For some illogical reason I continue to be amazed at how these wayward spouses treat their husbands, wives and children. Truly, if there was no devil at the creation, mankind must have made one somewhere along the way.

How else do we explain human beings, many of whom claim various religious values doing the things they do?

Shugah, I will pray for you and your children. Your children are fortunate to have a parent who cares for them. May God bless you all.

Shuagh

I maybe wrong. Like I said I am in the same boat you are and when talking to the bank about saving the house (refinance) they asked if I had claimed bankruptcy. I said no, but I am. Something told me to say no. I then asked why and they told me, if I had before in the past so many years there would have been no way to save the house.

So... I called the lawyers and told them to put a hold on the bankruptcy till the house was taken care of. I didn't want to ask to much on it I was to sacared and they did check to see and since my lawyers held the papers and didn't file it yet I was ok.

So please check on that. I just had new paper work for the house sent to me and they (Freddie Mac) did lower my payment and I will be able to save my house for now. I did tell them why my house fell behind, because of the affair and H company was sold and taken over by new ownership changing the pay. We had never been behind before and I had to put it all in letter why we fell behind and both H and I had to sign it and he did.

I just wanted you to know that. Like I said,I maybe wrong, just please check before your bankruptcy is filed and then again it maybe different for you. There are so many different chapters of bankruptcy.

I feel for you and I know how you are feeling right now and don't give up hope even on your lowest days. You are MOMMY.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 11:48 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

Okay.
But Plan B and filing for divorce are sending two completely opposite messages.
Plan B is I love you and want to work it out.
Divorce is I don’t want to work it out (whether you do or not is another story.)

No2Nos,
Bankruptcy will actually be complete by end of Jan.
Chris, WH knows why I'll be filing and that I don't want to.
AS a matter of fact I'm not sure WH doens't have an other motive for seeing me file...
He has said, "this is the best way I can take care of my family right now" (financially of course,) at the time he was offering me his entire annuity fund. Not sure if that is still the case.
He was also interested in knowing what the lawyer said if I were to access this money and then the Divorce was never finalized. I had asked the lawyer that ?, but he needs to research...
So, I'm positive that WH knows MY only motive right now is financial.
I'm hoping with this money, I can pay down the mortgage and refinance. Hopefully despite the bankruptcy, I will be able to do this.
UGGH!
On a better note, I went out last night and had FUN!!! Laughed until I almost peed my pants kindof fun!

Hi all,
First of all, I haven't been posting much because I still feel that certain family members may be lurking. Maybe just my paranoia...

Anyways...this Plan B stuff is hard for me. I'm not completely successful, however the fact that I do not have much contact at all with WH by phone in between visits, helps me to remain calm and sane.

He calls maybe once per week with support info. and asks about kids, although he rarely asks to speak to them. I keep it to a minimum.

He visits every 2 weeks...I've been letting him have the day here at the house with the kids, as they really need that time with him in a familiar and safe place. There's usually a kids game or two to go to during the day, and mostly I make myself scarce.
I know that this also makes it "easy" for him, however, right now my main concern is the kids...especially 12 yr. old S. D & S did not want to go to a motel anymore with him and WH really has no money to do so.

So now on to the last visit last saturday.
I broke my usual plan of leaving for the day...and stuck around but "tried" to stay out of the way...napped, etc. My plans had fallen through, S had a game, and the weather was frigid. Ok, all excuses...

Before the end of the visit, I did talk to WH, very closely and softly. He was lying on the sofa, stroking D's hair, looking so comfortable and "belonging here"...
I said something like, "why don't you just come, home...the kids need you, I need you, we miss you..."

His responses were, "why would you want an old fuddy duddy like me", "if it didn't work out would you just throw me out on my *ss", "it would be difficult to face everyone" (this I know is his biggest hurdle)and "I am confused, I see the kids and know that I should be with them",and while patting "dog", "I don't even think "dog" misses me". (It is obvious that "dog" adores him.) All fog statements, true, yet still shows me that he is unsure of what he should do. There have been so many times when he has sounded as though his decision is certain.

I did tell him that I wouldn't end up throwing him out because if he were to come back, I would be committed to seeing it through the difficult recovery period, and I wouldn't want him back unless he were committed too. "Bailing out" when the going got tough could not be the first option.

We talked about the Divorce.
It is the only option financially unfortunately. WH said, "file and get the money and we'll take it from there". Whatever that means.

Lawyer has said that at this point, the "cleanest, easiest" way to reconcile(if it was to happen) at this point because of the $$), would be to complete the D and remarry.

