Shugah,

I have no words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and still praying for you!!!

I remember going through this and it was so hard ((Shugah))

Shugah,

I don't know how long ago it was that you broke your Plan B, but no, don't just fade into the darkness. Tell him, in a new letter, why you are going NC with him again. Then keep your promise.

You know, it really does work. I am still struggling with some issues, not in Recovery yet, but heading there. The point is you have to be absolutely true to the plan. Don't waiver, no matter how tempting it is. I was very tempted lots of times, but let my reading and posting here keep me on track.

{{{{{{Shugah}}}}}}}}


*S*

Yes! Another PLAN B Letter. KEEP IT SIMPLE. I love you. This is the way back. Get rid of the OW.

Remember what Mortarman told me. He was so right. My FWH began quoting my PLAN B letters back to me. That was his roadmap, a hold on reality when he did not have me because I was dark, well semi-dark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> there at the end. I remember a lot of strategizing going on. Your WH sounds like he's at a point where mine was and he tells me now that he was wanting to figure out how to come back but did not feel that it was possible given the mess that he had made out of his life. You can help him SHUGAH.

I can understand you guys laughing at me. Now I really understand how frustrating it was for you guys to see me goof. It just shows how crazy-making and awful this situation is for us. However, unlike others, we are willing to FIGHT for our marriages.

I told my FWH that I am so afraid that he will leave me again after all of this. I'll never forget what he said: At least you'll know that you've done everything you could possibly do to save your marriage. Isn't that an incredible statement?

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Here is my draft of my Plan B letter for yet another attempt at PB!

Feedback welcomed! Should I say anything about his recent change in attitude and how it gave me hope or just ignore that altogether?

Dear WH,
Once again I find myself in a position of having to protect myself from the pain and anguish that results from the knowledge of your ongoing affair. You know how worked up I get when I’m reminded that you are together, and you have turned your back on us, and that me and the kids are not who you have chosen to love and protect. It is so hard to keep myself from lashing out in my despair.
It is difficult for me to see you, to talk to you and to “act” as though nothing has changed between us and then watch as you drive away to another life. You talk to me as though we are still a couple, telling me about your “sore shoulder”, as if I’m somehow expected to respond in a loving and sympathetic way, while at the same time, I have no one that cares about anything that might be hurting me. I want so much to be able to comfort you and take care of you, but I realize that it is not my place any more and that pain is often more than I can bear.
Please know that I’m stepping back once more in an attempt to find peace in my heart while I still struggle with the fallout of your affair. I will keep our communication to a minimum, I will not call you unless necessary and ask that you do the same. For now, you can still visit with the kids at the house and I’ll find other things to do. Owen especially needs that time with you in a place that is familiar and safe for him.
You know how I still feel about you and that I want our marriage to recover. There is a way home. The first step is yours to take.
Love,
BS

P.S.
Thank you for the Christmas gifts that you brought the kids and for saying that they were from both of us. I truly wish they were.

More of a love letter, talking about your feelings about him. Perhaps talking about Xmas memories of just the two of you together. With the OW, its about romance. He probably wants to know that he will have a fun, romantic life with YOU. He also wants to be Father to his kids but is probably hanging on to her for the romance. That's the addictive factor. Have learned all this from my FWH.

Also try to use less YOU language and more I language.

Just my thoughts......

I'll take another look at the "you" language but finding it hard to cut.
I added a Christmas memory section.


Once again I find myself in a position of having to protect myself from the pain and anguish that results from the knowledge of your ongoing affair. You know how worked up I get when I’m reminded that you are together, and you have turned your back on us, and that me and the kids are not who you have chosen to love and protect. It is so hard to keep myself from lashing out in my despair.
It is difficult for me to see you, to talk to you and to “act” as though nothing has changed between us and then watch as you drive away to another life. You talk to me as though we are still a couple, telling me about your “sore shoulder”, as if I’m somehow expected to respond in a loving and sympathetic way, while at the same time, I have no one that cares about anything that might be hurting me. I want so much to be able to comfort you and take care of you, but I realize that it is not my place any more and that pain is often more than I can bear.
Please know that I’m stepping back once more in an attempt to find peace in my heart while I still struggle with the fallout of your affair. I will keep our communication to a minimum, I will not call you unless necessary and ask that you do the same. For now, you can still visit with the kids at the house and I’ll find other things to do. Owen especially needs that time with you in a place that is familiar and safe for him.
I missed you this Christmas, remembering putting out the Santa gifts together and sharing the kids’ excitement on Christmas morning! I remember all of our Christmas’ together, and I still put “Our 1st Christmas Together” ornament on the tree. Remember that “cardinal bird feeder” that John made and his first kitten!!
You know how I still feel about you and that I want our marriage to recover. There is a way home. The first step is yours to take.
Love,


P.S.
Thank you for the Christmas gifts that you brought the kids and for saying that they were from both of us. I truly wish they were.

