I am so sorry.

I wonder what would have happened if you had not answered the phone or he didn't have you to rely on to take care of the dog? What is he going to do when it's HIS weekend for the kids?

It's easy to be in love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> when you're on vacation without any worries...ugh. How can you make life a little more real for him...don't pay the cleaning lady? Don't bail him out when things get tough...
Cleaning lady quits or doesn't get paid...it's his responsibility.
Time to find another family for the dog...probably, or should he?
Have accounts in both your names? Time to start splitting them up? (Especially credit cards it sounds like).
Do you have a schedule for visitations with the kids? Does he have them ENTIRE weekends? If not...how come?
Please don't tell me you do ANYTHING for him (cook, laundry, pick up dry cleaning). It's time he do things for himself, or have his OW do it (wonder how long she'll stick around after that).

And when it's over between them, don't run back right away. It will be time for special trips and lavished attention on YOU then! Then you can come back.

I survived the weekend, though it was probably the toughest weekend of my life.

Mentally because my WH was trampolining around London with OW whilst I had high fever, could barely stand on my feet. The two year old got a stomach infection, so he had diarrea for 4 days - I had to change about a 100 nappies and his bottom skin was all broken and red <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . He woke up 10-15 times a night crying, because his bottom was hurting so bad.

My 10 yr old started vomiting on Saturday. The only one that was healthy was my 5 yr old daughter, so I managed to send her to her friends to stay the night Sat-Sun.

You can´t even imagine how I feel about my WH right now and I could not help myself and sent him some very very ANGRY messages telling him what a big [censored] he is for not being there for the kids when their mummy is so ill. I wrote him that I do not know him anymore and that he acts like a bloody teenager that has no responsibility whatsoever. He does not know how to be a father, a husband or just a decent caring person.

I know, maybe I LB´d, but to tell you the truth I don´t really care. He did not just fail me. He failed our kids big time. He is an egoistic, egocentric BABOON!

His only reply to me was kind of in the line, well when you attack me I feel like hiding...

I wrote him back, Oh well kids, daddy can´t be there for you because he feels like hiding and running away, so grow up and take responsibility for yourselves, will you?

Wonder whether he got the message?

I am just so Furious so angry at the moment, I have lost all respect for this person that says "he still loves me"...

AAAARGH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Whoa Nelly,

The LB's have to stop. The contact has to stop. Everytime you LB you make the OW look so much sweeter. For a man who wants to hide from his shame and guilt, you've rubbed his nose in it. He won't come back because he feels guilty, he comes back because he loves you.

How about a renewed Plan B letter where you explain why the LBs this weekend (sick, feeling abandoned) and reaffirm N/C.

And then STICK to N/C. This is to protect your M and you. To preserve the love you have for him (and love he has for you). No more LBs, no more sweetness.

Everytime you fall off the wagon with contact, either physical, emotional, LB, you start your Plan B all over again.

Begin to be STRONG QUEENIE! Begin to build a life without him. You were angry this weekend because you needed him and resented him for not being there. But hey, you did it!! You survived the weekend without him! You can live without him! Begin to move on and live without him and he won't expect it. He thinks he can have his fling and come back some day (they all think that). Show him you are moving on without him, and don't NEED him.

You can do this!!! You are strong!!

BTW, what is the plan for the Dad to take care of the kids? When does he take them for a weekend and give YOU a break? What is the visitation schedule like? If he hasn't set something up, then it's time to tell him you have plans during X weekend and he will be taking the kids Friday night and you will pick them up Sunday night...

Begin to ask him during the week to have him keep the kids. Wednesday nights? Every other weekend? Put a crimp in his style? And give you some well deserved breaks...then go for a drive...go travelling...go OUT!!!

SHMI,

You are my angel did you know that?

I know rubbing his nose into it does not do any good, but I just could not help myself. I don´t think I am going to send another Plan B letter or I might throw a few lines when he sends me one of his "sorry I hurt you" e-mails again.

The kids. I made a schedule because he said he wanted the kids 50/50. Well I did not agree to that and it goes 5 days with him and 9 days with me. And guess what? His five days start tomorrow!

So, I am going out to eat with friends Thursday night, on a "dinner date" Friday night, going to a few photo exhibitions Saturday, brunch Sunday, Salsa class (never danced it) on Monday and then there is a few gym lessons in between.

I´m not all top of the pops yet, but I have planned to keep myself busy and meet a lot of new people and do some new things! And this long weekend is all about me, and me only.

Sigh. I will TRY to be strong.

queenie

Hope you're enjoying your "me" time. You miss them, but we get so wrapped up in our family's lives we neglect (or run away from) our own. You deserve this time.

And I am no angel (can you tell I don't take compliments well), I have faltered MANY times, and did a very poor Plan B. But things are better now, and we are in recovery. MC helps tremendously.

