Heres my question I hope I explain correctly .

After Plan B took place and there is N/C and WS "WOKE UP " did any WS's hold it against YOU ???

I read most posts and alot WS's even saying that the BS doing PLAN B woke them up , BUT are there any out there down the road in recovery , while in withdrawal even that was angree and used it against the BS.

Is there no FWS holding it against there BS , with the attitude well I was trying to come back and you where ignoring me more , you hurt me so much attitude ??

I am talking about at any point , could it be part of the anger during the withdrawal stage . ?

I mean as a BS I would think it wrong for the Ws to be mad for it but , they have feelings to and could PLAN B, although important cause them resentment as well ??

I am just curious if any have come across this , the ws feeling that way ..

And do any BS's think that is part of the reson they where scared to do PLAN B cause they figured THERE WS would just think they are hurting them by ignoring them and ultimately forcing them to make a desion ??

WEll just wondering ??

I'm not in plan B yet still trying to plan A.

I think what your seeing is the WS still acting in an unrealistic world. A world where they think they control everything from what they do to how it affects themselves, others etc.

Plan B as I understand it isn't about ignoring the BS it's about setting guidelines for the start of recovery.

All the WS has to do is met those guidlines and they will not be ignored. I think many WS try and regain control of the BS by using angry outburst, guilt, fear of leaving etc, to test how far they can go or control the situation.

Think back to the first time you confronted your WS about the affair. I bet they said something like "I'm not having an affair, how could you say that about me" The WS was trying to make you feel guilty so you would not push for the real awnser. Controling you and the situation.

don't leave your plan. Hold you line.

3,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heres my question I hope I explain correctly. After Plan B took place and there is N/C and WS "WOKE UP " did any WS's hold it against YOU ???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course. My wife did. But let me explain more with one of your questions below.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read most posts and alot WS's even saying that the BS doing PLAN B woke them up , BUT are there any out there down the road in recovery , while in withdrawal even that was angry and used it against the BS.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I find a lot of the WSs do this. Look, Plan B forces them into PAIN! Pain of withdrawal from the BS. Pain from not having their needs met anymore. Pain from the light shining into the Fog. So, the BS KNOWINGLY caused the situation where they received pain. Now, it is true that the pain is of their own creation. But Plan B set that pain in motion. Thus, it was the BS that took them off the fence and out of their comfort zone. Later, the FWS realizesthat it was that pain that actually helped them to get up and get out of the fog.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there no FWS holding it against there BS , with the attitude well I was trying to come back and you where ignoring me more , you hurt me so much attitude ?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife said these exact things. That if I had just "worked" with her, she would have been back a lot sooner. Problem is, that is a lie that they tell themselves, as well as you. It will take time before they realize the fallacy of that statement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am talking about at any point , could it be part of the anger during the withdrawal stage . ?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. See above.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean as a BS I would think it wrong for the Ws to be mad for it but , they have feelings to and could PLAN B, although important cause them resentment as well ??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure. It is wrong for them to feel that way. Like it was wrong for them to feel anything for the OP and to start a relationship with them. Nothing in this has the WSs feelings being "right." That being said, those are their feelings. And it will take time for them to realize how wrong they were...about everything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am just curious if any have come across this , the ws feeling that way ..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? What's going on with you? Similar stuff?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And do any BS's think that is part of the reson they where scared to do PLAN B cause they figured THERE WS would just think they are hurting them by ignoring them and ultimately forcing them to make a desion ?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course that is why BSs are squeemish on doing Plan B. And why so many backslide (like I did the first three times I tried). My wife told me that my NC and pulling back just PROVED that I never loved her and that I had no respect for her. That she was right for her to want to leave. But ask her now. You see, fog drifting thru the brain can do some strange things to a person. Warp their sence of reality. The point in trusting Plan B is that DESPITe what appears to be the case, it is the tough medicing that will cause enough pain for the WS for them to WANT to get up and walk out of the fog. Once out, then they can be reasoned with.

In His arms.

<small>[ August 08, 2003, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

GG, No I am not in PLAN B , I Am happy to use the term PLAN RECOVERY LOL . thanks for asking ..

MM , No nothing going on with me personaly , except the thought process ..

Thank you for your response always a pleasure to read all that you ahve to say ..

I guess I was thinking about a convo me and H just had ..