Shugah,

Here are my comments:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear WH,
Once again I find myself in a position of having to protect myself from the pain and anguish that results from the knowledge of your ongoing affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perfect!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know how worked up I get when I’m reminded that you are together, and you have turned your back on us, and that me and the kids are not who you have chosen to love and protect. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Turned your back...while true, it's a LB. How about: "Knowing you are with the OW instead of with your family creates more pain than I can bear."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is so hard to keep myself from lashing out in my despair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe: "I need to protect both of us from any more damage that may be brought on by the anger and frustration I show when I am around you. It is only because of the pain caused by your affair that I react this way."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is difficult for me to see you, to talk to you and to “act” as though nothing has changed between us and then watch as you drive away to another life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would eliminate the "and then watch you drive away to another life." You could replace it with "and know that the affair is still going on."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You talk to me as though we are still a couple, telling me about your “sore shoulder”, as if I’m somehow expected to respond in a loving and sympathetic way, while at the same time, I have no one that cares about anything that might be hurting me. I want so much to be able to comfort you and take care of you, but I realize that it is not my place any more and that pain is often more than I can bear. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd eliminate tha first part, but definiely keep the ending. Suggestion: "You recently mentioned your sore shoulder. While I care very much that you aren't feeling well, you have chosen to be with someone else. As long as we aren't in a partnership, I can do nothing to ease your pain."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please know that I’m stepping back once more in an attempt to find peace in my heart while I still struggle with the fallout of your affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will keep our communication to a minimum, I will not call you unless necessary and ask that you do the same. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Might want to spell out the only conditions under which there should be contact: children's health issues, severe financial issues, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For now, you can still visit with the kids at the house and I’ll find other things to do. Owen especially needs that time with you in a place that is familiar and safe for him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, set specific conditions/times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know how I still feel about you and that I want our marriage to recover. There is a way home. The first step is yours to take. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"You know how I still feel about you..." Shugah, TELL him exactly how you feel...that you married him for life, that he is the only man you want, etc. Remember, a PBL is a Love Letter.

Sorry for all the editing to your letter...just my opinions. Remember, we're all amateurs here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

*S*

Sparkle,

Great suggestions, thanks, I'll rework it!

Here goes!

Dear WH,
Once again I find myself in a position of having to protect myself from the pain and anguish that results from the knowledge of your ongoing affair. You know how worked up I get when I’m reminded that you are with her instead of your family and it creates more pain than I can bear.
I need to protect both of us from any more damage that may be brought on by the anger and frustration I feel. It is only because of the pain caused by your affair that I react this way.
It is difficult for me to see you, to talk to you and to “act” as though nothing has changed between us and know that the affair is still going on.
You recently mentioned your sore shoulder. While I care very much that you aren’t feeling well, you have chosen to be with someone else. As long as we aren’t in a partnership, I can do nothing to ease your pain.
Please know that I’m stepping back once more in an attempt to find peace in my heart while I still struggle with the fallout of your affair. I will keep our communication to a minimum, I will not call you unless necessary and ask that you do the same. Contact will only take place for visitation and financial issues. For now, you can still visit with the kids at the house and I’ll find other things to do. Owen especially needs that time with you in a place that is familiar and safe for him.
I missed you this Christmas, remembering putting out the Santa gifts together and sharing the kids’ excitement on Christmas morning! I remember all of our Christmas’ together, and I still put “Our 1st Christmas Together” ornament on the tree. Remember that “gift” that S#2 made and his first kitten!! I especially cherish the memories of bringing three of our babie’s home in time for Christmas!
It will be difficult for me to distance myself from you, but I need to do this. I still love you more than I will ever love anyone, I married you for life and I know that we can find a way to heal our hearts, our marriage and our family. There is a way home. The first step is yours to take.
Love,
Shugah

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: Shugah ]</small>

Hi Shugah:

I agree with Sparkle on most comments.

However, I would put the I LOVE YOU part and memories first in the letter. Start off being loving and that will grab his attention. If you start off "beating" him as my FWH called it, he might not read the rest. He feels guilty now about what he is doing and wants to run away from that. He needs to feel the pain but don't allow him to run.

