My husband found out that i was conversing with a past boyfriend who lives 800 miles from us. I know that what I did was wrong and I don't want to lose my husband. He has asked me to leave the home. I have agreed to, but I have to go stay with my Mother where the other man lives, I will not have any problem with keeping away from him, but I don't know how my husband will trust me there. Going to my Mothers was my Husabnds idea, that is where he wants me to go. I love my husband I have never doubted it. We have been married for almost 9 years and we have no children. Our marriage has gone kinda stale lately, but I have never stopped loving him. I love to talk and my Husband likes to watch television. I see now there were things I could've done, like maybe watching t.v. with him or just telling him that I needed him to talk to me and insisted that he did. He doesn't understand that him not paying attention to me could have made me start talking to another man. I am not trying to justify what I've done. I know I was the only one who made that choice and now I want to make things better, but he feels betrayed. My husband thinks that as long as he works and provides me with material things then I should be happy. I have told him numerous times that it isn't gifts that I want I just want him to talk to me and listen when I talk. I don't work and I have only 1 good friend, so my married life has always revolved around my husband. I remember when we would just enjoy spending time together doing nothing, just as long as we were together. I want that back. I want to save my marriage. What can I do to prove to my husband that I only love him? He doesn't say that our separation is temporary, but he'll say things that make me think that that is what he is hoping for. I think that my going to my mothers is a test to see if I pursue this other man. If that is all it is then I know that I will pass since I have no desire to pursue that man or any other man. If anyone has any advice as to how to convince my husband not to end our marriage I would greatly appreciate it. I have been out of touch with God for awhile, but I am now turning my life over to him. I believe that with God in my life my marriage can be saved. Thanks for listening, C.A.

Find the book, his needs/her needs. This book is by Dr Willard Harley.

Let us know what you think.

L.

carrob,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are here, but happy to have you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The book Orchid reccomended is excellent. I have idea for you....there is an article written by Dr Harley called "Why women leave men"...click here and then print it out and give it to your husband to read. I found that was alot easier than trying to get my H to read a whole book.

You can save your marriage....but I would try to stay home if possible....St Francis of Assissi said "Only a fool faces temptation. A wise man runs away."

Orchid & Star*Fish'

My husband actualy bought "His Needs Her Needs" a couple of years ago. We never finished reading it, but I stated it again last night. I printed "Why Women Leave Men" and I will leave it for my husband to read. He isn't living here right now, he is at a hotel waiting till I leave so he can come home. He says he can't stand to look at me. I leave tomorrow. I don't want to leave, walking away will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He came by last night and told me not to forget that I'm still married. He also said for me to leave my car keys in the car at the airport since he won't let me have the car. He also said to leave my jewelry. I asked if I could at least keep my wedding ring and the pieces that have no $ value just sentimental value and he said fine. He plans to sell the rest to hurt me. He also wants me to leave the checkbook and bank card. I'm kinda scared since I am leaving with nothing. I don't kow how I will work without a vehicle. Heck I don't even know if working will make him mad. He was always afraid that if I worked I might meet someone else. I have a counseling session with a Pastor today and I told my husband what time and where if he would like to join me, I'm praying he does.

C.A.

carrob,

I'm trying to understand your husband's reaction to this discovery. Were your emails to this boyfriend sexual in nature? Did you ever see him in person, or was it only email? Is this guy someone your H has always been jealous of? What was contained in these correspondences?

<small>[ June 26, 2003, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Your husband sounds too controlling, driving you to talk to OM although that does not make your contact with the OM acceptable.

You do not have to leave because he told you to go. That's your choice. He can't make you leave. There might be legal implications in this for you. Stay home if you want to and let him leave.

Yes you feel guilty. But if your name is on the house then LEGALLY HE CAN'T GET YOU OUT! That is your home too. He can't keep the jewelry either if they were GIFTS to you. He sounds very controlling. Yes he is mad since he just found out so let him cool off for a bit, but DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME! Know your rights legally, i know it's hard to think like that right now since this is all so fresh and you are afraid of losing your husband. Just let him cool off first, he is making rash decisions that he may regret later.

Well my husband found out through an e-mail to my sister which only said that I wanted to call him, but he isn't taking my calls. My sister replied for us to three way call. I confessed to who HE was and that it has only been talking, that I haven't seen him. I did go to the state where he lives in April and I tried to contact him, but that is when he stopped taking my calls. My husband has always been jealous of him, I was dating the OM before I met my husband. I wanted to talk to the OM just to remember old times and we had never even had a sexual relationship when we were dating so I wasn't looking to remember that.I just wanted someone who would enjoy talking to me. Why the friendship ended I have no idea why, I'm glad it is over and out in the open now. I think my husband feels that if it were to have continued it would have escalated. The OM is not anyone I would have wanted to be involved with romantically. I think the OM wanted that and realized that my only intention was friendship and that I love my husband and decided since he couldn't get more out of me he would stop talking to me. My husband has always been controlling and it is worse now because of the situation. I know I don't have to leave, but I feel that if I stay he will just get angrier and that it might ruin the chance for reconcilliation. He keeps saying that I am in no position to bargain. He is the one calling the shots. I just have to keep showing him that it is only him that I want and hopefully he doesn't do anything while I'm away to make matters worse. I hope and pray he doesn't seek revenge and find a woman to date. Thanks for everyones support.

yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes...huge huge red warning flags...EVERYWHERE!!!!!!