How are you set for going to IC?

I am going to IC already. Once every two weeks and she is absolutely amazing.

This has been my first ever 5 days without the kids. I went on a dinner date with a guy that is interested in me. It was a lot of fun and we ended up at a salsa bar dancing salsa til four in the morning. I of course drove home without him afterwards and he knows that I am still grieving my marriage. Yesterday I had a friend over and we just sat and had tea and talked a few hours. I took a long bath, did my nails, feet, gave my hair a treatment, waxed my legs... you know, just took care of myself, listening to music (nothing sad or lovey dovey).

Today I went with a friend to see alot of photo exhibitions which I thoroughly enjoyed...

Has there been no contact. Well, no. Friday afternoon my whole family was booked for a model job, where we had to look like a big happy family, out in the snow chopping down a xmas tree. My WH said that he really enjoyed it and it was nice. I looked at him after the job and just said, " nice, but false". I then jumped into my car, drove home and got ready for my dinner date.

Saturday morning had to go by the old house to pick up our dog and eldest son for dog training. When I came back I said I needed to leave straight away as I had not had breakfast, where WH offered to make some. I allowed him. Ate. Then left.

Nothing dramatic, but also not 100% no contact. Also when I call the kids goodnight my WH picks up the phone and engages in a bit of chit chat. How I slept. How I am. He is coming down with the flu. Telling that our daughter lost a tooth. What do I do? The daughter or children stuff I really want to hear. The rest I just answer kind of politely. Slept fine. I´m O.k, miss kids though. Then he asks only the kids? I say no comment. Very few words. Is that o.k?

Well this is kind of a boring update, but Plan B is not much of a party...Its tough getting used to having all this time to myself and I really look forward to having the kids back on Tuesday again.

Hope you did not fall asleep to it, I nearly did.

Queen

No, didn't fall asleep. Plan B is NO party, but less stressful than dealing with the A day in and day out...we actually get a break from it for awhile.

Is there a way to set a boundary with him on the phone and in person about ONLY talking about kids. Talking about kids is essential. Something like, "Until you have N/C with OW I don't want to know anything about your life, and you don't have a right to know anything about mine, but I do want to hear about the kids."

A big alarm went up when you said you went on a date. Revenge A's are an all too present danger and it is too easy to fall into an EA/PA now. Dating while you're still married is tantamount to infidelity too (and gives the WS something to throw back at you later..."Well you went out too") Please be careful.

Although I've heard of BS insinuating they have been out on dates to WS's ("Can you take the kids early on Friday, I've got to get ready early.") But dates never happen, and it is not a total untruth, you may want to get early to the store to make sure the new book or video isn't sold out.

Anyone else spill the beans about a "possible date" to WS to help them see they are losing you?

Well, it seems like now that I have moved out of our mutual home WS does not want to have anything to do with me. Does not seem like he is coming around and seems very much like he is just interested in his own life and his OW.

No contact has been difficult and out of desperation of not hearing from him, sent him a mail asking what do we plan to do concerning Xmas and New Year with the kids, since we have not agreed on that yet. Have not heard from him, so am actually dreading his answer to be; he will spend Xmas with kids& me, but he will spend New Year with OW.

I am tired, confused, lonely and lack any strength or lust for picking up the pieces of my life. I really feel sad and tearful most of the time, and maybe it is just my impatient nature that won´t accept that something is not happening to restore our marriage.

Problem is I can´t restore it. WS has to want to. I have to wait till he gets there. If ever. Yes, I know and then I need to concentrate on myself and building my own life. But there is something holding me back. I just can´t see myself happy. I have never been alone, truly alone in my whole adult life. I have always shared my life with somebody.

Yet, this is the ultimate lesson to learn to live a good life alone. Where do I start? Where do I find the strength? Even at work I get nothing done, it all seems like a stormy mountain I need to climb and I have no encouragement that I can do it.

Is there anyone down this path that has gotten further than me, that can give me some advice how to get out of this hole?

On the other hand, I don´t even know whether I want my marriage anymore. I don´t know whether my WH was ever good for me, I´m pretty sure he was not. He is having a NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and he has really drained me. I don´t think I have a drop left for him anymore.

Maybe thats why I feel so blue. Maybe I should be getting some medication? Does it help one focus?

I wish sometimes I could escape into that wonderful little bubble of fog and fantasy and escape like he has done. Though I know at the end of the day, it is me that will pay the price of escaping reality.

This is not a good day. Not at all.

queen

((((((((((Queen)))))))))))))

Hugs to you!!!! I know this must be a super hard thing to do.....Plan Bing but I think you need to give it more time, really for him to miss you.

I can't give any advice on anti d's as I have never taken them. Maybe you need to start a new thread asking about them???

Just take care of yourself and your kids.