YES I did a PLAN B (before I knew MB'ERS ) and he came back , but the buonderies broken ..
Well then was what I went through most recently , you see Istood by while contact was ongoing .
Its long and confusing ,,
But my point , we spoke about the disrespect of what he put me through and I wanted to know if he thought less of me in any way ??

He told me absolutely not , he feels (as I thought and hoped ) that this was a low time in his life and I stood by him , and feels I proved my love to him more then I could ever know ..

He was struggling with the guilt of the OW and what he did to her as well as me , but felt that I was the only person who he could lean on ..

He said, the first time I turned my back on him , yes it did snap him into reality ,,, but if I would have done it again he would have never looked back , because he felt he was being honest and I only wanted honesty and said, I would never turn him away as long as he was ..

SO he said, a PLAN B this last time would have made our lives together none exsistent ..

I do know this part of the person I Married , that is why I did not PLAN B this last time ..
SO thats what prompted this post ..

I just thought maybe some times more freindship might be important although , YES it is painfull and you are putting your ws above your own happiness ..

I did worry that it would cause me resentment , but I feel I am working on that ,, cause I choose to allow him to handle this situation his own way .. and just was there for him ..

Thanks for listening ..

I had plan B done to me by my H.
It hurt so bad and it continues to hurt to this day.
It not only involved him, it involved my children also. I would make plans to spend time with them and he would not be there. I would make a phone schedule to talk with them and he made sure they were never there. That part of plan B, I will never forgive him for. He at time continues to do it on and off If I am not at home when he calls or if I have not contacted him for a few days.
I found it very hard to know what I wanted as far as being the WS. Was I going back because I so desperatly missed my children who were flaunted in front of my eyes when I was doing and behaving the way my H wanted me to .
I do not want what is happeing to Mortarman to happen to me and H. It seems as though the person who was cheated on not only becomes minipulative with plan B but when it starts involving the children,is when the WS becomes desperate. I am in no way making excuses about my behavior, I am just saying a mother tends to loose her mind when punished in that way.
Alot of games are played by all when an affair has occured. We the WS hide because of what we have done and how we have acted.
I cant say much about plan B. I can only tell you how I felt from the WS position. It is also hard because those of you who have been the victim find refuge and support here.
Here you are among a group of friends who have heard everything from one side only. When you are asking the WS to become involved in counseling and to be a part of MB is very hard for them. Everything that was done to me by WS was justified through you here at MB.
It is a place of Pain. Judgemnet.
You can say that you are not all Judging and that you are here to help heal. You have all made friends here and for us (WS) it is a scary process.

It not only involved him, it involved my children also. I would make plans to spend time with them and he would not be there. I would make a phone schedule to talk with them and he made sure they were never there. That part of plan B, I will never forgive him for.
That is exactly what Plan B is NOT. He was doing it wrong.

He at time continues to do it on and off
PLan B is NOT simply igoring the spouse. If he is ignoring you, then he is just being rude, not following PLan A/B or Marriage Builder principles either.

It seems as though the person who was cheated on not only becomes minipulative with plan B
If Plan B is done without professional guidance, then it can be very easily done wrong and have negative results (as it seems in your case.)

I am in no way making excuses about my behavior, I am just saying a mother tends to loose her mind when punished in that way.
Plan B is NOT punishment. Plan B is when an affair is ongoing and it is to keep the betrayed spouse from having the affair rubbed in their face. If it IS used as punishment, then that is wrong.

Alot of games are played by all when an affair has occured.
If ussed properly, then it's not a game in any way by the betrayed. Everyone knows exactly what is gong on and what is expected.

Everything that was done to me by WS was justified through you here at MB.
What ever he was told was because we at MB only knew his side. Also, if he did NOT use MB principles properly, then it was because he chose to do it wrong or he did not understand MB principles.

You can say that you are not all Judging and that you are here to help heal.
Perhaps some here are judging the ws. However, if the ws comes here and wants some help, I believe they wil get it. Not everyone is helpful and yes, sometimes there are hurtful people here at MB.

Even if all MB principles are followed to the letter, there will be some things the betrayed won't like and some things the wayward won't like.

I recommend you call MB (see below) and talk with Steve or Jenn Harley. At least to get the "real" scoop on MB and what, if anything, can be done for you and your marriage.

The purpose of MB is to help couples heal together.