but I am an OW involved with a MM who has been married 30 years as of Feb 2004. I am not his first OW. He had an affair 15 years ago with a woman. His W was made aware of his A and there is possibly a child that resulted in MM's first affair.

I am a member of TOW and all the posters over there believe the OW should never...no never...tell the W about the emr.

I should give you some background on me and that is that I have managed to live my life for 47 years (prior to meeting MM) as a woman who never, ever would have entertained the thought of being involved with a MM. In fact, I have been rather sanctimonious in respect to women who would do such a thing. I remember telling two of my friends who admitted to me that they had had an affair with a mm, "How could you do that? How could you betray the sisterhood? I could never do that to another woman." And now, I am faced with the fact that I not only could compromise my own beliefs and morality, but that I could prolong this emr for almost 3 years now.

My MM and I are in business together, so we are not only physically and emotionally entangled, but we have formed an S Corp and work together 10-12 hours a day 5-7 days a week.

MM has told me that he plans on moving to Florida next year, which means my services will no longer be needed. I am very saddened as I grown to love this man.

I doubt many of you will have empathy for me and my situation, and that is not what I am looking for here. Do you think I should tell his W or not? He leads (or as he says, facilitates) a Bible study every Wed morning and attends church every Sunday morning with his W. The hypocrisy of this disturbs me more than anything. I don't pretend to lead women in Bible studies nor do I attend church, so I cannot comprehend this kind of lifestyle.

Please, if you have it in you, do not attack or flame me, but give me some insight. I would never in a thousand years anticipated finding myself in this sort of situation and I can't seem to crawl my way out.

Thanks for your greatly anticipated advice,
V

I hope you put your flame retardant suit on... 'cause some are gonna...

anyway...

I guess it depends on your motivation. Why do you want to tell? If it is to hurt the wife... why? If it is to hurt him... why? 'cause you are hurt and believe they deserve to hurt, too?

Some are gonna say tell. Tell because she needs to know... to be able to make her own choices.

Myself... I told the OWsH... not out of revenge... but because we knew each other as colleagues in the same profession and had socialized w/ our families... so it was more of a reaching out... a mutual mourning...

I'm not sure I can imagine how I would have felt if she had told me versus the fact that I found out on my own...

Good luck w/ your decision.

Cali (AKA GsSweetness)

Vulpine,

I won't flame you, but why did you come here? Do you want some kind of validation that it would better to tell the wife of this man? Why you want to is what I shall ask....is it vengence for the so called hypocrisy? I'm confused about what you think we can offer you. Most of the people here have been emotionally anihilated by affairs and I doubt seriously that you will find much sympathy. If you wish to end the affair...by all means...tell his wife...she deserves to know. If you simply wish to punish or hurt him but will take him back....then why bother? Tell me truthfully...are you here because this is shameful? immoral? despicable? and you want to change because you sorry....or are you here because you are hoping that someone will say "yeah sure, call his wife....it's the best thing." What is your motive. If it is forgiveness and remorse....then I will offer you the best advice I can....if it isn't....please leave here and spare all of us the pain of knowing that another family and children have been destroyed for selfish pleasure. What difference does it make whether he teaches Sunday School....is that a greater failing than throwing away his vows of marriage? State your intent or spare us your pain....we are sick with grief already.

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

In all honesty, I should probably not be here. I am just hurting so much that this man would give me 3 years of his life just to dump me. And yes, I want to hurt his W. MM has told me how much she neglects him and derides him and I want to tell her, "Hey, if you don't appreciate him, I will."

I guess I am a horrid person, as I want everyone to hurt as much as I hurt right now (not his sons, though...they are innocent). I'm just living in my own personal Hell and I want MM to be held accountable for the pain he has put me through. He wants to dump me just to start a new R with another OW in Florida once he gets established there.

I guess there is no place for me. I feel so disenfranchised from life. Maybe if I commit suicide he will think about what his indiscretions could lead to...maybe not. Maybe I will just be labeled unstable...but there is always a price to pay for private indulgences.

V

her motivation is irrelevant, why she is here is irrelevant...what is relevant is the lie the wife is living. Yes, tell her, she deserves know, she is being hurt and you have the information she needs to begin healing. It makes no difference how one finds out about an affair, the information is far more important than how it is delivered.

Ok V,

I am going to treat your post as legitimate but that doesn't mean I am going to be easy on you.

Let me ask you a few questions.

1. You say the W is not a good W to her H according to him, right? Why do you think your MM is being honest with you? He has lied to his W for many years. He has had at least one other affair, perhaps more than you realize. So why do you think she needs to be punished?

2. If you tell his W are you ready to lose him? You will, it is clear he has made his choice and it is her. He could have divorced her years ago, or today and he is doing neither. She is going to Fla with him, not you. So if you tell her to hurt her, you will lose.

3. You are right you are doing a dispicable (sp) thing, but that doesn't mean you are. It means you recognize what you are doing, and you recognize how little merit it has. So why don't you change? Why don't you leave MM alone and find a man that is available. I know "You love him." Well, you might, but love is an action, not an affliction. You can choose to love someone else, but you haven't.

