Wait, Shugah. I want to know what SH said. Maybe I'm confused, maybe I got mixed up about your thread.

You were in Plan B. SH says it's good not to be too strict about that anymore, even though you aren't sure OP is out of the picture?

On what basis does he say that? What is his rationale? Did he say why?

I'm in the sitch of a small town, seeing H & OW all the time. They sure don't look happy -- but I'd hesitate to contact him till it's safe to go back into the water again. But then again, he's living at her place, and since he's disabled, she's probably going to have to turf him out at some point. Who knows?

AM Martin,
Wish there was a prize to give you for:

******300th*****post on my thread!!!!

Anyways that reference to SH was something he said to Roughroad...and I believe she is still in Plan A actually....but it just made a lot of sense to me for my situation...

IS Girl,
I plan on laying low this week, just as I did last week. I'm trying very hard to not get my hopes up...

Here's some of what happened and was said during yesterdays very positive visit...

From the moment he pulled in, he began helping me with yard work...very agreeable to any chore I suggested needed to be done...

He was very happy, played with the kids, joked around, and incredibly nostalgic..."remember when we built the house and this happened" or...."I remember when you were just a baby and.."

Things he said over the course of the day..."you don't really want me back"...."if I came back you'd torture me"..."if I come back you'd have to let me burn the lawn"(after we disagreed on his lawn cleaning tactics!)....and other seemingly unimportant remarks, however, they were all said lightheartedly and at the appropriate times....

But this is the Biggie:
I suggested that I could use another day of his help...and combined with his suggestion that he and S play golf, he said he'll come up next weekend, probably sat.
Later, I mentioned that our 20th Anniv. was coming up(Sun.) and we joked about possible ways we were going to spend it based on some of our past Anniv. experiences. Then I said, "you know what I'd like for Anniv...if you'd recommit to this marriage". He just smiled.
Then later, when he was again talking about coming up next weekend, he said, "So when is our Anniv., Sunday?, well maybe I'll come up Sun. instead of sat....I never like to miss an excuse to have cake."
WHAT??? This, after I said what I said about recommitting to the Marriage...you'd think he'd be running, screaming in the opposite direction!

I had no intention of "celebrating" the day, especially to make any kind of real notice of it with the kids....so what does he have in mind?

At one point I suggested he spend the night...he said, "let me take "this" slow, I had a really good time today..."

Overall, a very good day...this was just some of the highlights...

One thing for sure, I'm not supplying no damn cake...my luck, he won't show, and I'll eat the whole darn thing myself!

Let's just see what happens.

ISGIRL,
Thanks for all of your support and "listening", thank LB for me too, I appreciate his concern.
I'll be in touch.

4 days since last contact/visit and 4 more to go until the next "supposed" visit!

I'm relatively calm but can't stop thinking about the visit and how well it went and why WH would suggest coming up for our Anniv.and whether that will actually happen and what will take place.

I'm trying to keep myself busy....or I'll drive myself crazy thinking so much about it!

Don't want to think about major disappointment that could be lurking around the corner...but at the same time wondering if potential happiness is not far away...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shugah:
<strong> 4 days since last contact/visit and 4 more to go until the next "supposed" visit!

I'm relatively calm but can't stop thinking about whether that will actually happen and what will take place.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shugah,

I've been following your story and have seen all your anguish. I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this position. I just want to give you one small piece of advice the "Old-Timers" around here used to say ALL the time:

When waiting for X, Y, and Z to happen:
Have NO EXPECTATIONS

This will keep you from "falling" hard if things don't go as you have anticipated.

God Bless,

I'm trying very hard not to have any expectations!!

WH called this afternoon just to "check in" and mention coming up this weekend again. He'd like to come up "sunday", but also depending on the better weather day as he wants to take S golfing.

He was very friendly, joking, etc. I did not ask about the "sunday" significance.

I really do not want to spend any time together on that day if there is NO significance for doing so. Should I bring it up, let it go or hope that he is doing this for a good reason?