He was always afraid that if I worked I might meet someone else. I !!!!!!

THAT my friend is an irrational fear in emotion...

It is bizarre at best...and very very very dangerous at worst...

big red flag!!!!

YOU my friend need to contact a womens shelter now for available resources...

YOU my friend have every right to every piece of jewelery he has given you..and if he is using trinkets as ways to hurt you and keep you down and out...l

huge huge huge red flags...

marriage is an equal relationship...a true partnership where in both sides encourage the other and support the other and are THERE for eachother....

NOT even close to any of your description...

My husband has always been jealous of him ...
no correct that my husband is jealous and paranoid of EVERYONE....

what did the pastor tell you.....

I don't think you should be with this guy until you get counselling and then IF and ONLY WHEN he gets counselling also....

My husband thinks that as long as he works and provides me with material things then I should be happy.

yuck yuck yuck...do you see how wrong that is and that is no WAY for YOU to live and be treated...

carrob...I am very concerned for you..
very concerned that you have been isolated out of his irrational fears
controlled with his money and baubles...
and told what to do and expected to behave...

think think think this one out...start thinking for YOU

ARK

I'm not sure I've every seen Ark so upset!!! LOL

But I have to agree carob....that your husband sounds agree and somewhat dangerous. I think that you should seek professional help. Please let us know what happens with the pastor.

I was stuttering so bad as i typed I can barely make out what I wrote...

Carrob...I don't even see what you "said" to this old boyfriend that has caused all this...not defending you or him...

but really how much of this is blown out of proportion...

how will you support yourself...
where will you live..
what if you told him your mother said you can't come home...what would he do....

how jealous has he been through the years of marriage of an old boyfriend...prior to recontacting him...who even brought him up to talk about?????

since he won't let me have the car.
who says it his is car??? do you have two cars...then each gets a car....simple math...
you get the newer prettier shinier one that makes you look good...he gets the old HONDA or Toyota

I think that my going to my mothers is a test to see if I pursue this other man.

people in healthy relationships don't test eachother...except with the question does this make me look fat...that is definitely a test...
and i'm not ready to share the correct answer yet

but that is the ONLY acceptable spousal marriage test...that and the IQ ones where woman rule....

ARK

I talked with the pastor yesterday and he said that our marriage seemed unhealthy due to no trust. He also said that we both would need to seek counseling, not just one of us can fix it. My husband thinks that it is only I that needs help. I know I have many options, I could take the car, I could refuse to leave, but I don't want to upset him by doing those things which could force him into divorcing me.

After I got home from seeing the counselor my husband came by and asked if he could stay the night. I figured he had exhausted his funds and couldn't pay another night at the hotel. Of course I said yes. And of course he wanted sex. He claimed that since I would be gone and he wouldn't be seeing me for a long time then we should have sex. I did not feel any love or caring on his part during or after. I felt worse he told me that he still wants me to leave. I felt like that was my parting gift, I felt ashamed afterwards. Maybe that is a normal feeling, I don't know. He asked when he could send my cat to me, well he knows that almost everyone in my family is allergic, so then he says that he will send him when I get my own place. He has lead me to believe that if I prove myself while I'm at my mothers then I can come home, but that remark made me think otherwise. I wish he would stop playing games with my mind and just tell me what he would like to happen.

This morning before he left he said for me to have a safe flight, like how safe the flight is is really up to me. He has not once said "I love you" since this whole thing started. That is what I would prefer to hear before I leave. I said to him that I didn't want him to give up on me, that I want to come home one day. Well he said something like who knows what will happen wiht time. I am assuming that he is thinking again about reconciliation. One minute he will say something to make me think there is no hope and the next he says something that maybe gives me hope. I want some hope before I leave. I'm hoping that he will come by before I leave to the airport. Well I'm really hoping he will take me to the airport.

I know there are more problems in our marriage besides the one we are focusing on right now. I just want a chane to try to to make our marriage better. I feel like while I 'm gone he will be creating more problems for us to deal with. I won't know what he is doing while I'm gone. That has me paranoid. I admitt I have also been very possessive with him. I don't think we have ever had a healthy marriage, but I do love him and I always have. I want us to have a good marriage eventually, with eachother that is. I've been with him since I was 15, so in a way I grew up with him. It is so hard to change what has always been you. I just want a chance to try.