My ex-husband just told me last night that he has never admitted this to anyone else but he is addicted to pornography and has been for 16 years. I have no idea what to do with this newfound information. I had no clue whatsoever and I know no one else does. Do I do anything to help ? He told me this and then he tells me he can't be with me because he always hurts me and because he is afraid he can't change. I am torn because I know he is addicted to pornography and to OW and I can't help him but I am supposed to be his HELP mate as his wife. Yes we got divorced in March but the papers have not seemed to mean much. On a side note, while discussing this horrible secret, OW called MY cell phone and asked (nicely) if I was still talking to ex-WS and I said yes and she asked me if she could talk to him a minute!?!??!?! I told her no, that if she wanted to talk to me that that would be fine but she would not be talking to my ex-WH on my phone with me sitting there. That I would not have it . So she said ok and hung up. I feel like I am in a nightmare and can't wake up.

I've suspected my WH is addicted to porn and OW too. We have argued about his porn usage for many years. Not that I minded when I found out, but as soon as we had children he would leave it out (in the bathroom, in the video player, on the computer). It was like as soon as he was finished viewing he would leave everything as it was, got up and left it (and I do mean everything, sorry for the graphics).

Then the A happened and we started to work on getting back together. He admitted that porn has been a problem but that he wasn't addicted, he could quit anytime. I asked him to quit for a month, after that month we could talk about how it was and how to use it, if at all. So it wasn't a forever thing...he could live with that. And did. And then after a month I found it around the house again, no discussion, he just decided it was time...

Do you think your Ex could use you to work out accountability? Promise that he will give it up for one day...call you the next to tell you how it went, whether successful or not. Just take it one day at a time. Heck, get a twelve step program and look at the steps. Maybe go to AA meetings?

If your H wants God's help with this, I suggest he read Every Man's Battle. If you or he wants more secular help, I suggest talking to Penny at saveyourmarriagecentral.com (she posts here). I am sure she will have some good suggestions for both of you, including for you if your h does not want help or want to talk to her.

John h39- I have suggested that book- it is the first one I thought of. I appreciate you suggesting it. He has told me that he doesn't want to listen to God. But yet he took the 2 tapes I brought him that our pastor taught the past two weeks in the 12 step program (he is teaching the 12 step program as a series). If he doesn't want God's help, does that mean I leave him alone?
Stillheremakingit:
I had no clue that he was looking at any pornography. The whole time we dated or were married. No signs of it. He said he was too ashamed to admit that he was doing it at all. He even had a roommate that would use it all the time and we always talked about how harmful it was. He would use the computer whenever I wasn't home. I don't know how often it would happen. He says it has been a year since it happened - but the affair started in August so maybe he had that for his fix. I don't really know what that means. Can someone be addicted and stop doing it for a year and then have an affair as their addiction? Can those things go hand in hand or is he probably lying about the last year not using it? I don't know why he would lie when he told me this and I had no clue. So I don't know if telling him to stop for a day or whatever would help. I have told him to stop talking to OW if he wants the marriage. He talked to her this morning. As far as I am concerned, that is his decision isn't it?

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

bump

Hi AG-

Just got a chance to respond.

Im light of what's been going on, I think it's a major deal that H has opened up about this stuff. Remember, the hardest part of recovery is to admit that he has a problem. The fact that he hid it all these years and now decides to come clean...sounds like God is talking to him whether H likes it or not.

All I can say is to sit and listen objectively. Try to think of him as a freind and not a H. Answer his questions as you would a member on this forum.

It's his monkey and he's got to beat it off. (Oh that was bad! sorry) Basically, the addiction is his and when he's ready he'll reach out.

As for the OW...it's your choice to walk away at any time. She is a part of this deal like it or not. I know it's not fair, but if you're there for hubby, this nusiance will have to be there for a while still.

God Bless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kily:
<strong>Hi AG-

Just got a chance to respond.

Im light of what's been going on, I think it's a major deal that H has opened up about this stuff. Remember, the hardest part of recovery is to admit that he has a problem. The fact that he hid it all these years and now decides to come clean...sounds like God is talking to him whether H likes it or not.

All I can say is to sit and listen objectively. Try to think of him as a freind and not a H. Answer his questions as you would a member on this forum.

It's his monkey and he's got to beat it off. (Oh that was bad! sorry) Basically, the addiction is his and when he's ready he'll reach out.

As for the OW...it's your choice to walk away at any time. She is a part of this deal like it or not. I know it's not fair, but if you're there for hubby, this nusiance will have to be there for a while still.

God Bless.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Kily. It is hard to listen because it is hurting me so much too - yet I know that is the best thing to do and I WANT to be able to be a safe person for him. I told him he needed to get outside help though- I recommended Every Man's Battle and a couple of other things and that I wish he would admit this problem to a man who will hold him accountable. It was hard because last night I went through my computer and found some old files - he had been careless so I did find some of the stuff he was looking at (he thought he erased it all- and I never knew before I needed to look). It slapped me with a dose of reality that is for sure.
As for OW I can handle dealing with her if he is completely away from her- but that is where it is sticky. He isn't yet.