Your last (?) post sounded so upbeat with the photo exhibit and tea with friends..... It's just a part of the rollercoaster ride in Affair Adventureland!!!!

Take care,
DB

Time, Time, Time. It really does help!!
I was where you are not too long ago, and already I am seeing a significant difference in my attitude and emotional state!
I did not do anti-d's but I did take an over the counter sleep-aid and that made a big difference for me. Sleep deprivation can lead to depression and that lack of concentration feeling...I am no longer taking them, but I definately needed them for about a 4 month period or so.
Take 1 day at a time, don't think too far ahead, holidays, etc. (I tend to do that too!)
I have come a long way in 10 months, you will too, the change occurs gradually. I can't believe this much time has passed already. Check out my recent posts though....there still may be hope, though I am still moving forward with MY recovery.
Hang in there, ride out those bad days...you can do it!

Anyone remember the male friend I told you I had been mailing to at one point to receive support and understanding for the hell I was in?

Remember I told him we had to stop mailing to each other, because he and I were getting involved on an emotional level.

Well, we did stop for approx. 1,5 months. He broke my request for no contact around the time my WH had moved out for a month and I was thinking about finding a new place to live.

I was so happy to receive a mail from him. So happy to hear he thought and worried about me. Happy that someone cared.

Now the past month and a half we have been writing, even met at a cafe for a sandwich, a dinner for a meal. I could feel like I was getting more involved in him and again had to say to him we had to stop. We are about to have an affair. I am too weak, a sucker for love. He too is too weak.

Last Monday, we spent a night together to say goodbye. I told him I would write in six months time to say how I am doing because of the special bond we have for each other. He has been there for me, where my WH has not.

We said goodbye to each other as friends, as lovers. It was the only way. Why was it the only way. Because we cared for each other too much not to do it any other way.

Sound familiar?

Now I can´t sleep at night, and think of him all the time. I have silently allowed myself to drift into the fog of an affair. He mailed me a love poem he wrote himself and said he cannot stop thinking about me either.

How do I feel?

Ashamed that I have allowed this to go so far, when the situation of my WH and myself is not finished yet. Guilty that with the knowledge I have of affairs I do not use it for something more constructive. Relieved that I am no longer consumed of what and where my WH is, because he hardly has any space in my heart anymore. Relieved that my WH can´t hurt me as much because I have been having some of my emotional needs attended to by someone else, like he by the OW.

Happy that I can care and love somebody new and feel that I am also cared for and loved by. Terrified by what I might or might not be doing with myself, my own self development, my life, whether I am capable of making right choices anymore, what is the point of anything, the more you know the less you know. Have a deeper understanding to how my WH could come to make the choices he has done. Realized how little ones feelings and ones logic listen to each other. In the matters of the heart, there is no logic. Love is not logic.

We call it fog. It IS fog. Right now I am in FOG. I know it is fog. Can it be fought? How do you fight something that takes over every cell of your body? I lied in my bed last night and my body built up a fever, because I missed my friend so much. I want him now, more than before.

Why? Because it is impossible. If it was easy the erray of emotions would not be so strong. Its the impossibility that intensifies it all.

I have the power to stop it. NOW. But do I want to? Can I? I want to and have done so. But I am physically reacting, so I cannot think of anything else.

Can you talk reason to me now? Can I talk reason to myself?

I am an intelligent woman. I am caring. I am hurting. I have been betrayed. I love. I give. I protect. I am there where all WS have crossed the line.

I am no longer a BS. I am also a WS.

This is how easy it is. It takes no effort.

I am sorry to dissappoint you. I know what I have done.

-queen of a broken heart-

I don't judge you but see that you have CHOSEN to lead a lifestyle that crushed you when your H did it. Two wrongs don't make a right, as you are now experiencing.

Please think about your precious kids. They have experienced so much trauma already. Are you prepared to inflict more pain on them? One of you has to be strong for them, are you woman enough?

Please face reality and stop this fantasy life. Years from now you will see the fallacy of decisions being made now. So will your H.

By God's grace you can get through this but it's time for some tough decisions and a plan of action. You can do it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"He mailed me a love poem he wrote himself and said he cannot stop thinking about me either"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask yourself if the OM agreed to your wishes to say goodbye, why is he then not respecting that agreement? If he truly loved you he would respect your need for goodbye because he would understand that it is too painful for you to continue having a relationship with him while still being a married woman.

Whether you decide to continue your efforts to save your marriage or chose to divorce your WH, the fact remains that you are NOT ready to start another committed relationship, least of all with a man that does not respect the fact that you are a married woman who is still in pain.

Contact is a 2 way street. Making contact and receiving contact.
Just because he sends something doesn't mean you have to read it.

Expect him NOT to stop contact, cause when he does contact you, you respond, therefore (according to him) you don't really mean it.

