- they need a gremlin for smoke!!)
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My suggestion, since you asked, would be to stop and consider your poor W's feelings. Do you have any clue what she's going through? Probably not...sounds like you feel guilty for awhile then hook up with the OW for a roll to forget things, is that about right? Meanwhile, your W is living this bad dream that gets worse by the minute! Is she able to get up and go to work? Get enough sleep? Function? Oh wait, what the hell do you care? You've got other things on your mind, more important things right?
If you're so enamored with this OW, break things off with your M and go for it. Just start doing the right thing, you know what it is! Good luck to you and your family....
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Pepper,
"What is my goal" is a simple, but not easy question. I will try to answer you because I know you are trying to help me. My first answer would probably be "I don't know".
My other honest answer is "To feel some sense of peace again" All I have known for one &1/2 years is anxiety and depression. For hurting my wife, for losing other important relationships, their respect, self-respect. Losing a sense of self altogether, even postponing my career. Not knowing where my own life is going and when I will feel OK again. People on here may hate me but I already hate myself.
To accomplish my goal I need to make a decision and stick with it. I know it logically, I just get all stuck with feelings of regret or self-doubt...did I make a mistake...should I have not done that, should I have done that instead
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People on here may hate me but I already hate myself.
We don't hate you or we wouldn't bother with you. We hate what you are doing because you are destroying yourself and many others. You WILL crash and burn eventually...just depends on how long you want to drag it out. You will always have self-doubt and self-hate while you are acting the way you are...unless you are so deep in the fog you have no conscience.
End the affair, or end your marriage. Amazingly enough, you will probably find peace then.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told her that moving in with me may have been too fast, that she should have made sure I got over OW...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Must admit that sentence blew me as well. Blah, stop playing silly bu@@ers with your W, get some backbone and take responsibility for your actions.
You need to make some serious decisions pal.
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thanks adgirl...I appreciate and respect you for caring about me I know I need to either end the affair or the marriage. Thanks for bringing it all back to the reality and the simplicity of the situation. It is NOT complicated. It is simple. Its the pain that I am trying to avoid that is uavoidable.
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Guess what Blah ...
Your "sense of peace" is an inside job! You cannot depend on your relationships to provide you with inner peace. You cannot borrow your peace by changing women.
What are you going to do today to create some inner peace for yourself?
Do ONE thing for yourself today that makes YOU a better, more serene man.
Pep
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Blah-
I don't hate you, rather I deplore your actions. To the contrary, I think it takes alot of courage for you to come on these forums and tell your story. IMO, if you consider how little a chance it has of turning into something meaningful with the OW (if that's what you want) then it's a no-brainer to put the work in with your W. JMHO.
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Thanks everyone, you are right Pepper. I think I am going surfing for the first time today, maybe that will help bring me some peace, or maybe a shark will help me out...I have counseling tonight, God knows I need it
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