AG-

He is starting to look inward though, and that is the first step. Believe me, if a person is ready to change, no one can stop it. God has a funny way of waking you up when you least expect it.

I know there are men's groups out there for SA. Try doing a search on Sex Addict anonomous and see what comes up.

I know that this new revalation must be tearing your wounds open all over again...but it really is necessary to get to that level of honesty in order to really heal. He IS making progress.

Also, You need to understand who HE really is too. Think about it, he's been hiding this from you from the day you MET him. He was cut off from himself too. If you can accept him, even with this kind of flaw, and truly be there while he chases this demon, I think it will heal your rift with him....

Good luck lady,

Kily,
I agree- opening the wounds has actually developed more honesty and openness. I told him we have always had a false intimacy because of this secret he has had- now that he has revealed the secret, there is hope. I can't imagine the inner turmoil and shame of a 16 year secret like that. I will check on the SA groups around here. And get some help for me too. Lord knows I need it. Thanks so much for your help.

No Problem!

Wish someone could have helped me so long ago...

Great idea to look into help for yourself too. You can get support from others that have been through your exact situation.

I'll be praying for you.

Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Me too. My H was given a brand-new computer after his stroke a couple years back. Guess what he used it for. The internet has been called the crack cocaine of sexual addiction.

I freaked out to the max. Couldn't handle it. We got a computer filter and counseling. Some months later, he cracked the filter and was back on. I freaked. We got a stronger filter. The affair followed almost immediately afterwards.

You are not alone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>Me too. My H was given a brand-new computer after his stroke a couple years back. Guess what he used it for. The internet has been called the crack cocaine of sexual addiction.

I freaked out to the max. Couldn't handle it. We got a computer filter and counseling. Some months later, he cracked the filter and was back on. I freaked. We got a stronger filter. The affair followed almost immediately afterwards.

You are not alone.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Crack cocaine, cancer is what my ex-wh calls it. Either way, the shoe fits. I am freaking out on my own. This is what p**sses me off. I hear this crap and then he just walks away. Knows it is a problem, may or may not do anything to help himself, and I am left burned again. I am SO mad today - I have been angry thinking about how from day 1 with us there was this huge secret between us. That I didn't have all the info when I met him or married him. That all those times I felt insecure or wondering why he didn't want sex more often or wondering why he was so apathetic to me- his brain was on something else. When he had the affair and blamed me for making him walk on eggshells (his mother still blames me) - the whole time he knew he was screwed up from the start. I am not saying I never did anything- I did plenty- but looking back, a lot of the fights we had were because I didn't think he cared. And now I know why. I am also sad though. I took my nieces and cousins to see Finding Nemo. My oldest niece is 13. I thought, my God, she is so innocent and yet when my ex-wh was that age, he was already addicted to pornography. And he didn't want to be, or mean to be. It just happened. He and his friends in the woods playing, and found some dirty magazines- and the horrible cycle starts. The affair was just the followup. Someone said I seemed more upset about the pornography addiction than the affair- I think in some ways I am. The affair was just the ending to years of lies and deceit. I found 17 dates of old pornography files on my computer last night. I am sure there were hundreds more dates but they got erased. I didn't even know before to look for it. Now I go back and look at my old calendars to see what I was doing those days-those days that I was clueless on what he was doing. It makes my stomach churn. I don't know how to help myself right now, much less what I am supposed to do with him, if anything. When will the nightmare end? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

AM Martin, I FEEL alone...yet I know I am not, which makes me even sadder....I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

<small>[ June 08, 2003, 12:17 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

I was accused of making my H feel like he was "walking on eggshells," too, and yeah, I think in some ways I freaked out more about the pornography than the affair. I guess it's an addiction to a high for them. It's kind of sad. The stuff is so trashy and so kitsch. But what's your situation? He's an ex now, right? So it's not your problem?

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, either ... except maybe the current OW...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>I was accused of making my H feel like he was "walking on eggshells," too, and yeah, I think in some ways I freaked out more about the pornography than the affair. I guess it's an addiction to a high for them. It's kind of sad. The stuff is so trashy and so kitsch. But what's your situation? He's an ex now, right? So it's not your problem?

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, either ... except maybe the current OW...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, very trashy. I looked at it in amazement. It was awful, thinking of all the times I wanted to be with him but he had already been "fulfilled" so to speak. I wondered why he was the one tired and not me, I thought women generally were accused of not wanting sex as often. He is my ex so it shouldn't be my problem but I am the only one he has told and I wanted to do what I could to help him. However, with OW in the picture still, there is nothing I can do- so I just referred him to some books/seminars and asked him to seek help from a male friend or professional. I don't know what else I can do. Little miss OW thinks that I need to leave him alone to let them be- she has no clue what she is getting into- so yeh, I am at a tossup of wishing all this mess on her.

My H tried to explain how it was "different" with a real person -- and sometimes he wanted something "simple," with no emotions involved. I tried to understand, but it was hard to see how the same act was "real" and "emotional" done with me. In the end, I think he was just justifying a poor and degrading habit. Not all on MBers agree, I know -- and OW may not, either.