Maybe I should be up front and ask, "I know you mentioned spending that day here and refering to having "cake" for our Anniv. If you have decided that there is a reason you'd like to celebrate or recognize that day, I would be happy to do so, otherwise I would prefer to spend the day quietly.

???Any thoughts???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shugah:
<strong> Should I bring it up, let it go or hope that he is doing this for a good reason?

Maybe I should be up front and ask, "I know you mentioned spending that day here and refering to having "cake" for our Anniv. If you have decided that there is a reason you'd like to celebrate or recognize that day, I would be happy to do so, otherwise I would prefer to spend the day quietly.

???Any thoughts??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My thoughts are that you do - and say - nothing at all. Let him take the lead. I fear you may push him back into his shell. Remember, he wants to take it easy, slow. Don't sound like a needy woman, who is overly excited because H might be coming over to celebrate the anniversary.

Instead, be quiet, be hopeful, and if you do that, he may do something nice, even if it is small. Let him make the first move.

JMHO.

Some of you may remember me!

It's been over a year since my last post....A LOT has happened!

For those of you who don't remember...D-Day was Dec.21,2002

You can see from the earlier posts of this thread, there was the usual pain, chaos and drama....although the even earlier crap is hidden somewhere in the archives....

The situation continued to deteriorate after my last post....summer 04, WH introduced OW to family & friends at several events...insisting that everyone "accept & get over it"....he pretty much got the cold shoulder....I was still able to protect the children from being exposed to OW all this time...

WH continued to insist that he was "happy"....planning to marry the OW in the fall....although the A was probably failing miserably at this time....I only saw the anger and guilt...

The Divorce was proceeding....and was final by late Nov.
It did not go favorably for WH at all and his anger was obvious as he heard the Judge's decision.

4 days after the D he suddenly moved out of his out-of- state apt. without notice and returned to our home state in search of employment....he called and asked if he could stay at the house for a few days????????

My answer was no.

He stayed where he could for several weeks...during this time I believe the A was in it's final death throes....and WXH was closer to hitting bottom...

By mid Jan. or so he was sharing an apt. with our oldest S...we would see each other occasionally, kids school & sporting events, D and I would drop by or I would drop her off for short visits while I shopped, or I would invite him to visit the kids at the house if I was going to be out. He was all over the place emotionally...

By mid Feb. he finally bottomed out.

I had a decision to make and I made the only one that I could live with. I reached out my hand....

He slowly began to turn things around, did some counseling, became more pro-active and optimistic in his employment search and dealing with the kids, etc. His anger and general anxiety began to wane and we began spending time together. He was at the house alot.

He moved back into the house in April, a bit ahead of ourselves but S was giving up his apt. and well, we just decided to do it, at the time for financial reasons mostly.

Although our relationship is still evolving...we are not officially "together"....I am trying to be patient with the process....a lot has happened in a short time so I'm trying not to expect too much too soon. Some days I get discouraged and others I am very optimistic...and lately I find the good days are beginning to outnumber the bad....

The A is over and apparantly the OW has moved on to a new relationship. Slowly he is divulging information about their relationship, and of course, I find it especially interesting to hear the negative aspects of OW's personality, etc.

Despite occasional set-backs, withdrawal, fears, triggers,etc., we are learning new ways to communicate as we are both major conflict avoiders. Overall FWXH appears very happy, reconnected and is actively involved in family life again.

It's still uncertain how this will all end up, however, things continue to move in a good direction....recovery will not be easy nor will it come overnight....we have a very long way to go.

Recently we made it through some situations which I imagine must have been anxious ones for FWXH(it was for me!).....these included being around friends and family, together as a family again, for the first time since this whole saga began.....they went very well and I have noticed an even greater degree of improved attitude and happiness in FWXH since then....it's definately a relief to be over those hurdles and I think it's helped FWXH to relax a little and know that he is accepted despite his mistakes and can finally see that a true reconciliation is possible....it's a process...

So that's it in a nutshell....never give up hope....anything is possible...."hopefulperson" taught me that....and "Mimi", "Mortarman" and countless others along the way, here and elsewhere, who have encouraged and supported me along the way, THANKYOU!!