Hi Queen

I've read through most of this topic, and I am sorry to hear of the lastest development. You might want to consider blocking your OM from being able to email you. TMCM is right that you are not ready for another relationship until the current one is over. That would include dating of any type. My younger brother has done the same thing over and over again. He is currently living with his GF while his current W is living with her XIL and XH. (His second marriage). I'm sure he is both the BS, his first wife had multiple A's (Although I suspect so did he), and his 2nd W also had A's.(And, I don't think he was lonely after she through him out). He had porno, a self masterbator, and other crap. He is one of those "users". I don't think he knows what love is. I do know from what you wrote that you do.

I told you about my YB just to show how someone can really mess up their lives by doing certain actions. My YB has always been the sort to make poor choices. You do not strike me as the same type of person that my YB is. That the OM would choose to take advantage of the situation is a clear picture of his character. (Sorry, just IMHO) And, he does have a flaw in not respecting your wishes and wait to see what happens. Not that he is the total blame for it. Your WH helped a lot with opening that door with his actions, and your pain and sorrow and needs, leaving you vulnerable. Now you need to do total NC.

Now the hard part. You need to tell your WH what has happened, including that you are now NC with the OM. I don't know how you should do it, by letter, or in person. Maybe you could have him come to one of your IC appointment and tell him there. I do suspect what your WH will do, and it won't be good, but it might also be the major wakeup call that he needs. It might also end your M. Sorry to be blunt but thats the possibility.

I will include you on my prayer list. I do wish you the best. I don't judge you because I am just as vulnerable as you, and this is with a repentent FWW, who is helping me to heal. I do hope that your WH will wake up. His fog is dense, and he doesn't realize that he is headed towards the rocks. All you can do is keep your light burning and your fog horn blaring.

Dear Queen:
I'm sorry to hear about this latest chapter in your life.

You've changed the title to "Destroying Your Own Plan". What is your plan? I realize you are in Plan B but are you heading for D? Or just hoping WH will turn around?

What direction do you want your life to go?

BTW, is this OM married?

Could you write a NC letter to your OM? I realize you've already done this once but maybe a renewed one might a good idea.... What does your IC say?

DB

This was a major step...in the right direction? You decide.

Positives...or how it's helpful to your M.
Gives you a new way to view your WH's behavior (from within his shoes).
Gives you some of the missing ENs.

Negatives...or how it's hurtful to your M.
Pulls you away from loving your WH.
You begin entertaining notions of building a life with someone else...may decide to D not because it's best for you...but because you want to continue the feeling of love.
It's an addiction, an escape, and keeps you from thinking straight.
Goes against your value system.

You decide what is best. The addiction has a strong pull, like the best drug around. But the love you feel right now is a very selfish love. You are not looking out for what's best for each other or other people in your lives...you are looking out for what's best in your life...that feeling...that glow...that fever.

I agree that if he really had your best interests in mind he would not have contact with you. He is continuing contact because of what HE wants...not what he thinks is best for everyone.

Think about what it's going to be like when you tell your H about this...

Queen -

You're in a very hard place, and I ask that you take some time for yourself. Look at the last month and the things that have happened -- you moved, you and the kids were very sick, you had the whole dog thing to deal with. You're at the very end of your own emotional resources. It makes sense that falling into someone else's arms would be easy to do.

It's easy for ALL of us to do, something that's worth remembering when we're dealing with our own WSs. It could just as easily be us. I'm both WS and BS, though I've long since NCed all of my affair partners.

You will survive without this man.

You will survive without your WH.

You will survive because YOU are strong. Each day.

I know exactly what you mean about the relief from the incessant thoughts about your WH. There are times when all those thoughts drive me into hysterics just because I cannot get them to stop for five minutes and leave me alone.

And it's true that giving your ego (the part of you that thinks) something else to think about is one possible solution. I've kept mine occupied with feng shui some of the last few weeks.

Any interesting hobby can do that, as can work and kids. The trouble with another PERSON occupying those thoughts, aside from the difficulties it can cause your marriage, is that it shields you from ENDING those thought patterns.

And if you don't end those thought patterns, they're sure to creep up on you again the next time you have trouble in a relationship. And who wants to do THAT again??? Not me, that's for sure!

So I try to watch the thought patterns from "outside," to see where the loop is and how to break out of it. Near as I can figure, the repetition has lots less to do with my WP than it does with my own inability to resolve ... SOMETHING in my own head. I'm trying to figure out what that something is.

So, unpleasant though it is, I'd suggest that you should NC your affair partner. Then watch your thoughts about BOTH your OM and your WH. They're YOUR thoughts, and what you're looking for, I think, is what it means about you. You might want to compare the thought patterns and see where the similarities and differences are. Again, not to compare the two men, but to understand yourself better.

Good luck, Queen, and may BEING bless you.

What's the update?

How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while.

Worried about you.