4. Why do you think your MM has PUT you through any pain? You volunteered to be his mistress. Yo volunteered your emotions, your body, and you enjoyed it, up until NOW. But, he didn't marry you, he married his W. You knew he was married, and you knew it was wrong to have an affair according to your post, so he didn't DO anything to you other than accept something he shouldn't have.

He will have to live with that, perhaps he will live long enough to see his sons, cheated on by their wives, who knows. But it is not YOUR job to bring him to justice, and doing it through is W is unacceptable. Leave him, that is what you should do. If he cares it will hurt. If he doesn't, you won't hurt him by telling his W, just her. She is innocent in this situation just as his sons are.

V, Look inward for your issues. Discover why you made these choices, then choose to do better and lead a good life.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It makes no difference how one finds out about an affair</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you really believe this?

I guess in the long run... yeah... it makes no difference 2-3 years down the line...

but an OW in pain who seeks to inflict the same kind of pain in the BS and MM life? I don't think so.

I think motivation is VERY important.

and Vulpine... your cry has not gone unnoted. Please call someone in 'real' life. Get some SUPPORT. I know you are also concerned for your son. You have a lot going on right now...

Cali

I would definitely tell her, no matter what the motivation. The motivation is irrelevent. Telling her would give her an opportunity to either leave the relationship or take steps to stop further adultery.

As far as blaming the MM, you are big girl and freely made the decision to get involved in a dead end, destructive relationship with someone else's man. You can't blame anyone but yourself for this inevitable result. When you buy a tomato, don't get mad because it's red.

Ok, you have introduced other issues. First, suicidal thoughts are pretty common for all parties, married, other person, betrayed person, etc. They will pass, just don't do anything desperate while emotionally distraught. No one is worth killing themself over, and he won't care anyways (why would a user care?), so be a waste of a good life. Ok, so you made a pretty big life mistake, I have looked long and hard, have not yet found a perfect person, not even close. Mistakes do not define us, what we do with them does. The affair must stop (seems it has), then you start figuring out why you chose to participate in an affair. When this has been accomplished you decide what to do about the one you were involved in, and what changes to make in the future to live the life you want to have. It is to your credit you had definite thoughts/rules before you had the affair. The lesson you have learned is rules are not enough without understanding. Human behaviour is very powerful, and ignores "rules" all the time. There is much to learn here about how and why affairs occur, so avail yourself of this info. Give yourself time to heal, and learn about what healthy relationships feel and look like.

In the meantime it is important to expose the secret, this is how all parties are allowed to begin healing. Do not be his dirty little secret, forever bound by the shared deception. This will set all parties free to decide their paths on a level playing feild. Follow this up with no contact on any kind with the mm. Vengeance is not important, you are, and any focus on mm reduces the resources available for you. You should reveal the info to the wife matter of factly (no emotion and with consideration to the hurtful info you impart), not vindictively, and move on, leave her alone. Anger is normal, you have been used, lied too, and have let yourself down. Feel the anger, process it, but do not act on it, it will pass. You are not a victim, you are an adult, you made choices, bad choices, but freely made. Accept this and focus forward, on the future, not the past, or revenge. You will be ok.....if you want to be.

You are all right. I am a big girl in "little girl denial" I suppose. I am so depressed that I have chosen this path for myself. I would never have thought in a hundred years that I would betray myself, or my friends or my family or, yes, even MM's W.

Cali, how do you know about my son?

I wish I was brave enough to end this and trust in something other than MM. I need something to believe in and to hope for.

V

you really believe this?

Yes. Keep in mind the context, knowing or not knowing. With only those parameters motivation is irrelevant cause it is about the BS knowing. Does it actually affect any of us how we are apprised of hurtful information...of course it does, which is why I encouraged her to do so in a particular fashion...but regardless of how (or why) she tells, that pales in comparison to the BS continuing to live in a marital lie without knowing.

I lurk/ sometimes post @ TOW.

I posted to you there as well.

btw. I am in agreement that W needs to know....

BUT, if WE are NOT to make decisions when we are emotional... then she should not either...

IN THE MIDDLE of the pain and emotion, you need to make it all about YOU until you are thinking clearly...

Cali

I debated many times whether to tell OM's W about the affair AFTER it ended, never during. But I realized my primary intent was probably revenge b/c I was so upset that he got to keep his M (because he never ever told his W), but I lost mine (because my H found out).

Now I've grown a bit and learned a bit, and I would never wish the pain I've gone through on a living soul, I don't want revenge anymore. I'm not running out to tell OM's wife still though. Hopefully he sucks it up and is honest with her someday, but that's up to him. It's not my place to tell her, unless someday fate puts her in front of my face somewhere on life's path, with her asking me questions, then I'll answer each and every one of them honestly.

I'd say don't go telling MM's wife unless you first end your relationship with him, with NO intent of resuming it.