Shugah,

Good to hear from you! Somehow, I always knew that the final story had not been written on your marriage.

We are in recovery also after some bumpy times over the last two years. My advice is take it slow and work through things. Each day you do so, you build a new foundation.

If you have time, hang around and help some of the newbies. You could offer them a lot from your perspective and how you worked through this mess

In His arms.

Hi Shugah:

Great to hear from you, my MB COHORT! We, most unfortunately, started here at the same time....

What a testimony to how there is always HOPE..

NEVER GIVE UP.....

Thanks!

You know there were times when reconciliation seemed impossible and then the Divorce pushed that dream even further away....but somewhere deep down I always kept it alive....

So when the opportunity arose...I was ready to reach out.

Things have really turned a corner just in the past couple of weeks....

Mortarman...I'm so glad you that you've been able to hang in there with recovery....I know it hasn't been easy at times.

Mimi....you were one of my earliest inspirations....

I'm not sure I'm in a place where I can spend much time here...I'm trying to move past the infidelity part of my life. I'm putting to use everything I've learned and recovery takes a lot of energy...I'll pop in occasionally...

Best wishes to both of you!

Update on Recovery:

We are most definately a couple again....we work well together, play together, plan together, laugh together!

It still amazes me that we have come so far in such a short period of time and that we are where we are after such a long period of separation and turmoil...

I'm feeling happy and content overall and feel that I have put the pain of the A behind me for the most part. Oh sure, it creeps in once in awhile, there are those vulnerable moments when I remember the craziness of it all!
Like when I read some of my early posts! Ugghh...

I realize it serves no purpose to ask "How could you do this to us?"....It happened, it's over and we pretty much know how it happened, why our relationship was vulnerable to an affair, why it snowballed and continued and how and why the A ended. It's no great mystery! I did my reading, learning, counseling, plenty of it!!

I do sometimes ask FWXH questions about what was really going on for him at this time or that time....and basically he really was confused, angry, stubborn, sad, guilty....I don't think the good times of the A came close to erasing any of that for him.

I choose to concentrate on the here and now. Instead of wasting any energy on dredging up old feelings and memories of the A, I want to spend it on making our relationship the best it can be. Moving forward....

He's home. I see it in his eyes....when he looks at me while he's hugging our D after she's run to the door to greet him....that look says so many things...."this is everything I need....how did I think I could live without this....life is good"

We're still healing. The older kids still make comments that tell me they haven't worked it all out....it will take time....FWXH will have to continue to prove through his ACTIONS that he loves them....he's doing that.

He tells me and shows me everyday that he loves me. He tells me that he never stopped loving me.....he jokingly refers to my never ending and annoying intrusions into his fantasy world (I was not a successful Plan B'er....although I highly recommend it!) I was a nut sometimes! My emotions would take control.....I made it difficult for him to walk into the sunset by doing whatever I could to protect the kids and myself.....including preventing OW from being around the kids....

We communicate better....we don't just ignore each other's moods any more....we acknowledge them, try to explain why we were feeling that way....and move on....we are working on that conflict avoidance thing that we did so well in the old days!!

As for the official marraige thing....well, I'm just not very hung up on it....our Divorce never really made me feel "not married"...maybe someday we'll remarry.
We still sometimes refer to each other as "my husband" or "my wife", it's habit, it's less complicated....I heard him say to someone, "we've been married 21 years"....huh?, well if that's how he feels now, who am I to argue!!!

I know that many people who knew the situation don't understand how I could take him back...but they are not my concern....we all know that they have no idea what they would do if they were confronted with an A! None of us here did!!

I don't post alot anymore...I lurk mostly...but I will try to post to Mimi's "thoughts from a FBW" thread...if I can help at all I will.

Hang in there people....work hard on your personal recoveries....READ, READ....my favorites...."Why we Love" by Helen Fisher, "Priate Lies" by Frank Pittman, all of the Harley's books and articles, Penny Tupy's ebook "Overcoming Infidelity". There's good stuff in all of it!

PLEASE take time out from the whole Infidelity thing sometimes....it's easy to get burned out and frustrated and overwhelmed by all the pain here!

