Okay, so we women agreed on the size topic on the other thread.

Here's my problem that I just faced last week in conversation w/WS.

He doesn't think he has anything to worry about because he is very proud of his size (I'm sorry, but he is average) and his skills (not the best I've had BUT not the worst either).

So he thinks he doesn't have to worry about me having an A (in his mind, it's all about sex) because he is "all that."

OKAY THEN, DOES THIS MEAN I'M SO LACKING IN THE AREA THAT HE HAD TO HAVE THE A?????

Gosh, sometimes the more he opens his mouth now that we are learning how to communicate, etc., I just ask myself what I ever saw in him.... SCARY!

I thought we were doing okay in the sex area. Never said no to him -- always willing to try new things, etc. He said ONE of the reasons (since in his mind there are SO MANY) for the A is because sex had dropped off so much in the past year. I WAS PREGNANT!!!! Hey, w/my son's pregnancy I was all sexed up and always ready but he wouldn't come near me (I had a miscarriage the pregnancy before). I didn't go elsewhere. So w/the last pregnancy (prior to A) I didn't want it very much and didn't ever initiate so he's feeling all unwanted. Do you see the double standard here? During the pregnancy I had abnormal pap smears so right after the healing of having a c-section I had to have a biopsy. Does everybody else get the fact that I really wasn't in a physical/mental place to be all over him? Especially since he was NOT there for me -- I was really worried about cervical cancer and he was like, "deal w/it." He was so in the FOG at this time and couldn't understand why I was upset.

So now that he made this comment about being all that and having nothing to worry about, he just leads me to believe that he really doesn't get it and hasn't learned a damn thing from all this....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SoDisappointed:

"He said ONE of the reasons (since in his mind there are SO MANY) for the A is because sex had dropped off so much in the past year."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What were the 'other' reasons?

Here's my guess.

1. He justified the A in his head partly over the excuse of a lack of sex. (Fog)

2. He believes this, so he believes that providing you with an abundance of sex will prevent you from having an A.

My advice to you is to not worry about the fog-speak. My bigger concern is that he still believes the A was justified.

TMCM and Dobie,

Other reasons besides lack of sex:

Didn't think I loved him any more (even though I was still making sure I had dinner on the table every night when I worked full time too and pregnant w/a 1 1/2 year old; washed and folded all the laundry; cleaned the house, etc., etc.; told him I loved him and was being supportive over him just being diagnosed as being bi-polar).

Geez, I guess that was pretty much it actually. I guess it's more the justifications for the affair????

Says I wasn't in love w/him any more.
Lack of sex.
Wanted out of the marriage at the time (meanwhile, he was trying to schedule vacations w/us, etc. -- I really had NO CLUE).
Didn't think I would ever find out (LOVE THAT ONE).
OW was ready, willing and able.

He never used protection.
I'm having abnormal pap smears -- good going H!!
He has genital warts (but doesn't think they are an STD -- come on!).
Said I was "stupid" to have a blood test done for HIV.
Says I should know him better than that re choosing someone to have A with that wasn't a "skank."
Now says she was a drunk.
Says he ended it before I found out so I should have no problem w/believing that he wanted me/family more.
(I think A actually ended because he lost job and would have NO way of finding time to see her/talk to her.)
When first asked why he said because he thought I didn't love him any more and it was all about sex.
Then later says she was filling EN's.
Then later says it was a little of both.
Then later says he was just saying what he said in his e-mails to "get her ready." (Even though he is suppose to be "all that" and not need to fulfill EN's to have great sex -- more of his double talk.)
Then later says (when asked why he was calling her after he could no longer meet her) he thought of her as a "friend."
Then later says he was just calling her to find out about the company that fired him.
Then later admits to meeting her for lunch one day (when he finally got another job that just so happened to be in her town).
Then I later find out he was contacting an ex-girlfried in another town he was doing business in and had dinner w/her twice but says nothing physical happened. (When we first met, I remember him saying that out of all his ex-girlfriends he liked this one the best. And he decides to contact her????)