And as the other posters said, of course he will present a negatively biased view of his W to you. But still, if you know how much it hurts to be treated poorly by this man yet care about him, maybe in some sick way you can have some empathy for her.

All in all, I would say the best thing to do for yourself is leave him behind. That would seem to be the first step towards finding happiness again, and being able to live with yourself again.

Sorry to make my mind up as I go here, but the more I type, the more I think, the only way you telling MM's wife will come across is as a vengeful , hateful act. You want to hurt him, you want to hurt her. Or am I wrong? I'd say don't tell her.

JMHO,

Jen

sufdb,
I actually wrote a letter to mm's W, then edited it and rewrote it as the original letter was laced with sarcasm and bitterness. I have edited the letter once again and believe that I have written what is a true "depiction" of what has transpired during the past 3 years between her H and me. I will probably never send it, but at least the final draft summarizes the situation as it really is and my damaged heart is revealed with as much honesty as I can possibly explain to another human being.

I guess I have been used and that makes me feel weakened and victimized when I should feel responsible for my part in this. I'm just having a hard time owning up to my own part in this. I guess at some level, I felt like if this man is so unhappy in his marriage and so unloved, then God must be bringing me into his life to alleviate his predicament. But MM knew all along he wouldn't leave W, so I am the ultimate fool. I am the decieved one and MM is happy with everyone's perception of what a "great guy he is". He walks on water as far as everyone who knows him thinks. Only I know he gets his needs met by someone other than God. And then he exhorts the men in his Bible study to "trust in God" and "rely on God" for their needs.

I seem to be having more of a problem with the whole Christian/Bible theme than the betrayal of the W.

Inherent in my "old, recognizable self" is this person who hates hypocrisy and deceit and all those things I have given into for 3 years now...

I should probably be questioning myself more than this deceitful man. I have never been so confused in my entire life. Why don't one of you reach through this computer and slap me across the face? Oh well...I would probably just respond with something like, "ouch, that really hurt...why did you do that?"

At any rate, I am sorry for any pain I bring to this site. I wish all men were happy with their wives and that I would never have had to register here.

V

Okay... so own it. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "I wish all men were happy with their wives" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">'cause what does this really have to do with YOUR choice?

How much of coming to MB was also a way to get 'fired' up and self-righteously angry @ the flaming of BSs? It's what you expected? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Why don't one of you reach through this computer and slap me across the face?" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get out of the blame game. Live in the Truth.

Cali

I'm trying Cali. I'm trying.
V

There is no 'try,' only do or do not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Choose to do.

You will be amazed how GOOD you will feel when you quit BLAMING and start LIVING!

edited to add... then when you are in a GOOD place, are no longer in emotion... THEN it will be time to consider if, how and when to tell the wife.

Cali

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: Cali ]</small>

Cali,
I don't seem to know how to stop blaming. After all, if MM had not come on to me with this entire business/personal R, then I would not know of or need to blame anyone, would I?

Maybe after he moves to Florida and starts a R with another OW down there, I will be more objective and realistic and will make unemotional decisions. Until then, I am human with human responses. I am, in essence, screwed up, to the delight of many.

V

There is no need for a long letter, or really anything about you, your feelings, your pain etc. The purpose of informing a bs, is to end the secret, the unholy tie that binds, all bs MUST BE TOLD. Otherwise you are a willing party to her continued injury as a co-conspirator with her H...there is no other path. All that is required is a statement that you participated in an illicit relationship with her H (keeping a secret between you and he), and will answer any questions she has if she so desires...that's it. Let her decide what more she requires. She may even beleive you are lieing etc, whatever, that is on her, you have done your duty. If you want to apologize as well, up to you, but not necessary and IMO tough to be fully honest about anyways. Stick to the facts, do not try to explain, justify, editorialize, just give her the facts, let her decide what to do with them, that is her right, to decide her own life with all the FACTS known to her, that is all any of us have coming from each other.

Further you have a religious duty. You cannot stand by and contenance (with your silence) his hypocritical Chrtistian mentoring. Since he is in a position of authority by his choice (the Bible study at a minimum), you have a moral obligation to hold him accounbtable with his peers by publicly rebuking him, and taking accountability yourself as well. The truth sets everyone free. Your silence is satan's work, satan deals in secrets, hypocrisy, and such. You have no options, you must tell. Not only for yourself, but for the mm good, his w good, and all who look to him for example. You will be "tempted" not to tell, to wait, to not interfere, there is no Christian basis for turning away from truth.

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 11:26 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

God... are you my mother in disguise?

THAT is EXACTLY the kind of response I would get from her... must be why your posts have struck such a chord w/ me.

V... no one is gonna be able to reassure you enough... no one is gonna be able to hold you up forever... for me... it was getting my eyes off of me and on to what God wanted in my life... and He wanted me healthy...

Lots of book reading, individual counseling and, learning that my H... that any MAN could NOT define who I was or how I felt. It's a long road V, but it is doable.

Cali