My H has a huge need for admiration. I praise him and thank him (more than average because I know he needs more than the average bear) but it still doesn't seem to be enough.

It borders on conceit. He has to tell me and others how wrong something is and how right he is doing it...the difference between them and him is they do it this way and he does it like this and his way is better. He is not the kind of guy you would expect this from either..not the big burly tough talking arrogant kind. He is bubbly and outgoing.

Here's the problem. It is killing my love for him. I can't stand to listen to it anymore. I just want him to be happy with himself and not worry about being the best. I am withdrawing from him and not wanting to talk to him (my top EN) and then I can't happily fill his top EN-sex. So the cycle is beginning again and I don't know how to tell him without LB that I don't want him to be so conceited and I find it very unattractive to hear him put others down so he can be better.
He doesn't take this kind of talk too well.

Suggestions?
Thanks!

mal,

Well, as tough as it's going to be....I think you have to use RH to tell him that when he toots his own horn so often, it damages your love for him. It will be a hard truth for him to accept, but it must affect all of his interpersonal relationships. If he didn't do so much of it himself....it might be easier to give him admiration and not resent it. I don't think there is anyway around this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Be honest with him. A small LB may be OK if you see no other way around it...a small witdraw in his love bank is better than the constant withdrawals that are already happening.

Bu how is your need for admiration? Are you getting this need fulfilled? Is he becoming an admiration vampire? Talk with him about it...I'll bet he doesn't want to continue if he knows how much it's withdrawing from you.

How to say it?

"Sometimes it appears to me that you aren't proud of yourself. How can I tell, by the way you have to prove to everyone how right you are. How confident do you feel you are right? Or are you trying to convince yourself and others you are right because you don't feel OK about yourself."

OK, I know, psycho babble.

Any suggestions out there?

Let me tell you something, if his greatest EN is admiration, he needs to be told that he is ACTIVELY doing things to PREVENT it. He is probably a very smart guy but he completely discredits himself by putting others down. He also sounds like he is not too sure of his abilities and needs reinforcement, which you will need to provide. I think you would be doing him a favor by talking to him.

"Joe, you are such a smart guy, smarter even than most, but it takes away from your point when you put down others for emphasis. You don't need to put down others because your points are compelling on their own. Putting down others unneccesarily robs credibility from your position."

Another point I would like to make. While I don't think he should be putting others down, it is only logical that he will ALWAYS think he is right. People do not put forth ideas that they think are WRONG. Opinionated people often get accused of thinking they are "right all the time." [this is supposed to be a bad thing] Well, everyone thinks their ideas are right or they wouldn't propose them. So please be careful about saying anything like that to him.

Star...You said it! Radical Honesty. I knew there was no way around it but I couldn't seem to find the words. However, just by posting and getting it in writing cleared my head up and I am becoming willing to find a solution. Thanks.

Stillhere...Correct! Be honest. I was afraid of his reaction. It's not easy to hear that someone doesn't like something about you. I was also going to tell you my need for admiration (not high on the EN list) was fine until I remembered that lately he hasn't been giving the pats on the back to me. I have told him that I was hoping for an atta girl (after telling him of something I did or accomplished) and then I get one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He is usually real good about it without reminders.

Melody....Exactly! He is so busy admiring I don't need to. I like your point about right vs. wrong ideas..how true!

Now here is an update...and it was positive!
He came in and was tooting his horn about something and I hugged him and told him that it affected how I feel about him when he does that. That it is unattractive to me. He got that defensive look and said "I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut then". I kept hugging him and said "but I don't want you to keep your mouth shut..I like talking to you". He was thinking and then told me thanks! He said it was great progress for me to tell him what was wrong and not hold it in (I had told him that I was starting to withdraw). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So, your suggestions were excellent and the timing was perfect! Thanks a million.