If you can help him as a friend, I'd say go for it. CharacterLink has a good filter. But it sounds like you have enough on your plate without this. I suspect, in my case, OW knows -- maybe she doesn't think it's a big deal, or that her "real love" will "cure" him. Let them work it out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>My H tried to explain how it was "different" with a real person -- and sometimes he wanted something "simple," with no emotions involved. I tried to understand, but it was hard to see how the same act was "real" and "emotional" done with me. In the end, I think he was just justifying a poor and degrading habit. Not all on MBers agree, I know -- and OW may not, either.

If you can help him as a friend, I'd say go for it. CharacterLink has a good filter. But it sounds like you have enough on your plate without this. I suspect, in my case, OW knows -- maybe she doesn't think it's a big deal, or that her "real love" will "cure" him. Let them work it out.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Easy to justify if they want to keep doing it right? My ex-WH just said that nothing would be enough - that that was why he went to the affair- he kept trying to satisfy himself but nothing did. Pretty sad I think- especially when I was not one of these women not interested in sex. So it saddens me that there was absolutely nothing I could do. I like to have control ya know!
I know OW doesn't know on my end, so it is very hard for me to just be a friend, knowing he is still talking with OW and OC is coming in August. I don't think I can emotionally handle being friends right now. If he got OW gone completely, that would be a different story.

Maybe just tell him you can't handle being emotionally friends when the person who broke up your marriage is still in the picture?

Yes, I, too, experienced the frustration of knowing the whole thing was out of my control, that there was nothing I could do.

"Out of the Shadows" and "Tangled in the Web" are two books that talk about internet addiction. Also, a book called "Affair of the Mind" I actually found more helpful, though many will object to religious slant. Like the Harleys, I don't buy all this co-addict stuff, and the latter book takes it from another angle rather than blaming the victim.

Hi AG-

I just wanted to comment that your husband's addiction was very similar to my addiction to OM. He was being honest about the SA becoming out of control. His fixes weren't enough anymore...the monkey on his back became the ONLY thing for him. That happens after D-Day for the WS. Now that it's out in the open, the addiction consumes the WS and they care about nothing but that fix.

AG-
The OW is NOT your problem. She is what we Engineers call "White noise". She is just ANOTHER fix for your H. The fact that his addiction is out of control and that he is admitting that he has a problem is telling me a lot. He's ready for change. He just doesn't know how.

I know it's hard, but you're dealing with a lot of fear and anger. Try to focus on YOU and what you're feeling. Get to a place where you have a handle on it. Once you're there, this "R" will not have so much influence over you.

Yes, there will still be painful days. I'm not saying that they'll go away. I think you will have a new attitude on how to detach again.

I do want to raise a concern though. My dad is a sex addict. He erventually turned into a rapist and child molester. I'm not saying that all SA become this, but it's nice to be alert instead of unaware of what could happen. If your H doesn't seek help, do you want that potential in your life?

Hugs.

AM Martin,
Thanks for the book recommendations. Is Affair of the Mind a Christian perspective? I don't understand the whole co-addict thing really in my situation. If I didn't know about it til now, how could I be a co-addict?

Kily,
Do you think ex-WH affair was due to him not having enough anymore with the pornography?
What is this "R?" relationship?
I got chills hearing about your dad. Here is why. I was sexually assaulted May 97. By sexually assaulted, I say this because I dont know what to call it- the guy didn't "finish" inside me, and I don't know how long he was in there because I was asleep- the next morning though I had carpet burn, bruises between my legs, and was bleeding (I was a virgin). I went to the doctor and she was very concerned, and I had some kind of infection. Well fast forward to July 97 when I started dating ex-WH. We had sex very quickly because I wanted to replace that bad bad experience. I didn't tell him about the experience until about a month after we were having sex and he was totally obsessed with it. He was SO upset and SO angry with the guy that it almost scared me because I thought I wouldn't be able to get over it with him being so upset. Now looking back, I wonder, was he afraid he could have been that guy? Did he know then that he was capable of it? And then what makes me even sicker, is July 9, 2002 he was looking at pornography rape pictures on my computer. I found the files....these are very graphic pictures about rape- different types of rapes- And just one month later he started the affair. For some reason, I know this is nuts, this worries me for the OW. I know I owe her NOTHING and she is an idiot......but I do have a heart. I don't know if most men who view pornography view rape scenes or not? I don't know if this is normal or if i have reason to worry. But it hurts me badly that knowing what I went through, he looked at those. And he may have looked before July 9, I just found that file. He erased a lot of what he did.
As far as admitting this addiction to me, throughout our relationship, I have bailed him out a lot- if he forgets something, I do it. If he has a problem, I fix it....etc etc. I was his helper. SO part of me wonders if he told me, to try to get the monkey off his own back. If he doesn't listen to me about reading Every Man's Battle, or going to one of their workshops, or telling a male friend his problem, or telling a male professional, do I need to tell someone? I would hate to think that something happened because I was silent. When do I intervene? I am not worried about him hurting anyone else- but then again, look at the evidence?