This is going to be difficult. How do I D, and get the best settlement possible for me and the kids in case we don't reconcile yet proceed throughout with hope that we still could reconcile. Am I making my dilema clear? It is all so confusing and sad that I even have to do it like this. I will be firm about using all options available to enforce support payments! He is currently making partial payments.

When he left, I said (a bit tearfully), "don't you miss us?" and he put his hands on my shoulders and said, "I miss YOU, ok?".
I think he was just telling me what I wanted to hear..

So that's my update.
I need to plan a birthday party for D, she wants WH here. It will be small, however,I may include a few of our old friends who WH has not seen or spoken to since the A. I know they would be "good' around him and it may help to show him that it would not be impossible to "face everyone" should he return. A bit manipulative?
Not sure yet though what I will do.
Suggestions, feedback?

Hey Shugah,

It sounds so much like your H wants to come home, but doesn't know how to do it. What is the status with the OW? Are they still together?

I know that because of the financial situation you wouldn't be able to hire the Harleys or Penny (Cerri) but you might go over to the Just Found Out board and post to Cerri. She volunteers so much of her time to this board, and maybe she can help you out. She's out right now for some medical stuff, but should be back soon. In the meantime, Star*fish, who works with her, might help her, so you might call them both out in your thread title. Get some help from them...they are really, really good.

My only concern about the birthday party is that your H may not come if he even suspects that your friends might be there. Saving face, you know? Embarrassment. Now, if he arrived and realized they were OK, yeah, that might work. But if he asks who's going to be there, you will have to tell him.

Good luck, Shug!

Bump

Just wanted to say hang in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and I am still reading your post <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and I know what you are saying and how you are feeling right now. Your H sounds as lost as mine right down to the dog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I chose Feb. 14 as my deadline...it was significant to me for many reasons.

I felt WH was close to saying the words "I want to come home", but I knew I could not continue to live like this for much longer. In the past few weeks he has indicated a desire to come home without any real commitment towards doing so. I can no longer torture myself like this.

He knew I had a deadline but did not know when...he's definately confused, unhappy and I just don't know how I can help him with that.

I have to help myself now...use my energies towards moving forward with my life.

I thought I would wake up with this tremendous weight off my shoulders, unfortunately there is no significant change. Wishful thinking!

THe D is started, it's for real, I know what I have to do.

Dear Shugah,

Good to hear from you. You know your stance seems so much stronger than last year. You have come a long way. Personal recovery is always within the grasp of the BS. You have shown us that.

The WS still is lost. Funny you said that last year. Guess he must really be in the fog. You know the fact that the WS can't make that clean break from his family is just another point that the OW can't be that great.

Oh well...... U though are still shining as the light of his family. He is just too far in the fog to see it. He will, one day.

In the interim, keep identifying your personal boundaries and keep moving forward. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

ps: I saw you have been helping out others. Thanks. Please keep up the good work. It is a lot easier to see and assimilate this far down the road, 'eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you for your post and I wish you were not feeling as I do. Sorry <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I would not wish it on no one.

Again thanks I have been wondering about ya and I do wonder how you are doing. I hope eveything goes good for you and you start doing for you as I should also. Hang in there I to will be lurking from time to time.

I like what Orchid put here in your post. If Ow was so GREAT then they would be able to let their family go. I think she has something there.

Well, things are pretty much going nowhere....
WH is still "confused", but doing nothing to get past that...
I was so hopeful...
He's had the D papers in his hand for over a week and still has not signed & returned...even though he was the one to suggest that financially, it's the thing to do...
I finally said the other day, "fine, sign them, don't sign them, I didn't want it anyways...lose the house, whatever...I just don't care anymore...

I'm tired of fighting for something so important to me....and to feel like me & the kids are just not worth fighting for to him.
I'm tired of being in limbo...

I really don't think he has what it takes to come back and do the work anyways.

He's not happy but doesn't seem to want to do anything to fix it...

I'm beginning to feel less and less love for him...and I'm not going back to Plan B to save it...it's time to just let it die out and move on.

I'm writing him today, to let him know that I'm really done now. I've held on to the hope of rebuilding our M and family, long enough. Apparantly, we are just not worth fighting for to him, and his inability or refusal to do anything about it is proof of that.

My frustration is beginning to turn to anger again and I'm so very tired of that.

Some things are just not meant to be...and it's time I admit that.

I gave it my best and I have no regrets...for the most part...