Then keep it simple on the arrangements and how to come back. Get rid of the OW, NC letter etc.

I'm so glad for you that you are doing this. It is so hard I know. You know that I know.....but in the end it has been well worth it for me.

Mimi,

Excellent suggestion! Get his attention first with words of love.

Shugah, if you do that, I think you've got it.

Only other suggestion: break it into paragraphs. Much easier to read.

You go, girl! We're here with you!

*S*

Very good Plan B letter, Shug!

I know in Harley's book SAA he recommends to some that they might explore cc:ing the OP their Plan B letter.

Do any of you that know Shug's story think it's appropriate she do so? Just checking.

Jo

Plan B letter in the mail. I made the changes and sent it off.
Will not bother sending a copy to OW. I sent one the last time. I'm sure he'll probably share his latest correspondance from the "whacko wife" who won't give up!
WH called yesterday, gave him the cold shoulder, would not chit chat, so he asked to speak to D. I only asked him what he is depositing for support this week. As usual, far less than he's supposed to. I just said, ok, bye.
Letter sent to Lawyer today. Going to begin the divorce process in order to try to save the house from foreclosure. Financially, I am out of options. Cannot wait any longer.
I was awake all night.
But I feel ok about things this morning.
My resolution for the new year is ACTION. On all fronts, personal, physical, legal, etc. No more putting things off!

Shugah,

I'm very pleased to hear you sounding so strong. Sorry it is coming to this, but as you posted to hopeful_person, you can "never say never."

Anyhow, I know you are doing what you must. Per our recent correspondence, I do not feel I am far behind you, sadly.

2004 will NOT be like 2003 for me either. My life is going to change - one way or the other. No more, as you said, being a "spectator."

Amazing the strength we can muster when we really need to. Too bad our WS's can't find the same courage.

I’m kind of curious as to why you are doing Plan B if you are filing for divorce?

Hi Chris,
I don't want the D! Plan B, I need it to keep from LB'ing. It is still very painful for me to see or talk to WH while he is still involved with OW.
Financially, I have no choice.
Bankruptcy is almost complete, I will be losing my car soon. House payments not up to date and it would have been the only way to keep the house despite bankruptcy.
WH is not paying full support as ordered by court.
(contempt charges being considered also)
Lawyer says I can access WH's annuity as partial distribution of marital assets, fairly soon, if D gets started.
This will allow me, hopefully, to hold on to the house, or if need be, get an apt. if I lose it, and to get a car.
It is my only option. I have borrowed all the money I can from family...
It's been a year since D-Day...
I need to protect me and the kids financially.
I've let this go too long.

Also,
Plan B, even though Divorced, can still protect the BS from the inevitable pain of an ongoing A until enough time has passed and recovery has occured. Correct?

There is a difference in Plan B and not dealing with the spouse.

Plan B is for when you still want to reconcile.
You are divorcing with no thoughts of reconciliation.

You sent him a Plan B letter and told him you are still open to reconciliation when in fact, you are not.

Also, if you get divorced, you have no need to deal with him at all.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris!!!
Where and when did I EVER say that I did not want to reconcile?
It is still what I want very much. Unfortunately, I need to proceed with Divorce because I need MONEY!!!FOOD!!!HEAT!CAR!A HOME!
IF WH will not do all that he can to help take care of his children, then I will do what I have to at this point!!
What don't you understand about that?
WH does know that I would prefer to rebuild our marriage! Unfortunately, he has made no efforts towards that...and meanwhile, the situation with me & the kids continues to deteriorate.
I can continue to spend sleepless nights, worrying how I will provide for my children or I can ACT!
The money is there, the only way to access it is in a divorce settlement, or he has to quit his job.
I can pay down the mortgage & refinance to make it more affordable, buy a car, pay off my debt to my family, etc. I can't continue to live like this!
Do I continue to scrounge off my family, accept donations for Christmas gifts, go back on food stamps or do what I HAVE TO DO?
Right now WH does not to seem to care, and he may never...so I need to move forward. If at some point the situation should change with him....well, I'll cross that bridge when & If we get to it!
So it is PLan B(again!) AND Divorce!

Also,
This has NOT been an easy decision for me!
I have allowed things to go as far as I possibly could...I just hope it is not too late.
I may look like an idiot in most people's eyes because I have NOT given up the idea of reconciliation with FOG MAN, but I will not sit here and Lose everything, when there are options!
Doing so keeps me the victim!