It's all conflicting!!! But, really, I had giving up on trying to figure out his justifying and trying to make sense of it all.

I told myself to go to counseling w/him and see what happens and that's why now I'm freaking out over the way he thinks and the things he says. I went into this trying to start fresh and go from there. But now I'm scared. I do not like what I hear. Try to get him to elaborate when I am confused. I am doing this in a calm non-LB'g manner. Not questioning his values or saying mine are better than his or anything. Just putting twists and turns into the conversation to see where he takes it.

The whole sex conversation started because I told him I was still not comfortable w/oral sex. We have had sex since D-day. I said we had already been having sex before I knew about the A so if he gave me anything I probably had it anyway but that I was going to be tested. He said, "That's stupid." "It's almost been a year. What's wrong?" I said, "It's been a year since the A started. Not a year since it ended and only 4 mos since I found out. I have a problem w/putting my mouth where her 'cooties' have been. You being a man, I'm sure you would have a problem w/going down on me if I let some guy go off in me w/out using condoms." He said, "Not this much later." I said, "Oh, you really think so?" He said, "Yeah. Just go ahead and do it and get it over with." I said, "What?" He said, "Go ahead an have an affair but I really don't think I have anything to worry about." (**Okay, excuse me, but why that comment??? I don't get that one -- any ideas???**) I said, "You don't." He said, "No. I know I'm good in that department." I said, "It's not all about sex for women." He said, "50/50." I said, "Oh, and that's why you said all those things to her in her e-mails because it wasn't all about sex on her part?" He never answered.

Then that exact night he tried to get me to do it! What's up with that? It was my time of the month and I am having major cramping (I have endometriosis) and just took a couple of Darvocet so he knew I was feeling pretty achy. I said I was sorry but no. And he continued to get me to help him out anyway but not orally....

Is this a control issue???

I just really don't think he gets it and I just can't figure out where he's coming from. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Wow! Sounds like it could be a big control issues mixed with a lot of fog babble. Demanding sex when it's clear you aren't interested is selfish and controlling. Unfortunately, I'm one of the worst people in the universe to give advice on setting boundaries. Just wanted to let you know I feel for you and hope someone with more wisdom can give you some great advice.

You can't argue with a sick mind.

While this guy sounds like he is ultra-confident, he is actually insecure.

Kinda like new money VS old money. People who recently find themselves wealthy make asses of themselves buying everything in sight, while those with money are more understated, but you can still "tell" they have money.

That's why I'm confused -- is it control or insecurity pretending to be confident?

H works 4 pm to midnight. I work 8-5. So I'm pretty much on my own taking care of house, kids. Last night I got up at 2 am (to take some pain pills again -- UGH!) and H was in the LR watching a movie. Asked why I was up. Said I was still having really bad cramping. He patted my leg and I went to bed. It took about an hour to kick in to where I could fall asleep. Next thing I know, H is in bed up against me sticking his hand in my shorts. I grabbed his hand and said, "no" and hugged him to let him know I wasn't trying to be mean. Then my son wakes up at 5 saying he wants to watch cartoons! (I don't get him up until 7).

I guess I'm just confused as to where he's coming from. I don't know if it's a bi-polar thing, control thing, or insecurity thing. I REALLY think he thinks SEX is the only way to show love. I gave him the article on the five love languages. He hasn't mentioned whether or not he has read it yet (finds time to watch TV though). We have our 3rd counseling session tomorrow.

Should I mention his comment ("I don't have to worry about that.") and see if we can work through what he's actually trying to say while we are there w/the counselor???

Am I really being that gullible w/him?? Everyone tells me I'm always too nice -- not just in re to H, just in general. I always try to see all sides of the story. I was so black & white growing up and I have learned from life experiences that everything ISN'T black & white.

And then I'm trying to follow MB and no LB and really work on the M (and, yes, it is pretty much one-sided as H is very sporadic on meeting my EN's) -- I really think he's messed w/my mind so much now (7 years) that I sometimes don't see the forest through the trees...

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