Shugah - Why do you think he won't sign the DV papers? After all, you'd be giving him a way out, and he could even say it was your idea! You say he's "confused", is that the way he describes himself? Read some of ^ark's responses to Lost Bird about being stuck and not making a decision. I think she's right when she says that a WS not making a decision is "comfortable" for them, but that action, while not comfortable now, will be the best choice in the long run. You have taken action by sending DV papers. He has to respond with action of his own and it's not comfortable for him, but that's just too bad.

Shugah I've posted to you before and have tried to persuade you to get off the emotional rollercoaster. It's so much saner and healthier to stay out of the world of the WS. For your own sake, try to detach.

You say you're tired, tired of fighting for your family, tired of being in limbo, well of course you are! You are going through a life-changing traumatic experience. You've done a great job in the face of a terrible trial. You've been there for your kids, which is the most important thing a parent can do. You've coped with extra work, financial worries and countless other pressures while dealing with the added stress of your WH having an A. It's amazing how well you've coped with this ordeal. Part of why we've come here to MB is that we want to be able to say we've done the best we can no matter what happens, and you've done that. You can take comfort in knowing you've done the best you can.

Are you truly done, Shugah? Some say you'll know when that day comes. I can feel it reaching a critical mass in me. You and I will both be OK, better than OK. I just want you to take care of yourself. Quit giving your WH so much of your precious energy! It's wasted on him now, and you need as much as you can get.

Lablady

<small>[ February 24, 2004, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: lablady ]</small>

yes, lablady,
I'm truly DONE.
Enough of this nonsense. I can't even bring myself to post advice to others anymore, because I am so cynical about relationships right now.

You're right, I have wasted enough energy on this man. He can't even figure out how to fight for his family, even though I truly believe he still wants it.

But I'm done waiting for something that will probably never happen!

My kids need to see me let go and move on and show them that despite this experience we can still live a good life. They need to let go too. Dad will never be the man they remember and we need to start accepting and adjusting to that and working with what we've got left.

And here's a 2x4 waiting to happen. First on my agenda, getting me some SF!!!(Already in the works!) I haven't been "married" for over a year....I'm a grown woman with my own needs, I'm tired of taking care of everyone else's, it's time I do something for me! And it's not diet, not excercise(well, sort of), not shopping, not getting a new haircut, not soaking in a bubblebath with a good book!!

I'm not a christian so save the lecture based on God's message...not being disrespectful here, just being honest...I'm tired of the whole damn thing. Being the good girl, the good Mom, the good wife....and I don't need the guilt trip on top of it. I've got enough of that thank you very much!

I just want to feel like a woman again...in the most physical, sensual way...and I'm not afraid of going after what I want. Not anymore.

ENOUGH!

I'm moving on with my life. And I'm taking a huge step in that direction by reclaiming something what I miss and want!

Compare it to an A, go ahead. I don't care anymore. I don't consider myself unfaithful.

What I have been unfaithful to is my identity, my pride, my sexuality....I can go on and on...

I'm DONE. Oh have I said that already. I'M DONE!

I'm putting my "dancing shoes" on and I'm going out!!!

There I feel better already and I haven't even been touched yet.

Do I sound different? Well, I feel different!

Thanks for listening, thanks for the advice everyone, the support, everything!

I'm moving on!

Well I thought I went to my post here for a second. I am feeling for you I can really say I KNOW HOW you are feeling. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm sorry, I have no words of encouragement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I feel the same. I am getting to were I cannot see H through the fog anymore either it seams hopeless I know. If you have to think about if you love me that much then don't...

I feel bad writing this to you, but I know how you feel and I wish you would e-mail me and we can talk. I feel we can at least be some help to each other. I want to put on my dancing shoes also! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> No2no@wmconnect.com

Jumpin Jehosefat, Shugah!

What's going on, girl? Was there some single thing that took you over the edge?

I know you've been going thru some tremendous ups and downs lately. What triggered this?

Do you think it's just a roller coaster low and you'll recover in a few days?

We can talk if ya want.

A whole year of this crap is what's thrown me over the edge.

And it's actually about f#*n time!

And I actually think this is a rollercoaster HIGH!

And I'll feel even better in a few days!

Hello.... did you read my post to ya. Think we can talk? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Please.........

Look I can dance lol ---^^^----^^^^^^____ sorry I am a little rusty been awhile.lol

I hope you are doing better today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know I keep saying this, but I know just how you are feeling! When I read your post those are the words I am trying to get out also. Please if you need to talk or vent I am here, we all are.