Hold tight to HOPE....but don't forget to Live your life to the fullest!

Thanks for the inspiration Shugah!

I feel that this D that my WH wants so badly may be the only thing that could ever make him see the light. We have been divorced almost 2 other times and he has not be able to go through with it. We will see.

Thanks for the hope I think I may always have hop as I still love him so much but my love isn't great enough--he must want to be a better person and want the realtionship to work. THe false recoveries are the hardest IMO.

Shugah,

Reading this thread has given me so much more hope. Between your and Mimi's threads I do see were what we feel is the impossible can happen.

I would like to ask you a couple of questions if you don't mind.

1. Did your WH ever say he was going to be with the OW forever and that he feels like they were meant to be together. Like they had been together in another life before this one.

2. Did he allow the OW to get away with things that he would have never allowed you to do? Mt WH allows OW to talk to him in a rude disrepsctful way and boss him around. My DD says she talks to him like a dog... I never could have done that and got away with it....

3. Why do they allow the OW such liberties when we the wife could have never been allowed to? I would never want to talk to my H that way but I don't understand why its ok for the OW to do it....

Anyhow thank you for posting your story. And if you feel like answering my questions ty again....

May you and your family continue down this wonderful road you are on. God Bless...

Hurting:

You know how I follow you....



This is part of the STANDARD WS SCRIPT..

My H and the FOW were "soulmates" as well....


How can you REALLY KNOW THIS IS TRUE? There is no way that you can understand the nature of their R and you do not need to..

Try not to compare yourself to her..

His relationship with her is NOTHING like his RELATIONSHIP with you...You are his WIFE...she is not and likely never will be....

Mimi,

I knew you would follow me. lol

Your my rock and the one I look up to.....

As far as how she talks to him DD is not the only one who has hear this. My SIL also hear it at one point when she saw them both together at the bowling alley.

I pray Mimi she will never be his wife....

I guess I am just having a wondering day again..... Its the weekend you know, thats when things seem to happen around here....

Hurting,

1. Yes...."I've never felt this way before"....etc. etc. etc. He claimed they were planning on marrying....

2. OW wanted her freedom but wanted WH kept around as her playmate....they fought alot

3. There are no sane reasons for why WS's behave as they do, don't waste another second trying to figure it out....you can try to understand why your relationship was vulnerable to an A....and sometimes that is difficult to understand as well.

Thank you for answering my questions.

You would thinl I would stop trying to figure this out but I am the type who wants to understand everything.

But I realize none of this is logical so actually there are no answers.

I do understand what happen in our M the last year or so that made the conditions possible and I am doing everything in my power to fix my part in it. But no matter what I did or didn't do it was not my fault he choose this way to handle it....

Shugah,

Just finished reading your 2 threads.

Thank you for giving us an update.

Your story certainly helps in reminding us that no matter how bad a situation looks, one never really knows where it will end up!

I can assure you it certainly helps us in our 'hopeless moments' as you yourself experienced.

I am in PLAN B and it's curious to see how at times I have the same feelings and questions you had when separated.

I am working really hard at N/C in PLAN B, and so at moments it can drive me crazy not to know where WS is at emotionally, etc. It scares me to be so 'distant' physically and emotionally because it makes it hard to imagine the possibility of recovery of M in the future.

My WS had the same fears as yours: leave/lose OW and then no M to recover, because he can't imagine overcoming obstacles created with A.

The first step however has been made very clear (but obviously it does not come with any guarantees!) - end A with OW.

For now, my WS is choosing OW over his family, as yours did at one time. I really do hope my WS comes out of the fog soon inspite of the fact that he is working really hard at staying in it!

Yours story is very encouraging, but has also made it clear that the road is a tough one either way when it involves an A.

Good luck with your recovery.

Thank you Lunamare, recovery is going well.....One day at a time....

Hang in there with Plan B. The temptation to have contact and get a pulse check can be overwhelming, but in the end only sets you back!

I'm hopeful that my story, with all it's twists and turns can help others to be hopeful and to avoid some of the mistakes that I made.

BUMP for sharing encouragement...